Only Child - Albuquerque,NM

M.,

I am in the same boat as you on whether to have a second child. I have a VERY active 5 year old and I work fulltime and go to school fulltime. Therefore the idea "stresses me out" a little yet I dont want my son to be an only child.

Just as confused,
C. B

This is funny because I went through this when I found out I was pregnant with my second. I was actually beyond upset because My first born was all I wanted. In my mind my family was perfect the way it was and there was no way I could love another one as much as my only child, not to mention she was such a good child and I didn't want to have an opposite. I just wasn't as excited for this one or anything... then the ultrasound time came and she was completely opposite. I got excited but still worried. When she was born it was amazing, I felt what I hadn't felt before, I loved her just as much and it did so much for my first born too. They are best friends and my family is more colorful and I love it. I couldn't imagine the family without my second child.

You're right...you need to do what feels right to you. A close friend of mine went through something similar and her first pregnancy was ROUGH to boot, so the thought of number two was a bit unsettling for her. Have you considered adoption? Thats what my girlfriend did. She adopted a baby boy from Guatamala and she said it was the best decision she ever made. He was an infant, but not newborn which made her life a little easier (her child at home was three at the time). She also found it very emotionally rewarding, giving a child a loving home that he so desperately needed. Something to think about. But all in all do what seems right for you, whatever that may be.

Hi M.!! I wasn't going to respond to your post, because I figured you were already getting plenty of advice, but then I read through all of the posts and realised something...every one of them stated negatives about only children!! It's as if all of these parents think that only children are freakish and unnatural. Then I noticed something...not one of them was an only child...go figure!! Well, here's my two cents on being an only (freakish as that may be) and having an only (again..freakish, I know!!).

I had a wonderful childhood. I was extremely loved and I can only recall yearning for a sibling for a very short period. I got over that when I spent lots of time with my best friend and her very annoying younger sister. I was blessed with having close cousins (many of whom were only children as well) and we were able to play together and then go home! I don't feel as if I grew up too quickly...I never had to compete for my parents attention...I didn't have to worry about who they loved more...ever! I do feel that being an only made me more creative and in touch with myself. I have never been afraid of spending time by myself, and I am very in tune with nature, my surroundings, animals and, yes...other people. Being an only does not make you anti-social!

My daughter is an only. She is 14 months old is very social and well adjusted. When she interacts with others, she shares just as well as any other 14 month old (i.e. not very well). The only difference I can see is that she is not aggressive towards other children, whereas it seems as though every child we know that has siblings is aggressive towards other, younger children.

My husband and I decided when we found out we were going to have a baby that we didn't need to personally contribute to the population explosion. He and I are both only children and felt that it would be a wonderful way for our little girl to grow up.

Just some thoughts from the other side of the fence. There are good things and bad things about either decision. Just don't let anyone else pressure you because they think you have an obligation to have more than one child. You don't!! Love the child you have. Love the life you have. If you chose to add to that, do it because YOU want to!! Good luck...

My daughter is 21 months old and I know what you are going through. I think I have pretty much decided to just have one. I am the 2nd of 8 and have some guilt, because my siblings are great....mostly...but does that mean i should have 8 kids? (can't...too old, darn) I disagree with the girl who mentioned the increased pressure from parents on an only child. I think it matters how you raise them, more than how many siblings you have. Though one of 8!, I had a lot of pressure to do well in school, go to college, be an overall 'good' kid, etc, etc. I have been seeking out only children and parents of only children to talk with. Some of the only children said they wished they had siblings when they were young (I wished to be an only child..lol), but none said they were unhappy or would change things if they could. The parents didn't regret their decisions. So, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with stopping at one and nothing wrong with having more.

I just want to add that so many of you posted a response saying you had a second because you didn't want your first to be any only child, like that is something terrible. I am an only child I am 31 years old and I have one daughter. I don't ever think you should compare apples and oranges. Only children face differnt (not worse or better) situations growing up than siblings do. I really don't like all the negativity associated with only children. When I meet someone and tell them I only have one child they always say "you should have another, you don't want your daughter to be an only child". Why not???? Life is just at fullfilling, fun and NOT more lonely than someone with siblings.

I also have an only child and many times I feel like I do not want to have a second child because I am just so happy with just one. Many times I believe it's selfish to feel that because this is a time when I am focusing more on myself and really enjoying my daughter as she gets older and understands more about life, also, we get to go shopping and do fun stuff together. Me and my husband have come to the conclusion that we will get ready for our next child in two years, we are in no hurry and it sounds like the perfect time for us. Our children will be 8 years apart but that does not bother us at all. We like the idea of having a baby in the house after all those years and we will enjoy the baby even more. I believe you should do what's in your heart and don't listen to what other people think is right or wrong. Trust in your faith and everything will come into place.

