Older Mom Being Left Out

I suggest that your definition of respect is different than most. You have said nothing that indicates your daughter is disrespectful. What you describe is a difference in expectations.

It sounds like you expect her to make you happy. This is called codependency. I suggest you read up on codependency. I have had some difficulty expecting others to come to me, to take care of me. After all, I've done for them sort of thing. I've been unhappy when I wasn't included in friends' activities. I learned that I might have been included if I'd been easier for them to get along with me. They were aware of my hurt feelings. Who wants to spend time with such a sensitive person?

I saw my doctor who suggested I was depressed and referred me for counseling. This is when I learned about codependency. I learned that I'm the only one responsible for my happiness. It's up to me to make decisions for how I will be happy. This is where having an active life comes in. Having your own interests separate from those of the person you want to spend time with makes me happy and a more interestinng person.

I also learned to be interested in the other person's interests.This is where accepting the other person's way of life and fitting myself into their life comes in. It means I recognize their limitations, such as being a parent, a wife, and working.

I'm 75. I know my time is limited. I accept that how I live these years are my responsibility. I've made a conscious choice to be happy. When I'm lonely, I call a friend, go for a walk, read, watch television or visit my daughter and grandkids. Fortunately they live about a mile from me. I call first. When I get there, I play with the kids and talk with my daughter. I might tell her I'm feeling down but I don't complain or expect to be entertained.i don't give advice unless she asks me. I listen much more than I talk. She has 5 kids. She appreciates my help with them. I praise her because I know her life is hectic. I no longer expect anything from her. Once I became independent, my daughter and I've become closer.

I suggest you find things to do for your own happiness. Tell your daughter you know she has lots of responsibilty and is juggling them all to fit into her limited time. Never complain about not seeing her more. Talk about your interesting life, how you've taken up embroidery or whatever you're doing at the time. Show how you're not dependent on her making plans. After the two of you feel somewhat comfortable with each other tell her you'd like to visit. Tell her you'll stay in a hotel/motel/ or a place within your budget. Make plans for what you'll do with your grandchildren. When You're there be helpful. My mother always defrosted my freezer, a job I hated.

Perhaps this is the opposite of what you usually do. I urge you to get help in counseling. I've been in counseling much of my life. I'm a much more better friend and mom than I was at 30.

I suggest the important way to get started is to find what you can do to make your life happier.

People have a difficult time relating to an unhappy and clinging person.

I am going to be short on my answer here. And it is truly intended to make you laugh and feel a little lighter. So...In some ways I used to think like you...my son married and moved far away, then farther away, and spends time with his in laws. I see the pictures on his social media. Way too happy for the sniveling little woman inside MY brain. He should want to see his mother-right? He's been married about eight years and doesn't have ANY children. He should want to bring his mother GRANDCHILDREN. RIGHT? anyway and then there's my sister and she has six grandchildren every other woman in the neighborhood who I bump into in the grocery store has pictures on her phone of HER grandchildren or is with her daughter (SO I SHOULD HAVE HAD A DAUGHTER RIGHT?) well, it occurred to me one day. No one really thinks a whole lot about me and if I do or not get visits from anyone or if I have grandchildren they just keep being INSENSTIVE don't they? they keep on showing me the pictures. And Ms. Snivelhead inside of my brain finally realized something... I came in alone and will go out alone. And I was happy before I had children and before I met all the perfect grandparents out there and I can take charge. So, I started inviting myself to things. I started taking charge of what would make me happy and if it was to have a family and babies bouncing on my knees and friends and fun stuff I was the only one that can do it. When we invited ourselves to see my son on the other side of the USA-we would pay and stay in a hotel and he had the NERVE the darn nerve to say he was too busy we took the seven hundred dollar airfare it would have cost, paid escrow on our house and are redoing our kitchen for when HE visits instead. You see, you can't really waste a lot of time in your life anymore being indignant about what happens or not. Life really truly ain't fair. Sometimes our relationships come from mostly one side. People get busy, they have jobs or families and they wish to be active in your life but they simply can't at that time. They don't mean to shut you out but we can read it that way. Sometimes everyone else has grandchildren and puppies and I am the one left with the goldfish in the bowl. We have to decide that we can be happy. It is in our power to do so. In one way or another. Therapy helps, church helps, school helps. It really is all about moving on. GO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER ONCE, TWICE without an agenda. Maybe she wasn't trying to rub the pictures in your face but to have you be proud of her because she met someone and they do have a fun extended family life. Maybe you can be in some of those pictures too. Just gotta put one foot outside the bed, get up and thank God for another day and some more chances. We are all going to die. We know this. I am 61 and am aware of it but really don't have time to dwell on it. Because we can choose to have a great day, a great hour, and a great moment. There is still so much in life to celebrate! And gosh sorry, planned this to be short and got a little long winded. Here's a hug.

