Parenting - Rancho Cucamonga,CA

"The chances are that a happy, well adjusted Mom will be raising a happy, well adjusted child. If that Mom is working at a job and being a Mom, or working at home and being a Mom does not much matter, as long as she feels fulfilled and that she is doing the right thing for her family in their specific situation."

this is what my Mom told me when I pondered going back to work because of a super opportunity that presented itself a bit earlier than I had been planning for.

she was right. I believe that there is no "right or wrong", and no "better or worse". Just different.

i agree with the others that this is a super emotional topic. but one word of caution (that the others have said) is be very careful. if i were sitting in your audience and you pulled out studies and info about the "damage" i am doing to my child by being a full time working mom, i might just get up and slap you. (not that you would do that). but you know what I mean? i have to work full time to help support my family. i don't have a "choice" to work part time or stay home (which i would choose to work part time if i could). so if someone (and this has already happened to me) actually shows me info about how this is hurting my family, now you've just make a difficult situation into a very personal and way more difficult situation. and, if that info comes from someone who has a "choice" to work or stay home it make the info even more difficult to swallow. does this make sense? good luck!

This is a very loaded topic (emotionally) for parents, so I would be very careful trying to give answers to the questions you're posing. When you're preparing your talk, think about some of these issues: What is the basis for the answers your giving in research? Don't just give logical arguments - they don't always stand up when people examine them in outcome studies! How was the research conducted, and by whom? What were their qualifications? Be smart! Don't just assume that because they're saying what you'd like to hear that they have strong evidence to support their argument.

Also, remember that unfortunately, with an issue like this, no matter what you say, someone's feelings may be badly hurt. Many people have to go to work to support their family. They still love their children just as much as someone who chooses to stay home. Someone who stays home may not be able to afford to put their child in daycare and provide the psychosocial benefits of that.

this is always such a HOT issue!! I've done both. I believe that each individual should do what works for their family. In MY case these are the pro's and con's of each:
Stay at home pro's:
avoiding the day care ick
being present for my son,
no worries about the caregivers,
not having to call in because my son was sick or had a doc appt.
con's:
it's hard to be at work 24 hrs a day with no breaks
I'm not very good at it
my depression isn't good for my son...he should have an enthusiastic care giver
feeling tethered to my house
Working mom pro's:
more money coming in to the family bank account
feeling accomplished and respected (kids never say way to go for changing a diaper)
if you send your child to an awesome preschool they develop social skills with piers not their nagging mommy
con's:
missing the baby!!
taking the chance that you won't see that first step or hear the first word
sharing the bond with someone else and maybe being in 2nd place!

I had a really hard time staying home so I went back to work. We had a nanny who I've known for many years and trusted absolutely. When we moved to Las Vegas I went back to staying home. I interviewed LOTS of nannies and went to every child care center in the city!! I just couldn't send my son somewhere that smells like dirty bleach water and veg-all!! I wouldn't eat that junk!! We finally found Spring Valley Montessori and it all came together. They are SO awesome. My son feels important. He talks about his teachers and other classmates and has a wonderful place to explore learning without the rigidity of a traditional preschool. After a month we saw such a difference in what he was learning. He was picking up so much because he was in a fun environment. Some moms (me) just aren't any good at playing with their kids all day long to teach them these things. Some mom's are REALLY good at it. I think it's a family decision. Who ever cares for your kids should feel like your family and love your little ones as much as you do. My son definitely would rather go to school than play with me all day. I think it's a awful that so many moms feel guilty because they would rather work than stay home. I'd rather work because I'm good at work but not good at being a stay at home mom. My husband thinks it's laziness or that I don't like being a mom. He is SO WRONG!! The irony is that his X wife stayed at home and he thought she was lazy and should have 'gotten off her butt' to do something. My son loves to go to school and runs into my arms when I pick him up. My relationship with him improved so much because I felt good about myself.

Age old question. Wish we could just be "moms" and forget about the at home or working thing. I'm an 'at home' but I respect and admire those who work for whatever reason. I think as moms we do the best we can with what we've got and pray for the rest.

Good luck in your talk!

I agree with the person who said that this is an emotionally charged topic and to be careful with how you address it. To me, you can't really compare outcomes of kids who are raised in either environment. There are people who grow up in troubled families, either of stay at home or working parents. Many kids will grow up as children of divorce or have problems with substances, be incarcerated or make poor choices at some point. I think maybe you should focus your talk instead on the decision to become a parent and how positive it is to be a parent, either working or stay at home. That way you are not giving your opinion one way or another.

Turning out better socially, emotionally, and spiritually has nothing to do with whether or not the Mom stays at home.

It has more to do with the Joy, Love and Support in the household. If a Mom stays at home, but longs for her chosen career because it was her passion, the kids will suffer. She is not living her truth.

And visa versa, if a Mom works but is not emotionally at work because all she ever wanted to do is be a housewife, then she is not happy and it shows up at home.

You can work or not, but if your home is a loving place for the child to express himself, to make mistakes, to grow into who he or she really is. If the parents are the example of joy and love then the child will seek this as their life and all will be well. How can they not turn out better socially, emotionally, and spiritually? How can they not be the light wherever they go?

