Power Stuggle in Potty Training---

Sounds like a typical problem most moms deal with. My daughter was the same way when I was first teaching her. It's a battle but the trick is to find the weakness. My daughter loves chocolate, so I bribed her with it. Now she only has small accidents if she can't make it to the potty fast enough or first thing in the morning. Don't give up. Things will work out eventually.

I have three boys, ages 13,9, and 4...and potty training is definitely a power struggle. Especially for the child who is especially bright. They like to see their parent get frustrated with them not doing something they are capable of. My suggestion is back off and don't let it frustrate you! I guarantee that he will be back to using the potty when he is ready!

Hi S.,
My daughter now 6 was the same way. She spoke in sentences before she walked! I had almost the same potty training experience with her. She at one point would pass up the bathroom, go to her room, take her pull up off and "pee" in the floor! Now that was an obvious control issue. I just dropped the subject with her and she soon decided herself that she would use the potty. I also stopped "celebrating" when she did use the potty. I simply said good job and left it at that. I think she was smart enough to know what I was doing. She is still very strong willed, which I like that about her. I let her have the control when I can. I fight, and win, on the more important issues.

Hello S.,

In my opinion regression is never good. And your son, is at the age where he is constantly testing his boundaries. This act of defiance or desire of control will continue, not because of being mean, just trying to understand himself and the world.

Have you asked him why? He certainly has the intelligence to have an answer. He may need to be treated more grown up, instead of potty, say bathroom like a big boy, like daddy. Help with the mechanics of wiping, maybe he got raw or something. How could any of the changes you stated affected his confidence in going to the bathroom?

One of my son's was advanced. We were eating at a restuarant, around the age of two, when he said he needed to go to the bathroom. So I took him to the bathroom. And this started a huge scene, he didn't want to go to the ladies bathroom, he wanted to go to the men's bathroom. Well, there were men coming out of the men's bathroom, they offered to take him in for me, and he wouldn't go....And I didn't know them. He wanted me to go with him to the men's bathroom. So I tried to talk with him, reason with him, but he was set on what he wanted to do, and he was right. He just didn't understand why I couldn't go.

And through the years, there were numerous instances. What I learned was to try and see it from his eyes. Your son is a highly advanced 4, 5, 6 mind in a 2 year old body. Imagine what that is like!

Hope that helps! Many Blessings to you and your family while overseas! D.

Dear S., My babies are grown now but I understand your issue. We want our children to come along at the speed which we think they should but they often have other ideas. We cant fully understand their issues because they cant fully understand them. It was my experience that these types of things fix themselves after a short time. Most children dont really like having a diaper change after they can talk so he will soon change the behavior if he finds it unpleasant. I dont think bribery with food is a good idea. [M+Ms]
Just love him and talk to him, He will change at his own pace.
K.

My problem is a power struggle as well. I think our problems are the same... I think (and this is a guess) that you may have to go back to square one and retrain him. Mine is four and has his own attitude about it. You may have to control the issue by going with him and making him do this, showing him that this is the one thing in which he has no choice. You are not challenging his individuality by doing this. And I think I will take my own advice ; )

he may have regressed and it not be a power struggle. I would try to find out why he is doing this all of a sudden. I would also look into who is around him and make sure that no one has abused him or scared him about going potty. It may also be that he need more "daddy time" if he is doing bettter when dad is at home. If it is a contro issue you need to decide if it is worth fighting the fight or just let it resolve its self. Maybe if you just let it go he will see that it is not an issue and choose to start potting agian on his own.

My son did this around the time his little sister was born. I started asking if he wanted to use the little potty or the big potty, so the choice was his but using the potty was still objective.

You guys are probably SO tired of me saying this, but it is SO true and is worth repeating - this came from the pediatrician:

Let him regress and be a kid. He will not go to Kindergarten wearing diapers and when he is ready to go, he will go. Why stress yourself out on what someone else feels is "appropriate" age to train. Every child is different.

Your son sounds smarter than average, so to a point, he is probably playing you - let him win this one.

Good luck to you!