To get respect you have to give respect.

Maybe your expectations of your children are too high? Do they want to be around you? Do you make things uncomfortable when they are around you? Are you a positive person to be around or do you complain? Are you still mothering your adult children?

I do not think your children do not care. I think they are involved with their family which they should be. What were you doing when your family was young?

Communication is so important. Have you talked to them about your expectations? If my mom made it so I felt obligated to call or visit, I would be put off by that. If my mom used her behavior in the past of taking care of others (martyr) and threw that in my face as I should be taking care of her, I'd resent that. I DO resent it when my mom complains, tries to tell me how I should be living my life and trying to pressure me to come visit. It pushes me further away.

My daughter is not yet married but hope she has inlaws she is close to and a true part of their family. It is very special that your daughter has a special bond with inlaws. You do realize how much this helps her with her children, marriage?

Of course I hope to stay close to my daughter but I would not ever put pressure on her or make her feel obligation to visit me or all me.

If you are retired, what are you doing with your time? Get involved with something in your community. Give back. Volunteer. Be active... don't sit and wallow in a pity party when you could be making a difference for others. It is up to you to make yourself happy.... don't depend on others to do it for you. Volunteering can be very rewarding.

I would love to hear your daughter's version of this story.

I'm sorry, I'm not buying the sweet and innocent mom story. You are mixing up "RESPECT" with "LOVE". Just because YOU did you "duty" and visited your parents and grandparents? Doesn't mean your daughter needs to. If you are "toxic" and bringing her down and, in essence, whining about what you don't get from her? If I were her? I wouldn't want to be around you either.

When you had your summer home, did you tell her she was welcome? If she came to visit did you make her feel welcome or did you harp on her for every thing she did? See, that's the thing, you see yourself as some perfect mom, but this story sounds SOOOO contrived that I just can't buy it.

You assume talking with her would make matters worse. For who? You or her? Are you not ready to accept responsibility for this situation? Do you NOT want to HEAR and LISTEN to her side of the story?

My parents are about 30 minutes away from me. They are elderly, in their 80s. They still travel and really look like they are in their mid-60s. My mom gets confused as my sister, not my mother. I'm hoping my skin will look as good as hers in 20 years! How often do I visit? Every Sunday when they are home. My kids? They come around about every 3 months as they are now grown and spread out around the state. My parents go to their GREAT grandchildren's games, they are invited. My mom can be a loud mouth!! My dad? Claps and supports the team. What do YOU do? Be HONEST with yourself here.

You need to really accept responsibility for YOUR actions. You're not perfect. No mom is. However, if you whine and cry about what you perceive you are entitled to? I wouldn't want to be around you either. Talk with your daughter. LISTEN to her. Find out why she doesn't want to be around you more. She loves her in-laws because they provide her the support she needs, that's what it sounds like to me. They are wonderful because they are there but not in her face. Are you in her face? Be honest with yourself. This is the time. You can change. Your relationship with your daughter CAN change, but you really need to learn to communicate and hear what she needs from you. You need to tell her what you expect and want and find a compromise.

Stop crying.
Stop being a victim. You're not.

How well do you remember your 40s?
Between kids, their school, their activities, and careers (you know most companies only give like 4 weeks vacation per year, right? and it takes years to earn that), overtime, being on call, paying bills, shopping, trying to have a social life of your own, trying to see their grand kids, trying to get some sleep - there just aren't enough hours in the day.
Respect?
Can you respect exactly how many balls they are juggling right now?
And retirement - if they can afford it - is at least 20 years away for them.

If sitting, crying, brooding and having a pity party are not working for you - then stop doing that.
First thing to do is to see your doctor and tell him about your sitting and crying.
If you are depressed - get it treated.
Don't expect, wait or whine on your kids to make you happy.
Get a part time job, volunteer, visit your local senior center, do things with Hubby or get a boyfriend if you're single, do things with girlfriends, travel, take up a new hobby, take a class - do what ever makes you happy.
Your kids are not responsible for your happiness or lack thereof.
If you are young inside - the young get up and go and do things.

