Playdates

I would not do it. I do not trust anyone to just drop of my child to. My mom let me do it when I was 10. Well guess what happened. It was a freind of the family too.My son is 12 and he is 5'7'' and I am just now letting him stay all night with very few people.

I have a kindergartener and a 2 year old and we have had several solo play dates, even as young as 4 years old. It has always worked like this for me: I meet the parents at some sort of classroom event, like a holiday party or open house, then I feel better about sending my daughter out... OR I have the other child and Mom (and siblings sometimes) over for lunch on a "stay-home" day such as an in-service or weekend. The other mom and I chat while the kids play and I cook, then we have the groundwork for solo play dates later. I LOVE solo play dates... I get so much done whether they are there or here, two children entertain each other. A great antidote for, "Mom, I'm booooored."

I read the first 10 or so emails - and everyone who said get to know the parents first - was absolutely right!

My best friend's son was molested at age 3 by a male. One out of every three children are victims. What horrible statistics!!! I am overly protective and proud of it. Better safe than sorry any day.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you are being over protective! When my daughter was that age, I didn't drop her off without knowing the family either. On one occasion however she was invited to a birthday party at a little boy's home whose family I had not met. I went to the door with her and introduced myself. The parents were really odd, sitting in the living room watching TV (not for kids TV)and smoking! I stuck around and was glad I did. The parents had no activities for the kids or anything. In fact they did not attend to the children at all. It was quite strange so if you feel like you ought to be there a while then be there. Once your child settles in you'll know the regulars and thier families. If it is someone new, you can always suggest meeting at a park or McDonalds or soemthing like that for the first time. Bottom line, some parents are comfortable leaving their children with people they barely know...if you aren't, don't let their judgement make you feel like you should change yours.

R. - mom's need play dates too...so take a break with your little one - have some adult conversation but don't leave your child with someone who you do not really know. Depending on your child's personality - she may need to be in 4th or 5th grade before going off to someone's house. She needs to be able to communicate - without fear - whatever she may feel she needs to tell you. Unfortunately, our world is whacked and our kids aren't safe - sometimes with folks we do know. Pray for wisdom.

Honey , go with your instinct . I don't leave my babies with anyone i may have briefly known, you never know these days . God Bless , F.

Mom of 16 yr old daughter and two son's 11 and 5.

I have 3 children, 10, 8 and 4, and I am a VERY protective Mother and my husband is more protective than I am! My children NEVER go to a house of someone I do not know personally and personally very well! My older children have been on solo playdates, but with families that me and my husband both know very well. He knows the husband well and I know the wife well. We never allow playdates where the dad is alone at home with the kids -- the mother always needs to be there. This is a rule for our household too. Just protects my husband too. Anyway, when they were younger, we did more playdates at local restaurants like McDonalds, Chick-Fil-A or the local park and brought a lunch. That way you can see how the other children react to your children and you can get to know mom a lot better. My husband and I feel very fortunate that we can choose our children's friends right now and we have told our children they couldn't go to someone's house and the underlying reason was their home life and their parents. You can NEVER be too overprotective of your children. God gave them to us to protect. We don't take that lightly.

Hi R.! I also have a child in Kindergarten and we have been in this same situation. When I have not known the parents, I call them before the playdate to try to get to know them and suggest that their child comes over to my house first, suggesting that the mother or father comes over also so that we can get to know each other a little bit. I have also suggested that instead of going to a private home, we meet somewhere pulic, such as the park. That way the kids can play and the moms can sit and get to know each other. You can never be too careful about knowing who your children are playing with and where they are playing, so ask around too. Ask other moms that you do know if their children have played with that child and if anyone knows the parents, etc. Just be honest and say that your child has been invited for a playdate and you do not know the parents. There is nothing wrong with inquiring about the safety of your child. Good luck!

I understand your concern. I think playdates are fine when they are in kindergarden. However, I also think you should meet the parents so that you feel comfortable about doing this. Some suggestions: host a mom/daughter get together at your house for a couple of hours for the moms to get to know each other while the kids play; invite a mom and daughter to go to lunch with you and your daughter....the end result is that you get to know the child's family better and can feel more comfortable allowing the play date. Hope this helps!

