18 answers

K.C. asks from Texarkana, AR on February 28, 2011

Odd Relationship....

Hello ladies I have a odd story to share and would like sum postitive feedback, Me and my husband have a wonderful relationship but we worked thru alot of pain to have it. My husband is a Irish citizen and we spent 2 yrs apart for months at a time while getting my husbands greencard. Finally all that hard work and costly fees paid off and he has been in the states with me for 2 yrs and we now have a beautiful son together . Well my husbands younger brother just visited for 2 weeks from Ireland age 21 and apparently him and my younger sister 18 have been talking on facebook for over a yr and during his visit really hit it off. They have decided to be a couple and do the long distance thing ( he is coming back in april for 2 weeks and again for 3 months during the summer) I of course do not have a issue with their relationship but i do know how hard it was for me and my husband during our greencard process and we were married at the time. I of course do not want to express my concern to my lil sister at the moment bc she is so upset that he is gone for 2 months but i do feel her pain ..... So what do ya think i should do, of course if they r happy and wanna make this work i will be behind her 100% but i know how hard is was for me at 30 yrs old. I just dont think they fully understand the process of getting him to the US , should i sit her down and tell her the timelines , money and process of what shes getting into , our do i just let it be. I just dont want anyone hurt . Any suggesting on what you would say to a 18 yr old on long distance love .... Thanks ladies

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A.P. answers from Los Angeles on March 01, 2011

Best thing, and not just in this situation, is to stay out of it until she comes to you. You dont want to push her away by being the 'naggin big sister' even though you really wouldnt be, she may feel that way at 18. Let some time pass and let her bring it up to you and if the opp arises for you to share, share.

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J.L. answers from Minneapolis on February 28, 2011

There's nothing you can do. There's no guarantee for any relationship. And whether he gets a green card or not might be a moot point if he doesn't want to live here, let alone marry her.

I say don't put the cart before the horse. Let them be and see where things go from there.

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D.N. answers from Chicago on February 28, 2011

I would be her sister (not her mom) and just ask her how things are going and how she is feeling. Don't tell her she is doing the wrong thing or anything like that. No negativity. But let her know you know how hard it is. Let her know she has someone to talk to and turn to for advice. If this relationship does evolve into something more permanent, you can help guide her or them.

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A.P. answers from Los Angeles on March 01, 2011

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K.M. answers from Chicago on February 28, 2011

She is 18, and smitten, you can not tell her anything until she is ready to hear it. I suggest you tell her that you are happy for her and that when/if she has any questions or just needs an attentive ear to call you and only answer (short and sweet) the questions she asks. "I told you so" or "I warned you" is not going to be beneficial and I think you are already aware of that. In short, be there and let her experience this because your warnings may make her shy away from this and this may be one of the things that brings them closer together in the end.

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I.H. answers from Boston on February 28, 2011

While I highly doubt that she'll funny understand, I think it's your sisterly duty to at least sit her down and let her know. Tell her that you fully respect her wishes and know that she's in love and fully understand, at the same time you feel that it is your responsibility to at least let her know what your experience was like. As the younger sister, she needs to at least listen and then decide for herself, she is afterall an adult! Tell her everything: the good, the bad and the ugly. And then let her decide. That is ultimately ALL that you can do! We need to be left to make our mistakes in life sometimes.

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J.L. answers from Los Angeles on February 28, 2011

I think you should tell her when it reaches the point of things getting serious...as in marriage. You can sit her down for a cup of coffee (or whatever) and tell her you will be there for her, and help her understand the greencard process, because you have been through it. Just let her know when she's ready for all the info you are more then glad to discuss it.
Right now it's fresh love, and they will find ways to talk and communicate. After a few visits and him leaving she will learn to process the emotions of a long distance relationship.
Now...if she were to come to you and ask you, feel free to tell her, because she obviously wants to know. Good Luck to you! =)

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M.B. answers from Washington DC on February 28, 2011

Perhaps tell her about all the hassle when they get to a point in their relationship where it really does look like they may marry. I'd also say that they are too young to worry about this, but it would be hypocritical on my part. My husband and I have been together since we were 20...

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J.L. answers from Minneapolis on February 28, 2011

There's nothing you can do. There's no guarantee for any relationship. And whether he gets a green card or not might be a moot point if he doesn't want to live here, let alone marry her.

I say don't put the cart before the horse. Let them be and see where things go from there.

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B.D. answers from Pittsburgh on February 28, 2011

I wouldn't tell her anything unless she asks for your advice.

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L.D. answers from Las Vegas on February 28, 2011

18-year old girls who have fallen in love usually think that they have it all figured out and usually don't welcome unsolicited advise very well from women who have been there, done that. You could always drop little tidbits of information on her but I would make it appear that it's part of the conversation, not that you are giving advise or telling her what to do. Of course, this is still a fairly new relationship and they are very young. Whose to say that this will even last. I'd just keep casual about it and share the information you have but do so in a way that doesn't appear that it is directed at her.

