Non-custodial Parent Seeking Advice About a 13 Yr Old Son That Won't Talk to Us

Hi A.,
I know this is not easy for you and your husband. I am on the other side of your situation and thought my children and I could share our situation with you. Three years ago my husband and the father of my two children left our home. he is now remarried and they have a one and a half year old son. Our children are Thirteen and Eleven. As hard as it is, I try to keep my hurt and feelings to myself. I thought that because our children liked their stepmom they would like to go between our two houses. They have our children every other weekend and for two hours on Wednesday. Needless to say I was wrong. Our children love their father, stepmom and brother very much. But, he has changed so much and there is so much resentment, that they pretty much never want to go. When they do go, they have fun and enjoy their time. But, they want to make the decisions. They dont want to be forced in to this. THESE CHILDREN DIDNT CHOOSE THIS! In turn, they want to feel in control of their decisions (it is the only control they have). We go to counseling and I have learned that even though they love their dad very much they dont trust him. He never calls when he is not with them, which is pretty much 99% of the time. Another thing my children say is when they go to their dads they dont feel like they belong because he is not the man they knew. They feel like they are visiting another persons dad and family. They wish their dad called every day even if they dont want to talk so they would know he still cares. They also say they wish he would spend time alone with him. Even though they love their stepmom and brother they feel left out of this new family. My children suggest your husband go to Sioux Falls and visit his son alone, so he could spend the quality time needed to heal their relationship. They also feel if you go to court you will loose him all together. To be honest with you, he is old enough to make most of his decisions when it comes to the court system. Dont get me wrong, his mother may not be perfect. But, she has been their since the day he was born and she is his security. I guess our suggestions to you would be for your husband (not you) to call every night no matter what. The conversation should be about him and his child not your husbands new family. We would also suggest your husband go visit his son, spend the time apologizing to him(even if he doesnt feel he has done anything wrong). His son needs to hear he is sorry, without excuses. This child needs to trust his father before he will ever feel comfortable coming to visit. If he ever agrees to come visit (he) should be able to say how long he is willing to stay. This may take a long time and will not be easy. If your husband really wants to be a part of his sons life then it can be done. Good luck with everything. We will keep you in our prayers. By the way, I have been accused of trying to dictate the situation. To be honest with you I want nothing more than my two children to spend as much time as possible with their father. But, I will not push our children into doing something they dont feel comfortable with. Although, I know that is hard to understand:o) I hope you find this helpful.

A.,

My advise would be to go for joint custody and vistitation. Call the State and ask them if they can help you with this situation. If he is paying Child Support and is current then he has every right to see his child and I know that is the law.

You need to look into this ASAP. If the child is not wanting to come for a visit then the Mom may be saying bad stuff about his father and planting seeds into his head. Who knows what she is telling him when the father isn't around.

Maybe he isn't getting the emails or the calls, the Mom maybe keeping them from him and then lying to you when you question her about it. Some parents will do this for control. I hope this is not the issue but you have no idea what is going on when he is not with you.

Hope this helps,
D.

I have to agree with karen .
I have a 15y old son and a 14 y old daughter.
A few summers ago, their dad wanted them to fly out for the summer. Up to that point, they spoke with him on the phone once every few months,and saw him maybe twice a year. They resented being expected to drop everything and go when he beckons. They felt they have a life here and they were not responsible for the divorce or having to live away from him so why should they pay.. Well two summers ago I forced them to go and it was a disaster.My son and his father got into a horrible fight and it ruined the whole time together.They could not get over it. When they returned home, my daughter cried and cried and said it was horrible, and she never wanted to go again. After talking with her, she just felt so uncomfortable and wanted to go home. She really loves her dad so she was afraid how to let him know she never wanted to go again.
I spoke with him and was very frank, told him how they felt. We agreed to have my ex come here to visit. With the money he would have spent on two tickets and on activities, he would come instead, and they would just not spend as much here. At first, he would stay at the hotel by himself, see the kids during the day, take them to soccer, football practice etc... at night he would bring them home.Now they lik to stay at the hotel with him. They like him being able to be a part of their lives, and meeting their friends.My daughter has even decided to spend a few weeks with him in Idaho this summer, however, my son has football camp, so his dad will come see him for a weekend(he also came out this past week to participate in a fathers and sons football game at school--HUGE for my son)He calls weekly now and is making a big effort to really be a part of their lives. My kids appreciate it and have a better relationship with him. I am so grateful my ex put his kids feelings first.I know it must have been hard for him and I respect that.For you to fight for more custody will only cause resentment. Your stepson is a teenager who does not like having his life interupted.He probably feels uncomfortable in your home, a unfamiliar place and with a dad he feels he just doesn't know as well.
Now, I too have step kids. My husband has four from his previous marriage. Three of them get along great with me and the oldest does not like me and has been resentful of his dad marrying me. We have been married for 11 years now and have kids together(YUp that's 10 altogether!)My stepson has never ever accepted me and that is alright. If he does not want to do something with us, we do not push it. My husband calls, emails on a regular basis. He makes sure that he spends one on one time so that Eric does not have to deal with me if he does not want to .Over time this has gotten better.He is much kinder towards me and has wanted to be apart of family activities. I think as he has matured, he has been able to accept things and come to terms.
Teenagers are hormonal and selfsh. They did not ask to be put in this situation.My advice DON"T PUSH IT! be apart of his daily life as much as pssible, email, text, call, send your husband out by himself for games etc...let them rebuild a relationship.
I know it is hard. I've been there on both sides. The good news is it get easier over time!
Good luck,
L.