I would visit the home and talk to the parents first. When I began allowing my 7 year old to visit a classmate without me I knew the parent and the classmate. I taught at the school so I was acquainted with the ones my child visited about age seven.

When visiting use your intuition and observe. Is the home safe? clean? smoke-free? cussing ? yelling? screaming? I would always talk to the parents first ....and it is best if you know them. Usually when my young children visited soemone's home it was a parent and child get togther..that is my preference.

I do not encourage overnights for teenagers unless you checkup consistently. I have found parents not at home and teens going places you would not allow them. Freedom from home should be granted slowly......whatever freedom the child has now he or she will expect it to be increased when he or she becomes a teenager.

IF you don't really know the parents....never! I try to always make my house available for our children's friends. I don't hover over them, but I do supervise. You may want to try this. I don't think you can ever be too careful on the safety of your children.

Another thought is to make a play date for your daughters friends and their mommy (maybe at the park or a tea house...). My daughter LOVES this!!

Hope this helps!:)

Be sure to thank them very much for the offer, but explain that since she's in school you have limited time together and prefer to spend time with her. Offer to meet them at a local park or cafe and get to know the parents. Likewise invite the mom and child to your house for snacks and play.

R.,
I am a mother of 2 girls as well and though neither is old enough for Kindergarten...I don't think I would let either of them attend someone elses house alone at that age. I think this should be a decision each parent can feel comfortable with, which obviously you don't or you wouldn't be seeking advice about it. If the other parents don't like your decision, who cares! You are responsible for your children and you cannot trust anyone these days, even other parents to watch your child. I am a SAHM of a 4 year old and 1 year old. I cannot imagine leaving them with someone I've only met once! Take charge and stand your ground! I think any parent would feel terrible if something happened to their child because of a poor decision on their part! Don't risk it! Your child will get over it! Suggest to the other parents a group play date with both sets of parents and the children.

I don't blame you for being wary. I also have a kindergartener (a boy) and I would never let him play at a friends house if I didn't know the parents.

What has worked best for us is suggesting fun things we can all go do together, like playing in our backyard, the playground, a park or Chuck E Cheese. That way the kids can kind of do their thing and play and it gives you a chance to get to know the other mother a little better. It also gives you the opportunity to see her at work as far as how she handles conflicts with her child, discipline, etc. Eventually, you may reach that point where you're comfortable enough with her (and her child) that you may decide they are okay to leave your child with for a while.

It okay too after these play dates to decide that its not a family you're comfortable leaving your child with--I've come across those too. In that situation we've managed to keep the friendship casual enough that meeting up at a park or something after school is enough to satisfy the children's need to socialize and play together, but its a situation I'm still in control of. If I feel the other child is getting too out of control or things are going badly--I can easily get us out of it.

I know this kind of stuff gets tricky because you don't want to feel like your child is missing out on opportunities because of your fears... However, I don't think you can be too protective when it comes to your child's safety and well-being. If you aren't comfortable with a situation find an alternative that you can live with.

Well, I have noticed this trend where I live, for kids to just go spend the night with people their parents have either never met, or barely. Never having seen my house, we have had at least 4 kids spend LOTS of time over at my house. It baffles me that other parents let their child spend the night (or days at a time) when they have barely met me, never met my husband, and don't know WHAT kind of environment we live in. Most of these kids, however, live in shabby surroundings, with what I consider questionable goins-on in their homes (usually unruly teenage stuff) that I am glad to get their kids out of it anyway. My kids have not spent the night with THEM though!