So you have 2 children but you are only complaining about your daughter? Is the other one more involved or a son who you are cutting some slack because he's a guy?

I'm going to guess that the reason she is close to her hubby's family is because they make the effort to involve her in their plans. They are more welcoming to her than you seem to be. You want what you want and that's ok but between work, kids, activities, and taking care of a household your daughter has a full plate. Instead of being upset by what you see as a lack of respect for her elders you need to figure out how to get on that plate so you can spend time with her and your grandkids.

I'd start off by making a phone call and let her know that you would like to be more a part of their lives because you feel you are missing out of events and time. Plan on doing the driving to participate in things. You have to make the effort to change things because if you don't you'll just be sad and alone.

I have 4 adult kids and I did my best to raise them to be good people. I try my best not to over mother them now that they are adults. I keep my opinions to myself unless they ask. I'm more of a sounding board for their thoughts. They are busy busy people so I take whatever time they give me.

I suggest that you stop comparing your life as a mother to your daughter's life as a mother. You don't know what kind of pressures and commitments she has.

If you want to spend time with your daughter and her family, then call her. Ask for your grandkids' activity schedule, and tell her you'd like to come up to see your grandkids' games/recitals/concerts/etc. Come for the day and spend the day joining with what they are doing. That is far more likely to be successful than asking her to stop everything they are doing to come to you.

This is why having friends, hobbies and other activities is so important. My kids are young adults now and I fully expect that when they have spouses and families I will see them even less than I do now. I don't see it as disrespectful at all I see it as the natural progression of life. Of course I hope we will remain close (we text more than anything) but I've already experienced two of them living thousands of miles away so I'm realistic about what the future holds. I think you need to find some friends and activities to fill this emptiness you expect your adult children to fill.

i'm sorry you feel left out. this is a sad story.

i don't think it's about respect so much as a feeling of warmth and closeness. if you visited your parents out of duty, and are expecting your kids to spend time with you within that paradigm, that could be it.

maybe they 'should' care. but most of us don't respond positively to the guilt message behind the 'should.'

if i were you i'd spend whatever time i had left being warm and open, and very appreciative of whatever my kids were willing to give.

i'm not faulting you for being hurt and resentful. i would be too. but that's not what's going to bring them back to your hearth.

don't tell them what you want from them. ask them what they want from you. then do everything you can to deliver it.

good luck!
khairete
S.

How and why are you equating this to a "respect" issue. So, you'd rather your daughter visit you solely out of a feeling of responsibility, rather than because she WANTS to see you? You'd accept forced visits that were not enjoyed just to show that they can?

I'm not going to lie - your post comes off as extremely needy and whiny. If, as an adult child, I had this type of behavior to look forward to on a visit, it is likely I'd make them as few and far between as possible.

The onus of visiting falls on the party who WANTS THE VISITS. If you want to see your adult children more often, you need to make the effort. Lack of effort on their part only means that either you have raised uncaring children or created an unwelcoming environment - both those road lead to you . . . not to them.

It would be different if she was saying "geez, I'd love to visit you weekly, but we just can't afford it, can you come soon." Doesn't sound like that's quite the case. Sounds like her in-laws have stepped to the plate, though.

The only person responsible for fixing a relationship they are unhappy with is the person who is unhappy. Don't expect your daughter to fix it - she sounds perfectly happy with the way things are.

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice already. I'll add in a couple of things in the hope that it will be helpful to you:

1) I of course have no idea what life was like when you were raising your children but you're around the same age as my parents and I'm around the same age as your kids. When I was growing up, my mom was at home full time until I was 10, then she worked part time until she retired. It was a lot of work (there were 5 of us) but she wasn't working FT and trying to be a good wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, employee, and member of the community all at once. My mom frequently marvels that my sisters and I are able to "do it all" and cuts us a lot of slack because she sees how busy and exhausted we are. I'm not offering that as an excuse, but if you didn't work FT while raising kids and your daughter does, you may have no idea how full her plate is. It may simply be that she's doing her best to get through an exhausting part of life and not that she doesn't love or respect you.