I'm glad that you know it all boils down to what is right for you, but here's what I think. . .
We weren't planning on having any children for a long time, but we got pregnant with my first child. Then, we decided that we didn't really want another one, but my daughter seemed a little lonely. She was content with her me and her dad, but she wanted a real playmate.
But, we still wanted to wait before having another one. However, I got pregnant again anyway. Now, I look back and think that, if I had a chance to do it again, I would. Because having two is a little more work, but it's a lot more rewarding.
On the other hand, my two best friends in the whole world are only children and they are wonderful people. AND, neither of them have any complaints about growing up without siblings!
Good luck in your decision,
Jen

This is such an individual family choice. My husband and I were set with only one child (he even had a vasectomy)and then when our daughter was about 2.5 yrs old we started seeing that she was not a baby anymore and that she longed for a sibling like so many of her friends had. I know some kids are fine without siblings but my husband and I were reminded of our own siblings and the joy they brought us so decided that doing it all again would be a wonderful thing for us all. My husband had to have a vasectomy reversal (not cheap!) and we are now pregnant. I know not every child wants a sibling and not every adult had good experiences with their siblings so, as I said, it is such a personal decision. Look at your child and your family. Would another child add anything or are you fulfulled with the unit you have now. Remember that you don't have to do anything right now if you are unsure. Lots of people wait four or five years or longer between kids.

M., I don't know your son's personality - he might be totally fine with never having a sibling. But I know my son would have died. He's an extremely charming, loquacious (understatement of the year!), outgoing sweetheart and he NEEDS other kids around. We weren't getting out much, due to a mommy condition, and he really didn't have any real friends. So he was terribly lonely, and when he cried one afternoon because a boy on the playground had to go home, I decided he needed a playmate he could always take home with him. And the decision felt perfectly right in my heart.

Turned out to be a great choice! When the baby was born, big brother was so awesome with him, so protective and gentle - which was a shock, because he's normally a bull in a china shop if his eyes are open, and very attention needy. I was scared to death of rivalry issues. (My bro and I fought constantly as kids.) But Michael and Caleb are the best of buddies now, and they both adore their baby sister, who was born just last August. God gave my husband and me the perfect family for us, and my second son is the only one who planned. I say listen to your heart.

Wishing you grace ~
R.

Hi M.,
WOW, I thought I was the only one that is going through this thought process of having another baby. My husband and I have one son who is 2, and we're contemplating on having another one. I'm scared to be honest because I'm afraid I won't be able to handle two. I'm a stay at home mom so finances come to be one of the factors as well. Not so much as being scared though. I want another baby, not only because I want one, but to also give my son a sibling. Someone who he can be a big brother to, and plus he won't be the only child. Although I know some children love being the only child, but other children who have siblings wouldn't trade it for the world. If something ever was to happen to me and my husband, I don't want my son to be alone. I would want him to have a sister or brother who can share memories with. Does that make sense? There are a lot of things that come to mind when thinking about having another baby. Sometimes I think there are so many bad people (may be just good people making bad choices), and I think about if more people had more children and guide them to be good natured people, then the world would be a better place. Hopeful thinking I know, but I have thought of that too. I would love to talk to you more about this since we have this thought in common. May be we can email each other, or get together and talk some more about this so we can hear each others concerns and help each other make the decision. Please email me at ____@____.com
Have a great day. Hope to hear from you. G.

I have a daughter who will be almost six when her little brother is born. My husband & I were happy with just one child but our daughter is very very family orientated even at her young age. She would see her cousins playing together & they always had some one to play with she did not. Now she is so excited about her baby coming she cant wait to help with the feeding & changing the diaper (she really wants to but I don't thinks so.) The one thing that I have noticed since my daughter has been an only child is she is a lot more mature then kids her own age most people think my daughter is at least 7. Her friends are 7 to 10. I put her with kids her own age and for the most part she does not respond well to them in her eyes they are babies. In the end though it is your choice to make. My family choose for a second to give my daughter a friend for life some one to lean on when mom & dad aren't there. Only children I have known usually find a close friend for that. Just remember your son is still young you don't need to rush anything.

I know that you have receive so many different advice about it, but I wanted to let you know that if you feel like you are content with your family the way it is, don't worry about having another child. For myself, I wanted a bundle of children, but realized after my 2nd that I could only really handle about 4. Every family is different. If you still are undecided, try writing down all your feelings about the subject. Put it away, and look at it again in a couple of days.

