Please Help and Give Me Opnions!

Oh my gosh. I am scared for you. My husband has a hot temper but he always leaves the room or the house entirely when he feels like he may go into a rage. I would dare my husband to try and choke me!!!! I can't imagine what you are going through. I could see if he pushed you or threw something or maybe grabbed you but he CHOKED you!!!! Not cool.

Everyone here is probably going to tell you to get out. You know that your instincts are telling you the same, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. This is a very dangerous situation, and although your kids may not see it now, don't think that for one minute you will fool them for long. You hear about this all the time on the news- women and mothers dying at the hands of their spouses or significant others. One day he could go too far and then it's over. It only takes one time. Help is available for you to turn this around. Contact a women's shelter in your area. They have resources and help available just for women like you. If he has gotten violent with you once, he will do it again. That much you can definitely count on unless you do something to protect yourself and your children. Please keep us updated...

out, out, out! i know right now he's not hurting the children or doing this in front of them, but it's only a matter of time! you can get a job, you can get help. as far as your children suffering if you go-- do you really want to wait until the day he does hurt one of them? also, they don't need to grow up fearing for you or for themselves. children are very perceptive and especially the 5 year old and soon the 2 year old will realize there is tension and that something is going on. you don't want to teach them that this a normal, healthy relationship, because it isn't. besides the children, YOU deserve better. do not knock yourself down, you can do amazing things when you need to. and i think you need to get out. there are agencies in the area to help with abused women and children, you can get a restraining order against your husband, even contact some local churches to see if they can help you. good luck sweetie!
J.

E.,

I think We just want u to know that u don't have to feel as if u are alone. We are here for u. Mom's stick together. We are here to help and we are here for you!
`V.

U'd be surprised on what kids pick up on. They feed of their parents (more so mom's) emotions. If u think about it, if u are stressed and having a real bad day don't your kids too? It's as it they sense it. So it mommy is hurting (physically, mentally, emotionally) kids pick up on it. Not to make u feel bad. they just do. I'm a stay at home mom also and have two kids (one almost 5 and one almost 2). My dad was always verbally abusive to us and my mom. And i'm doing my best not to ever yell at my kids when i get worked up because i know where it can lead and if there was a dirty dish in the house or no sugar in the bowl we'd get spankings. Things have a way of trickeling down. I feel it's time for u and ur kids to Get Out! Go to a shelter. If u r in Charlotte there's one... We'll e-mail me. And they will help u with everything! U have to do what is right for ur kids first. And seeing them safe and happy will make u so much more less stressed and so happy! Hang in there. And feel free to e-mail me!
V.

Hi E.. It is so much easier for someone to tell you what to do when they are on the outside looking in. But...here is what you need to ask yourself. Do you want your kids to see their dad lay hands on you? Do you wnat them to ALWAYS have to explain to friends why you are depressed or brused? I WHOLE HEARTED believe that it is better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one. NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you say you are. I too am a SAHM and I went through so tings with my hubby, not like yuors, but I had a choice....my choice was he was out until he proved to me that HE wanted to change for himself. Not for me and not for my daughter, but himself!!!! I feel like the best thing you can do for your kids is to leave. If you REALLY love this man, suggest therapy for him and for yourself. NOT TOGETHER though. I talked to t therapest for a while and I reccomed it to EVERYONE!! She made me see both sides. I know it will be hard if you mek him leave, but I have a friend going though the SAME EXACT THING as you right now and we are all telling her the same thing. Your true friends will step up and help you out. THat is what they are for and you would do the same for them. Seek out a therapest. you will be amazed!!! :o)
Good luck and know that you are loved!!!

Your husband needs to be in counseling and you need to leave him. sorry to say that but I was once in an abusive relationship and I realized there was no changing my husband. If he is abusing you your children do know this and it will effect them when they are older. Get out of this relationship before its to late. You can do this and always remember you are strong and its not your fault. You will realize one day that you made the best move of your life. Go to your local police station and get a restraining order. there are shelters where you can go to for abusived women. they will help you but you need to get the restraining order. I'm sure your husband has told you that he was sorry and it would never happen again. don't believe it. my last words to you are Get out of the relationship now. Your children need you and you will do them no good if your husband ends your life. Please do this. God Bless and if you need to talk I will be glad to be here for you. You are in my prayers.

My husband and I used to work at the Rescue Mission and I have talked to (cried with) many women that got out of situation like that.If you just grew apart I would advise to try counceling, but if he is phisical ...that is not exeptable. Get out now.Go the shelter. We had women who came with nothing.They were given clothes, place to stay, food to eat.They found jobs(had vauchers for the daycare) and went on to supporting themseves and their kids. You can do it. If you are a believer, join a Bible believing church ....they will become your emotional support,your friends and family.In our shelter we pointed women to Jesus, since He is the answer.

I saw a good Oprah show once on 'how to get out'. If you decide to, don't brodcast it until you have a very specfic plan on what exactly you are going to do. Have your money lined up, place to stay, kids school, all these things that could overwhelm you. Have them all very thought out before you tell him. Document times that he has handled you physically with dates and scenarios etc. That will help if you ever want to press charges or perhaps just for custody.

