PLEASE HELP! 23 Month Old Having Major Meltdowns

Hi C.,
The poor little guy is tired! My son is 23 months and is TOAST by 1:00 p.m. and must take a nap. Plus, 6:00 is very eary to be putting him to bed in my opinion anyway. We don't put our son down until around 8:00, all depending on how long his nap is of course.

I think it's the no-nap that's causing this. I definitely think it's too early in age to eliminate that. I understand you want him to go to bed early but it's not healthy to cut the nap and then expect him to behave. He's still much too young.

L.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,

You sound like a great mom! I have 4 children and my first used to have what I call "hissy-fits." :-) I can tell you that you'll want to nip that in the bud. My daughter is now 16. If you think a "hissy-fit" at age 2 is bad, you should see one at age 14. Yikes. I did things a little differently with my other 3.

First things, when you give him any kind of directions or what ever it is that triggers the meltdown, make sure the TV or radio is off and there are limited distractions. Then as soon at the meltdown starts, turn your back, say nothing, walk away. Do not talk to bad behavior.

If your child has some speech delays, you'll want to check out Communicating Partners. This has helped our son much more than the early intervention services. www.jamesdmacdonald.com One of the things Dr. MacDonald says is "Don't talk to bad behavior." You and your child will love using his methods of developing communication.

Also, check out www.ican-do.org for a neurodevelopmental evaluation. You will probably make greater progress using this method rather than early intervention.

Blessings,
T. E.

Wow!!! Have you got your hands full!!!
My oldest are only 20 months apart. While I was pregnant with my second, my mother did the best thing I have ever heard or seen anywhere. She told my baby, at 18 months old, that the baby in my belly was HER baby! That she had to help mommy with HER baby. She was included in everything concerning the new baby. She helped me change her diaper (getting diaper, wipes, and putting them in trash, then we washed our hands together) I breastfed, so she couldn't help me with that at all, but she did sit on the other side of my lap, or on the side of my chair. she would hum or sing to her baby sister while she was eating, bathing (helping my dry her off gently, powdering,) then talking to her to keep her calm whenever she was upset. My new baby wouldn't laugh or smile for me, but she did for her big sister! They grew up as best friends, they never really needed anyone else. They are now 16 and 17 years old and the oldest (mommy) is getting ready to graduate high school and move away for college. I really don't know how they are going to handle being apart for so long, but they are both looking forward to being together when its time for the second one to meet up with her at college in a couple years.
Have you ever thought of his tantrums are being brought on by the loss of attention, or someone else sharing attention?
Try including him, or asking him if he wants to help, and show him how he can help with the baby and to be gentle with what is his baby too, so share the baby! (Family)
When you sing or play with the baby, sing/play with him too, and ask him if he wants to sing with you. Or ask him if he would like to hold the baby, he may be little, but it is his baby too.
The worst thing you can do is try to protect the baby from him too much (I know, its instinct) but now is the time to teach him limits and how to love his little brother and to be proud of him.
These are just hints that could ease the tension a little, with you and him getting used to have someone else to share you with.
And always talk to him and let him know whats going on, and let him make choices for himself. If he's crying because you gave him the wrong spoon, ask him if he wants a fork. I know it doesn't make sense, but its something different to choose from. then if he picks a fork - let him use it, laugh and he may laugh too.
And, I would absolutely put the nap back into his schedule. If he gets up at 5 am, put him down for a nap around 10 for at least 2 hours, if not more. if he gets up around noon, find something to do to exert himself, (running, going to the park, going for a walk. The new baby could use fresh air too!) Then put him down for the night around 8 - 8:30, unless he's tired before that.
Good luck

Hi C.

It looks like you son is jealous and wants attention, which I can understand.
My daughter was 24 month when my twins were born and we had almost the same pattern, and still have it to this day (the twins are no 17 month and she is 3.5).

It has nothing to do with not being able to communicate since my daughter by now can do that very well.

One thing is for sure it gets worse when they are tired. My husband or I just take her immediately to her room hold her and she can only come out either if she calms down or she takes a nap. It took about 5 times to make the point and now she will lie down if we take her to her room for a nap.
We had the same problem at night as well. She craved the attention after the twins go to bed and will not fall asleep. And I figured out there is a magic time which is 8:45 for her. If she is not in bed by then she will not go down before 10:30. So it is a race each night.
This time holds if she takes a nap or not. It is actually easier if she took a nap because she is calmer and a happier kid than if she skipped the nap.