My biggest struggle with having the 2nd child is i did not know if I could possible love another child like my first. I did not plan my second one so i worried the whole time that i would not love my little boy like i loved my first but as soon as my son was born I felt like i did with my first child. The love just grows and it is the same. Having 2 children made me feel like more of a mom and now i have a total of 3 children. what you need to think about is the teen years!!!! mine are 16, 14 and 8 and believe me I thought that once they grew up it would be easier. Wrong! I think it would be great for your little one to have a brother or sister it helps them alot in learning to share and other things. good luck with what ever you decide :)

Lots of family's have only one child. Wait until you really want another one- as a mom of two with one being a new born I can tell you that it really is double the work. So make sure you really want two.

Hello M.,

I see that you have gotten a tons of various responses so I will just add mine. I come from a family of two children - me and my younger brother. I had great time with him when we were very little and I love him to death but later on - as older siblings often do, I ignored him. Partly, because he was a boy and partly because he was younger. Three years makes a huge difference when you are young.... My husband on the other hand comes from six children - all boys. We only have one child and we know this is it. Children are not only a great joy but also a huge responsibility - both psychological and financial. I come from Europe and it is not usual to have more than two. It seems to me that people in the US are not as thoughtful and responsible about having children and quite often very irresponsible (yes, that's what I call it), especially in terms of finances. The love is always there, there is NO doubt about it. And I know this sounds very harsh to Americans... I see it all the time, mommy stays at home with children, dad is the sole financial support and this puts a great strain on the family. The family often does fine at the moment, but all of the sudden the child is all grown up and parents did not save anything to put the child through college or give them a good solid start. No long term planning. I realize that it is not all about money, of course not, but I see it on my husband's family. It's virtually impossible for a middle class family to save enough money for six children to send them off to college. The parents seem to think it is not their responsibility or they do not have the foresight to think about it or .... I see my hubbie's family - his brothers coming back for help to his parents all the time and they are in their forties... I know this sounds very one sided and it very well may be... I love my baby so much and I am sure that if I were to have more, I would never have regrets and love them as well. But life is also about responsibility - not only to the family but also to the society one lives in. Just so you know, I have also always thought that I will have two children. But I did let myself to change my mind and be OK with it. Your first child will certainly not suffer by not having another sibling. He/she may miss out some things but will surely be enriched by other. By the virtue of my and my husbands personality, I really believe that our child will not be a spoiled little brat (I promise I will try my best). I hope all the other moms out there will not get upset by my response, it's just another opinion to be thrown out there. It is truly an individual's choice. And I hope you make the one that is best for your family.

Here's my 2 cents. I think that decision needs to be made by you all. Here are some things to think about with an only.

I've known a few onlys. These are the "drawbacks" that I have heard and/or seen with them.

1. An only seems to grow up faster than a kid with siblings. I don't know why that is, but that seems to be what I've seen. Make sure your son has a childhood.

2. An only seems to feel pressure from parents. I'm not saying that if you have several kids there won't be some that feel parental pressure. But, a friend of mine and I were talking about only kids. And she told me that she felt a lot of pressure from her parents. They weren't pressing her to do anything, but she felt that all their fears and hopes were centered on her where if she had siblings that might have been spread out some.

I'm not saying that you should have other children to keep these things from happening. I'm just saying watch for these things.

I've got 2 kids. The first is 6.5 and the second is 16 months. I got pregnant for the 3rd time (I lost one when my oldest was 3) after I had given up and decided that I was destined to parent an only. Having a second has been a blessing. And, honestly, my oldest told me that she was responsible for my youngest - she prayed and told God she wanted a sibling. There are ups and downs - but there are those regardless of the number of kids you've got.

Do you know anyone with a baby? If so, you could offer to babysit and see how that is. I know it's not the same as having both kids be your own, but it might give you an idea of what you'd experience with a second.

Those are my thoughts. I hope it helped!

Families are all different shapes and sizes. There are many benefits to having just one child. You can give so much love and attention to that one human being. It is easier to provide financially for one child. Life is less hectic and noisy. You can make up for the lack of siblings by opening your house to many of your child's friends. I have three kids (two are twins so I went right from one to three). I made the decision to have more by thinking of the future. I pictured the family sitting around the table in the future. I found that for me picturing just my husband, first son and I seemed small and incomplete. I knew that my picture of the ideal family included more kids. If your ideal family picture would be just the three of you then I think that you may have the right family size all ready.