A couple things I thought of is 1) stop blaiming yourself for getting all for of you in this. He is responsible for his own choices. 2.) Just because he hasn't done it in front of your kids doesn't mean he won't.

Is he military? If he is contat his OIC or his 1st Sgt. Preferably from a shelter. Also I would contact the school your 5 year old goes. THe social worker there will know where the shelters are. Go in and tell them this is an emergency and they should get the counselor and Soc worker to help you.
If you can't think of a safe place get to your church or a Catholic or Baptist church, they usually have outreach services.
Don't look back. Of course you love him, but he is being abusive and love won't fix that. You have to be strong for the children and your safety is at stake.
Many prayers for you hon.

hello wake up! get out of there! and who says the kids will suffer if you go? you could be saving their life whos to say he wouldnt snap on them one day... call your lawyer and go!

E.,

You could have been my daughter writing this. She has three girls ages 7, 3 and l and she is 25. Her husband has choked her too and he even had a knife to her throat once. They have been together for eight years and I am not by any means condoning what her husband has done to her...just telling her story. She left him last year and filed for divorce. He was made to leave the house and he missed my daughter so much and the three girls. He was gone about six weeks and they got back together. During that time, she filed for divorce, set the court date, had an attorney and was doing ok. Now that he is back in her life, they still fuss and fight, but no more violence. They had an argument the other day and she left with the kids. He and I talked on the phone and she came back home the next day. There has been no more violence, but I still am afraid at times that he will hurt her. The older they get, he seems to be the one that is mellowing, which is good, as he is 5 years older than her.

K.

Hi E.

I have recently gone through the same things as you. I had a very difficult and abusive childhood and had to grow up fast to take care of my siblings. Then I got pregnant at 15 with my now nine year old son. However, I did not turn to marriage. I decided to raise my son on my own. I finished highschool and went to college. I am still in school and am working full-time. Almost five years ago I met a guy whom i thought was going to be my life partner. It was great for a couple of years until I seen his true side. He became very violent, choked me (in front of the kids) and broke things all of the time (in front of the kids). I decided that he wasn't worth it. It was not worth my nine year old son growing up thinking that it is ok to put his hands on a female. It was not worth my three year old daughter growing up to think it was ok for a man to beat on her if he was upset. I had worked entirely too hard to get where I was and I was not going to let some man come into my life and take it all away. I offered counseling and he had agreed and the night before our first counseling session he choked me once again in front of the kids, broke mirrors, busted holes in my walls, and broke the house and cell phones so that I couldn't call the police. That was the last straw for me. As hard as it was emotionally I told him and his son to get out. That was that. I have not moved on since then and yes I sometimes get lonely, but I know that I can do it alone and there is help out there. I decided that I needed to find myself again and to do that you don't need to be with a man. I would rather be lonely than to be with someone who could potentially take my life and where would that leave my kids. I too am like you and don't have the family and friends to turn to, but you have to be strong and fight this. Leave him cause believe me when I say that it will not get better. Mine went to counseling afterwards to try to get me back but I knew and could tell by his actions that it was only to get me back, not because he wanted to get better. He was still the same person a year later as he was the night that i kicked him out for choking me for the last time. BE STRONG and if you ever need someone to talk to please contact me and we could do it together!

Get out while the getting is good .......I went thru the same thing with my first husband and I stayed cause I didn't want to be the one in my family that didn't have a family and try to work things out and it only got worse to the point that guns came in to the picture and the fights and beatings got worse as the fights came.......The children are small and they will get over and thru it maybe with some therphy I would rather do that than it get to the point that they see what is going on .........And yes it sometimes feels like it is the hardest thing you will do but God will always be there I had two foster children and we got alone just fine once I put my foot down and said to my self I can and will do it and make it one way or the other......I look back and I say to my self all the time I'm so glad that I did it now I also have two children of my own 11 year old boy and a 4 year old girl and I'm proud of my self for standing up for my self and at that time my foster boys age 2 and 3. Good luck and may God Bless you.

I suggest that you go somewhere: a friend's house, family, where ever. You need to protect yourself as well as your kids. Who is to say that he won't do something to the children next?

Hello E.. I am so sorry you are going through this. No woman should have to bear that kind of burden. I will definitely pray for you.
It sounds like maybe it's time to have some intervention from an outside source. Whether he will go with you or not you should think about some counseling locally.
God intended marriage to be sacred and loving. When vows are broke (to love and cherish) it will continue to spiral downhill until both parties are willing to stop and redirect.
If you want to save your marriage then for the sake of you and your kids you need to seek local intervention.
If your husband is not willing to cooperate then for the sake of you and your children you need to seek safety.
Pray for your husband. Pray that God will soften his heart to be willing to seek help.
I will pray too. God Bless~

