Please, Please Help Me with the Potty Training!!

Well my first child, my son was VERY stubborn (and still is at age 8). He would make it a battle at age 3. We just had to back off. I did take him to go visit his preschool and the teacher made it look very fun...he saw some things he wanted to play with and we told him that in the fall IF he is potty trained he can go there. Well, 2 days before preschool started (he was 3 and a half at the time) he potty trained himself. I reminded him a few times over the summer but I did not work on potty training at all. I had given up by then bc it just seemed to make him more stubborn. I did read him potty books and he did play with friends of his who were already potty trained. So, he had a chance to see his friends get praised and even watch them go to the bathroom. My friend right now has a little boy who is over 3 and a half and they just got a potty seat with a ladder (you can look on amazon to see what I mean). Their son loves the ladder so much he is finally starting to want to sit on his potty seat for the first time. Good luck! My advice is to not make it a battle.

Perfect answer, Mira (insert hand clap!!).

I thought my son was going to go to highschool and still have accidents!! My son is very oppositional and we were in a power struggle - NO approach, no matter what book I read, site I searched, etc. worked until it was HIS idea. I picked my battles and backed off. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make em drink!

here's my advice: wait, stop pushing, put her in diapers and LEAVE IT ALONE for at least a couple of months. potty training should NOT be a fight, it shouldn't be stressful, and it shouldn't take more than a day. if those things are not occurring, your child is NOT ready, so stop, pushing it is only going to make it WORSE! if it makes you feel any better, my older two trained at 3.5 in a day, and my little girl turned 3 in february, she is not trained yet. all my friends who potty trained their kids "early" cleaned up accidents for weeks and months, some won't admit it, but it happened - i am not into fighting with my kids over the pottty, nor am i interested in cleaning up urine and fecal matter. just wait for awhile! she will NOT go to kindergarten in diapers!

My son had some sensory issues and delayed motor coordination ... and he wasn't potty trained until 3 and a half.

Okay, that's the bad news.

The good news is: Guess how long it took him to train when he was finally ready?

1 day. As in, 10 hours or so.

Honestly, with your daughter it sounds like you're in a power struggle, and the "fight" is much bigger to her than any motivation to use the potty. So, step back and give her a month or so (which is a long time at her age). Then, put her in underwear and pants/shorts/etc. When she messes them up, don't scold her or anything, just say, "Oh, sweetie, did you have an accident? That's okay, you'll make it to the potty next time. Take off the wet (or stinky) clothes for me, okay, and then you can put on something dry." Beyond the necessary wiping, do not do any of this FOR her. If she doesn't like the circumstances, just say, sweetly and cheerfully. "Well, the potty is a whole lot easier. That's what I use, and that's why I get to eat yummy things like m&ms. When you decide to use the potty, you can have an m&m too." (Because, apologies to the sugar police, oppositional kids need bribes. It's not perfect, but I swear my almost-1st-grader would be in diapers today if I hadn't finally decided to pick my battles and bring out the skittles.)

Whatever you do, don't make it a fight. Make it a cheerful, friendly option that's a whole lot better than the reality. She's at an age when she's just discovered that she has opinions of her own, and when she sees a fight coming, she will choose that over anything else.

Best wishes, and sorry so rambly,

Mira

I have 4 grown children and have been a family child care provider for over 20 years now.

My advice is Relax! She is very young! Do not compare her to all of the others. I have seen MANY children not trained at young 3 years old. I have one now who is not.

When SHE is ready she will train in a day or 2 all by herself. Put her in diapers or Pullups and then just forget about it. All you are succeeding in doing is stressing yourself out over this.

Relax and it will happen in HER TIME.

You need to let go. Your stress causes her stress. You can't make her go potty, you can just teach her how to go potty. Mind you, this doesn't mean you leave her in a diaper until she is 3, 4 or 5 and decides for herself to use the toilet. There is a teaching component here.....But if you force, you create a power struggle, i.e. a control issue. Sounds to me like she is resisting because you have created a power struggle. So the best thing you can do is let go.The more you try to pressure her, the more she will go the opposite way. Oppositional behavior is perfectly normal at your daughter's age, and very likely if you create power struggles.