2) My in-laws (technically ex-in-laws) live 1500 miles away for most of the year. They do an AMAZING job of managing a long-distance relationship with me, their grandchildren, my brother-in-law and his wife, and my ex. They're around your age too but thankfully are healthy enough to travel with ease and still have a home here that they use in the summer. They simply have more time and money than any of us do so they can plan to come here and make frequent trips back for holidays or just because. They let us know when they're going to be in town and ask when we're available. We plan a lunch or dinner, or they'll come to a hockey game or school event, or just swing by after school and hang out with their grandkids while I'm at work. They're doing the work to come to us because they have more capacity to plan, and we really welcome and look forward to the visits. They are also great about just texting or using facetime or skype with the grandkids. They'll send them funny memes or jokes or interesting stories. They really work on staying connected directly with each person and it has helped maintain closeness even from a distance.

3) My parents live closer to us but also do a lot of the planning - we of course have expectations and routines at this point around holidays, etc. but again, they're retired and have more time to pick up the phone and say "is there a hockey game this weekend that we can go to?" or "how about you come out to dinner with us on Thursday after work" or whatever. When they were younger, they were more inclined to be the ones to make plans with my grandparents, who never took the initiative to reach out and needed everyone to come to them (they were in poor health even as young as their 70s). My parents were good about that, and I'll do that when they get to a point where they are truly aging and need more help and care, but I appreciate that they take the lead because if it were left up to me, weeks or months would go by without contact because we're just so busy trying to get through the day.

Anyway...I think what you're experiencing is pretty common and is a matter of distance and the insane pace of raising a family now. Rather than cast this as an issue of respecting you, etc. just have a conversation with your kids. Let them know that you miss them and their children and want to be more involved. Make a plan for a visit - stay at a hotel, plan some activities and enjoy your time, then do it again. And again. And again.

I never went over and visited my mom out of respect or duty.

I went by her house to visit almost daily because I loved her and wanted to spend time with a fun woman who was my friend now that I was grown. She still advised me but not so much as we had a great time hanging out drinking coffee or a soda. We watched tv or did puzzles...she kept my dog for me as I didn't have kids yet when I needed a dog sitter. We went shopping together on my days off or met up for dinner.

We had a relationship that was formed out of love and enjoying each others company.

My own daughter and I don't seem to have that type of relationship yet...maybe it will form or maybe she and I will always just be a mom and daughter and she will move away from me as our personalities don't lend towards that type of relationship. I hope it will as she gets older...she is in middle school and I wasn't always fond of my mother at that age either. Either way I don't want her to visit out of duty or respect....I want her to come home after she leaves to visit and have a good time with me and her dad. I would love to spoil (just a bit) some grand kids one day.

If you don't have a relationship with someone you don't want to visit them...why would you? I'm sorry you feel they are not doing their "duty". I wonder what her side of this story would be...

Read Marda's response. Then read it again.

You raised this daughter, and parenting only goes so far. You were the primary influence on her life for many, many years. But she went out on her own and she had other influences as well. So while you can 9and should) see yourself as responsible for many aspects of her personality and values, I recognize that others have influenced her as well. That said, you've only presented one side of the story and it would be enlightening to hear what your daughter has to say.

At this point, you are so unhappy and focused on your death that it's probably past the point that you are much fun to be with. I don't know if something happened to make her have a low opinion of you, and you don't say one word about possible mistakes you made or burdens you may have placed on her. Maybe you aren't aware of them, and maybe a conversation with her would be illuminating. However, since you also say that such a conversation would not be well received and would make things worse - which makes me think that you'd already done this more than once. So either something is wrong with your approach, or something is wrong with your daughter, or a combination of both.

The only thing I can see that is blatantly disrespectful is your daughter telling you how great her significant other's family is. It does sound like she's rubbing your nose in it, but then again, maybe she's hinting to you at what she would enjoy and perhaps what she would hope to have with you.

I do know that nothing at all will happen if you don't get some insight and self-awareness. You can and must work on yourself with a professional counselor. Maybe your daughter would welcome that. Perhaps if you had greater understanding, some things could be improved enough that a few visits could be arranged. And maybe if you worked on becoming a happier person, you'd be less challenging for the first visit after a long time. Try it. What you're doing isn't working, and blaming your daughter isn't helping to move the ball down the field. I'm not saying she's perfect at all - I'm saying you can't get anywhere by criticizing her and saying she's not giving you the respect you feel you gave your parents.

Welcome to mamapedia, K.

Print this out and mail it to her. you don't KNOW for a fact it would make it worse. you only feel that it will.