E.,

I say this with love and compassion for you and as someone who was raised in a home with almost that identical situation: he cannot be a great father when he chokes his children's mommy. My parents married when my mom was 15 and I was born and their situation was alot like yours. They would be great then BAM! world war two. I do realize that it is hard to think of but you should start making an alternate plan to live your life with your children. Have you tried counseling/or is he willing to go. In this wonderful country that we live in there are resources to help. The state can provide education for you, food stamps, housing, and even childcare. I am in no way suggesting that it become a lifestyle for you but to use it as it was intended to be. One more thing I would like to add is: Children always hear or see something. They might not see all of it...but it is affecting them. I wish you all the best and good luck.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but if this has been going on for awhile, why did you have more children? Whether you think your children know what is going on or not, they probably know more than you think. If your husband is getting physical, it probably is not going to get better or he is not just going to stop. It will escalate. If he is already choking you until you almost black out, the next step is not that much further. If you go to church, seek out your preacher/priests advice. If you don't go to church, seek out someone!

You have to leave. Call a women's shelter and go there. He has problems that you cannot fix and should not have to deal with, for your own safety.

His actions are criminal. Get out. Find a half-way house, or friends you can stay with, or go to a local church and ask for help. Require him to seek counseling before you even have a long conversation with him. Make sure he admits the error of his ways before you even **think** about having anything to do with him. It is possible for him to change, but only if he gets some sort of help.

And let's get something straight -- a man who beats his wife is ***not*** a "great father". A man who leaves bruises on and nearly chokes to death the mother of his children is ***not*** a "great father". He may not beat his kids yet, but it will probably only be a matter of time before he does, or becomes abusive to them to the point where they will hate him and maybe themselves.

He is an angry, hostile man, and right now you're bearing the brunt of it. Your kids may be next. He must change before you subject yourself and your kids to any more danger.

Hi E.

Your husband’s behavior is unacceptable. You have to protect yourself and your children. There are places that you can go for a while until you can get on your feet. Do you have family that can help or a good friend?

My opinion is I would get out while you still can. Seems to me he has an anger problem. You said the kids don't see but I guarantee you they know.

I had been in an abusive relationship for 5 yrs. My husband was an alcoholic very verbally abusive to my children and me his stepchildren. I never really realized the effect it had on them until I decided to leave. I had two children with this man and they were 2 & 4 at the time and mine were 13 & 15. The day I left the children had a smile on their faces it was like they were relieved and I felt the happiness they had gotten back. I never regretted my decision. I was a single mom with 4 children to support and I made it. You can too.

You are the only one who will know when you have had enough. I wish you luck do the right thing for you and those babies.
I fear for your safety.

J.

GET OUT NOW.
An abuser will always be an abuser once they get away with it once. Even with therapy, they will still try to control in little ways until it blows back up.

Get out now. Get help.
Call your local hospital- you don't have to give your name or any details. Just tell them that your husband has become violent and you were wanting a referral to a safe place to take your children and yourself.

I'm sure that this is an extremely hard situation for you, but the only advice I have is LEAVE. If he's gotten physical with you it's time to get you and your kids to safety... NOW! There are shelters and organizations to help women in your situation, please find one so that you and your kids can be safe. Good luck :-)

OK, you asked for options. As I see it, they are as follows:

1. Run, don't walk, to a councellor. You need to go to one yourself to determine if you want to stay in this relationship.
a. if you do want to make the relationship work, you need to get him to councelling also and see if he really wants to make it work.
b. if you determine you don't want to make it work, proceed to further options.

2. Find a place for you and your kids to go so you can leave the house and start the separation process.

3. Stay and do nothing different and things will get worse.

I strongly suggest starting with 1 and seeing where that takes you. You know things are not right here or you wouldn't have written asking for help. A man may be good with the kids when they are around, but if he is abusive to anyone in his family he is not a good father.

May God be with you as you go through this hard time in your life and know that if you take charge of your life, this too shall pass.

Hi E.
First of all, you shouldn't blame yourself for something you can't go back in the past and change; there's not much you can do about decisions you've made in the past. Don't we all wish we could go back and change things :) My advice is to talk with your husband and see if your relationship is salvageable, meaning, do you both want to work on fixing it? There is counseling available for either situation. Your relationship is not just yours alone, so don't feel like you have to make the decision alone; communication is the key. Good luck!
P.

Dear E., have you tried marriage counseling? That may be the best solution to help your marriage IF both of you want to salvage it. If he is not willing to do so, then you need to get out. Your husband will not change. I did the same thing that you are doing; trying to work things out because "the kids need him". At first the fights happened when the kids were not around and then it didn't matter where or when. Now my kids resent me for staying. They have grown apart from their dad and my 16 year old has moved out. Leave so you can live for your kids. The kids don't need him if you are not okay.

I'm so sorry to hear that your having a hard time. My advice is to get out. If he is getting violent with you whose to say he wont get violent with the kids? Our jobs as Mothers is to protect our children. Do you have any family that your close with? Or have you looked into getting help through the state since you are a sahm? I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong and your heart will tell you what is best.