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H.W. answers from Portland on February 28, 2011

Hi K.,

On a positive note: did you fully understand the green card process at the time or how difficult it would be for yourself and your husband? If not, would you have done things differently? Or maybe you did know and you decided to do it anyway and stuck with it, and now you've got your husband with you. Either way, it's pretty good, and I'm sorry you went through such a hard time.

I'd say, don't rain on your sister's parade, and don't make assumptions. She might not be as invested in the relationship as you think she is. Let her get to know him, and if it does come up that they'd like to be a couple and for him to emigrate here, maybe you could just tell her your own story. That it was hard, and you hope the best for them because they'll need it. This way, she's not getting the impression that you want her to break up with him (or the impression that *you* are too serious about their relationship), and will be more likely to be open and share with you. And offer to share anything that might help them make the process easier.

You sound like a caring sister. It'll turn out how it's gonna turn out. Best of luck!

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D.P. answers from Pittsburgh on March 01, 2011

Hmmmm...I understand your concern.
Your sister knows you've been through this and I'll bet when she wants information, time line, etc., you'll be the first person she seeks out!

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S.D. answers from Philadelphia on March 01, 2011

I think your sister is lucky to have you. Someone to vent to that really understands her situation. But that is all you can do. You already know you can't stop them from doing what ever they want no matter how crazy it seems to be. Your job as big sister is to listen, be understanding, to share what knowledge you have and not tell her what to do or to judge her for her choices.

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A.S. answers from Iowa City on March 01, 2011

Well....they are in the beginning stages of love, right? No need to discuss immigration quite yet (and who is to say she won't move to Ireland). If/When it gets to that point tell her your story (though I am sure she is aware of it) and take her to meet with an immigration attorney to discuss options (for instance a K1 fiance visa and adjustment of status from within the states (no separation that way) rather than K-3, etc.). If you think they are seriously planning a future together you might want to mention that they start saving money because, as you know too well, it is expensive to get all the filing fees out of the way and also DO NOT let him overstay his visa because he is just too in love to go back (more money and more time if he does). Good luck to your sister.

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S.S. answers from Houston on February 28, 2011

Wow, 18 is a little young. However, in overseas, they marry quite young. If the greencard issue was a problem with you guys, and you are close to your sister...speak up. Being honest with your sister will create either 2 things, hostility or she will be extremely thankful. Always tell her you are behind her. She will at least thank you for that.
Also, if you like the guy, show her that you are approving of the relationship, even if you aren't. The hardest thing about having an older sister with your seperation of years is knowing that your older sister has experienced what you haven't. It is pretty difficult trying to "live up to their standards." As always, every case is different when it comes to the Government. It may only take a while, compared to your long bout with Red Tape.
Talk to her gently. Tell her you are happy with the decision she is taking, and just let her know that you loved your husband so much it was so difficult waiting for that special moment of happiness when you got to see him again. She'll be happy with the respect and kindness.
Hope this helps

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R.M. answers from Cumberland on February 28, 2011

I think you should tell her-and I think she is too young to be in a commited relationship-what about school?

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V.S. answers from Charlotte on February 28, 2011

Let it wait a bit first. People your sister's age have a tendency to be fickle and not think ahead too much, although I was always the opposite of that. They generally don't take advice from their elders well, or listen for that matter. It might turn into nothing, but otherwise I would make it known what they're getting themselves into so it won't come as such a shock. They can go from there and come to a decision on their own.

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R.J. answers from Seattle on February 28, 2011

I think she's probably more aware of it than you were at the time, than most people are period. If someone had sat YOU down and explained how rough it would be... would that make it any easier? Or would it make it harder/ put more pressure on the relationship (to break up to avoid hardship, or to stay together/rush things to be 'stubborn')?

I think that commiserating is grand... but there's no need to put pressure on her/them by doing a "sit down" sort of thing... even casually over martinis / etc makes it a "big deal". I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue if it was MY sister... this is just Alice-Advice (I give myself such very good advice, but I very seldom follow it). Reason being, people tried to talk to ME about my LDRs when I was 17-19, and I swore I wouldn't return the favor, and yet... while I know the consequences of it... I'm sure I would open mouth insert foot.

Although... the thing about 18yo long distance is that the VAST majority of the fizzle... absence not making the heart go fonder, but forgetful.

You sound like an amazing sister... I'm sure whatever you say or not, it's going to be the right thing. Not that it won't tick her off, but the right thing in the right way.

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P.M. answers from Tampa on February 28, 2011

Could she not just marry him when he comes back in 2 months... and he stays while they complete the process after the marriage?

I'm married to a European also, and his visa had run out 2 years after we were together... so he'd been here for 1 year 'illegally' before we married and so far doing his greencard paperwork is not an issue.

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