I have twins in kindergarten. They have a friend who they like. She has been to our house~her mom just dropped her off. I invited her in and told her she and her young child were welcome to stay. The little girl is sweet and the mom seems kind BUT I do not want my kids to go to their house. They live in a "not so safe " part of town and there is a "boyfriend " that lives there and there is nowhere to play outside. I KNOW I am not letting them go but not sure how to not hurt her feelings as I said she seems nice. I DO let my kids go to our neighbor~who I know and trust and I let them go to their "coaches" house without me Anyone have any ideas how I can say no without making enemies?Thanks
First ~Thanks for the park idea that is great and I will try it ! One of the reasons I invited her in when her child came was b/c she didn't know me or MY boyfriend~ no I am not married.I wanted to make HER feel comfortable too also I felt that it may allow me time to know her as our children are bused to school, so we just met .As far as the "coach" We met as families a few times at each others houses,sports and school events so I felt comfortable leaving them go there I was just trying to say I wasn't ultra overprotective. Finally, she was the one who mentioned that her child wasn't allowed outside at her complex b/c she didn't like the area either. I am not judging just trying to keep my kids safe.
We always do play dates in neutral places and each mom is responsible for her child. I do not take on someone else's child nor do I expect them to take care of mine. It does take a village but it's not a village if everyone takes off and leaves one villager to mind them all.
There are some things you just don't say. Make it so that the time is inconvenient, so you always have an excuse if she invites her. Call another time and ask for her to come to your house. I believe with all my heart that you should just punt the issue everytime. It is not fair to her to have to hear your reason for not allowing your daughter over there, it just isn't. (That doesn't mean you aren't justified in your decision. Just don't burden her with your justification.)
Dawn
Park playdates work well in that situation.
I agree with Dawn; there will be NO friendly way of telling that mother what you told us. Do be sure to include the the child and mom for any group events you may have and stick to your convictions if you feel it's not a great idea for a playdate at their home. As long as you continue to include her kids, she really can't get upset about it.
I was on the other end... Student housing when all my sons friends were children of dual income 40 something's with great houses and yards.
I felt HORRIFICALLY guilty about not being able to reciprocate with our teensy tiny apt. Thank goodness for parks!!!
Most people got we were just young(ish... 20 years younger creates a bit of an 'accumulation divide') and poor, and we're more than happy to host or meet up at parks, zoos, aquariums, etc.
I'v e managed to use the line ' i'm just an overprotective mother, i know it's silly but i have some anxiety issues, are you ok just having so and so play here?
Honestly, because of the twin situation, she might not want to reciprocate, because having 2 over as opposed to 1 can be a bit harder.
My advice would be to be busy or redirect her back to your house, then if that doesn't work, try blaming it on you.
I wouldn't be happy sending my kid somehwere i didn't feel was safe either.
Wow! So she doesn't live in what you consider a "safe" neighborhood, and you're concerned that there is no place for them to play outside?
I would let my child go on the condition that they play INSIDE since I am not comfortable with the neighborhood.
And the boyfriend - what does that have to do with anything? Do you automatically distrust a boyfriend? Wasn't your husband your boyfriend before you married him?
But you trust the coach. Don't you recall the big to-do about the couch who molested those boys in college just recently? Just because he/she is a coach doesn't make them any different or any better or any more trustworthy than anyone else.
I would be honest, but then again my honesty would be they can come, but only if they play indoors because I am just not comfortable with your neighborhood as opposed to your honesty which is they can't come because I don't like your neighborhood, they can't go outside and I don't trust your boyfriend even though I don't know him. Hmmmmm.....
Wow that seems kind of judgemental.
If it's a "not so safe" part of town I would think you'd be glad they would be playing inside.
And there are plenty of husbands who could be a whole lot worse than this boyfriend you mention. Have you even met the guy?
Why don't you just say "I really don't like to send my kids to someone's house until I get to know them first, would you mind if I hung out and talked for a bit before I drop them off?" This is assuming she's even invited your kids over, has she?
Personally, I'd be more leery of my kid's spending time alone at a coach's house, or a priest's house, if you know what I mean, and yet you seem fine with that :(
I would invite them to your house or suggest somewhere in the middle.
I have a similar issue and also have not found a polite way to handle it. So far I have had all play dates with that family at an off-site location, but it is kind of an ackward situation.
I, too, have twins in kindergarten... I don't consider myself "ultra-conservative" but I would not let my little ones go to a stranger's house to play. Despite being in the same school, any family we don't already know are strangers after all... I don't think that should make anyone else feel guilty, but it's hard to predict how someone might react. Just tell her that you want to meet somewhere else or explain that you will stay during the play date (if you're not OK with that option, then perhaps you're not being honest about why you don't want to visit this family's home). I doubt she'd question that, particularly since you're bringing "double trouble" along ;)
I agree that you should not tell her your specific reasons. They really don't matter. I would just say you and the kids prefer playmates at your house, no need to explain further. They are your kids and you make the decisions.
