Non Traditional Wedding Shower for Live in Couple

I think its a little tacky to ask for money toward their new house. Since they're already established, do a different kind of shower - cleaning (have everyone bring their favorite cleaning product and tip), recipe shower (everyone brings their favorite recipe), lingerie shower, etc. I had several showers when I got married the first time and one of my mom's friends did the cleaning shower and I got all kinds of great tips and tricks.

I don't like wedding showers to begin with. Why have an event with gifts to celebrate an event that is going to be happening and for which gifts will be given? I don't get it, but that's just me.

I think it is rude to ask people to supply money gifts only whether it be for a shower or the actual wedding. Just have the shower and allow people to gift whatever they like.

No. I would give them a gift from their registry. I will not help finance the down payment. If you don't have the money for the house, then you don't get the house until you have the full down payment, pmi, taxes, insurance, closing costs, etc. That's called delayed gratification instead of instant gratification.

Have a brunch or luncheon friend and family. Those who want to contribute to the down payment can or will the rest will not.

It is just creepy to think about a shower that would be for a down payment.

the other S.

I have friends who just got married in the same situation. They really enjoyed the registry gifts they got and put alot of thought into their choices. They didn't register for what they "needed", they registered for what they "wanted" to update their home together. I also know that they did get many gifts of $, as well.

I would let folks give what they want to give. Just make the shower fun. My couples shower was a scavenger hunt and was super fun!

Will the mortgage have everyone's name who contributed to this?

Tacky, and I've been in that situation. Most couples I know have lived together before they got married or one or both owned a home or at least had a well-furnished apartment already and didn't really "need" things per se. And yet they've had traditional showers where they've managed to register for some items. There are plenty of home items that don't last forever and need to be replaced, like linens and towels. Even if someone has china already (perhaps it's been inherited, which was my situation) most couples can use some nice everyday dishes or some extra serving pieces, kitchen gadgets, outdoor grilling accessories, etc.

And if they're looking to purchase a home, there are plenty of things that they don't have already. When my shower invites went out, the host included a card that said that we were registered at Crate & Barrel, Sears (because I have older relatives who I knew wouldn't shop at C&B) & Home Depot (yes they have a registry!) and that gift cards were welcome. We had just bought a house, had consolidated two apartments into one small home and had more stuff than space but knew that we needed practical home stuff so we registered for some things like gardening tools, grill accessories, and tools (really!) in addition to table linens, serving pieces, and traditional items. We had some duplicate gifts from Sears that we were able to return and buy the table saw that we really needed (we didn't register for that LOL) and we got some gift cards that helped with our renovation and new homeowner expenses.

No matter the reason, IMO showering people with money is just poor form. However, I will say that it seems that what is and isn't acceptable in terms of showers varies greatly from region to region so I would pay more attention to the answers that come from others who live in your area. It is not something that would be done here.

The thing about breaking with tradition, (which was a shower for a couple who were starting up a household), is that you don't get the traditional perks.
IMO, sorry, I'll give what I feel like giving to the couple and they can put it toward what they want. A shower for a house when others are in need, just seems like poor taste.

My older sister and her husband bought a home together 4 months before their wedding. They also lived together for several years before getting married.

My younger sister got married a month shy of her daughter's 4th birthday...to her daughter's father. They have lived together for 5 years.

Both of them got gifts - I think it's rude and tacky not to give people something to help celebrate. They are hosting an event for you and at the least they should get cash if not something off of the registry.

My husband and I did not get any gifts when we married, but it was a different situation and that's fine with us. We have our tenth anniversary vow renewals next year and again we are not pressed to have gifts...we just want our families to be able to celebrate with us this time around.

So yes, people should gift things to them, even if it's $25. How do you know it will go towards a house? It may go towards a bottle of wine on their honeymoon or breakfast at the airport on the way out of town. It doesn't matter what they use the gifts for, but I absolutely think gifts should be given.