There's so much to this - I'd love to hear her side of the story.
1. Cancer treatment - did you ask her to visit? If not - did you just expect her to and get disappointed when she didn't? If you don't COMMUNICATE to her what you expect or want? How is she to know?

2. You moved to a tax-free state to keep the cost of living lower. So you CHOSE to move and she's right, you moved. But here's the thing - you said it was "SUMMER'S" you spent there. Did you tell her the family was welcome or did you just expect her to show up?

3. This isn't about respect. This is about communication and what you EXPECT from her. I don't think you understand what "respect" means. Respect does NOT mean showing up and calling. That's CARING. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your daughter, but it sounds like it's not a strong one.

4. WHO TOLD YOU TO "LET GO"? Are you a helicopter mom with your adult child? You might be what is called a "High Maintenance Mom" and that means your child views you and "NEEDY" and "CLINGY". There are several reasons for that - but only YOU know the real answer. You have to have an honest look at yourself AND the situation.

5. Is she married or in a domestic partnership? You refer to him as "significant other". So what is so wonderful about his mom and sister? What do they do differently than you? LISTEN to her. She's telling you what she needs and you aren't listening - you are hearing ONLY what you want to hear. that's my guess.

Do you whine when you are on the phone with her about her not calling more?
Do you whine when you don't get to see her?
YOU may not feel you are whining - but what SHE HEARS is whining.

Both of my parents are dead. I lost my mom 5 years ago to Pancreatic Cancer. I was the one who called time of death. My mom was a rare mom - she didn't like to talk on the phone, she didn't like to shop, she didn't like diamonds!! LOL!! When we bought her things? She felt embarrassed but it didn't stop us from spoiling her every chance we got. I called my mom and dad daily. My husband SOOO did not get that - his family? NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS. Every family is different.

I don't think it's because you're old. I think it's because you haven't developed a relationship with your daughter and she feels you are still trying to parent her - helicopter mom and when she DOES contact you? She hears whining.

Please take heart to what I am saying. This is NOT about "respect" this is about attention and caring - which are totally different things. I realize you are feeling left out - however - it might be because of YOUR OWN DOING. Your own actions. Her perception of you is different than how YOU view yourself. You need to find out how SHE sees you and you two need to learn to communicate about expectations and desires.

If you expect her to fly to you? Is that feasible? Can they afford that?
If she expects YOU to come to her - has she invited you in or have you asked when a good time to visit would be? There's SO MUCH we don't know about this relationship.
Stop whining to her. Be direct about what you want and need and expect and then go from there. Print this message out to her and start the conversation STOP assuming it will only make matters worse. Stop being a victim and a martyr. That's how you sound to me. STOP.

If you want to have a better relationship with your daughter, reach out to her. Call her once a week (at a time that you believe she will have time to talk) and ask her how she is doing. Get to know her. Make plans to visit her or invite her to visit you.

I'm 46 years old and have 2 kids (9 & 12), and life is busy!!! Between Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Hockey, Youth Group, school, church work ... it can be very difficult to find time just to sit down and watch a movie with my husband and kids. It's just not easy!

My parents live 20 minutes away, and I don't see them as often as I'd like to. Over the weekend one of the kids and I stopped by just to visit. My mom sent me a text later that day thanking me. It's not that I don't want to visit (at all!!!) It's just that life is busy, and I can't always make the time, even when I'd like to.

Don't compare your daughter to you. She's not you, so that's not really fair or accurate. Don't assume that she's intentionally snubbing you, when she's likely simply trying to take care of her own family (husband and kids).

Let go of the past, and move forward. What can you do to improve your relationship with your daughter?

I try not to have expectations. It leads to a lot less disappointment in life.

Check out this article or google the topic. There are lots of good articles.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/2...

Also, the only person you are in charge of is you. Do things that make you happy. Happy people are typically a joy to be around. It will also make you a more interesting person. Surround yourself with your own friends. If you were leading a fulfilling life, it may help take the sting out of what you see as your children’s short comings.

Best of luck.

