Passive Agreesive Family Member

Try just accepting them as they are. They aren't like you and that's OK. If you can't just accept them then stop trying so hard. This post sounds like you'd like to understand them which isn't possible since they are so different. Enjoy their company when they're around and stop expecting them to come thru in the same ways you do.

I suggest you're trying to hard to be friends and want them to be friends in the same way you're friends with other people. that's just not them.

Just be polite, don't read into the behaviors or use much energy on this person, not worth it.

That isn't passive aggressive. If I had to put my finger on it from your description they sound shy. Not everyone enjoys socializing, not everyone enjoys socializing with everyone. They seem to have people there are comfortable with and some they are not.

Just because someone isn't like you doesn't make them passive aggressive or have any other personality disorder. :(

After looking at some of the answers I am so happy I am not an introvert! "bitchy and selfish"? Yeah I think I would be insulted. :(

They may only be mildly social and really not comfortable socially on a PERSONAL level. If they had to do this stuff for business, when it wasn't part of their natural personality, they may be relieved and really need to not do it in their personal life. If they're not super close (even if it's family, that doesn't mean close), then just step back and let things go naturally. Just have a cordial relationship and don't take it personally. Some people are socially awkward and it's just hard to explain.

That behavior does not come across as passive aggressive to me.

It sounds to me like you are tying too hard to be friends. Maybe they are not as social as you are, etc. Stop trying to hard.

When you are at family events, be yourself, nice and respectful. If they come around genuinely, great... if not, it's no skin off your back. Just move on.

Best wishes.

The phrase "you don't get to choose your family" comes to mind.
I am not in any way suggesting that you and your husband/kids are doing anything unkind or whatever. Only that just because people are born into the same family, doesn't automatically make them alike/friends.
I think MOST of us have family members that we are more or less comfortable around. To be more specific, some family members we really like and would hang out with even if we weren't family. Others, we would probably NOT choose to spend time with, if not for the fact that they were family. That fact by itself does not mean anyone is doing anything "wrong". Only that different people are, well, different.

Try not to take it personally, and just accept that they are a little less social.
You didn't come right out and say so, but saying that "...we always come to events we are invited to and talk to everyone and have fun..." sounds to my ears as if you are very outgoing people. (That's not a bad thing.) But not everyone is. And for some people who aren't, it can be a bit "much" sometimes. Does that make sense?
Like you think they are too quiet and tense. Perhaps they think you are too loud and boisterous. Neither is "wrong". Just different tastes.

ETA (after your Edit): Following my "theory"... perhaps inviting you to the party took some of the stress of 'keeping things upbeat and interesting' off of your family member/host. Win -win. They can host their work-related party (possibly an obligation they didn't enjoy) and you get to "do your thing", being outgoing and friendly.
Just a different way of looking at it...

Hi GardenGirl,

I would only add a couple of things to the other advice you have already received. Spend less time on her and her behaviors as they are unlikely to change, and plug IN to your kids more where you CAN make a difference in the way they treat others.

Lastly, it may just be that you are better Facebook Freinds than actual freinds, and that's ok. Especially if she is kind on Facebook. She doesn't have to respond, but chooses to do so kindly. Take what you can get from her that is positive,a nd leave the rest behind.

I would not consider her or her opinion when deciding whether to attend or not attend a get together. It is what it is and you will deal with it as the moment arises. Life is too short to spend much time on her. You will likley never know if she has her underware in a bunch or has real resentment over something never mentioned.

Peace,
T.

My husband's relatives have described me in this way. I have been told that in not making my rounds in the party conversations and dancing with everyone else, I am looking down on them. My reason--I am more reserved and a little awkward socially. I am not comfortable dancing in small groups, and small talk is very difficult for me. I go around and speak to everyone upon my arrival, and then I find a seat where I can enjoy everyone else enjoying the party. I smile and truly enjoy myself. I make it a point to show up, but I have been accused of only coming to please my husband and show off my good looks. When I can't show up, I feel an obligation to explain why, but I get accused of thinking that my life is way more important. I have not shown up to an evening birthday party because I was tired, and I felt terrible giving that reason. What was behind my tiredness was the fact that I was a newlywed second wife dealing with that adjustment and the in-home caregiver for my terminally ill relative. A few months after her death (which was absolutely devastating to me), I could add to my list a move to the outskirts of town which significantly affected my commute to ANYWHERE. When I did show up, sometimes it was just to have something else to do. I used it as an excuse to wear make-up and high heels, and they accused me of dressing up to show that I was too good for them. (I wasn't in a prom dress, just jeans and heels and make-up.)

