Playground Race Discrimination with Daughter

Hi V.,

I'm so sorry for your daughter's pain. And yours as well. I absolutely think you did the right thing. Though I don't know the little girl or her family, I must say I don't think she made that up on her own. She heard it somewhere. Having said that, I don't know that you would have gotten anywhere by speaking with her mother. Sad as that sounds. I just went through that with my little boy who just finished first grade. He came home upset because some of the kids in his class were talking about him. When I asked why he thought they were doing that, he said because I'm black. I immediately called his teacher and had a very frank conversation with her. She assured me that she would have a conversation with the WHOLE class because she and the school have a Zero Tolerance policy about that. She was going to wait a couple of days so that my son was not brought back into the spotlight again. A couple of days later my son came home and told me that the teacher talked to the whole class about not being mean and understanding how people can be different. While glad that she did keep her word, it saddened me that I had to have that kind of conversation with my 6 year old. I knew that I would have to one day, just not so soon.

Again, I think you did the right thing, but please continue to encourage your daughter to extend herself to others. Not all kids and their parents think like that. Impress upon her that God loves everyone and so should she. Pray for those that do wrong to her. It may seem weird to her, but she will feel better if she does that and the more she does it, the better she will feel. God bless you.

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I am so sorry for the pain you and your daughter are in, but don't feel bad about how you handled it. Last Oct my daughter was at a beach party, and some of the older kids (she was kinder, they were a mix of first-third) refused to play with her because "she was too fat". My daughter's BMI is 14 and you can count her ribs. But she doesn't have flat abs (I suspect constipation has stretched them out, now with swimming and too much fruit she has less of a toddler belly).
I *still* haven't said anything to the mother of the kids who apparently said it. (I only vaguely know her).
(in light of this conversation, it's now ironic that they are a mixed race family of south-east Asian /African-American. Apparently everyone’s kids need a little guidance.)

If I were that mom, I would want to know. I was horrified when my daughter started to express some misgivings about skin color when she was 4. This was exactly one of the reasons I sent her to a diverse preschool - not the all white one!!! So I bluntly told her I would have her talk to her Abuelita about it. (Thank you grandpa for marrying a Hispanic woman with dark skin. Mostly cause she ROCKS and we adore her. But boy was that a handy teaching moment). My Dora watchin' , Spanish lessons daughter quickly backtracked. NO, she didn't love Carmen any less for her skin color. She also begged that I never repeat her comment to Carmen or her pre-school teacher from Mexico.

I latter (about another topic) had a child psychologist explain to me at this age they are doing a lot of sorting out about ME-US and THEM-NOT LIKE ME. It's part of sorting and categorizing, not to mention figuring out their own identity. I learned it's a process that parents need to be hyper vigilant about. There are those studies where they give African American children a choice between a white baby doll, and dark skin doll, and what do they over whelminingly pick? ouch.
http://www.kiridavis.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWyI77Yh1Gg

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Hi V.:
I'm still floored that in this day and age in one of the most accepting and diverse communities that this even happened. You must have been horrified and too shocked to even compose the words to muster a response!

I'm very comforted to see that your post has already received so many supportive responses (KUDOS to all the other great moms who are equally abhorred by this behavior).

You have great instincts...trust them. You'll know what to do if this should ever happen again (hopefully never, but the world can be harsh).

Blessings,
J.

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I agree with your husband and you mother. You should have approach the mother of that girl. Next time you see them at the park try to talk to her mother about the incident. You also need to talk to your daughter, make her understand that there is nothing wrong with being black but there are still a lot of ignorant people in the world.

I think you did the right thing in not speaking to the mother. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. The girl obviously learned this behavior from home, unfortunately. Tell your daughter that some people are not as smart as they should be and she will have to be patient with such people. Good luck!

I totally agree with Noelle.

Its hard on the spot to find the right words. But as I am a frequent playground mom, I have trained myself not to get too uptight about talking with other moms about wayward behaviour. Its great to be able to teach our kids to be in control, and that includes having the courage to say to anyone who hurts us "I don't like what you did to me, please stop". No matter the situation that comes up, take a breath, calm down, and approach the child's parent. Just to say "My daughter's feelings are hurt, I wanted to let you know". If it had the chance to turn the slighest bit ugly, walk away and debrief with your child somewhere else.