I feel for you. I’m not sure what the answer is, but sometimes people respond so harshly. I don’t believe those comments are helpful. We see my husbands parents a lot compared to mine, but his parents are very forceful. They just tell us that they are coming over (to drop off cookies because she loves to bake or because they want to see a project my husband did on our house) while my parents are more worried about seeming too pushy, so they don’t initiate visiting very often. It’s hard to be that pushy type if it’s not part of your personality. I try to invite my parents, but I could tell they think the drive is long for them. They are 75 and 80. I drive to see them as often as I can, but sometimes life’s demands get in the way. They have one really good widowed friend that they spend a lot of their time with. They go to plays, out for brunch every Saturday and go to things that the park district offers. When my in-laws see us, they always want me to take pictures and post them, so their friends can see them. If you see my Facebook, it makes it seem like we are just so happy and always together. Facebook should be called fake book. Lol

People don't have people in their lives 'just because'. People make the effort because they want to.

I know that may hurt to hear, but when it's an obligation, it's just that. What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter? Are you close? Does she like you? Do you have fun together? Do you have common interests? What do you bring to her life? Do you give to her?

My husband's mother could have written this. She is resentful that my husband feels closer to my family. We actually live closer to his family than my own, but he chooses to be more involved with members of my family than his own. He reaches out to them. He sees them (goes to events, etc.) and makes plans without me even realizing sometimes - because he has fun.

Our kids - feel much closer to my side of the family. I can't say why - I think it's because the feeling wasn't of obligation and it's 'expected' but because there are no expectations, and we're close. It's more like friends getting together. No one thinks of - who has made the effort. It's about enjoying each other's company. I don't think of my mom as my elder and respect - we're buds. Once I became an adult - we were on level playing ground. She's more a mentor to me. I respect her because I value her wisdom and she's my biggest fan.

She would never make me feel guilty.

You sound a bit like you feel resentful (tad angry) and not just necessarily hurt. My MIL is like this. When she does talk to my husband, it comes across as nagging. I wonder if this has ever been the way you've talked to your children. If so, it can sound needy. It is a real turn off to people. For my husband, who is busy with his career and children, and stressed at times, to have a call from his mother who will say "You never come to visit" - it's one more stress in his life. My family instead will call and say "We're all getting together and you're more than welcome to join us in the festivities!". There's no pressure. No one will get upset if we don't attend.

It's just kind of the approach. Maybe change yours and you'll notice a difference. I've often wanted to say that to my MIL, but was advised to stay out of it, so I always have.

Trust me, if you feel bitterness at all - it does come across. I am well aware my in-laws dislike me and my family - just because my husband cares for them so much. You can tell. I'm sure they feel they hide it well, but true feelings are there. It might be best to really deal with how YOU feel, and work on it - and you'll notice a big improvement in your relationship with your daughter. Then I think things will improve.

You can always visit more - remember back to when you were that age. My husband remembers his mother complaining that they had to pack up and visit relatives and parents not talking in the car. He didn't want that for our family. When we visit my side - it's how it was when I was a kid - more a road trip, an adventure. It really is all about the approach. If they don't want to come see you, then go visit them. Why keep insisting on doing something that obviously is not working? That would be my suggestion :)

I think if your daughter loved and respected you this wouldn't even be an issue.
So what's the deal?
I'd love to hear her side of the story.
I'm sure you're not quite the innocent "old lady" you make yourself out to be. Chances are you made her life pretty hard growing up and she has distanced herself from you on purpose. To avoid further pain and more importantly to protect her children from it.

Ask both your kids to visit you once a year.
You go visit them both twice a year.
Be happy that her in-laws are nice people. Don't feel hurt if she praises them...she's not saying it at your expense.
Tell her you'd like to see her and her family more often. No guilt. Just honestly.
Invite the kids over to stay with you for a week each summer....Grandma camp!
My mom plans something fun like taking the kids to a giant water park or renting a small beach house.
Offer to watch the kids while the adults go on a much needed getaway every year. My MIL watches our kids for a week every year so I can tag along with my husband to a conference. She lives in another state and flies here to do it...she offers every year.
Ask to spend Thanksgiving with them every other year...or Xmas.
If the house has no extra room get a hotel nearby.
Remember how insane life is with kids and working when you were in your 40s? I feel like I'm barely hanging on week to week...it's always so busy.
Also, make sure YOUR life is full and busy. Both my mom and MIL (both in their 70's) are sooo busy...volunteering, garden club, being on the board of some organization, book club, church groups, senior travel groups (my MIL has done two trips the last two years and met all these nice people), work (both still work part time), working out/yoga/YMCA classes and doing things with friends. My mom will go visit her SIL in another state and then go visit NYC. Or go meet up with girlfriends from high school and all stay in a BnB together. My MIL flies to visit each kid each year...usually more than once, meets her sisters for a sister trip each year, travels, and is very busy at home as well.
Their lives are very busy and full.
It sounds like you are depressed and are dwelling on negative things which is not healthy. Also, people don't enjoy being around someone who is feeling negative and sad. What are your hobbies? Passions? Can you help others in your community? Take a class? Get involved in some way?
If you are feeling lonely, reach out to others. Work on your friendships. Have a dinner party. Invite over someone who is living alone for a holiday dinner. Try to make some positive changes and keep communicating (in a positive way ) with your kids. Say, I'd like to visit you this spring. Let me know when it's a good week for you. Your family and the kids are so precious to me...it would make me so happy to spend some time with you all. Be a guest who offers to help...drive kids to activities, get the grocery list and run to the store when the adults are at work, ask if you can cook dinner for them the next night, ask the kids to teach you their favorite video game, play cards, help you bake cookies.
Good luck snapping out of this. I wish you well!