The only friend my daughter has spent the night with since we moved here 3 years ago, it did not end well. I went against my little voice and regret it. But I had met the parents several times at school, knew they had an infant son, and had seen their house - although small it was well maintained on the outside and not a bad neighborhood. But after spending the majority of the weekend with this child, we came to pick her up on Sunday morning for church. We had called an hour before and told my daughter's friend (who is 8 and answered the phone) that we were on the way and my child needed a shower and to be dressed to go. When we arrived, the mom was 'asleep' on the couch, the baby was crawling out the door when his sis answered, and the girls had fed themselves chicken soup (opened the can and microwaved it) for breakfast. They had also taken a bath - WITH the dog! - but then put sticky play makeup all over their faces. Turns out, even though they never indicated this at parent meetings, the parents are separated, and the only one watching these 3 kids was a woman who turns out to have an alcohol problem and was still hung over when we got there! My judgement was WAY off this one time, but I learned my lesson! Other people may entrust me with their kids, but the ones who do, I know that I wouldn't let my kids stay at their homes.

You will never regret being too careful, although others may say you are too overprotective. Kids will eventually recognize that as how much you love them, not a trust issue with them personally. My kids are 11, 9 and 8 now, and they are probably going to find me as a drag when they are teenagers, but oh well! As long as their friends can come with us and have fun, it shouldn't be an issue....

And like some of the other Mamas said, if people have a problem with you staying, they shouldn't be trusted. It may be that they are just embarassed their house isn't clean enough or big enough (even I don't want very many people seeing my messy house sometimes), but they can just accept that or arrange a public playdate!

God Bless,
A. V

I would suggest asking the Moms to meet you at a park or play area so the kids can play together. Another good location is a Chick Fil A which has an indoor play area. Then you are both more obligated to stay while they play. Perhaps you could have lunch with the girls afterwards. I am also weary of dropping my children off at other's homes that we do not know well.

My daughter is in kindergarten too....

More than the other mom's requesting this... my daughter requests this. However, she has been told unless Mommy is comfortable with the other parents, this will not happen.

The suggestion about the park is a good idea, or during cold weather, meet at an indoor bounce place. The kids can play and you can get to know the other mom/dad.

just let the moms know that you are not comfortable just leaving your daughter alone just yet. you would like to get to know them and their kids a little better 1st. if they seem upset about it, so be it. it's your child and you have to do what you think is best. maybe suggest meet and greet at your house. thatway you can get to know the parents and the kids.

R.,
I would simply ask the mother if she minds if you stay
and visit a while. That you find so much joy watching children playing. Surely you wouldn't be interupting her plans to clean out the garage or something like that as her plans are to supervise the kids anyway. And who knows...you might make a friend as well!

T.

www.livetotalwellness.com/T.
www.workathomeunited.com/T.

R.,
You might just have to be honest with them. I have a 6 1/2 year old, and a 4 1/2 year old, both girls, and I don't let them play at people's houses until I know the parents. A great way to get to know them is to meet for lunch with the other mom. Or invite them over for a lunch time playdate at your home, so you can get to know each other over lunch and coffee. If you are not a stay at home mom, this might be more difficult, but even then you can invite them to meet you at the park on a Saturday, or go bowling together if the weathers bad. Just a few ideas to get to know them. I don't think kindergarten is too young to play without you, but you are right to want to know the parents first. Good luck! And have fun getting to know people!
J.

R.,
Although you want your daughter to gain self-confidence and independence, it is essential that you are also absolutely sure that the homes that your daughter visits meet your standards.

Visit with your daughter. Get to know the families well before allowing her to visit solo. It is not your daughter's age that will determine when it is okay for these visits, it is the family where she visits.

Look into how the family handles disputes, older siblings, extended family who might be around when your daughter is visiting. Any time you feel uncomfortable, trust your gut!

You are dead on in my opinion!! My girls are 7 and 9 and they don't go anywhere without me unless I REALLY know who they are with. I don't care if it's a kids house down the street. Until I meet the parents and see the house and kids, NO! I'm not saying be paranoid about other parents, but that's your baby.

R.,

Here is how I look at this. I am responsible for these two little gifts that God gave me. I am very very protective of them. They do not go to anyone's house unless my husband or I stay unless it is a grandparent or someone I know VERY VERY WELL. I don't know who comes and goes at other people's house. I am not willing to find out. My mom thought that leaving me at the sitter's would be ok, it wasn't. Her son thought that i should pretend to be his girlfriend when I was 4 and 5 yo and he was 15/16. If people want to condemn me for being so protective, let them. They don't answer for me, I do. I know first hand that you can't trust people that seem obvious to be trusted. Go with your gut. The rule at my house is if a little friend comes over, they go home if I have to leave. They are never alone with my husband because we don't think its appropriate. We don't want to take any chances of being accused of anything.