But you can try to get your older one involved. I made her in charge for diaper changes as well and I even let her undress the babies with my supervision. she was trilled to be able to help because then she gets all the attention is wants at this moment and does not interfere.
Even when I fed the twins I read her a story to keep her occupied at this time to get away with this I want attention now thing and if I don't get it I try to get it in a disturbing way.
Other battles like she will not feed herself, dress herself I tried to pick strategically. If we needed to get out of the house I would just dress her, but on days we stayed home I just let her run around in a pj until she decides otherwise. strangely it never takes that long.

Good luck.

P.

I took this advice myself when my children were young and it worked like a charm. "You have two choices - if you want to be nice you can stay out here, if you want to whine and cry you have to go to your room and cry in there, you can come out when you're finished. Try it, put him in his room, close the door and let him cry. It will be hard on you at first, but I guarantee it works. My friend (who gave me the advice) said her daughter starting telling her "Im going into my room to cry now! and would stomp off and do so, then come out feeling better.

What do you do when he is having his tantrum? If you are paying any kind of attention to him then his tantrum is working. Sure he's frustrated, but he needs to learn to cope with his frustrations without screaming. 50 minutes of hysterical crying isnt healthy for anyone. Perhaps he really didnt want the cheese, but didnt know how to ask for what he really wanted. OH WELL. When he points at something ask him if he really wants it or if he wants to chose something else. Then if he doesnt eat what he picked dont force him. BUT if he starts screaming tell him once to stop. Then put him in his high chair and turn it towards the wall and TOTALLY ignore him. Whistle, sing, hum, turn on the radio, do the dishes, but TOTALLY ignore him, until he stops. Then let him down without commenting on the screaming. He needs to learn the screaming will not get him cheese, attention or anything else, but a sore throat and a chance to look at a blank wall. I doubt if it will take more than a week for him to stop.

I've been down this road. Your story sounds all too familiar. My son was 2 1/2 and could barely say Mama and Daddy. We started birth to 3 at about that time. And I recall very clearly the meltdowns he would have. And I had a baby in the house. His sister was born a week after his 2nd birthday.

Choices were a big part of his speech therapy. First being able to point and choose and then associating a sound with the choice, and then finally the word for his choice. So, I think that is great you are giving him a choices to make.

Also, what worked WONDERS for us is making a picture book. I took digital pictures of everything from his juice cups, to diapers to favorite toys, etc. Printed them out on cheap paper and put them in a cheap photo album. It was great practice for his speech. And fantastic for him to point and show me what he wanted.

(We used the book everynight at bedtime and said goodnight to all the things in the book. In a matter of a few weeks he could say all the words for the items in the book.)

I am a very patient mom, like you, but also very firm. I do what I say and say what I do. My word is final, and I do not waiver. We had incredible battle of wills in his toddler years. But I never lost. And he got the point pretty quick. And as his speech improved his behavior got better and better.

Another thing that helped us was explaining to him that I knew what he wanted. For example, if he picked cheese and then had a fit because he wanted yogurt. I would say to him, "I KNOW you want the yogurt. I understand what you want. But, you have to finish your cheese first." My son could not talk to me, so by me explaining to him that I understood him, helped a great deal.

The good news? He is now 4 almost 5. He is in Pre-k and LOVING IT. He doesnt stop talking. EVER. My firm parenting paid off and he is now a well behaved, joyful little guy. And I could not be prouder to be his mom.

Best of luck to you and your family. :)

First...It gets better. My first two are a little closer together than yours, but similar in the way the older one reacted to the new baby. Let me just say, the first 6 weeks were the hardest. And not that everything is smooth sailing now, but it is A LOT better. Your older son is use to MOMMY. He was use to having you to himself. It's a big adjustment. It will take time for him to love his little brother. Have him help out with things. Bring you diapers, bring the baby toys...things like that. My son loved to help burp the baby. I would hold her on my lap and he'd pat her back for me. It was super cute. Good luck!

I am no expert... my 23 month old will become a big sister in a few weeks.... so I am bracing myself! But 2 quick suggestions.

1. Give him back his nap. If he is up until 8:30 every night, try pushing his bed time back ... a little at a time. Maybe if he was in bed at 7 instead of 6... it wouldn't be so stressful that he is awake for so long at night. My daughter used to be up for 2 hours every night also... it was just a phase that went away after a while... but the point is, I would stick with that. Don't give up the naps.