The most important sentence in here is your daughter telling you that it's your fault that you moved away from her. That in and of itself speaks volumes. She thinks you should finance two locations for her benefit. I wonder if everyone writing you here putting most of the blame on you noticed that sentence. It shows a big entitlement issue regarding your daughter and a particular amount of selfishness on her part.

I understand that you feel that it is appropriate to feel an obligation to the older generation in your family and to act upon it. However, your daughter has not learned that from you. And I know that part of what you are writing here is a lament for your generation in general, not just for you in particular. And you probably feel safer saying it here in front of strangers than saying it to your daughter. And, K., it's okay to say it here, no matter what flack you get for it.

You don't mention about your other childrens' habits in regards to hearing from or seeing them. I hope that they are with you more. That may just have to sustain you, though I know that a daughter is different than a son.

I think that the only thing you can do is go visit her and ignore the things she says. Either that, or find a hobby that occupies your mind and your time. You know already that talking to her about it isn't going to help. I'm sorry she is self-centered. And I hope that you have made provisions for yourself for someone to take care of you when you are no longer able to take care of yourself. For absolute sure, do not let her be your power of attorney in any way, shape or form. If none of your children seem capable or trustworthy, hire an attorney to do that and make sure that a trusted person calls the attorney if you end up in the hospital, unable to speak for yourself.

Time to lay your cards on the table. ASK your daughter why she doesn't make an effort to visit more often.
She may not be telling you that her husband is not willing to visit or his family is too demanding and expects them to always spend holidays with them.
Have you told her you are willing to travel to see her?

I'm sorry you are feeling left out of your family. I have to wonder what your family dynamics were as your "kids" were younger. Did you get together with family members often or rarely? Did they grow up knowing that family and extended family are important? I have three grown children and I know they are extremely busy with different work schedules, kids activities, etc. What we do and have done for years now is we attend as many of the grandchildren's activities as we possibly can. We go to baseball, football, soccer, choir concerts, robotics, dance competitions, etc. We are involved without taking any time out of their lives. We often go to lunch or dinner during these activities. This has helped us to maintain a great connection with our kids and we love every minute of watching the grandkids do their thing.

I think you should reach our to your children and tell them how you're feeling without being judgmental or needy. Ask them what you could be involved with. Being in your seventies is not the age it used to be. Get involved with things. Have a social life of your own so you have something to talk about when they call. Join your local senior center and go on their trips, etc. I hope you can fill your life with fun things! Life is to short to be home feeling left out.

Maybe she goes to see the in-laws bc the kids are older now so it’s easier. When you lived closer, were the kids babies or toddlers? Sounds like now you are further so go visit her. I have friends whose parents come from across the country all the time. If you’re in your 70’s, that’s young. You should be able to easily travel. More easily than a whole family coming to you. Mountain to Mohammad thing. Then when you go try to be fun and interested in your grandkids. Do what they like. My MIL is much older than you and my kids unfortunately don’t enjoy seeing her bc she doesn’t really engage with them. She’s so old it’s understandable but you’re not so you have time to understand what the kids are up to, do what they like etc so they want you to come visit. Let your daughter and SIL go out on their own too while you babysit.

Remember that she is teaching her children how to treat her when she is elderly.

Your daughter doesn’t have her priorities straight. I get you that it is a respect issue as many of these are basic and routine visits it is also a courtesy to invite you to family functions. Thus is the bare minimum expectation for your daughter to visit you and make the effort.

Call your daughter out on her lack of manners and disrespect. This is what she is teaching her children.