Take some time off, and then just matter of factly tell her that she is too big for diapers.

You could even have one of her potty trained friends over and have her friend's mom ask her if she doesn't want her own Dora undies or something. My daughter got her best friend to want to train just by using a potty and showing off her undies.

The most important component in training is remaining calm, being matter of fact about accidents, and just giving them the space and time to learn all the components. They need to learn muscle control, then timing, and then dealing with distractions, etc.

My daughter really decided to use the potty on her own after seeing Elmo's Potty TIme. Before that it was more like me trying to talk her into going and that not working (stickers did not work well either). Once she started to wanting to go potty the reward idea started working. One week of using the potty only during the day earned her a princess barbie doll.

Good Luck!

I have to repeat what everyone else seems to be saying. Back off, she will do it in her own time. One piece of advice I would add is this: when changing her diaper or pull up, don't interact with her. She uses that as a chance to get one on one time, and if she is being ignored, she won't like it. On the other hand, ask if she would like to read a book with you while she sits on the potty, or offer to teach her a silly song, only she has to be on the potty to learn it.

My son didn't become fully potty trained until right before Pre-K last summer, because he just had no interest in it up to that point. However, we made a big deal about getting to go to school, but made sure he knew that if he wasn't fully potty trained, he wouldn't get to go.

I would explain to her that it is up to her - you will not punish or reward her. Then teach her how to clean up after herself when she has an accident. Throw out the diapers (or donate them), show her wear her underwear is kept and let her take responsibility. I suspect when it is not a big deal, she will just decide to do it.

Yep, Julie is right: She is perfectly well aware of your intense stress over this and is reflecting it with her own stress and desire for control. Nothing is wrong with her. She is being three, and exertiing her independence because she knows for certain that you cannot MAKE her do anything in a potty.

You don't want to hear this part but here it goes: There are three things we adults cannot force a child to do: Eat. Sleep. Use the potty. THEY must control these things -- or we must let them think they do.

You say she is in OT for both sensory and behavioral issues. That's a red flag to me -- isn't it one for you? She may be feeling that she's already told what to do in OT and isn't about to let another adult (you) tell her what to do about something she has figured out she can control (pottying).

Have you discussed this with her OT therapist at all? I would definitely involve the therapist. Probably the therapist, if it's someone who has worked with this age group a lot, will be able to give you an opinion on whether this is a bad time to be so focused on potty training and whether you should let this go for a while longer. If your daughter is working hard in OT right now it may not be the time to push potty training. You will not scar her for life if you leave it and come back to it in a month or two.

It sounds as if the school she will attend and their potty training requirement are making you very, very stressed about this. Having a deadline for potty training is more often a problem than a motivator, I've found. The harder the parent pushes, the harder the child resists, especially a child like yours whose currency is hard to find and who has other issues to handle. Is the school aware that she has these sensory and behavioral issues and that she is receiving OT? Is it a "throw the child out if she doesn't use the potty 100 percent of the time" school? Or do they have some understanding that individual kids will have accidents? I would ensure that they know now, not later, that you are working on this but that she also has other issues that may mean she is not perfectly trained by September.

I know you say that "every single child I know her age are all potty trained, yes, every one of them." But unless you're with those families 24/7, you don't know that these kids who are perfectly "trained" all day wet the bed all night long, or fight their parents like crazy when at home. Please don't let your idea that your child is somehow behind her peers influence you like this -- it is another factor adding to your stress. You also ask "What is the latest she will achieve this" as if there is a magic age when all kids are definitely trained. You know that's not the case.

I've seldom seen a post on here quite this stressed about potty training. Are there other stresses in your life and hers right now? Is there some feeliing that "if she doesn't go to this school it's all over for us"? You describe her as "tough" -- is she very resistant and defiant about everything else, not just potty training? In other words, is there a lot more going on here and potty training is currently the form that the battle between you two is taking? Some help might be in order if that's the case. Again, how much does the OT talk with you about her behavior and what you can do at home to work on it outside OT sessions? Do you get any breaks from your tough child? If not, can you get some?