With kids I find that its Ok for us to tell them what we think, but its more important for them to discuss, and talk about how they saw it, what they felt, what they think, and most importantly, what would they do next time it happens. Help them with the practice words so that they can say them for the first time (and hopefully the last). Empower them to think for themselves by helping them with their words.

I have found CA to be really welcoming to people of diverse backgrounds, so hope you get that quickly too.

With kids I find it important that

I can't believe that would happen! I'm so sorry your daughter had to go through that (and you too). I think stopping the apology and reassuring your daughter were good things to do. I think if it had happened to me I would have been so in shock about it, I wouldn't even have known how to respond. But thinking about it now, I do agree with the advice you got about approaching the girl's mom. It could have been that the mom was unaware that her daughter would think such a thing, and she might have been grateful for the chance to talk to her daughter about it. (I would want to know if my child ever said something like that!)

Perhaps it could be said something like this (spinning it with the kindest assumption and nicest voice possible), "I just want to let you know what I heard your daughter say to mine. "quote the child" She might not understand yet how hurtful such comments are, and I am sure you are doing your utmost to raise a kind and thoughful girl, which is why I thought you would want to know. After all, if it were my daughter, I would want to know so that I could address it with her." (I don't like confrontations myself, but they often turn out better than I fear.)

I would also tell my daughter (and maybe you already did all this)about how wonderful it is that God made everyone different so our world wouldn't be boring. And that there are some people who just don't understand how nice that is, and we should pray for them that they would know God's love better. As a Christian also, I'm teaching my children to pray for those who hurt them because they might not understand how much God loves them, and if they did, it might help them act better.

I'm really interested in what the other moms have to say. I hope you get lots of good, useful advice!

It's sad that in this day and age, there are still some ignorant people who are teaching their children that it is ok to hate. I commend you for being a lady in a tough situation.

I actually would have said something to the girl. I would have just said that that isn't very nice and that the color of someone's skin isn't a reason to not play with someone. I probably would have said something like 'how would you like it if kids didn't want to play with you because your hair is blond?' or whatever color. I have told kids at the park who's parents weren't appropriately watching them that it's not very nice to take my child's toy without asking, or to throw sand at him etc. so why not give them a little life lesson? I probably would have also spoken to the mom but I can see why that would be difficult. Ugh! How frustrating. I'm sorry you went through that.

In my kid's kindergarten, there are so many different skin colors that they have a whole box of crayons with just skin color, and they range from peach to light brown to dark brown to black. I have always been impressed at how the school really teaches that we are all the same, no matter what the skin color. All of my children are extremely "color blind"---and have friends of all races.

We had an experience this past year with my 6th grader, who was literally the only blonde in the whole class, where she was being teased for being blonde, and because her skin was too "light". (Comments like "Oh, I don't like her, she's too white") It was very hurtful, and because of their ages, being much older than the 5 year old at the park, it worries me too. She didn't want her teacher to know, thinking it would make it worse, but when it continued, she finally talked to her teacher, who handled it very well. Things were resolved, and by the end of the year it seemed to be better.

I don't know what the answer is, but it is obviously a problem for everyone. I think it is normal for young children to be curious about skin color, and comment on it, but it should never stop them from interacting with another person!

I am sure kids pick this up from everywhere. I am sorry you had this experience, I know it is hurtful. I hope your daughter knows that she is not the one with the problem!

We ran into similar issues with our son when he turned 4. He had a problem with people who were dark (of any race) which is ironic since he is 1/4 African American. We got great advice from his black summer camp teacher. Skin color is no different than eye color. We all have different eye colors just the same as we have different skin color. His preschool also did a nice job about showing the continuum of skin colors from white to dark and everything in between and how folks in different countries tend to have different color skin. I might add I just got back from Europe where we spent some time in London where there was every possible color and language represented and everyone played together pretty nicely.