Problems with Saying No to Playdates

you phrase this well, as the kids don't have a problem here. they're just asking.
you say no. firmly. and mean it.
end of problem.
khairete
S.

I don't know what to tell you. I remember being on the kids' end of it and not wanting them to end. There were certainly "playdates" that went on for days because they would come to my house, play and end up spending the night. Then the next day, we'd go to that friend's house and the same thing, play all day, then I would spend the night there.

U had seven children, so I know how busy it can be! In one way I was fortunate because I had my "big kids" who were an adopted family and the "little kids" were 10 years younger. We had some space problems, so not many sleep-overs were possible until the big ones left home. One of the things I had to control was birthday parties and eating dinner at our house. Usually you were allowed just ONE guest for your birthday or a dinner or special outing, and that created problems.

I think that I see a problem with kids now who are too controlled because there isn't enough free playing outdoors in the neighborhoods. Our kids didn't normally have to have official "play dates" because after school and on weekends, providing they got chores done, lessons practiced, etc., they just went outside and played. The whole crew was in and out of the various houses in the neighborhood. My house was a center of activity because we had the garage set up with dress up clothes and easels for painting, so there were many impromptu theatrical productions and artistic creations. Since we always had a big bowl of fruit out, and a huge container of milk, I did have to ration neighborhood kids snacking at my house.

I think you got a lot of good advice, but I do think that free play with other children is how children learn to be adults. They learn to set up rules of behavior, handle relationships, etc. Within the bounds of not interfering with family time, chores, etc., I think children need to have as much time as possible with other children.

Set the boundaries before you leave your house for the play date or before the other children arrive. Tell them there will be no extensions, sleepovers, etc. If they ask, simply remind them in front of their guests, that we will not be doing that today.
Then stick to your decision. If they think you might be starting to waffle it's all over. Be firm and consistent. Do it now before they are all teenagers... If you can't control them when they are little, you'll never be able to control teenagers.
YMMV
LBC

Hi L.,

I know this is past your original posting, but thought I'd share my technique. We have a rule that if anyone asks for: staying for dinner, sleep over, going swimming/to club, with us, in front of the other child or their parents - the answer is an automatic "No". This saves the awkward situation of being put on the spot with the hang-dog look of the other child waiting for your response. Also, we agree ahead of time what the perimeters of the play date are in advance, and if begging for an extensions occurs, there will be a repercussion. Ours is a fifteen minute bedtime penalty. That's what works for us, and although not fool-proof, it reduces the begging considerably.

You need to be o.k with saying NO!!! My 8 year old went through this problem a bout two years ago and it started becomming more and more annoying...so I made up a rule...if you want someone to come over or sleep over he needs to ask me in private so that I do not feel the pressure to say yes because that kid and his parents are right there waiting for an answer...if he does ask me infront of every one the answer will always be NO!!! It only took a few times of him being told NO to realize he needed to give me the chance to think about it in private and that soemtimes I would still say no but that he was just as likely to get a yes too.Good luck!!

It doesn't sound to me like you're having trouble with playdates per se--if you have six kids you are used to having kids underfoot 24/7. It sounds to me like what you're really saying is that you need a break from the never-ending chaos that is probably your life. So being okay with saying "no" is part of it, but maybe you should think about what else you need to do to give your head and heart a rest. It sounds pitiful, I know, but sometimes my husband and I argue over who gets to go to the grocery store; to me, it's relaxing, in a way, to meander the aisle and think about menus and figure out what's a bargain and what's not, etc. without some kid hanging onto the cart and begging me to be doughnuts. Or ask a friend to meet you at Starbucks. I have regular times to do that with my women friends and it's a sanity-preserver--and I have only two kids!

I commend you for having sleepovers and playdates when you already have 6 children! Just say no and put your foot down. Obviously, your home is the warmest and most loving home and your children's friends have adopted your home as a second one. It happens. But all parents have to take a stand sometimes and establish boundaries for their own sanity. During school season, limit extended playdates to one per quarter. More in summer and let the children know the new rule. If anyone begs, they lose a privilege or get an extra chore for parental harrassment.

My stepdaughter wants to extend times out with friends, too, and we've gotten the "can we..." a lot over the years. Sometimes we say yes. Sometimes we say no/not this time. Sometimes we put a condition on it. "If you come home and finish your chores first, you can go to the movie/spend the night". Also, sometimes it's something the kids cooked up and neither set of parents really wants a sleepover. Talk to the parents, too.

Don't be afraid to say no or to say in advance, "There will be no sleepovers tonight." If they whine, they don't get to go at all. Once the kids realized we were serious, but not ogres, the whining about the "nos" dropped off, and sometimes they get pleasantly surprised. "Yes, but your dad isn't feeling well, so you can't have the sleepover here. If Karen's parents will allow it, you can stay at her house."