2. This works with my daughter... Try to get in his shoes. Figure out why he is upset and then talk to him about it. When I tell my daughter what is bothering her, it stops the tantrum. Ask him... "are you upset because you want to choose the spoon? and mommy is rushing you? You know, I just want you to have your spoon so you can eat... " Basically, I ask her a few questions that tells her why she is upset. Then I tell her why I am doing the thing that is upsetting... she understands. It's the first part though.... acknowledging her feelings; that gets her quiet and listening.

sounds like a power struggle to me. i would not give him too many choices. 2 spoons to choose from, for example. also, we ALL do this, but don't talk so much when you think a power struggle might happen. very difficult to do, believe me, but it works. also, it's been only a few weeks since the new little guys came around. everyone in your house is adjusting, especially him. try telling him what a big boy he is and ask him for HIS help with things. the first time my daughter had a major temper tantrum was three days after her baby brother came home from the hospital. lasted a little bit until we all could figure it out. you will too. don't sweat the small stuff.

First of all congrats on the new baby. Its hard adjusting to two though. I think you need to get a routine down so he knows what to expect. Also include him in helping with the new baby. He can get the baby's diapers for you or throw them in the garbage. Let him help pick out the baby's clothes for the day before you help him get dressed. Maybe then he'll want to do more on his own. Have you found a way to go out just the two of you since the baby was born? It's so hard at this age for the older sibling to share time with mommy and he needs to know that you still have time for him. As far as the temper tantrums go the only advice I can give with those is don't give in. Help him get the words though. Tell him what you think he's feeling. Make sure you say it loud enough over his screams so that he can hear you. Try it, he might stop and look at you like you're nuts, but he stopped. Sometimes at home I've even done the actions of the temper tantrum with the kids. On the floor kicking and screaming. When they see mommy do it it looks so funny to them. You can't do it a lot though. Just enough to get their attention if all else fails and it helps calm them down and maybe even giggle a little. If nothing else put him in a safe place until he's calm and once he has calmed down go in and talk to him. Not having the words is frustrating and then throwing in a new baby into the mix his world is out of control. Help him gain the control back. That's why I suggested giving him jobs to do with the baby, but make such a big deal out of it. When he brings you the baby's diaper do a big boy dance. When he helps pick out the baby's clothes high fives. When he goes to get his clothes great big hugs for him. The baby is getting attention for crying and he thinks he should too, but if he gets attention for his big boy things he'll want to do them more.

He's having these meltdowns because he can't communicate with you. I highly suggest you get him some behavioral therapy through the early intervention program. The poor kid needs it, and they will give you training on how to handle this, what to do, etc. Call them. This is what they are there for.

~ a mom to a 4 year old on the autism spectrum.

Hey C.,

I think the meltdowns are due to you taking away his nap. He is still very young to go all day without a nap. You said it took from 6 o'clock till 8:30 to put him to sleep. Why did you put him to bed at 6. Why not let him nap from 12 till 2 and put him in at 8 or 9 and see if it helps. I know I have meltdowns when I am tired I am sure he is exhausted. He also is dealing with a new baby so it is probably for attention. If you can get him to nap during the day then you should rest as well during the day. I would then create a bedtime routine of bath, story, and then bed and see if it helps. It's hard to advise on the meltdowns if they are related to him not sleeping enough. Good luck with the new baby I am sure it will all work out this is a time of adjustment for the whole family.

Hi Kathy,
We're going through some of the same things with our oldest, 2 1/2 year old son since the arrival of our second, who is now 10 months old. All of a sudden Ben (2 1/2 year old) wants us to hold his sippy cup like a bottle becuase we feed the baby with the bottle; he wants to be cuddled/cradled like a baby even sometimes; held alot more now; fed, etc. Since the baby is getting bigger it seems to be getting worse.

He also has a speech delay and receives services in our home 4 times a week. He also gets frustrated with it I believe. He does some have some words now, but nowhere near what he should have at his age.

Our speech therapist told us we should do a picture book and put pictures of all the things he likes to do, play, go, food, ect. so then he can pick from those things. As far as the sibling rivalry, we still haven't figured that one out either. We're trying to do more "alone" time with either my husband or I with him so he still feels "special" as well. Sometimes he loves his brother and will get him toys, rub his head, kiss him and then other times he's trying to hit him, etc. It's hard!

J.