Dear E. W

Before something terrible happens. you need to take you and the children a way. Or someone will regret what will happen later. You do not deserve this. Your husband is got some kind of mental problem and need some help in controling it.
Just tell him until he seeks help you will not come around him with the children or you.
I have seen this before. So please seek shelter. There is some organization that can help.
I heard of Haven of Hope is one and Children service too.
I will be praying for you to get the courage to do what you see must be done.

VW

I see you have a lot of responses, so I hope you get to read this one.

First, you need to contact the Center for Women and Families. Their number is 1-877-803-7577. They are used to dealing with situations like this and can give you realistic advice, not opinions. They can provide you transportation, a place to stay, counseling, legal assistance if you want it, and job and child placement (as in childcare). That having been said, here's my opinion... A man is not a good father if he puts his children's mother's life at risk. That is what your husband is doing. Not only that, but he is well on the path of escalating his anger which will lead to your death. Not to be harsh, but if you're gone, who's his next target? You are putting both yours and your children's lives at risk if you stay there. This is NOT a "rough patch," this is a personality flaw of your husband's. These problems don't go away, they get worse. Please get help. E-mail me directly if you need immediate help, I will come get you and take you and your children to the center myself. I am a nursing student and do volunteer work there...I know they can help you as they have done so many others.

Get some counseling immediately. Once you have a plan stick to it. I mean go, and get lost, and stay lost with those children. There are organizations who will help. In 5 yrs, you will be on your own, If you don't go now, you may not have a life anymore. The one thing certain is, abusive men are vindictive, they don't stop, so you need professional help, and other women who have been there supporting you. God Bless and good luck, take this chance while you still can.

E.
I was reading some of what the other ladies had to say, and I think that they all have one thing in common. Each and every one of these women is concerned for you. The difference is what about you they are concerned for. Most are concerned for your and your children's saftey. Some however sound like they are more concerned about what looks right. You need to take care of your safety, before you can worry about anything else. Even at the ages that your kids are they know something is going on(I speak from experiance). Don't get me wrong they do not know what is happening, but they can feel the attitude in the house. While I am a Christian, and I do believe in the importance of making a family work. You cannot risk your life to do this. Nothing says that you have to get out and never speak to him again. It is very possible that you leaving will be the wake up call that your husband needs. You have to sak yourself a couple of questions. First, do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is ok, have them end up in similar relationships. Second, do you feel that you must risk your safety staying with him, inorder to try and fix the situation, or would it be better to get some space and work from there. I am not telling you to leave your husband for good and get a divorce. I am saying that people think and react better when thay have more space and time apart. Take what you can from this and know that no matter what you will do what you feel is best. Remember, even if it doesn't feel like it God loves you, you just have to ask for his help.

You asked what to do so I am going to tell you. I was in a relationship just like you described except I had 3 children. Seemed like everytime I got serious about leaving, someone would talk me out of it whether it be my parents (because they didn't want me to have to come home because the didn't want to help me as I didn't have anything I could do either and was a sahm also) or him or friends that thought they knew him. He was always wonderfully nice and wonderful in front of everyone till we got where no one could see then he was abusive and I got it every way possible: mentally, not as much physical, emotionally, financially, sexually, EXTREME verbal, etc. Everytime I would decide to stay, I got pregnant. Seems that was the only time he was nice to me so I enjoyed being pregnant and to be honest I had the kids because my parents didn't really care about me and I just wanted someone to love me. (Which by the way didn't work because he now pits them against me and they don't speak to me and I have resided myself to the fact that I will never have a relationship with them till he is dead.)

Now let me tell you. If it is that bad now it will never get any better. You can stay if you want to but I am hear to tell you that I waited 17 yrs for him to change or for things to get better and they never did.
I couldn't do anything either and I left with a wing and a prayer that I would be able to make it. I had no idea what I was going to do or how but I set out to live.... not to die. And you know what? I made it. If I can do it you can to and so can anyone else. I made something out of myself and I also married the most wonderful man in this world. I have been with him 5 yrs now and we are older now and things couldn't be more perfect. And to top that off, he didn't have children and I had a baby for him and delivered her at age 45. God finally thought that I had taken enough punishment and gave me a wonderful man to make up for all that I went through and then since my boys are lied to and manipulated against me, God gave me the most precious little girl that loves me to death. I have a different life, calm life, so raising her is totally different and everything is totally different.

So if you ask what to do..... LEAVE! Don't pass go, don't look back.... hit the door running. Don't wait around like I did hoping and praying. It isn't meant to be and will never be. Go to the local hospital, put your application in to be an EKG Tech or to work in the pharmacy or go to a rite aid or walgreens or cvs and put your application in to be a cashier then tell them you are interested in becomine a pharmacy tech. Study a little math and take your pharmacy tech test. (Pharm tech start out at about 12 to 13 dollars /hr). Go to the PTCB.org website and read what they say about the test, get you a good book and study your but off and then sign up to take the test. If you need help with the math, find you a local pharmacist or someone in your area that can help. You can do it and you can make a wonderful career and life for you and your baby. (By the way you do not have to go to pharmacy tech school to take the test and be a pharmacy tech).
You will be able to make a great living and become very smart and knowlegable and may even go to college after that.
Look at it this way: This may be the best thing that could ever happen to you. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is your reason. This will give you confidence and hope and most of all strength and you are about to grow up super fast. You will feel so good about yourself. You have to want it and you have to live and breath it. No one said it will be easy but you must never think of that. You have to hold your head hi and you have to just do what you need to do for your baby and yourself. It is ok to move in with your mom and get a little help in the beginning but honey, pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on. And you will never be out of a job if you are in the healthcare field.