My youngest decided she'd rather just use her diaper too - she'd actually tell us that. I decided that the new diapers are just too good at keeping them dry and clean, so I switched her over to cloth diapers for a day. The first time she peed in it she came down the steps, walking as bow-legged as she could, with a horrified look on her face. She decided she'd rather use the potty from that point on. Took all of 4 hours. :)
t.

Being that he is above average for his age. I would include him in the clean up process as with any other mess that is made (mind you not saying a word as to any correction this may take a few days). I believe he will figure out that if He continues with his action there are also reactions that he must learn to deal with as well. Even if it is on a small scale they learn to make choices. Remember the choice must be his to continue or to stop this kind of power struggle. you must encourage him through your own actions what he should be responsible for.

My advice for this smart little boy is...to put him back in pull ups or pull your hair out for the next four or five months! I have six kids and they are all potty trained as of last year (all by the age of 30 months), so just relax about it and put the pull ups on for sanity sake...enjoy spending time with him and give him some space about the issue...he will totally come around in his time. He is really young and I do not think HE is making this a power struggle, but if he is pushed, it may be age 3 or later when he chooses to use the potty on a regular basis. Don't stress yourself out, he will NOT go to kindergarten in diapers, I promise.

Hang in there!

I went through this same thing with my daughter around the same age. I too have children 13 months apart. As we were dealing with this, I spoke to my pediatrician at the time and he told me that I needed to back off. As you have correctly stated, you are in a power struggle. I would recommend just putting a diaper back on him and not making a big deal out of it any more. Change him, ask him occasionally if he needs to go sit on the potty chair, but don't push anything. He'll come back around on his time and be done with the diapers. Good luck.

Oh aren't they little terrors! My son did exactly the same thing when he was 24months but just 4 months later he's started using his potty again! I just think it comes naturally when they're ready for it, don't stress and enjoy your intelligent 24 month old baby!

This may be the first thing that your son actually has control over. Think about it. He is smart and he realizes that this is not like everything else in his environment and he can chose how he goes to the bathroom. He probably also realizes that this is a movement from being a "baby" to a little boy. Let him have his time to move through this as he needs to and control it however he wishes. This may be an important lesson you need to learn on how to work with your son. Let him set the pace on this one.

My mom told me she had a similar situation with my older sister. She said she told her that she could do what she wanted but that the consequence of peeing or pooping in her pants was that she had to wear diapers. It took just a few days of wearing diapers again and she went back to the potty.

Let me know what works!
-H. J

I think it is wonderful that he even accepted the potty at that age. I wouldnt make too big of an issue about him not going. The more attention he receives about not going to the potty, may make him think to keep it up (not going), so I would just keep him in pull-ups or something and give lots of praises when he does go potty, but no big deal if he doesnt, not even negative response.

I am a 42 year old mom with three kids, oldest is 16, then 12, then 11. I miss having potty training issues instead of teenage issues. Enjoy the years, they go fast.

Hi S.,

My son sounds a lot like yours and did the same thing. I told him that big boys use the potty and babies wear diapers. I told him that if he wanted to do it in his pants, he would have to wear a diaper. I put him back in diapers (not pull ups) and it lasted about 2 days. I changed him when he was dirty (because he was smart enough to remove his diaper and create other problems), but he didn't like it a bit.

We also let him go into the bathroom with daddy. When he found out he could stand up and sink a target, he thought he was in heaven. We used a square of toilet paper or a piece of cereal and let him aim at it. Until he was tall enough, he stood on a step stool for his "target practice".

It gets better, I promise, but there's no reason to lose your mind or ruin your rugs in the meantime!

Good luck!

I believe this is indeed a control issue. They say whatever you face at age 2 you will face again in the teenage years so you need to learn how to handle his quest for individualism and remember what you did. IMHO you may need to make it more reinforcing to comply with you than to rebel. Since he is so smart, as was mine, you have to really think through every action you take to the end repercussions. Food reinfocers (M&M's) appeal to his primary desires for yummy stuff and may be all you have to do, combined with a little talk about how he is not behaving like a "big boy" and so you "guess" he has to go back to the rewards he got when he was a "baby." Any talk you give him should revolve around the words "you are behaving like..." and not "you are..." Hope this helps. Smart children are a challenge but who do you think they got those genes from? YOU have to be smarter! YOU are in charge! YOU are the adult! YOU are the MOM! It has to be more reinforcing to comply than to rebel.