Hi C.,
First off I am sorry you have to deal with this. It is so frustrating when you try everything & nothing works.
The first thing I would suggest is bring back nap time. We nap from 1-3 solid & go to bed around 7:30-8:30. Maybe do a lite snack before nap & have "lunch" after nap. They will eat when they are hungry. I would suggest time outs. Sometimes my son just gets worked up, so I tell him to sit in time out( not as a punishment but to just relax). Maybe ignore the behavior. I know a lot of people don't agree but we did the Cry it out sleeping & I have to admit I have an amazing sleeper- Even in the morning when he wakes up he just plays until I go to get him. I also don't force him to sleep - some nights he is in bed talking to himself for an hour before he goes to sleep.
Also my nephew( now 10) didn't talk till almost 3 years old- he is a well adjusted smart young boy. Good luck & I hope you find the advice that works. M.

It has to do alot with having a new sibling in the house. children often regress when a new baby is brought home.. He sees you doing everything for the new baby so he wants you to do everything for him.. appease him for now. he just wants some extra love and attention. if he wants you to pick out his clothes, I would do it. He wants to make sure that you still love him as much as before his brother came and that he can still trust and depend on you. This will not last long. Also try to plan some one on one time with him... And if your new baby is crying and your older son wants something, get the older one what he wants before you tend to the baby... it's ok for a baby to cry and your older son will remember that you chose the baby over him... good luck!! it will get better!!

C.,

My daughter was 2 1/2 years old, very verbal, and a great napper, and we still had to deal with major meltdowns after her brother was born last year. It sounds like the combination of difficulty communicating, being overtired, and adjusting to the new baby leaves him with little if no frustration tolerance. I liked the idea another mom gave about having a picture book to help him communicate. Another idea is to try to teach him to use sign language. It's amazing how much kids have to say before their mouths have the ability to make words. Check out this website for more info:

http://www.babies-and-sign-language.com/

Hope this helps. Good luck!

A.

Keep calm and keep consistant! Anytime the new baby cries for something tell the infant to "use his words" and then say the words for the baby, i dont know if i explained that well. ALWAYS encourage the older sibling to use their words too. get down on the floor, make eye contact, sit calmly and quietly and almost whisper if you need to speak. I've worked in a daycare as the lead in a toddler room for over a dozen years and found that when i was calm, it relaxed the kids. if i got stressed the kids frustration levels went thru the roof!!! also try "asking" the older sibling what they think the baby needs show them a pacifier and a diaper and let the child try to figure it out, you probably know what that baby needs but a crying baby can also be upsetting the older child too....A day nap may still be necessary what if you shorten it up and wake him up? it will refresh u too...i hope this helps!

Our son was 35 months when baby arrived, so a different situation, but he would really lose it around me (biting me, etc; then I'd nearly lose it with him).... one thing that helped was a daily routine of 15 minutes of a craft before dinner (or maybe before lunch for you). Same simple craft every day. The routine of it helped both of us slow things down. Of course, doing anything right before a meal is hard, but if you can prepare the yogurt, etc beforehand, then have together time....

You sound like you're actually coping well with it -- a friend once told me that nothing with kids lasts more than 3 weeks, then it's on to another issue.

Also, at least once a day, I said out loud, "Baby is crying but Baby will have to wait while I [do whatever] [with/for] Big Brother." So often, the older sibling has to wait, and really, which of the two has a longer memory of having to wait? (I got that one from the Portable Pediatrician, my favorite book.)

Best of luck to you. Hvaing a newborn is far from easy -- caring for the older sibling is hard, when you want to give them so much more than you might have.

I am not sure how much helpful advise I can offer but I am in a similar situation. I have a 5 month old and a 3 year old and my older one is still trying to adjust. He turned 3 when the baby was about 6 weeks and is very verbal and very jealous of the baby. He says he wants to send her away or hit her. We have talked about it (he feels what he feels but it isn't okay to act on a feeling if it hurts someone). We have seen so many meltdowns lately--I know it is a combination of the new baby and his sleep schedule (needs a nap but fights it and drags out bedtime). He was a good sleeper and mostly a well behaved kid before. It is worse when he is extra tired or tired and hungry. My patience is nearly gone by lunch a lot of days! The only trick I have gotten to help is giving him a choice and if he won't choose in a reasonable amount giving him until the count of three or mommy chooses (sometimes it ends in a meltdown...but sometimes the meltdown over something is inevitable and you just have to get it over with).

We also have trouble with eating sometimes. He says no to whatever I offer him (except junk food) but if I just put something he likes on his plate he will usually eat some. He also now wants me to feed him each bite lately (I think this is another regression because of the baby).

Anyway, best of luck. It should get better for us all eventually.

Is he different in playdates or with other adults (speech therapist)? Does he want more time w mom or alone? Look for a support group thru the birth services. Good luck with learning how to be patient.