R., I'm sorry but for me "Trust is a gift not a right". People who want my small child w/o knowing me??? What's up with that! I always have and always will sit down and meet someone get to know them, who they are before my child is in their home w/o me.
Are they hunters? So are their guns in the house? Are their older teens? (could be drugs and sex or random kids in and out who knows?) You won't know unless you get to know them.
It's not insulting if they are the kind of persons who care about their children too. It's your right to know. Step up and be uncomfortable for a moment, you'll be glad you did.
Trust me, I have more than a few friends with life time regrets over things that happened to their little ones because they didn't want to hurt feelings or ask the hard questions.

I hope this helps. :o)

www.momentsbypaula.com

iwouldwanttoknowthepeopleileavemychildwith.nomatterhowoldmychildis.

I don't know what age is appropriate for that, but I do know I would not let my Kindergarten girl be dropped off at a classmates house. I think I would want to go and get to know the parents and the surrondings first. Maybe even meet at a park and let them play together.

I know exactly how you feel. I am very picky when it comes to leaving my girls. I personally wouldn't leave them there if I wasn't completely comfy with the idea of not knowing the parents that well. I would try to get to know the parents a little better if you feel uncomfortable with this situation. Maybe invite the playdate moms to your house for a mom's lunch or tea party to get to know them better.....

There really isn't a set age playdates are expected to be solo. It really is at your discretion. My daughter, now 28, used to do solo beginning in first grade. Although I "dropped" her off, I would typically bring her to the door, introduce myself, tell her to have a good time and leave. I would come back earlier than expected to pick her up, mainly because, like any parent doing something for the first time, I was anxious. If you are uncomfortable with this, you may want to have your daughter invite a playmate to your house for a few hours one afternoon, first. Get to know the child/dren and their parents a bit.

When my children were that age, I would say to the mom, "He/she doesn't usually do well around new people, so I think I should stay for a while and make sure he/she is comfortable, is that okay?" Or some similar thing....

I usually stayed for the first play date with a new child, or at least for about 30 minutes or so. Keep these new play dates short at first and develop some kind of signal with your child that he/she can use to indicate if they want to stay and play or not. Some kids won't verbalize this, but have no problem if it is non-verbal.

Play dates, in my experience are sometimes solo by age 3 and often solo by age 4, depending on the comfort level and strength of friendship and personality of the child. But I don't think they should be longer than 2 hours at that age.
By kindergarten, my kids had solo play dates for sure.

I think what would work great, is if she could play while the mom's got to know one another better. I don't any mother would be offended by that. I am very protective of my children as well and just now got to where I'll let my 15yodd go over to someone's home that I don't know as well as I'd like. Before we were homeschooling and the kids they hung out with, we met with once a week for an education coop. I knew those children & their moms very well.

Since they've been in public school, I don't have that same opportunity, but with my 3rd grader, I will go with him & stay & visit with the mom till either I'm comfortable he's ok there, or it's time to go. And then I return the invite.

I think when she gets invited, if you are able, tell the mom that you would love to bring her over but that you would like to stay a while & have a cup of tea & get to know her better. That you aren't saying you don't trust them, but that you want to get to know the parents of your children's friends better. Like I said, I don't think many moms would be offended by that, and if they are, might be best to not go.

Good luck.

I have a kindergardener as well. Fortunately I know most of the parents - though not well. Take it easy and relax - this is the time that they are building memories. If you would rather, have kids over to your house to play until you are comfortable. Hilary loves to have friends over though she does not like cleaning up afterwards. we have a rule - help out at other's but here we do it all. Having a friend over is fun and going over to a friend's is fun. Relax... go for a walk or get some errands done. :0) (we also do sleepovers)
*** i think i am a pretty good judge of character... i would never send my daughter with someone that made me uneasy.