Hi A.,

First let me start by saying that I do feel your pain. My step son also is only with us rarely and it has gotten less as he has gotten older and is involved in a lot of sports. His mother was also very controlling and dictated when we saw him. We took her to court and things only got worse. Unfortunatley you can't force him to come and see you, and it won't make him resent her it will make him resent you. My sister is actually going through exactly what you are going through right now. Her husbands son quit coming over entirely about two years ago, he will keep in contact with the rest of the family but not his Dad. All you can really do is let him know that you love him and that you will be there if he changes his mind.

As far as the issue of her being a good mom or not, should not be judged by how many children with how many fathers. Perhaps there are other things that make you feel this way, but to state such a thing is very judgemental. My Mom always told me that you should not presume to judge someone by what you see on the surface and that until you have walked a mile in their shoes you do not know if you would have handled it any different.

Good luck and God bless

D.

Hi A.,

I acknowledge you for posing this question on Mamasource. I have no doubt that you will have plenty of support for this tough situation.

My immediate response was to read your post from the perspective of your 13 year old stepson. Like my 13 year old son, he is no doubt busy with friends, school, and sports. Unlike us as adults, he only sees what is immediately in front of him. If your husband hasn't been too involved up until now, can we blame him for not really feeling connected to him and "his" family?

I have a few questions for you and your husband. They may feel harsh and I apologize in advance, if they do. Consider it "tough love"! ...and, as you answer these questions, take a few moments to see the situation from your step son's young and natural perspective.

How often does your husband attempt to call or email? HONESTLY? Is it an "obligatory" every couple of months or is it on a regularly scheduled basis like once a week or a couple of times a month?

What is the tone and intention of these calls and emails?
Are they to let him know how and what you are all up to? Do you include photos of your family in the emails so that he can grow to feel more connected to all of you? Does your husband ask questions so that your son is engaged in the "conversation" and is compelled to respond? Have you called or emailed just to say hello without the conversation needing to center around him coming for a visit?

Kids can sense our motivation behind communication, even if we don't directly speak to it. If he isn't already, encourage your husband to call and email from a purely loving place - no agendas or expectation that his son will respond. No conversation or requests to come see you (at least until there is a healthy relationship established). Remember that he is the child and you are the adult. His disappointment and disconnect with you will fade in time if your efforts and genuine lovefilled communication never waivers.

How about a good ol' fashion letter sent via snail mail? There is something so personal and warm about handwritten letters. (Again, not just once)

How often or does your husband travel to see him? Seriously? Has his dad shown a dilgent effort to become involved in his life in Sioux Falls? Has he made it to any sports games? Has he been invited to and attended any school events?

I understand that it is not always easy or convenient to take off work and leave you and the little one's; however, this would demonstrate a true interest in his son's life and would naturally encourage him to want to know more about, and be with all of you, more frequently. And, let me be clear, I'm not talking about a "token" one time visit with the "see, I came to see you, now you have to come stay with us!" With as damaged as this relationship sounds, it may take several months to a few years of dad showing more of a consistent and unconditional effort.

Have you ever offered to meet on neutral territory? Imagine what it would be like for your step-son to come to your home and community and feel like an odd ball or fish-out-of-water. In his mind, everyone wonders who he is and how he does/doesn't fit into your life - again, even if people aren't asking those questions directly, kids can sense the judgement and opinions that we have... especially if everyone "tries" to be overly nice. I've saved this question for last because while it might be the easiest one to try first, at this point, it won't work. I strongly recommend that this idea only be thrown out there when your husband and son have improved their communication and he's showing an interest in being with all of you again.

I hope this helps offer some new perspectives and options. If I can be of further support or help clarify my view, please let me know.

I wish you all many happy years together as a family.

K.

A.,
There could be a lot of reasons why he doesn't want to come. At that age they have more fun with their friends than parents. Maybe he thinks he'll be bored. No offense, I'm a step mom too, but when he comes out will he be hanging out with you mostly while your husband is at work? If he doesn't spend much time with his dad and doesn't have much to talk about with him he might be dreading hanging out with you even more. Let him know what you have planned, is there a mini-camp sports related he could go to?
A mom will not force a child to go to their dad's unless the court says so. That won't change. You will have to adjust the custody. If he is all paid up, they should give him more time. We have to go to court sometimes and it only costs the filing fees because we don't have lawyers. But, we did come to an agreement before we went to court.
It's hard not to be upset at the mom but remember she is only protecting her son. If he has tried to make a difference in the last 7 years, you have to remember they both still remember the first 7. He's basically visiting a stranger if he only sees him 3 weeks a year. I would encourage your husband to call everyday. Eventually, he'll talk to him.
Good Luck!

Your husband has legal rights and should excersice them now! The boy is getting older and it will not get better until you can activley get your hands on it.

I understand what you are going through. At this time my husband & I are going through a custody fight for his daughter. Her mother is not letting us see her until the whole thing is over. My husband pays his child support & errars so we have a right to see her. She is upset with my husband because we also didn't start seeing her until paternity was established & she was 7 years old. Her mother fought us about establishing paternity. She too has other children, in fact she has 7 more children from 4 different men. We just leave everything to our lawyer. I think that would be the best way. I feel that the only people that are getting hurt are the kids. We also have 4 other kids & they enjoy spending time with their sister. My advice is take her back to court. Your family has every right to try to get to know him. I think he just needs a little more time to get to know his other family. Reassure him that you guys love him & want to take care of him. Remember his is 13...pre-adolecents. Good luck & take care.