If you ever need to talk, write to me: ____@____.com
What you are asking is my field of expertise.
You are strong and if I can do it with nothing, you can do it also.

I started out with $200 and no one to ever help me with babysitting or bills. Like I said, if I can do it you can too.

E. - Get out now! Any physical violence will only escalate. He may hurt your children. I don't care how good of a father he might be, if he hursts you, he can hurt them. Call your pediatrician or your child's school or your church or look up social services in the phone book. There are organizations that can help you with housing, food, clothing, etc. until you can support yourself. Do not let this man hurt you or your children!

I agree with the 5 or 6 responses I read (I didn't read them all). You need to leave for YOU and YOUR KIDS. I was in the same type of relationship (my 2nd husband), and I finally decided to throw him out. I am not necessarily suggesting that you do that, it is probably better if YOU take your babies and get the he** out of that house, but GET OUT no matter what.

One thing that helped me was to know that every second that I was with that man was another second of happiness I was allowing him to steal from me. I know that it is hard, but do it. These men DO NOT get better. They just gain more confidence, and keep escalating their violence. You should watch Madea's Family Reunion, and then play Grit-Ball with him ;)

No, seriously-leave. There is no other way. Get angry about him making you afraid! Use that energy to leave! Cop an attitude! Be careful, of course, but anything that will give you strength to get through what you need to do.

Best of luck, and I will be praying for you.

It is tough for a woman to see another woman being hurt like you are, and our hearts and claws come out when we do. Take our advice. We are not wrong. This many people-especially women-CANNOT be wrong. It is impossible.

If you decide to stay with him you should get your tubes tied. You do not need to be bringing anymore children into this family with what is going on..I can't believe you even have a 4 month old at this point. What were you thinking?! You aren't a victim in this situation, you have helped to create it and now, YOU have to fix it.
Both you and your husband need to go to counseling. If he refuses, get the heck out. There are too many programs now a days that can help support you and your children, you will just have to put forth the effort this time. Either way, YOU have to take the first step and you have to start protecting the children you have now.
My life totally reeked while growing up and I was determined to not be a victim and not to make victims of my future children. You are more worried about yourself than your kids and that is wrong. You are using your husband as your excuse now just as you have been using your rough childhood as your excuse up until you met him. How about taking control of yourself and responsibility for your actions? Your life will turn around for the better. It won't be easy and you will want to go back to whatever is familiar, even if it involves pain...but you better look at your children and realize you are lucky to have them and you need to start thinking and treating them as the little treasure they are. They see and feel everything you do, they are little sponges...

i am sure you will get lots of advice, but please don't think you are trapped. For your sake and the kids, get out. being choked? he could have killed you and then where would the kids be? please go to family or family shelter or something. he can't be a good father without showing respect to you. what if your best is yet to come and this isn't it? what if there is a better life that God has for you than this? honey, you are loved, it is not ok for someone to hurt you. feel free to contact me if you wish. L.

Honey, I have been through this situation before.
I know what you are going through.
Please find a safespace organization---Social Services can tell you how to get in touch with them.
Domestic violence is one of the leading causes of death amon women. Please leave now while you can and get a restraining order. If the kids grow up seeing this happen, it will emotionally scar them for life and they will think this behavior is acceptable. Your children deserve a better life than that. My email address is ____@____.com, if you live in the Zebulon, NC area, please get in touch with me and I will help you any way that I can.

E.,I feal so bad for you and your situation and its always hard to admit you have been abused by the person that is suppost to love you but I learnt in a spouce abuce program with my 1st husband it usually gets worse not better but you have to be a strong woman and walk away you deserve better its not fair to you,your children or your husband to stay in this relationship.there is spouce abuce shelters there is afdc to help until you can do better and subsedised housing so you can get a place you can afford.dont settle for less.you said he was a good father so hopefully visitation wont be a problem.but it must be your choice nobody elses.

Get out. Their are shelters that can help you become more independent. They can put you in touch with resources that can help you become more independent. If he is physical with you he may become physical with the children. Remember children know more than you think. They pick up on certain cues. I do not know what area you are in, but their is an organization in our area called Family Promise. Google them and contact them. They can probably put you in touch with organizations in your area. I will pray for you.

Hi E.,

I feel very sorry for you and your kids...Eventually your kids will suffer also bc you cannot be happy and productive in an abusive relationship. You must seek some professinal help ASAP...look in phone book for domestic violence number...things may get worse before better if you do nothing...You are having serious problems...please tell someone and try to make an emergency plan in case you have to leave in a hurry....please get help...no one will know of your situation unless you seek out help....I will be praying for you...