Me: Single Working Mom of the happiest 5 year old I know. He is a social magnet, he is very smart, he is very secure and assured of his right to be happy. He is and is becoming a spiritual powerhouse in his knowledge of who he is in God. I choose to let him be who he came here to be, to let him figure out his passions in this life.

There is neat book out called Home Alone. sorry I have forgotten the author's name. It goes through some pretty inconvenient facts and observations about the effects on kids of our "work (and shop) till you drop" culture.
I also recommend Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers. Dynamics of attachment are gone over in depth...but not in a dry way.
I think the big factor is the dedication of the parent to maintaining emotional connection with their kids, if they work or not.
Also, I would say younger kids risk a worse outcome than older ones if mom works full-time. They really need lots of one-on-one interaction with familiar adults in order to have a lower stress level and learn.

Just to give you a guy (Dad's) perspective:

I am in most agreement with Anna, Libby, and especially, Elizabeth.

Bottom line - the more a young child has direct interaction with his/her Mom, the better.

I think our culture has forced some bad priorities, namely, the pursuit of materialism and career "success" over family.

Sounds like you are going to start a debate, not just give a talk =-)
I’m a SAHM. In my humble opinion and what I’ve seen, whether you’re a working Mom or SAHM, if you EVERYDAY value & cherish your children, show them respect & kindness, teach them & guide them, correct their wrongs, educate & nurture, smile often, laugh always, make time for them, ensure they are safe no matter where they are, and most of all HUG them and KISS them EVERYDAY, your children will be well adjusted, successful, happy, healthy, socially capable and respectful of all people around them. We as parents need to keep in mind that we are raising adults, not children.

I don't think you will find any hard evidence out there that either situation will have a better turn-out. There are troubled families no matter what, bad parents no matter what. And plenty of wonderful loving, well-functioning families with well-adjusted kids in both scenarios.
Good luck with this talk, it is a huge can of worms and is really hard to separate "opinion" from "fact".

I really don't think it makes a difference either way, as long as the home is a happy place to be (no matter how much time the child spends there during the day), and if there is another caretaker, that that place is also a happy place to be and the caretakers are also bonded with the children. I personally think the more people who can be loving caring adults in a baby/child/teens life the better- parents, grandparents, nannies, babysitters whatever. But I'm also not saying that those kids necessarily have an advantage over a kid who stays home with just his mom all day.

I'm a full time working mom, with reasonable hours and summers and holidays off. It's funny because when I day dream about being a SAHM (or experience a week or so of it like the recent week off I had for Thanksgiving), I find myself only noticing the benefits it would have to MYSELF, not my kid. For example, how great it is to get some errands done, sleep in later, not have to do makeup or get dressed right away in the morning, bake something, do a project, get the house clean, organize a closet, go on a lunch date with a friend... And I do enjoy having some extra time with my daughter but again that's a personal benefit to me. I guess I am fully confident that my daughter is getting a quality upbringing no matter what, so it never enters my mind that her life would be better by having me around 24/7. When I am at work, she is with another family member and having a perfectly fine time playing, growing, developing, and bonding with that person. I'm ok with that. She seems quite well adjusted spiritually, emotionally and socially so far.

I'm really interested to see how you will stretch this into a presentation and where you go with it. Please update.

Since you said you're speaking for MOMS Club, just keep in mind that most (if not all) the members are stay at home moms. i belong to a MOMS Club and i can tell you we are all very proud of the decision we've made to stay at home with our children, and each of us have our own reasons. we take our jobs as parents very seriously and appreciate support. we don't need someone telling us our kids are better off or worse off because of our choice. just remember who your audience is.

I just wanted to say that I agree with VS and Anna.

L., A positive for being at home with the kids is that you are there for them to do homework and after school. I am involved with their scout troops and can attend most meetings and sports activites. The negative is that we don't have the extra money to do fun things like go to Sea World or Disneyland. I am home with them so we spend lots of time together playing games and talking. Also I am there to make sure the friends that come over a good influences and can "control" what is on the TV and radio. Good luck with your talk.

Are you asking what is better for the KIDS or for the MOM?

I work PT so my daughters go to MIL's house 3 days a week. It's hard for me as mom when I miss seeing milestones/1st's. But on the other hand, I easily go insane dealing with them all day on my days off. I have to have structured activities/outings every day or I can't handle it. Therefore, I am thankful that I have a PT job for both me and my kid's sanity. I am also lucky that I have family who can watch them. They get a consistent, loving provider. They are not exposed to germs at a daycare, but also do not get the social interaction.

I think in the big picture, kids who are less socially adept at age 0-4 will adjust once they begin preschool or social activities like gymnastics or dance.

Spirituality has nothing to do with how much the parents work.

I do know a woman who works FT and spoils the kid at night...I think as compensation she doesn't want to say no or be mean when she only gets to play with her kid 2 hours before bedtime...this can be a huge drawback for both the child (who is learning to manipulate adults) and for mommy (who accepts-and suffers through poor behavior in lieu of discipline).