Potty Training & Discipline Problems with My 4 Year Old

Go and purchase the book.... Toilet training in less than a day. It is by Nathan Azrin and Richard foxx..... You will not be sorry- I work in the early childhood field and have seen it work with kids that have special needs and children as young as 18 months old. I am planning to do it with my 20 month old after we get back from vacation in March...... P. in Alaska

2 moms found this helpful

Do not feel alone. One of my boys was the same way. He was four and a half before he finally pooped in the toliet. I think he finally trained because his little brother started showing interest in training and he wanted to show him how it was done. My advice is to remember that every child is different and you have to experiment to find out what will work for each.

on a side note it is interesting that you seem to be describing my sister and I. Older Sister was a lot of work, and I came along and they wondered why I was so easy.

jem-mom to seven

1 mom found this helpful

I had issues with this at different times with my kids. A friend suggested that when there is an accident (obviously controlled accident), it was an automatic trip to the bathtub for a quick cleanse with 'cool' water. It was a lot of work and more trips to the tub early in the journey, but it just took a few days and then became very infrequent. Follow thru was VERY important once I started. My husband was not on board and thought it was mean. However, after just those few days, the accidents were very far between with occassional reminders of what happens when there is an accident. Sassy? I flicked the cheek lightly with a flick of my fingers. That didn't last long either. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Do you think he might be using this as something he can control, rather than letting you "win" by using the potty like he's likely perfectly capable of doing? If there's a way to make him be in charge of the process, maybe it would go over better. Something like letting him decide what times of the day (using an easy to read clock) will be potty times, or letting him choose which bathroom, or even let him decorate the bathroom with a favorite poster or something.

One thing that worked for my sister was to give 5 minutes of tv time for every time her daughter used the potty. After about two weeks her daughter was used to going on the potty and they didn't need to time the tv any longer. Best of luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

T.
Have you ever heard of Love and Logic classes? This is an amazing very effective way of parenting. They usually offer classes at local community colleges and sometimes in elementary schools (night classes). I would suggest that you and your husband take them together. It is about parenting using choices, (much more than that, love and logic that a child can understand. YOu sound like a very good mother and this type of class would benefit you greatly. Good luck
K.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Missy about the "cool" cleansing in the shower. I had to do that with one of mine. Another suggestion, less harsh but might work, is to withhold sugar and tell him that sweet treats are for big boys, not babies. Then have French Toast for breakfast or something like that, and don't let him have the syrup or powdered sugar because he's still "too little". Go that route until he decides he wants to be grown up and put his poopy where it belongs, then reward with something yummy. It is a choice, he knows what he's doing. So you have to convince him to change his mind basically.
D.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.,

My son was also a little resistant to potty training, even after we knew he understood the concept. I really think the best thing is the naked approach. We cranked up the heat and moved a bunch of toys/books/games and his potty chair to the kitchen (the rest of the house was carpeted). He still wore socks and shirts, but naked from the waist down. He was SUPER angry about the whole thing because he understood right away that he had no choice but to either go in the potty or soil himself. Luckily for us, he opted for the potty and pretty quickly got over whatever issue he was having (and after much celebrating every success).

After about a day and a half, he was officially 'potty trained' in terms of telling us when he had to go. After his naked kitchen time, he was in regular underwear exclusively - No more diapers or training pants or anything, not even at night. He actually never peed his bed and I don't know if that's just luck or if he was older and it all just 'clicked' all at once. There were still accidents (and you should expect them for awhile while they get the 'timing' down), but they were truly accidents and not just refusing.

I really think you just have to draw the line and say "today's the day my darling boy!" ... Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My oldest had the same problem. My pediatrician suggested that she might be constipated and it hurts to go on the potty. We used a prescribed children's laxative for a week and she was potty trained. You might ask your pediatrician about that.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.,
I had the same problem and just about the same age spread between my son and his sister. He continued past 4 and I was beginning to wonder if he would be the only one in kindergarten wearing diapers. In desperation I did finally strip him down to just a shirt and shoes. We had two advantages: He'd witnessed what happened to the cat when it was being litter-trained. And, it was January and our house was a bit cool. He was reminded about what happened to the cat when it had an accident. (Though we'd never put him outside if he did, but we didn't mention that.) And we told him he could have his big boy pants when he started using the toilet; if he did ok with them, he could have slacks as well. He never peed anywhere. He did squat once behind a chair, and his dad caught him, administered a measured punishment, and made him clean it up. About 30 hours after that he came to me, begging for his pants, he was cold, and promising to behave. He kept the promise while he was awake. We had another donny-brook abouth getting up in the night vs. having diapers while asleep. But that too was conquered by the end of that summer.
Petco has a great pet stain remover, which will probably remove any marks. So you could spot clean and not need a carpet cleaner, if the battle gets tough.
Strong-willed children can be very difficult, but you must get the upper hand at this point, or you will never catch up with them. It's good that you and your husband can present a united front, or it will be even tougher.
Good luck!
L.