As Dr. Phil likes to say, you have to find your daughter's "currency" and use it as a reward for using the toilet. My son used the toilet to pee at 2 years and 3 months. But he refused to poop in the toilet until just after his 3rd birthday. I was convinced that he would be explaining to his college roommate why he had a box of Depends. What did the trick was a Bob the Builder sticker book that he got for his 3rd birthday. He was a big-time Bob the Builder fan and really wanted it. My husband and I told our son that he could put stickers in the book when he pooped in the toilet and didn't ask for a diaper. We put the sticker book in the bathroom as a reminder. Within a week he was pooping in the toilet and never looked back.

You said that stickers don't work. Think about what your daughter likes best of all (her currency): you reading her a story, taking her somewhere special, a small piece of candy, a special doll, or big girl underwear like her friends have. Reward her with the story, special outing, treat, or what she really wants when she uses the toilet.

Have one of her potty trained friends over (especially one who your daughter admires) and let your daughter watch her use the toilet. That worked with my son, at least for peeing. My son had a friend who was two years older who would tell him, "I don't wear diapers. I wear underwear and pee in the toilet." He even showed my son his Bob the Builder underwear and my son wanted some too.

It should be relaxing and not a battle when you are ready to actually train her, praise her when she goes and just say she'll do better next time if she fails. If you don't put her back in diapers, as some suggested, set a timer and take her when it goes off and make it fun, no pull ups if you are seriously potty training. Especially with a child who wants to do what they want to do. If the 'crutch' is there they will use it. Mainly though, just be patient. She still is young and maybe your schedule for camp just doesn't fit with where she is now and you will have to wait until she's ready.

Kinds can control 2 things... potty-ing and eating. I have seen this in my daycare again and again... not all kids are potty trained by 3, so don't worry about her age just yet. I agree with what I'm sure others have said. Let go of it. When she's ready she'll potty train quickly with minimal accidents.

Put her back in diapers. When you decide to take her out of them and she pees on the floor. Use a matter of fact tone without anger or frustration... " yes, it looks like you peed on the floor. I'll get you something to clean that up." Let her clean it up (as much as she's able) before rushing in to clean up yourself. She's looking for reactions from you.

Any younger siblings in the home?

I think you need to lighten up on her. Talk with the camp organizers and let them know the situation. If they refuse to take her due to her potty issues, then you may need to consider a different camp or pull her out of it.

Does you dd know she can't go to camp if she's not potty trained? Let her know you will have to cancel if she can't do it. Don't get mad at her, just let her know nicely.

Honestly, I think kids will do it when they're ready...my dd wouldn't poop in the potty until she was 3 and a half. But when she decided to do it, it was so easy....and she was consistent.

I promise she will potty train when SHE is ready,.

She is not being stubborn, she just does not understand the feeling.

Put into words what it feels like when you need to go to the bathroom write them down so you can explain it to your daughter. . . There are no words are there?

This is why it is hard to teach a human to use a device to go to the bathroom.

Here is our story. Our daughter could walk unassisted at 6 months.. Yes, really.. At a year she spoke in sentences.. She taught herself to read and we did not even realize it..

She was almost 4 before she figured out the potty. Now this was not for my lack of trying. We had a neighbor with twin girls that were potty trained at 14 months!!!

I tried off and on and nothing. But once our daughter started paying attention to her little friends in daycare sitting on that row of potty chairs looking at books, she was ready.. Trained in 2 days.

Hang in there.. I know you have a date goal, but it will be when your daughter is ready and mature enough, that she will be able to do this.

