15 answers

Partner of a Asperger Male

Hi,
I'm in a long term relationship with a asperger male. Is anyone in my situation? I need to talk to someone who understands. Life is hard right now. I have a part time job and I'm a full time student with no emotional support and struggling to raise my 15 year old son .

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I appreciate everyone's responses however , I was looking for someone in my situation or familiar with asperger( the ones who responded thank you ) I cannot handle the harsh criticism or recommendations of leaving him . Just moral support . Living with a Asperger male is like a roller coaster they are really fun and happy for awhile and just when you think the ride is over they take a spin for the worse. It's very easy to fall in love with them and very hard to leave .

Featured Answers

I have a 7 year old son who is an Aspie and my husband has strong tendencies in that direction. I would be more than happy to talk to you about things that I have found that work and don't work, the joys and trials of that life. It's not so different than any other relationship. We all have quircks and disabilities in one area or another.

More Answers

Hi,
I am married to a great man with some asperger tendencys, never diagnosed. Something like an artistic/shy woman meets great successful technical guy in their 20s meet and marry and have to really work on a marriage but have coped for 21 years and learned to live with each other and communicate better for doing it. We have always shared a strong faith in Jesus and that is our anchor, we never talk divorce because we two are one and we sometimes just have to disagree or work to make the other see our point or yes, ignore A LOT! A long term marriage is so worth the effort. We have 2 sons and I have worked to make them more socially aware and I think I have done a pretty good job. They know dad's tendencies and deal with it too. It won't be thieir life when they grow up but if they have a kid with these tendencies they will be as faithful and patient with that child as I am toward their dad!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband has not been officially diagnosed, but I have little doubt that he is Asperger's - his social interactions have always been awkward and he has zero concept of empathy towards anyone in his family. Unless your partner is willing to go to therapy (and he'll need several kinds - one for himself and at least one with both of you), I honestly don't think things will ever get any easier for you. I put up with the situation for over 20 years and it wasn't until I got very ill and he exhibited no sympathy, provided no emotional support nor did he try to understand what was going on that he just wasn't capable of providing any of the emotional support that I needed (in life really). I suggested counseling and his response was that the problem was all my "attitude". I do accept responsibility that I wasn't always the most positive person to be around, but I worked very, very hard on the marriage for 20+ years, giving in in alot of situations to keep peace and never receiving any emotional support. In the end, I realized it just wasn't worth it and my husband honestly couldn't help being the way he was, because he really has no sense of self realization - i.e., he just can't grok what he is doing wrong.

So, we are now separated and I feel better both physically and mentally than I have in my whole life (my family growing up wasn't supportive either, thus it took me quite sometime to realize my relationship with my husband just wasn't right). You have enough on your hands with your 15 year old son (I have both 15 year old and 13 year old sons) and if your partner isn't willing to work on improving the situation, your life will continue to be as it is - this isn't something you can change and just accepting it as it is likely will have negative impacts on you as long as you remain in the same situation. My view is that you have your whole life ahead of you and you really need to decide if you can spend it with someone like your partner - think what things would be like when you're older or do have any health issues - since he's not really there for you now, can you really expect him to be there later for even more intense and emotionally demanding life situations?

I should also note that I deal with an almost 16 yr old Aspie and that experience as a mother is entirely different than dealing with the situation with a spouse who is unwilling to work on solving the problem. IMHO, that's an untenable situation and unless your spouse acknowledges the problem and gets counseling and is willing to change his interactions with you, then there's nothing you personally can do to improve the relationship.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
I wish you luck.
I would think that since you are not married to this person and it seems that you have given the relationship a lot of
work, your priority and focus should shift to your 15 yr old son. Your son really needs you and he only has one mother. This partner is an adult and can care for himself on a level that you minor son can not. Focus on motherhood and your son- then the right relationship will come along when it is the right time.

1 mom found this helpful

There are some yahoo support groups for Aspies. I think you could find someone in your situation on one of them.

1 mom found this helpful

Try this---Google 'asperger male'--when you do--a list comes up and one is "a letter from an adult male with asperger syndrone"--read it---it may help you to understand!

I never heard of this before your request--so I looked it up and found the above!

1 mom found this helpful

I have an AS son. If you find some good resources, please let me know. Lord, knows it can be hard for me as a mom. So having an AS for a partner, I am sure can take a toll. I've just prayed, tried to learn all I can about AS and work with my sons counselor. best of luck to you

Brandi's advice was not bad. I agree with her. If the relationship is keeping you from feeling successful as a mother and student, God maybe telling you that the relationship is not right for you at this time. Whether he has AS or not, this is a decision people are faced with everyday. J., you do what you feel is right. I'm sorry that I don't have any great advice from the AS perspective, but maybe some counseling would help.