1 mom found this helpful

You say you own your own business and stay at home, and have a smaller child. There could be some triggers here for your son's behavior. Do you take time to read to him, hold him, interact with him. If you do, these are times when you can help him calm down and really enjoy the process. Using your fingers, gently massage his back from his neck to his tailbone, lightly pinching each boney lump as you go down. Massage his neck from ear to ear and down to his shoulders. Massage his shoulders and shoulder blades. Massage his scalp very gently, rubbing behind and around his ears. If he objects, perhaps you are pressing too hard. If he enjoys this special Tender Loving Care...he will come back for more...or will respond in a positive way when you suggest it. This may also bring a postive response to his potty training as wll. Hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

That's a tough one. I guess that I would suggest forcing the big boy underwear. Pull ups and diapers just encourage them to go in their pants. It took a looonnnggg time with my son too. It was a few months after his 3rd birthday before we got him trained. One thing that clued me in that he was choosing to be lazy and go in his pants was that when I asked him if he wanted to wear big boy undies or pull ups he always chose pull ups. He just didn't want to be bothered with using the potty. So finally I stopped offering the pull ups and told him he had to wear big boy undies. We have had our fair share of accidents, mostly poop, he was pretty good about peeing in the potty right from the start. But we've had pee accidents too. Your son is definitely old enough to use the potty, decide when you're ready to really force the issue, dig your heels in, and make him do it!

1 mom found this helpful

I would suggest establishing job descriptions for you and your son. Kids want to know their parameters and they WANT rules (so they can test their boundaries). Sit down with him and explain what his jobs are (for example: eat meals, treat others with kindness, use the bathroom, put his toys away when he's finished using them, etc.). Then you let him know what your jobs are (taking care of the house, providing nutritious meals, laundry, etc.) If you want your son to be potty trained then let him change his own diaper. He'll demand that you change him. You will have already established what your rules are so you will be ready to respond with "No, that's not my job. That's your job." You run the household, not your son. If he continues to have behavior problems remind him of his jobs and yours. Oh, and don't stress about potty training. He'll figure it out when he starts school that it isn't socially acceptable to wear diapers! Oh, timeouts are a good thing for you to regroup and get your thoughts together so use them to plan your next step. You have to be more persistent than he is.

Often one of my children will try to boss another one around. I remind them that isn't their job and that it's my job to give instructions or discipline the kids or take away a potentially dangerous toy, etc.

I'm a mother of 5, 4 girls and 1 boy. Our oldest is 11. I find that when I try to work (I own and run a summer drama camp) my children tend to misbehave more. They don't like when I give my attention to the computer. So we've had to negotiate between all of the jobs I have to complete in a day and I've found that folding laundry and doing dishes is much more enjoyable when we work together. Anyway, good luck with your 4 year old and remember, he will be potty trained by the time he starts to date! He will never be 4 again so enjoy this experience with him.

L. B

1 mom found this helpful

My friend used positive reinforcement (OK, a bribe) to encourage her daughter to use the potty rather than a diaper. She said, "When you get good at going in the potty, and stop using diapers, I'll tell the garbageman that we won't be leaving him any more stinky diapers. He'll be SO HAPPY that he'll bring you a present." Worked like a charm (with a few setbacks, of course).

1 mom found this helpful

I suggest put him in underwear. It took from May- January for my 3 year old to be potty trained. I think it is partly a battle of the wills. I didn't have as much problem with poop as I did with pee. He would always just wet the smallest amount... just enough to make me do laundry. I have around 20+ pairs of underwear and it's a good thing.