These few years later, you know who I have relationships with? The ones who just accepted me for me and didn't criticize me for not being like them. The ones who sat next to me and talked to me and listened, getting to know who I am. Today, we make plans to spend time together.

Maybe you turned this person off or offended her in some way, and her response was just to back off instead of confront you. Maybe you're just not her cup of tea, and she recognizes that it's okay not to feel obligated to show up for you. Maybe she comes from a different family dynamic and doesn't place value where you place value. My SIL and I do not get along. She doesn't understand how I can not push our children together. Well, my son has my family to spend time with. Also, there are issues with my stepsons that concern me, so I she and her issues are not even on my radar. I am focused on what is happening in my home and my life and not on how to relate with someone I don't have to relate with. I used to get really hurt when my husband's relatives wouldn't RSVP. They would view invitations and just either show up or not, giving no indication of whether they'd even received it if they chose not to attend. I always made sure to respond to their invitations, even to decline, and they kinda brushed it off because that's no big deal to them. (Of course, that made me look like an uppity social butterfly, because I always RSVP.)

Anyway, my point is that this sounds like it's just a personality difference. Those are okay. Don't hold it against her that she doesn't respond in the way that you think that you would in her shoes. She is busy living her life. Next time you see her, if you are sincerely interested, go and ask her how she's doing, and then open the door to really listen.

Wouldn't it just be easier if you would just stop liking THEM? They play hard to get. They don't think twice about you. Heck, they don't even think ONCE about you. You aren't on their radar at all.

Forget about trying to be friends with them. They aren't worth the trouble.

Dawn

honestly if this were just a neighbor or some one a little removed from your social circle I think I would respond differently, but this is a FAMILY MEMBER. that tells me something is going on.

If this is a sibling of you or your husband then one of you should know this persons personalilty better than what is coming across in your post. If its a cousin that grew up with you -again you should know them or your hubby should. If you or them are the married into party then either your hubby or his/her spouse should be able to give you a clue.

Honestly from what your wrote, it sounds like they maybe like one of you but not the other ( ie maybe either you or your hubby rubs them a little wrong) Or they disagree with how you raise your children but still like you as a person.

Or maybe something is going on behind closed doors and they are ashamed/whathaveyou.

I think continuing to be friendly and lowering your expectations would be the best plan.

Like someone else said, probably neither one of you is "wrong" you are just different people.

Who knows with people like this -- who cares.

It's really not worth the effort or energy. I know it seems like it now in your life, but in time it won't mean a thing. Don't let yourself feel hurt by these people. Do not let them define you.

This person is probably full of themselves so much so that they can't see anything else. Of course they're nice on fb, they want to look the part they think they're playing. It wouldn't matter what kind of person you are or what you have (short of winning the lottery) this person would treat you the same way because she/he thinks they're better. Which so often hides deep insecurities.

For all you know they could be on dope and/or live a miserable life. They sound shallow at best.

Just ignore it. Don't give it energy. Just be yourself. Put them in God's Hands and don't give it another thought.

I have a sister in law just like this, and for a fact she has a mental disorder. One minute she likes you, next minute she doesn't. It's insanely frustrating.
So, this could be a mental thing with your family member or it could just be that he/she likes to play the control card. Don't let it get you down. Enjoy the times you do share and move on.

Well look, I think this person is just sort of bitchy and selfish. This person sounds exactly like my SIL and that's sort of how I view her. Maybe I'm being judgmental and harsh, but honestly, I don't really see any other way about it. They do their own thing without regard to their family or anyone else. It's just not the way you are, but it's the way a lot of other people are, so although it hurts your feelings, which I totally get b/c I'm the same way, this person isn't going to change as much as you wish they would and as much as you are totally opposite. I would try not to take it personally, but again, I know I would too (and have), but it's not really personal against you as much as it is against anyone whom gets in this person's way of relaxing, doing their own thing, putting their husband/kids/own family first, whatever the case is. Hang in there and just keep doing what you think is right.

I haven't read all the other responses, so forgive me if this is redundant, but my first impression was that this person sounds like they might be dealing with depression or something similar. Their standoffishness may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Just keep being your sweet self, maybe invite their kids over to your place more often, and don't take it personally.