I know your desperate feeling because you are describing my son exactly! Including the sensory issues and the refusals to even sit on the potty. My son was an August birthday and everyone assured me that once he started 3yo preschool he would start using the potty like all the other kids. They were wrong! He could not have cared less that everyone else was doing it! Schedules didn't work, just became a HUGE battle. Punishment didn't work, just became a huge battle. Encouragement and pep talks just made him dig in his little heels harder. Sticker charts and toy rewards didn't work. I tried all the things the experts suggested.

The only thing that worked was for me to completely back of for 2-3 months. Then I started bribing him with a small piece of candy (Rolos were a favorite although a few weeks into it he picked out some "energy chunks" at the food co-op to use as his "potty treats". In the beginning he got a piece of the candy just for sitting on the potty when I asked. Then I changed it to he got one if he produced something on the potty. I always made it his choice. If he said "No" to sitting on the potty, I would just answer, "Ok, I guess you don't want a potty treat." He progressed very quickly at that point. Once he had established a potty routine I wouldn't mention the treat but if he remembered I would give it to him. I was shocked at how quickly he started forgetting about the treat concept. Pooping took longer for him to learn because his sensory issues made it so that he really had no idea when he had to poop, but by talking and making him think about what it felt like when he did have to poop he became more conscious of the sensation.

I am sure people will be tempted to slam my methods, and I felt guilty when I started using the treats but then our early childhood class instructor gave me her blessing and said treats are a perfect method to use in this situation when nothing else has worked, because the treats will be temporary not permanent. I have never had to use a treat bribe for anything else in his life.

And yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel! But I know how dark it seems right now. Especially frustrating when other moms tell you how easy it was to potty train their child.

well, if the experts say it is a control thing. somehow figure out how to give her control of training herself. Dont clean her up, dont offer diapers, etc....explain that at 3yrs old she is a big girl and big girls go potty. explain how her friends do it. Then ignore it. if she thinks it doesnt really bother you then she gets her control back. Know what I mean. reverse psychology kind of with making her responsible for herself if she fails to go potty.

I know how frustrating it can be, but she WILL go on the potty when SHE is ready. My son started peeing on the potty right after he turned 3. I started trying to potty train him long before that. I would try for a short period of time and stop because he obviously wasn't ready. A few months before he turned 3 I wanted it so badly because I wanted him to be able to go to preschool. It was so frustrating, so I finally left it alone. Then a few days after he turned 3 he came to me and said he wanted to go on the potty and he never looked back. Now that's peeing on the potty. Pooping on the potty took 9 MONTHS after he started peeing on the potty. It was a long, frustrating 9 months. I tried absolutely everything, but he finally did it when HE was ready. I would just take the pressure off of her and yourself and I promise you it will happen when she's ready.

My son was 3.5 and it was definitely a control thing. One day, he just started using the potty on his own. A year later he still gets defiant if I tell him to use the potty. Hang in there, she'll get it.

Hi Kate!

Guess what? I had the other 3 year old that wasn't potty trained. When she turned 2, and was smart as a whip, SUPER verbal, and a natural pleaser, I thought PT would go very smoothly. She was interested, she WANTED to go. But, she couldn't make her body do it.

My daughter had a gross motor delay. She didn't crawl until 1 year, and walk until 16 months. She was very uncoordinated (still is), and walks into walls, trips on the carpet, etc.

We started PT several times and walked away from it when it was obvious she wasn't ready. Finally around 3 years and 3 months, we had some success. She became pee trained after 2 weeks, but she didn't poop train until several months later. I think going to preschool helped with that. She has only been night trained for a few months now (she turns 5 in Nov.).

As a previous teacher, I know that most schools will work with kiddos who have issues with this. Talk to the therapist, and think about putting it in the IEP plan about NOT needing to be PT by school. The deadline is making you SUPER stressed (I get that!).