Well, I think that even if your child is incredibly smart, which he definately sounds like it...maybe it was just cool at the time because it was something new, but maybe he's just not ready. Potty training is one of the biggest steps in growing up for a child, especially one that young. Everything I've heard about potty training is not to rush them, they will do it when they're ready and I believe that! My 4 year old daughter did something similar when she was potty training. She used the potty over one weekend and then it was like she forgot it. I didn't put her in pull-ups or underwear because I wasn't sure what to expect. But about 3 or 4 months later, she was at it again, by her own choice and has been going to the potty since she was 2. Every child is different! I know you would rather not change diapers forever! Believe me, I'm there again! I have another daughter who is 1. But, they are only a child once! I'm not a parent who lets them make all their own decisions, but this one only they know when they're ready and they can't really tell you in words. Just be patient and don't push it! Yes, children will try to control certain things! But at this age and wtih this situation, I wouldn't worry! This is not disobedience! It's just a matter of maturity...every child matures at different rates, even if they are smart! My daughter talked fluently and knew several songs and phrases from different languages and walked and everything before she was ready to potty. I don't think that being smart and being mature are connected. And it may make a difference that you have a younger son. He may want more attention and still be your baby. Mine didn't do that in that way, but in other ways. I guess she had been potty trained long enough before the younger sister was born. I hope this helps!!

Try telling him that he is a big boy and that big boys go on the big boy potty, not in their pants. Help him get on the commode and hold him on if he cant sit on it himself. When he gets big enough to go on the commode himself get a little stool for him to use to get on the commode. It worked with my grandson. Good luck.

I bought my daughter the Elmo Potty Time DVD and it really helped he. Lots of singing and dancing. She is very advanced also, like your son, and can verbalize exactly what she is doing. You might also try "big boy" underwear with his favorite characters (Diego, Spiderman, Blues Clues) and tell him not to get them wet or boo boo on them. Just some suggestions.

L.

I completely understand when you say that it is hard to get him back on track. Maybe you should try taking something from him that he really likes, or giving him an incentive for going to the bathroom. When you reward children they respond to you. That's just a suggestion.

I have a 3 1/2 year old that has been doing the same thing. He used to go and hide and come out braging that he went in his pants and needed to be changed. I started taking him into the bathroom every 15 minutes and stop his liquids at 6:30. He hasnt had an accident other than trying to get to the potty in over a week so far and we took him on a 9 hour car ride with no accidents. The doctor will tell you that he'll potty train when he's ready and that forcing him will just make him regress even more. My son is extreamly smart too and even more stubborn than my husband which i didnt think was possible. I hope that this helped.

S., I have been there as well! Isn't potty training fun?! You can try anything from rewards to having him sit on the potty every 20 minutes, but ultimately, you're dealing with a two year old, and this is the only thing he has control over in his life. Every other decision is made for him. I don't want to sound like the bearer of bad news, but from my experience, a child is going to potty train when they are ready and want to. I've also found that backing away from my children and just taking them to the bathroom regularly (without a word) seems to help. You can make it lots of fun with a song! I'm sorry there is no magic pill for potty training, but you might be comforted to know that you won't have a five year old in diapers. This too shall pass!
J.

I read your message about your son, it reminds me of a friend whos son was so advanced, he clearly was beyond the babbling, he was saying sentances, telling his mommy when he was ready for a poop, all of our mutual friends were quite amazed, then he slipped back into what i guess you would say was completely normal 18 month behavior, he went back to diapers, refused the potty and just was playing games....when i would visit his mom was exhausted from the constant mind control that her son was trying to win over here... just remember he may win the battle but you will win the war..it sounds hostile, but keeping him on a routine and giving him those opportunities to be in control are both still really important...eventually things worked themselves out within a 6 month period, he still is very independantly brilliant and loves to be a leader but has come out of that regressive behaviour and back to the little boy who goes potty and does those amazing things.....

You've gotten lots of great advice.....