VMitchell
Memphis

You did not say whether either of you all is going to church. My past experience was that if I had the chance to get some counseling I sure would try that instead of opting an out of just leaving. If you try everthing possible and nothing seems to help then you might can say yes to a trial seperation. Be sure that the last thing to do is to get a divorce because you might not be happy alone. If you and your husband can seperate and still make the children your first priority then that may be the answer. Be careful and don't make a hasty decision.

Carol

He is NOT a good father if he is hurting his children's mother. Go quickly to a women's shelter with the kids; hold out for counselling. It's hard for a batterer to change, but you probably want to give him a try. BE VERY CAREFUL! If he has already hurt you, he may react very violently if you do anything to really protect yourself or change the situation. But do it. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so you can take care of your children. Good luck!

Dear E.-

My heart goes out to you. I am sure that your husband has many qualities that you love about him. However, there are many people who are very willing to help women like you in every community. I urge you to be courageous and seek them out. They can provide you with counseling and the emotional and financial support to get through this difficult situation. It is very important for you and your children to be somewhere safe. When you talk with your husband you need someone who can protect you from his violence to be present. I would encourage you to tell him that the only way that you and the children can come back home is if he is in counseling and has regained your trust that he will not hurt you or the children. I know that you said that he has not hurt the children yet. You do not want his violence to escalate to this. Be prepared for this to take a while. I personally recommend that you stay strong and stay separated for at least a year or whatever your counselors and support group recommend. During this time you can go to counseling together as a couple and individually. You can also do anything as a family that the counselor feels is safe. Request that your husband have supervised visitation with the children during this time - because of his past behavior. Try to avoid saying anything negative about your husband to your children. If they ask about not being with their father keep it simple and positive, but truthful. You might just tell them that you love him, but sometimes mommies and daddies need time apart.

You will also want documentation (medical records or police reports) to support your situation. Be strong. You and your children are worth getting help. It sounds as though your past bothers you. No matter what happened in the past - you deserve to be safe. Your children deserve to be safe. Be strong.

S. W

Get out now. If your husband is abusive, he will not change, it will only get worse and he could start abusing your children next. Contact your local Battered Women's Shelter ASAP. God be with you.

E.,
I live in Bahama as well. Email me if you want to get together to talk ____@____.com

T.

GET OUT when he's not around. ASAP.

This is a very serious issue. NO one deserves ANY violence. Once they start it, it generally only escalates. Counseling is one consideration, but if he is not willing, throw in the towel and get out. It is not healthy for your children, and if his violence escalates, they may be without a mother all together. There are many organizations that will help you. Look them up in your area. If the man is a good provider, and mostly a great friend, seek help before it is too late. If you are crying more than you are laughing, and fighting more than you are loving... move on my friend. You deserve better. It is not your fault, but you need to protect yourself and your children. No man has a right to be a bully.. what kind of example is this setting for your children?? Many churches have excellent programs and God is the best support.

E.,
Congratulations on the courage to reach out. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with experience in domestic violence, I highly recommend you seek professional help. Start at an organization that helps those experiencing domestic violence. They have a number of resources and most importantly let you know you're not alone. It is possible to build a healthier relationship but you will need a therapist's help. Make no mistake, if this is affecting you it will affect the children. You need to get help and find answers that are right for you. Your relationship can only be as healthy as you and your husband are individually. You deserve to be treated well.
Good luck,
L. D.

You asked for opinions, so here goes: (1) get marriage counseling immediately or (2) get out. When things get physical there is so much emotional damage that it is hard to work through the real issues. A counselor can help you identify the real issues and teach you skills to work on those issues. Don't fool yourself things will only get worse. The average woman leaves 7 times before she is actually successful in leaving her husband. Make a plan and take action.
Hope this helps, A. B., Hillsborough, NC

First I would like to say that this is a very hard situation. Secondly I think you need to look at the big picture of the future. The kids will suffer if they stay as well. Sooner or later he will do it in front of them or to them. An abuser is an abuser.I know from experience. There are a lot of wonderful programs out there to help you...safe houses that will help with housing and job placement. This is detrimental to you and your kids and could be (or sounds like it already is ) life threatening.. Get out quick and seek help.

you need to get out and get help. THere are SO many places that will help you with this. Contact a battered women's organization and see what your options are and make a plan. THEN GET OUT!

You need to get out now. You may not think your kids know, but they pick up on so much even when it doesn't happen in front on them. For your own safety and theirs, do not let this go on any longer. Your comment about YOU getting all of you in the situation is so wrong. You didn't get yourself pregnant. Obviously he was involved in it too. Don't take the blame for everything. It's a two way street and he's just as involved as you. Check your local phone book, there are so many people out there that can help you. The National Domestic Violence hotline is 800-799-7233, you don't have to give a name it's just a person you can talk to and get info from if you like. They can also get you in contact with local groups to help you and your family. Please don't keep putting yourself in danger. Just think about how much those kids need you and realize that if you stay it could get worse and they could lose you forever. Good luck, and God bless.