I was in the same boat. I had to work hard to get pregnant with my older son. There was so much emotion and concern attached, I knew I was high risk and might have issues. I had to use Clomid and faced a 45% chance of miscarrying. To decide to have another child was agreeing to that emotional roller coaster again. In the end, we decided to have a second, more than anything, so that our first wouldn't be alone after we were gone. My husband is one of two boys and I am one of three girls. Our siblings are important to us and we wanted to give our first born that same experience. I was lucky, I swear I got pregnant (without trying and quite by surprise) with the second days after we finally made that decision. My boys are 2 years and 3 months apart. They are utterly devoted to one another. My older son is going to be 4 this weekend and the younger will be 2 in July. I am never happier I decided to have a second, than when I hear my boys giggling in the room they share after I have put them to bed. They will always have each other. While two is definitely more that twice the work, it is worth it for us. I hope this helps and good luck!

my son is 3 years old, and when he was one years old i thought about having another, but i actually decided i didnt want to have another child. my son is all that i want. yeah, my son would love to have a brother or sister, but i just really dont want any more kids. my son is enough for me. so we got a dog instead. but, yeah. you should do what is right for you, if your not sure then maybe its just not the right time, right now to have another.

Hi M.,

I went through the same dilemma for awhile as well, but knew in my heart that another child would complete our son's world. I hated to think of him growing up without a sibling, or alone in the world after my husband and I become too old or are not around anymore, so we decided having another child was the best way to complete this.

I still wonder at times if we made the right decision because we just had a baby two weeks ago and sometimes I feel guilty for changing the dynamics of our sons world, but in the long run I think he will benefit and he even tells us he loves his little brother, loves to hold him and doesn't show any signs of resentment (yet). I'm sure there will be new challenges as there already are with a newborn and toddler, but coming from a family of four other siblings I feel like I always have my brother or sisters to count on and always had them to play with growing up.
Good luck with your decision, pray on it and I'm sure you will make the best one for you and your family.

All I can say is I have 6 siblings and love them all dearly. I think a little brother or sister is the best gift you can give your child. As for the timing, is there ever a perfect time? I could never have an only child because I value too greatly my relationship with each one of my siblings, but unfortunately not everyone appreciates there siblings like I do.

M.,

If you are happy and content with your family the way that it is, then just stick with one. I have two boys 16 months apart. I can tell you that one was a cake walk compared to two. If you decide to have another one, you will love him or her as much as you love your first. Don't worry about that. I cried when my baby was 8 months old and I found out I was going to have another. I cried for 9 months in fact. But the day he was born, I fell in love. He is the sweetest thing. I did not want to have another unexpected pregnancy and was sure 2 kids were plenty, so I got my tubes tied in the hospital.

I read the comments before about only kids and I disagree. Alll kids have some sort of issues. I was the youngest of 3 and the only girl. My middle brother says that he was shafted because he is in the middle. The oldest was first and the youngest is the baby, so they get everything. My oldest brother feels shafted because he had to share with us. And I sometimes feel shafted because I had to pay for the mistakes that other two made. See, everyone has issues. Don't worry about having just one. I am sure your child will grow up to be a great member of society. Good luck to you!

Steph

I myself, have an almost 5year old. I thought about having another in this past year. I thought maybe it wasn't right for he to have to be alone. We tried for a few months. Nothing happened. Then, as more time pasted, I started to like the idea of only one. She is about to start school, and I don't really want to go through all the infant and toddler stuff again. I am happy with just one. My hubby, not her bi-dad, has none of his own, but has raised her from very young. He wanted a son, to carry the name sort of thing, but now, he too feels one is enough for us. I've known several only children, and I don'thing it is a disadvantage. My daughter entertains herself very well. My niece, however, the youngest of 4 can't seem to be alone for more than a few minutes. It's the same with all her siblings. I like that my kid can be in her room coloring or playing, without yelling, fighting or having to get someone else to think for her. She is a lil spoiled though, and can be bossy and possesive, when it comes to other kids. It doesn't bother me. You have to decide what is best for your family, this is just my experience. Best of luck to you.

M.;
I totally understand. When I first got pregnant I was absolutley extatic! I knew in my heart that was exactly what I had wanted. But when I got pregnant with my second child I cried! I felt so bad, I knew we werent preventing the pregnancy and we had touched on the subject of having another. But when I found out I was a little sad. I have to say though once I went to the doctor and heard my little boys heart beat and then started to feel him inside me. That was the best thing in the world!!! I now have 3 kiddos and we are working on trying for our final #4!!!

I hope this helps some....

I had to be pushed into having my second child as soon as I did, but you will never regret having two children. Believe me, there is room in your heart. Having a second child allows you to be a more relaxed, confident mom. I really enjoyed the infancy stage more and I knew that every stage was short, unlike with my first. The bonding with my second child was instant. Now that my kids are 5 and 3, they play together and it makes it so much easier on me when I'm not their sole source of entertainment. Giving a child a sibling is the best gift you can give in my opinion. I also think that life, in the long run, is easier for children who have grown up with siblings. Good luck to you!

I have a second little girl because I didn't want my oldest girl growing up as an only child. It's definitely more work but the love I feel is just as intense!
Hope that helps.