What just happened this weekend for us is that I let my girl go bare bottomed to let her get back on track with her training, and instead of going 100% in her little potty on her own accord as she had the first time I let her go bare, it was 100% on the floor! She did hate the feeling of it and cried every time, but it's like, hey, she did it perfectly before, what's up now??? I think I've been doing too many thigns for her, rather than expecting her to handle them herself (and risking a fight) since I'm more tired during the day.

Today we pulled out a potty we hadn't really used that lets her climb up steps to and sit on a smaller seat on our regular toilet. Although she'd been resistant all morning, and then wet herself and cried accordingly--before the new potty, this time I made her take her wet undies off all by herself (which I used to have her do but had stopped since she started fighting it). Then we finished cleaning and pulled out the new potty with daddy's help, and she was absolutely elated to see that thing! Once it was set up, she climbed up with some help from dad and to my surprise she went! Guess she hasn't been completely finishing the job when she wets herself. We then awarded her with an M&M (which I also haven't been very consistent about). Since then, she's been so excited to go on the potty. I'm quite relieved because I really didn't want to go back to diapers since *I* had been inconsistent with her. It wasn't like she was sick or something that made her regress in her training.

Maybe just mixing things up will help jump start his motivation?

Good luck!!!!

We are a military family so we too have Dad not here all the time. My first KNEW what to do for most of her 2year old year, but it was such a power struggle. I finally gave up trying to force it and let her do it when she decided it was time. She was a month over three and poof! no more diapers! AND no accidents! With my second, I just waited. I did mention it time to time, but not forcefully. and Poof again right around three he decided he wanted to and again no accidents. SO to me if I am going to get the result of 3 years of age either way, then do not stress about it until THEY want to!

Maybe you could try acting like you don't care at all.... it's not "control" over you if you don't care. But that probably wouldn't work immediately so be patient and bide your time. Also, is the younger one following in his footsteps and potty training super early too? If so that would be perfect b/c you could praise the younger one, give him rewards for potty training, etc. (without mentioning the older one's progress or regression). The older one will undoubtedly compete with the younger one and you'll be free of diapers!! Good luck!

he is only two. you were lucky that he ever used the potty at that age. regression is always deliberate and i don't think your case is any different. at two he needs to be able to control something in his life. if he can only control ware and when he uses the potty, let him. if you get to the point ware a preschool can not take him because he is not potty trained, deal with it then. every one is so concerned with when there kids potty train, who cares. just let them be kids. he wont go to high school in diapers, so let him be.

Hey S.! I am potty training my daughter right now. She just turned two in December. Once I found out I was pregnent - potty training was one of my biggest fears. I was so afraid I would not have the patience for it. 2 weeks ago - my daughter told me she wanted to go pee pee on the potty - I couldn't believe it!!!! Ever since then - she has been wearing panties that SHE picked out!!!!! We went to Walmart and she picked out 3 packages of her fav characters!! She still sleeps in a pull up and she still dribbles a bit - but hey, it has only been 2 weeks. I think she is doing wonderful!!! I have been reading what some people have wrote to you on here and I can't say that I agree with all of them. Who cares if you reward your kid with M&m's - if it works DO IT!! You do what is right for you and your son and what he responds to - everyone responds differently to different things. Also - Everyone used to always tell me that Emily will let me know when she is ready to be potty trained and they were so right!!!!! It might have been a fluke that your son was trained at such an early age - I know many people that have had to train their child twice. I pray I don't have to go through that - My advice would be to relax for a oouple of weeks and then try it again. Kids know when you are stressed out - they sense it and it makes them stressed. I hope this helps~~

Let him individually control the potty issue - from start to finish. After he's peed or pooped in his pants - let him clean them and clean up himself - and don't let him have any new clothes until he does. If he refuses to clean the soiled clothes - dump them in the trash (make sure he is wearing his favorit outfit).

I'm a single mom with a very bright and "wanna be" mature daughter (4 yrs old). Consequences and Repercussions. It has worked well for me. Good luck. H.

Hi Star, just a suggestion and good luck. Let him have his time of regression. I have found the bigger issue made of the problem, the worse the problem. Once he sees he can not ruffle your feathers, the sooner he will get back to business.
Again, good luck.
K.