I know how bad it hurts to be going through this. My best advice is to seek marriage counciling now, before it's too late. Obviously, you both have issues and are holding them in. This, by no means, gives him a reason to put his hands on you. But if you start counciling, you both can communicate with eachother, then he can take some anger management classes. Let the specialist tell him he needs it. Almost all churches will provide free counciling. YMCA also does cheap family counciling. You also need to get you a "just in case" money stash. I left my husband of 1 year 3 months ago. I was in school, had no job, we have two baby girls. He was on drugs and beginning to get violent. I left before he started putting his hands on me. I was wanting him to see that the drugs were making him loose his family, but it didn't work out that way. He is a good father, so we do shared custody. Within 2 weeks of moving out, I got a great job. We are actually working good together on sharing the responsability of the girls. They are 2 and 1, and have adjusted already!! Now I don't want my husband back. We were better as best friends and are trying to work our way back to that. Never relay on a man to take care of you. You relay on yourself to take care of yourself. Men are a selfish breed. Start now preparing yourself to have no help! I also began going to church. Feeling the love of God will help you in all you do. It has lifted me up way more times than I can count!!
Good luck. God Bless.

GET YOUR CHILDREN AND GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE NOW.

Go to a women's shelter. They are experienced with your situation and can get you the help and support you need. Your marriage can ONLY be saved if he gets counseling. Please do not delay. Do not give him another chance until he gets help.

You do not deserve this. You did not do anything that gives him permission to harm you. This is not your fault.

God Bless you and your family, E.. I believe God brings 2 people together for a reason. However, your husband should not be physical with you. You need to seek help. I think he needs counseling and if he works out his anger issues, this marriage can be a wonderful thing. I met my husband in 1991 when he was 15 and I was 17. We've been married 11 years. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it is not always easy. If he ever laid one finger on me or the girls, I would talk to a counselor. I suggest marriage counseling for you both and if you are a Christian, talk to your pastor and church family. I will be praying for you.

you can't be a good mom if you are not alive - let your husband be a good Dad - without being your husband - and you can make it work - there is always a way - you never know what is inside of you till you bring it out - you need to get away - now.

Hey. I understand that you are in a ruff situation. My opinion on it is that you and your kids will suffer if you stay. They learn how to behave and act from their examples. It is a life changing event for you and your kids but just explain to them the truth. What if one day the violence is taken out on the kids or what if it goes to far and you get seriously injured? So yes I believe you should leave but do what you think. God go with you.

Love,
P. Humphrey

Your husband needs to control his anger, and his emotional outbursts. Knowing nothing about him, I would venture to guess that he has seen this type of inappropriate behavior growing up in his own home towards his mother from his father, step-father, or some male figure. This is learned behavior, not something that men do by nature and is better controlled in some men then others. If he is physical with you, he will be abusive to your children. He probably hasn't been yet, but if you allow him to continue this with you, it gives him the green light to be physical with anyone in the family, and the day will come that one of your children will irritate him with something they've done and he will cross the line.

You need to make it very clear to him that you will no longer accept that from him, and that the last time he got physical with you is the last time it will ever happen again, period. Marriage is a life-long negotiation and communication. Both of you need to seek professional counseling immediately to learn how to appropriately disagree, understand what each other is feeling and intending to say, find common ground, and negotiate the issues to where each of you gives some and wins some. There is nothing settled or accomplished by yelling and screaming, even less so by getting physically abusive.

He CAN be saved from himself and from hurting you and/or your children, but he has to want to be a better husband and man, and be willing to take the necessary steps immediately to get there. What you have now is a ticking time bomb. Do nothing to stop it, and you make it O.K., even encourage him to do it again. Your first responsibility as a mother is to your children. Remember that always.

You're right, your children do need him...and they need him to be healthy and to do healthy things. He is NOT a good father if he finds himself able to choke or hit the mother of his children. That makes him a LOUSY father and a LOUSY husband, and you need to quit enabling him and making excuses.

You also need to find and attend a support group meeting for co-dependency. It will help you grow from your negative home life experiences as well as from those you suffered in your childhood. You need to be strong enough to realize that if you must, you can support your children and "make it" on your own. Think of it this way. If someone you depend on financially or otherwise in your life dies, you have no choice but to go on, right? You find a way to make it, one day at a time. It won't be easy, it will be scary at times, but when you think you can't carry the load God will pick you up and carry you. And he'll never give you more than you can handle, regardless of how daunting the road ahead might appear.

You're young. Take it from those of us who've been around a little longer. You'll make it, and this won't be the last great challenge of your life. The road of life is full of challenges and difficulties. You just don't accept defeat, you persevere, and you grow and become a better person, mother and wife for the experiences.

NEVER let him be violent with you again. It stops RIGHT NOW! If it happens again, call a battered women's shelter and take yourself and your children to safety. They're a great resource. Some people need to suffer a short-term loss for a long-term gain. If he's as good a father and as good a friend to you as you think he is, he'll prove it to you and do whatever it takes to correct the error of his ways and get his family back. But you have to stand firm, starting right now.

God bless you, and good luck!