I would eliminate the deadline (if possible), take a break from PT, and use your prerecorded phrases of, "People pee and poop in the potty." Give her some control with it, like others have suggested, and BREATHE! :)

The beauty is that you have summer to let her go without any drawers on......when you're ready to try again. :)

I'm PT my 2 y.o. right now. Let me tell you. ALL KIDS ARE DIFFERENT! I have been shocked at how easy it is with her, and it's not that I got any better at it. ;-)

Just be patient. I am not a patient person but, i had to be when i trained both my girls. one is 4 and half and the other is 3..
So i just bought 3 potties.. 1 for upstairs.. 1 for downstairs bathroom or in living room and the third is for the car. I also bought puzzles and put them in the bathroom and books from 99 cent store. It would be a family affair. If i had to go to the bathroom all of us would go. well not my hubby but, u know what i mean. So i would sometimes be in the bathroom for a half hour. Even if my kids didn't poo or pee i would clap really loud when i was done and say good job i would make them do what i am doing depending on what sex they were.. i have two girls so it was easier.. not easy.. So even at a restaurant i would make them both come and we each took turn on the potty in the bathroom. Also if i went to a family members house i would bring potty and wipes and the same puzzles and books with me. routine.. ya know.. Also i would throw out all diapers.. not diapers at all. I would only have pullups that were the overnight ones..
They were thicker... In the car i would put on overnight pullups.. so it wouldn't leak on the car seat.. My child would still feel the urine if she peed and that is the whole point. they don't want to get wet it burns after a while. Then when we are home i would have the child put on underwears special ones.. like tangled or princess I would have 20 pairs of underwears ready to go and if she peed in her underwear i would take it off and say it was an accident i wouldn''t yell i would just bring her on the potty even though she already wet her underwears. I would say oh u did a little in potty good job.. but she didn't do anything.. I would have her walk around in her underwears when we were home and have her get use to it.. I would move the potty everywear in the living room just so she would get use to it.. Then one day She just did number 2 first.. i made a huge deal.. I hugged her i helped her clean up empty it and spoke softly to her She was happy. So then it took sometime for number 1 to end up in potty but, she did it.. I also put a special sheet in the bed so it wouldn't wet thru the mattress. I would make a big deal no more pull ups.. So then i would have her go to bed without pullups and one morning i woke up and no urine in the bed and from this day on no accidents and my other daughter learned the same way. Let them pee on themselves they will realize that it is not good.. So it seems like you are there but you have to stay positive if she went 2 times already you are already there.. just keep going forget the stickers no toy rewards just u sit there with her.. YOu read a magazine while you are on the potty and she will mimic you. She will read her book or play your puzzle.. Everytime she eats, drinks or takes a bath and after she must sit on potty if shedoesn't do anything make a big deal.. I hope this works for you.. Don't worry about what other people say just focus on you and your kid.. You will do it.. I know you will.. Maybe i would get another potty a pretty pink one or a regular plain frog one like my kids.. They are the same all threee that i have.. I have a portable one in the car. Also you should find out from one of the teachers if something happened that she got embarressed or scared that's why she won't do it again. So try to start from scratch. Good luck

I have about 13 year in child care so I can say I have a lot of experience.

We didn't even have a bathroom in the classrooms that were for kids 2 and under. We just didn't bother. If a parent insisted then we would try to have the cook go and take that child to the bathroom occasionally but as for actually working on potty training we didn't even start it until they were 3.

Kids this age are really still learning to walk and talk at the same time. Trying to make them responsible for a bodily function full time is just....well, as you are finding out, not going to happen.

I would totally back off the panic mode and breathe. Try to encourage her to go. Do some tiny size M&M's, tiny candy's of some other sort. Give her one or two after she goes in the potty. We did one for pee and 2 for pooh.

Getting rewarded for something makes it much better than getting punished for not doing it.

My son was not fully potty trained until after he was 3. He attended daycare and learned there. I was intimidated by it, and the daycare teacher "coached" the both of us. It took a while, and there were still some accidents, but it all worked out in time. If you have a part time daycare in your area that potty trains (mine was kindercare), perhaps you could use them over the summer for help on this? Try to relax. Talk to her, but do not push her. Tell her what's going on about school, etc. As the school for recommendations, etc. Kids pick up on stress, etc., so don't make this a battle.