My youngest is also in kindergarten. I think a good way to handle the playdate situation would be to explain how you feel about leaving your daughterwith someone you don't know well. Then ask if it would be possible for you to stay and get to know the mom/dad while the kids play in the other room. You never know, you may end up with a new friend yourself. I'd want to get to know the parent(s) too before leaving my 5 year old to play so you're not alone. In terms of a specific age that playdates are expected to be solo....I think that really depends on the children involved.

Kindergarten is the age that this seems to start. They make friends with children in school whose parents you don't know. You don't want your child to be left out of the activities and you don't want them to become the child that is socially left out at school. But, you also do not want them to become a victim or be put in a situation where they are not safe.

The key is to figure out a way to get to know the parents so that you know which ones you feel comfortable allowing your child to visit without your supervision. All the suggestions you have been given about play dates are really good.

You can also plan "class activities." These are activities where you invite the class to participate--roller skating, ice skating, bowling, picnic at the park. Talk to the room mother about planning some activities for the class. Make it clear in the flyer you send out inviting everyone that parents are expected to stay at the event and supervise their children.

Birthday parties are another opportunity for class activities. Invite the class to your child's birthday party. Have the party at a public location such as a skating rink or park and invite the parents to stay. You can take the lead on this and many other parents will follow your lead by asking the other parents to stay and get to know each other.

I gave my daughter instructions every time I left her with a new friend and the friend's family. I explained "good touch" and "bad touch." I told her that she could call me at any time she felt uncomfortable and I would drop everything and come and get her. I gave her permission to end the play date or the slumber party early with no explanation to me if she didn't want to tell me.

I used this same thing when my children became teenagers. If there is anything going on that makes you feel uncomfortable you can call me and I will come get you wherever you are, with no questions asked. If you want to tell me I will listen, but there is no pressure to explain to me why I need to come get you. Teenagers don't like to get their friends "in trouble." So they won't ask you to come get them if they get the third degree when they get in the car.

Teach your child to trust their own gut instincts in situations and make sure they know that mom and dad will always come and get them.

Playdates can be solo or not. It's all up to you and what feels comfortable, not any "rule book". By all means, be up front with the moms, and say something like "sure, I'd like to get to know you too, if I could..." Most moms feel the same way, and even if they don't, certainly would understand.

I would often go over and maybe stay for about a 1/2 hour, have tea and chit chat, and then come back at the designated time, but ONLY if that "felt" right. Do what your gut tells you!

An example of good intentions gone bad: here in this area, my 11 yr old daughter was invited to a Halloween B-day party of a wealthy and upstanding family. What could possibly go wrong? Unfortunately, the mom (who I had never met), was a bit of a ditz, and gave all the girls giant pumpkins to carve with giant SHARP knives, as well, AND no assistance nor instructions. WHO DOES THAT? Needless to say, one of the girls cut her finger half off, had to be rushed to the hospital, and had to have one other surgery, as well, to repair the damage. If I were that parent, I would be FURIOUS. Dumbness is no excuse.

Another time, a mom picked up her daughter early at the local swimming pool, only to leave my daughter stranded there alone. Of course she called me and I went to get her early, but -- not even a phone call with a "heads up" fm the mom? PLEASE.

So, you see, it pays to know your parents well, in this world of highly neurotic and foolish people.

Best,
C., RN

My daughter is also in kindergarten, she is 6. We do drop off playdates now. At the 1st of the year we would do playdates that both sets of parents would be there somewhere like chick fil a that way we would get to know each other. And by no means do you have to drop your child off and leave. I would say to the other parents that your just not ready for this step and your going to stay incase your daughter needs you for something. If they have an issue with that then I wouldn't feel right leaving my child. Also getting to know the other parents is a great way to make friends for yourself.

Maybe you could suggest meeting someplace like a park where the kids can play and you can get to know each other better. You could also invite the mom and child to your house and make sure the mom knows you want her to stay too. Good luck.

I totally know how you feel. Mommies always think I'm crazy for not leaving my child with a babysitter or another mommie that I really don't know. No your not wrong, you can't be too carful this day and age.
Good Luck
G. Mommie of almost 3 year old daughter.