I think you should be celebrating them getting married, but I don't think a wedding shower (of money) is appropriate. Perhaps you could host a brunch to announce their happy news or to celebrate. People that attend the wedding or close friends may choose to give them a cash gift for a wedding present.

What you are describing sounds like a fundraiser. I usually give gift cards or cash for wedding showers and weddings, but I don't like to be dictated on what to give.

I like Ronda's suggestion on having the couple register at a place that allows cash refunds for returned items. Or the couple could always register at Target and use any store credit from returns on groceries and other daily essentials.

It is perfectly acceptable to tell anyone WHO ASKS that the couple would like cash instead of tangible gifts. But it is never polite to specify what gifts the couple is willing to accept. I would be wondering why the couple is having a formal, fancy wedding instead of using that money to help pay for a house.

Shower - just do a traditional shower. With any wedding shower it is poor form to tell guests what to bring unless it is a themed shower (stock the bar, Bar-b-que, etc) and even then it is just a recommendation. If someone chose to bring fine china it is up to them:)

I'm not sure what I think about this. My guess is that if they cannot come up with a house down payment with their own resources, they aren't really financially ready to move into home ownership yet.

Showers are usually held before the wedding, right? So, are you suggesting that people would give a gift at the shower and THEN again at the wedding? As another 'live in couple who got married' person, I wouldn't have minded a girls night of gabbing and good food as my 'shower' and then gifts at the time of wedding. I'd be mortified that people were being asked to give gifts twice. The gift of a fun evening with the love and support of my girlfriends before marrying the man I'd been living with-- well, that would have been enough. And don't underestimate the value of the registry--- those are things *they* picked out, obviously because they want them or want to upgrade whatever they already have.

Get them something on their registry, however big or little you want to get.

As for those who are harping on the couple for living together (I know there are only a few of you): So are you saying that you do not want to support this couple through a gift? If so then don't get them a gift. But WHY EVEN BOTHER GOING to the wedding if you are just going to judge the couple?! I know couples who lived together but LIED to their "traditional" families about their situations, should they "deserve" a shower? Give me a break. You either support them or you don't but get off your high horse!

Put together a Luncheon. Don't push the money thing or gifts. Those who want will bring and those who don't wont.

I'm sorry but a shower is to help the couple with things that they need to start their life together. They decided to live together prior to marriage so they already have the stuff. I think a lovely brunch to celebrate would be nice. I would not want to contribute to helping them buy a home.

We typically just give cash for weddings, unless the couple has a substantial registry. If they don't want to flat out say "we'd love cash," I'd advise them to have a pretty bare bones registry that'd be filled quickly. Be default, most guests will then choose to give cash, rather than guess at what the couple might like.

...and no, I wouldn't have a shower for a couple who didn't need anything. Maybe invite more people to the rehearsal dinner or engagement party, but no shower if they don't need to establish a household.

Honestly I wouldn't get them anything. A wedding shower is for people who are just beginning their lives together.

Sounds like they have all they need, so maybe ask couple if they have a charity they would like for people to donate to in lieu of gifts? Some friends of mine in a similar boat asked folks to donate to http://www.heifer.org instead of giving gifts. I thought that was cool.

Honestly the money isn't a bad idea. It was your idea and it's not like they **asked** so why not. And if not that...do you have a particular skill your good at that you could offer up as a gift?

Have them register at a ore that allows cash back on returned, no receipt attached gifts. It seems tacky otherwise.

Are you asking because you are planning the shower or just thinking abut what you will give them?

If you are planning the shower, you can't tell people what to give, unless you go with a theme as already mentioned, like a recipe shower or cleaning shower. It is very tacky to ask for $$.

If you are looking for gift ideas...we sometimes ask for the name of the hotel where they plan to honeymoon then get them a hotel gift certificate they can redeem in the spa for a couples message or use for one of the adventures coordinated through the hotel, like snorkeling or other popular activity at the honeymoon resort.

I would think people will buy off the registry. Re: the wedding gift... I always give money. Don't most people?