Hi E.,

I am no one to offer great advice, I think. I had a friend who I tried for years to leave her husband. He was a great father but he is an alcoholic. He was getting violent with her and not really providing for them. Anyways, she finally left him and it has been hard for her but he kids are happier and so is she. You need to stand up for yourself. You cannot teach your kids to respect themselves, stand up for what is right, if you do not. I will not sugar coat it. It is going to be h*** o* you and your kids but it will get easier. There are all kinds of institutions that can help you and your kids. Churches are some of the best! If your children were going thru this in their marriage what would you tell them? I hope it all works out for you and your children. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

R.

E.,
(I wrote my post before reading all the others, so I had to put this in once I scrolled down and read...I'm REALLY shocked at all the responses telling you to jump ship as fast as you can. It makes me wonder what you are thinking when you read all these posts that tell you to go immediately and find a shelter?? It really shows how our country has declined when almost all of these women automatically say "its all his fault, you're not to blame, who cares about your vows, just leave". I don't know what to make of that, so I ask you to read my post with an open mind and heart....)

Everyone is going to have vast opinions. Something once told to me that I will never forget. ONLY when you have done everything and I mean everything by the book that you can do with no avail, is when you call it quits. And I promise if done right, it will be the hardest thing you've ever done. I have no idea about your religious background and I'm not going to preach to you, but I feel like I have to recommend this book to you. It's called "The Love Dare". It was written from a movie called "Fireproof". If there is ANY way during one of your good episodes to get your husband to go see it with you, I highly recommend it. Then get the book. It's like $9 at Lifeway.
Let me say this....If he won't go, then you go by yourself or take a girlfriend with you. See the movie and you'll be chompin' at the bit to get the book and start. If you take this 40 day "love dare", and it doesn't change the dynamics of your house, (and you know you stayed diligent to the end, which is going to be very very hard), then I say take the next step. If babysitting is an issue, bring the kids to me. I'll give you my phone number, drivers license, mama's maiden name, the name of my first pet, (I'm tryin' to be funny here....)But I really think this will change your marriage. And I've NEVER thought that about anything ever. Sure I've read books before, but consistency is the key and this book will help you do that. When you start following and doing what the book says, YOU become a different person. Which makes everyone around you take notice. Go read about it, just google one of the names I gave you. The movie or the book. If you need to talk, message me.
(my kids are 11, 7, and 4 months, so we would have a great time playing for 2 hours. You can't beat a free babysitter!! This is how much the movie and book have changed mine and my husbands life!!)

okay, this is from someone who has been where you are, call your nearest battered womens shelter now!!! they will give you safe haven and help you get out on yor own and supply your kids a better home life than they have now, don't think they don't know, kids know these things even if they aren't in the room. you can do this i did 23 years ago and if he says he will change make him prove it by getting anger management counseling, without it and you go back it only gets worse, i left my x 4 times before a preacher i knew told me what i just told you to do, that was in '85 in '96 i married again after counseling etc to a wonderful man and i was able to give back to other women by working in a women's shelter in utah for 5 years, then i became widowed and moved to kentucky, i raised my 2 kids by myself for 10 years, it was hard but worth it you will find yourself and have peace in your house that isn't there now keep me posted i will be praying for you

Hey E.! Honey, I got married at the age of 18 and had two kids by the time I was 19...yes, they were both born in 1972...one at the beginning and the other at the end.....we ended up in divorce. I want you to know you are not alone. If you can't talk to your mom or an aunt then go seek counseling. It would be great and better if he would go with you but, I bet he won't. It sounds like to me and I'm no professional but, when they get abusive like that they are no longer in love with you....some have already been cheating too. Even if he has been cheating or he thinks he's no longer in love with you seeing a counselor can help...both of you. If you've grown so far apart that there is no sense in staying together you still share those kids and need to be friends enough to communicate for them...I do hope it doesn't come to divorce....I hate divorce....I have remarried and my second husband is a God send. We don't always agree on everything but, we have the respect and love one needs to have in a marriage. I wish you well....I've read some of the other replies. I don't think ditching your husband just yet is the answer. It might lead to that but, if you don't communicate with him first you will never know if your marriage could have been saved and divorce is harder on the kids than it is on the adults but, it isn't easy on them either. TRY talking to him and letting him know how is actions or lack of are causing you to feel. If he won't discuss it then seek counseling for yourself. Staying in the marriage or getting out you will need counseling and so will those kids.....you don't know if your husband is worried about loosing his job, or is it something physical? First ask him what is going on with him and let him know if he doesn't wish or can't discuss it with you then give him the support you would want if it were you and tell him you will support him if he seeks counseling or sees a doctor or any type.....don't immediately throw your hands up in the air. Remember those wedding vows? For better, for worse, through sickness or in health or however it goes. Listen to your head and not your heart. If you fear for your safety or the safety of your kids then yes, get out....make a plan. Pack some clothes and have a friend get them....seek out a safe haven....once there then you can try to work with your husband....he could be on drugs which have changed his moods....you don't know until he either opens up or shows more irratic behavior.....