I had been seeing my ex for a couple of months and was not serious about the relationship when I discovered I was pregnant. We had been using protection and neither of us were ready to have a child. That being said when we found out, my ex was excited, telling friends and family and talking about names and the future. Having only been together for a short period of time I became more and more reluctant to commit to moving in together immediately and found his pushing overwhelming.
About 2 months into the pregnancy my ex became more and more demanding and possessive. We fought constantly about my desire to take sometime before we moved in together. I truly believe that a baby needs 2 parents but I did not want to rush into a stressfull situation on top of another stressfull situation. I am in a good position financially, able to provide for myself and the baby in the short term.
We had a major blow up and I decided I needed some space to clear my head and get a handle on the situation. My ex said he understood and agreed that things were moving at warp speed. After a few days I felt like I was in a better position to talk things over and plan for the baby's future together regardless of our relationship status. ust be grown-ups.
We met, had a really great talk and agreed to move forward and work on our relationship while continuing to plan for the baby's birth. I ignored my initial misgivings and agreed to work on our relationship. Just two days after this talk my ex and I had plans to go for dinner and talk. He picked me up, we started driving and he completely ambushed me. I had made a commitment to be open to the relationship and he just wanted to get me in a position of vulnerability so I would feel the way he felt. He demanded a paternity test and let loose on what he felt were my problems and that I was not acting in the best needs of the baby by not moving in with him. I told him he could contact me in 6 months for the pat test and not to bother before then.
I guess this is a long winded explanation leading to the question how do I proceed from here? I know my baby is going to want to know their father and I still hold out hope he will want to know his baby but I am so angry and hurt.
I might be the only one who feels this way and will say it, but GOOD FOR YOU!
Trust your instincts. Don't get coerced into anything. I would totally do a paternity test when the baby is born(and be hoping it wasn't his;0)).
If he acts this way now, he will be 10,000 times worse after you are under his control.
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For now do what you need to for you and that baby, don't worry about him. When the time comes set up legal custody and visitation and child support with the courts, even if you are dating the father, this should all be laid out in a legal document.
Well, I'm not sure what you mean by "he ambushed me". Did he assume everything was hunky-dory and get mad when you said you were just open to "working at it"? Or did he get abusive?
Actually the paternity test will be good for you AND him. He knows the baby is his and YOU know you can get child support. Even if you don't *need* it, he NEEDS to pay it so bank it.
He might be just really scared that he is going to "lose" this child in some way. I would assure him that he can have a significant and active part in his child's life no matter what happens to the relationship.
I know someone that this happened to--except they made wedding plans & then he bolted. Guess what? 5 years later, they will be getting married next month. Two wrongs don't make a right (not that the baby was a 'wrong'--I don't mean that!). But just because there is now a baby, doesn't mean he is "the O." for you. But it does mean that the two of you will need some sort of a relationship as parents of this child, right?
You're angry and hurt and it sounds like he is too.
Trust me, there are jerks in this world who want nothing to do with a woman the minute she says she's pregnant, let alone be there for the child.
You said he ambushed you to get you in a position of vulnerability so you would feel the way he felt.
I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but for him to want a paternity test seems to me like he wants to prove the baby is HIS, not run away from it.
You don't have to move in with him if you're not comfortable, but I think you're making a mistake in telling him not to bother you until the baby is born.
He wants to be more involved, you think it's moving too fast. There has to be a middle ground.
Unless you don't think he's really the father, he should be able to go to doctor visits and things with you and be there.
When this baby is born and he's proven to be the father, he will have rights whether you like it or not.
I could be wrong, but I think you are taking him wanting a paternity test the wrong way. He doesn't seem to be looking to prove the baby ISN'T his. If he's being too pushy, there is a way to communicate that. There is a way to co-parent and you're going to have to figure it out.
I might not be reading this correctly, but I'm not sure why you are hurt when you have pushed HIM away.
Whether or not the two of you are together is not the issue. You are going to be parents. I would find a counselor to help you both through this journey.
It's not just 6 months or 18 years. It's going to be forever. For the sake and happiness of your child.
Best wishes.
Good move on your part to demand he keep his distance from you until the time you can have a paternity test. If the baby were not quickly approaching were you considering a long term relationship? If not, don't. Just take these next few months to protect yourself legally as far as custody goes. Make sure you keep your stress level as low as you can and take care of yourself. Good luck.
I could understand were you both are coming from. You said it happen very quickly. I could understand why he would want a test. Now that being said. You have to concentrate on taking care of yourself and the baby. If you were meant to be together, it will happen. If not, you both sound like you really care about this baby. By working together, both of you can give this baby a good life. Even if you are not together. Stand your ground. You do not need to be depended on anyone. It sounds like he is a demanding person. I would not like this myself. Keep yourself together and when the baby comes and he sees its his. You can both move forward and raise this baby. Don't let him put you in a situation that you do not want to be in. Lots of people have babies and do not live together.
you have every right to be angry and hurt. and even though your ex has obviously gone about things the wrong way, he also has the right to be hurt. in his mind he is having a child and he is excited, he wants to have a family and probably figured you would feel the same, maybe he is feeling embarassed or rejected. So, take the time apart to prepare for your new baby. Take the time to really think about things, maybe if you do see your ex again do not do it alone, just in case he has a few loose wires and goes all bonkers. not to scare you, but you never know. Good luck!
Hi R.,
What a tough spot for ya'll to be in!!! Have you already had the baby? Or are you in the 6 month "waiting period" until the baby is born and you can get a paternity test?
First, he is well within his right to get a paternity test and actually, he should. Because he will be financially responsible for this child for 18 years whether or not he decides to be actively involved and request parenting time or some sort of joint custodial arrangement.
As far as how you proceed - you don't really need to do anything right now except take really good care of yourself and your baby. When the baby is born you get a paternity test.
I would also look for a lawyer who has some experience in custodial arrangements and child support with parents who are not married. Because you will want to get something in writing asap.
My understanding is that you can get a DNA test before the baby is born, which you might want to consider if you think he might be more involved????
I also wouldn't hold out for him to be really involved until the baby can interact - like 2. He doesn't sound super mature and lots of guys have trouble bonding when the baby is an infant. Especially if they don't live with the mom, because you end up being the primary everything which makes it harder on him to sorta get in there and find his groove, so to speak. Not that you should move in with him for that - he may not be involved anyway.
The BEST thing you can do for your baby is to be a happy, healthy, well-adjusted mommy.
Other than that - I would just plan to be a single mom with primary custody - so do all the great things that you do before you have a baby - pick out the crib, have a baby shower, find daycare, paint the nursery.
Good Luck.
You're not separated, you're simply not a couple. He is right to ask for a paternity test. If you are not committed to this relationship, he is probably looking to protect his paternal rights. If this baby is his, he has a right to visitation, perhaps shared custody and will be required to pay child support. I'm not sure why you're holding out hope he'll want to know his baby. It sounds to me like he may be looking to sue you for custody. Good luck.
Seeing your ex...hmm...he is an ex for a reason. You need to stick to your guns. If you don't want to be in a relationship with him (baby or not), you need to express that and stick to it. No booty calls either. He is overbearing, manipulative, and possessive....what do you think he will be like if you live under the same roof?
DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate and file for custody as soon as the baby's born. I agree with Dawn and Jen...contact an attorney immediately. Leave a paper-trail...call a victim advocate and discuss the situation to get a better idea of what type of man you are dealing with.
I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the children. The child can still have both parents without being forced into a commitment you don't want to make. If he gives you an ultimatum, tell him to have a nice life without you and you'll see him in court for child support.
Nanc
Have you considered a third party such as a good couples therapist?
