Power Struggle with 12-Year-old Son

Time to cut him loose, Mom, & allow him the chance to survive his own demons.

If he's only 12 & you're already going thru this...to the point....that the police & family services are involved.....then you've done all you can in your own home. It's time to admit you both need help & be a bit stronger, strong enough to let others help him. This is not giving up, this is not admitting defeat.....this is acknowledging that you & he - both - need help. As the adult involved, it's up to you to step up to the plate & grab this chance for you!

Been there, lived a lot of this with our oldest son. There is hope & there can be redemption. He now functions within our family again & we rejoice in this. I wish you Peace....

It seems like you are at the end of your rope and he knows it. I think it might be best to find a school with an included therapy program to help him. I just saw something like this on Dr. Phil this week.
There is a group at Yale that works with kids like this -- check it out. It should be on the Dr. Phil website. That might work for you.
It is hard to send kids away, but sometimes it's the best thing for the child. Take a deep breath. Do your research. Find the best place for this kid.
LBC

Wow - he's only 12? He's crying out for discipline and boundaries. Kids need to know there are hard and fast rules - they need their parent(s) to be a parent. How difficult for you as a single mom - and I also assume a mom who doesn't have great self-esteem. Your son needs someone - probably another man - to be the discipline that he so badly needs. I am not talking about "punishment" - I'm talking about learning the disciplines of life - working hard, taking responsibilitiy for actions, planning ahead, consequences - both good and bad of our actions. Young men seem to respond so much better to adult men - is there no one in your life like a brother, uncle, etc who can help you in this regard?

It seems that he's lost respect for you completely and I don't imagine that you'd be able to turn this ship around quickly - he needs this quickly. If you know of a good boarding school and you can afford it - then it might be the thing you need to do. It will be tough - oh my goodness I can't imagine. BUT - until about age 22 that his brain and emotions are still pliable and resiliant. He can relearn how to operate in life / society. He can learn to be a man. AFter age 22 - 25 the brain has pretty much developed and it's much more tough to re-learn things. All kinds of brain studies using PET scans and such have shown us this in the last 5-10 years.

Expect that he will be VERY resistant. Expect that he's going to resent you - at first. Eventually he'll realize you did this for his own good - but he won't go without first putting up a huge battle. Expect it so it won't surprise you soften your intent..

I have a 14 yr old daughter and an 11 yr old son. This is what I know - they will rebel, they will act like they want to be running their life - but they feel a sense of security having boundaries. When they do something to lose privileges and we have to discipline them the may get really upset, slam a door, say that they hate us - or that we're the meanest parents ever - but after the "storm" they seem to take this huge, contented emotional sigh - as if they are at peace knowing that they have someone else in control and reigning them in. They are really scared to death about running thier own life and they want the security of knowing there's an adult who will ultimately stop them from making huge, scary mistakes and will protect them. My daughter will complain that we're too strict, we're the worst parents in the high school, that we don't let her do anything - but when pushed she will admit that deep deep deep deep down she's happy that she has hard & fast limits.

If you can't get the limits set up and instill them then someone needs to. Listen, you may get him off to boarding school now - and get yourself into parenting classes, or counseling and in a year or two he may be able to come home and the two of you can re-build your life - with him following rules, helping around the home & being respectful.

Pray for guidance mama. We have a God that really does care about the details of our life and wants the best for us. Praying for you D..

Being a parent means making the tough calls and doing whats best for the child whether they like it or not.
Sometimes doing whats best for the child is a very hard thing to do.
Stealing, smoking, staying out till all hours, eating who knows where?
I'm surprised he still comes home at all and he could very possibly be involved with a gang.
He's already lost himself. You need to help him find himself and that means getting him out and away from an environment which is allowing him to make some bad choices. If he is running with a gang he could get himself killed.
You've talked with everyone (family, social services, doctor, a schools advisory board) and they've made a recommendation.
You realize leaving things as they are is a no win situation.
Send him to the boarding school and see how he adjusts to the new environment. It will be hard at first. He will (most likely) cry and beg to come home, but coming home will be a returning to the same old problems.
For his sake, you've got to get him out to a place where he has a better chance to grow and learn. You will not be a failure. You are doing what's best for him and that is something you can be proud of.

Hi D.,

At 12, he is way to young to be out at night, not eating at home, smoking?!?? This sounds more like a 16 yr old. You definitely need help NOW. It sounds like you have talked to the proper authorities and that maybe this is beyond counseling. I agree with B that sending him to the boarding school could be the best thing you do for him. There he will get the guidance, discipline, consequences, and education that he needs. You will be helping your son whereas right now, you are failing him. Do not keep him with you for fear of being left on your own. As you said, he's hardly ever home anyway and if you continue to let him go down this path, it could have very disastrous consequences. The earlier you intervene, the better. Think of your child, not yourself. Best of luck!

Have you thought about sending him to a camp for troubled teens? There is a great one in Colorado that someone I know sent her daughter to and it made a huge difference! I am sure there are some closer to you. The one in Colorado is a ranch called Turn About Ranch.
www.turnaboutranch.com. It is tough, not cheap but they make a difference. If you decide to go that route, whichever camp you choose, ask them for references of parents whose children have been there. Call those parents and get their input, both positive and negative.
Edited: A good camp requires parents to do some "soul searching" of their own while the child is away. It also follows up and continues to be a resource for parents once the child goes home.

Love and Logic has totally turned my life around in the way I think about parenting. Check out the books. I also agree that some family counseling is a NEED. He needs you to be in control...and you will never win when you're trying to fight for it. Have respect for yourself first...he can't respect you until you do.

Good Luck with this...you're not alone!