It's good you are reaching out. I can feel your pain - been there, and some days I'm still there, but it can get better.
I'm married to an Aspie who I've known since we were six years old. At 55 I'm still madly in love with him and wouldn't trade him or our life together for anything. Our 5 adult children are not perfect but they are full of love, wonder, each with an awesome sense of humor.
I am a therapist, pastoral counselor and he is a mechanic and farmer.
For me, my man may be "different", but it makes him so wonderful, how can that be a bad thing? Adapt, study, grow, mature, take care of yourself, and you will make a rich life for you and your family.

J.,
I have a 17 year old son with Asperger's.... Aspie's are like any other mate. They can suck and they can be great. No, they are not going to have the same awareness of emotional needs that non-Aspies might. Some non-Aspie males are totally emotionally unaware and they don't have an excuse.

My son is very sweet and kind and funny. But he has to try to reach out to others... it's very easy for him to be wrapped up only in himself. And he has to make himself do these things... for him it is very much like learning Algebra. So your mate can do the same. His desire to make things work or not should be your clue.

The other poster has had a hard time. It's hard to say what part is Aspie and what part isn't, but I'm telling you I've read blogs and articles of people who are Aspie's and they can and do have successful, happy relationships.

Just be logical with him. Tell him if he likes having you around then he needs to 1. go to counselling and 2. do the homework from the counsellor at home too.

It may seem unromantic to tell him that he must ask you four times a week to sit down and ask you about your day, your feelings etc and spend at least 30 minutes "listening" to you. But if he agrees and does it, I can't think of anything MORE romantic and fulfilling. To know that someone would go to that effort for you, when it is very hard for them to do because they care about you would be so sexy.

Again, he's like any other guy in many respects. He may be a jerk or not. He may be your soulmate or not.

I don't know if she takes Aspie adult counselling but Dr. Denise Wooten in Lewisville works with many Aspies and she's wonderful. You might give her a call and if she can't help you, I'm sure she could refer you to someone that could.

972/436-6158

Tell her T. from Flower Mound referred you.... she gets really busy and sometimes she's not taking new patients but if you drop my name, it might help.

Good luck to you!

Brandi's advice was not terrible, and I can't figure out why Michelle came down so hard on her. Anyway, I think you should consider what Brandi had to say. I have an AS stepson, and it is SO difficult at times. You have a short time to focus on your child, and perhaps you DO need to step away from this relationship. I'm not saying you have to, but stop and weigh the pros and cons of staying in such a difficult situation. Your partner is a full-grown man, but your son is not and he needs you more. I wish I could give you advice on how to work through it, but I can't. I can only say that when you make the best decision you can for you and your son, do not allow yourself to feel guilt. It will all work out.

Take care.

HI J., sounds like your plate is very full working and going to school on top of being a mom of a 15 year old boy. Your son should be your priority right now, in 3 years he'll be off to college. You need support not extra work, regardless of your boyfriend's condition or not, sounds like this relationship is just piling on more demands on you and your schedule. When you have too many balls in the air some are going to drop, don't let it be your son. I really think you should cool it off with the non-helping non-supporting partner, and focus on your son and your mental, emotional, and physical well being. There will still be a long time left for you to explore relationships later. Best wishes and God bless!

My friend's daughter married a guy with Aspbergers (sp?). Would you like to get in contact with her? Why would you get into that kind of relationship since you have a 15 year old that needs your attention right now? From what I hear the Asberger thing is not a good example for your son to learn from.
M. alice

Hi J.,

I provide yoga therapy to people with special needs. I usually work with children, but also work with adults at The ARC of Greater Tarrant County.
If you are interested in what yoga therapy involves, please see my website at http://yogapotential.com/.

Peace and Joy,
M.

I have a 7 year old son who is an Aspie and my husband has strong tendencies in that direction. I would be more than happy to talk to you about things that I have found that work and don't work, the joys and trials of that life. It's not so different than any other relationship. We all have quircks and disabilities in one area or another.

asperger-------alcohol related?? right- at grapevine library-have virus on computer
single mom-just put son in1st gr..oh wait i was thinking warposi--oh well-i goto aa.but i am losing it-------new school-new everything...and poof--clients gone........just hang in library minutes going out!!!

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