During summer months I just let him run around naked. He just learned that he needed to go. It really took me just going along with it and giving it time. They need to be comfortable and willing. But, I recommend that you be consistant. If you decide to put him in underwear, then put him in underwear and not go back and forth between diaper. I have a friend who's four year old poops in his undewear and not the diaper... but she has gotten him to do it in the bathroom now, instead of in their dinning room. Also, remember that you are the parents. You may want to just not give him so much reign or so many options. I also have two, and keeping up with them and potty training is a challenge. Hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.,

Your son may be using potty training as a power strugle. How parents can turn that around is a huge issue. I can't recommend Love & Logic enough. Works wonderfully with 2 year olds - and 15 year olds! Google "Love and Logic" and check it out on the web.

J.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you have his full attention when you use discipline tactics? I have had to get full control of their face to make sure they are paying attention and understand me.

1 mom found this helpful

Howdy...I have a grip of boys and have been thru this 5 times and have 1 more to go. Consistancy is the key, as long as they are ready and the fact that he is 4 I am sure he is ready. We put cheerios or froot loops in the toilet for them to "shoot" at and of course they all got a piece of candy when they actually went. I used the dum dum suckers, they are cheap, come in bulk and are really not that big! Last but not least, put the big boy real underwear on and dont go back to diapers. It will suck for a couple days but that should be it. you know your kid so watch for signs that he might have to go and also watch the time, take him in to try often!!

Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

This is a problem that I've dealt with and what I learned was that you put them in the big boy pants. Accidents will happen but if he is made to clean up the mess, it only happens a few times....nobody wants to clean that up! Of course when he is done crying and carrying on...his cleaning job will leave a lot to be desired...you'll have to do some follow up but my kid was always sitting in the corner crying by this time.
BE TOUGH....it won't take to long, he's more than old enough.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, well I'm going to give you my 2 cents worth which may sound harsh. Unless your child is handicaped mentally or physically, there is absolutely no reason for him to not be potty trained by now. I have a three and a half year old son who was totally pee potty trained before three and poo potty trained slightly after three. Now, at three and a half, he goes by himself, I only need to help him wipe. And by the way, my son was very stubborn and afraid to sit on the toilet. I gave up on the baby toilet as he hated it and got a seat for him for the big toilet. From what it sounds like, he does not get the attention he needs as you said you work at home and have a young daughter. Sounds like he is doing all he can to get negative attention from you. Also sounds like you have not tried very hard or have been very consistant. You absolutely have to be consistant or he'll run your life for the next fourteen years. Not to sound mean, but maybe you should call the Super Nanny! That being said, you need to find some kind of reward that is actually worth it to him. For instance, with my son, he loves cars and trains. So, I went out and bought a whole bunch of matchbox cars and little trains and put them in a clear container on the top of the fridge. When he went pee in the toilet, he got a few M&M's and at the end of the day if he had no accidents he got a new car. With the poo training part, as I said my son was afraid to sit on the toilet. So first off, when he asked for his diaper, I would make him go into the bathroom and put it on, then we'd sit there until he did, then changed him. We told him that poo is dirty and it only belongs in the bathroom. And yes, he had a ton of fits about it but with a lot of consistency he finally would do it in his diaper in the bathroom without freaking out. Next, since he got that poo stayed in the bathroom. I went out and got a dozen of cheep little toys and wrapped them up as presents and put them on the fridge. If he went poo in the toilet then he got a gift. Those gifts sat up there for awhile before he decided it was worth it. It was very hard being that he was being so stubborn but by the time he got all the gifts, we were done. He has never had an accident and it worked out well for us. All that was recommended by our Doctor. So, first of, maybe take him to the doctor and have him evaluated if you have not already. If he is a normal little boy then with your consistency it should work. As I said I do think he is just doing it to get negative attention, so I'd say you need to think about where your priorities lay. As I said, sorry to sound harsh but I would have to say his not being potty trained is your fault. By the way, who cares about the carpet, get some Reslove carpet cleaner if you think keeping im his birhday suit would work. Your son is more important than your carpets, I'd say. Plus, is he is preschool? I would doubt it since they need to be potty trained... Kindergarten is right around the corner so you need to get on it ASAP, unless you plan to home school. Good luck with that, I hope I helped in some way.