Hope that helps.

I bet that can be frustrating. It sounds to me like your kids are just wanting more time with their friends. Perhaps it's a little cabin fever or maybe they are just in need of more interaction with others. With 6 I'm sure this isn't an easy thing to swing, but maybe adding some classes or becoming a member of a local YMCA/YWCA to expose them to other kids. Little ones get just as starved for social interaction as some adults do. My little one is in day care because he loves playing with other kids and learning from watching them (which comes with good and bad things) and I am thankful for a good one because I know that I would not be able to stay at home with him every day of the week- I need more adult interaction than that.

Also, I'd talk to the other kids' moms to get their take on it. You may just have to prep them more before the play date so they know that when you tell them it's time to go, it's time. Kids generally want their parents approval so if they know that when you say it's time to go, you expect them to pack up their things, get their coats on and be ready to leave when you are, sometimes that's all they will need. Other kids might need some positive reinforcement such as knowing there is a reward when they don't argue with you- 5 more minutes reading time with you or maybe even more frequent play dates.

try letting them know that you ar totally against t in the beginning before the playdate starts. mention that once you say it's over it is over and if they argue ask or beg to extend the time with the friendin any way that you wont be getting to gether again for _________ (a week, the next playdate planned ect.) let them know that there will be times when it will be ok but only if say they ask before the playdate or if you bring it up. say that those extra times are to be extra not normal. most of the times we feel pressured because they ask in front of the friends and you dont want to let them down but this way all you have to do is state if they ask during the playdate or after that you talked to them about it before the play date and now that they have asked thy have lost the next one or whatever you choose to be the consequences. hopefully this will help

I have trouble being the "mean mom," too. My oldest of 3 is only 5...so we don't have many sleep-overs. However, I do talk to her ahead of time about the plans (ex. "We are having Amy over for a few hours, then she is sleeping at her house tonight. So, please do not ask me if she can spend the night b/c we have plans tomorrow, okay?"). She'll usually cooperate. If you're kids are older, you can give them a punish chore or something if they ask you in front of the other child &/or parent.
My mom used to do that when I was a kid. If I asked her in front of other people, I'd usually get my sleep-over. But, after straightening out enough cabinets, I learned to respect her request.

Also, our sleepovers are rare and with a friend of the family and usually at the request of the parent, not child. But, I know just adding one kid to the mix throws me off and I'm darn near ready to charge babysitting fees! (Okay, not really, but with 3 of my own kids under 6 plus another one...it's crazy). I can't imagine doing it with 6.

Hi L.- Colleen had some good advice, your kids might just be very social and want lots of interaction opportunity, but also remember- you're the mom! you have the right to say "NO!" at any time, and to set limits in your home! Sometimes allowing choices helps with this kind of thing- "no you cannot have a sleepover, but you can either have them stay another hour or you can schedule another playdate with them right now for tomorrow/next week/etc" so they are part of the decision-making process. Give them twoi choices that YOU can live with and remember if it gets too much, just say no! and if they need other activities, look into that too.

My kids are 4 and under so I haven't had to try this yet, but give them so many playdates a months(coupon style) and tell them when they are gone there are no more for the month. Have maybe one for sleepovers and continuing to play at the others house is ANOTHER playdate. I read this I think in Parents Mag and thought it was worth trying when I needed too.
Right now I try to have something else planned following the playdate or do them at playground so that both families have to leave. I also am the type that cancels the next playdate if they whine about the current playdate ending so they usually part easily for the time being.
L.

You have already received much good advice. I just wanted to add that these kids know exactly what they are doing. I'm nearly 70 now and my younger brother and I would play those same games with our parents and they didn't work then but we still tried. Our mom and dad had no qualms about turning the tables on us and embarrassing us in front of our friends by saying no (no further discussion). Obviously, this was before the days of play dates but one thing we knew for sure, the rules were made by our parents and they were for our well being.

KD

I wanted to thank you for posting this question: I thought our struggles with this issue were because my daughter is an only child!

I'm saying this to myself...
We need to establish the right to refuse any social situation when our kids are still young without needing to justify it to them. When they are teens, we may need that right for some pretty important reasons for our kids' safety, and if we haven't set it by then, it's too late!
blessings,
K

Boy! What a good question. And do I ever wish that I had had this service available when my kids were small! Lots of good ideas and advice!

I think what bothered me most about the overnighters was how worthless and grouchy my kids were the next day. And if there was a child spending the night, the rooms didn't get cleaned and the Saturday chores didn't get done without complaining. So, I learned to tell the kids "okay, but you have to do your chores without grumbling and you have to stay in your room if you're too grouchy" and sometimes I just said "no" so life would be easier the next day.

good luck! and God bless
A.

Just say no next time