New Job but Kids Miss me..what's a Mom to Do?

P., In my particular case my children are dealing with abandonment issues, yet this is what i found is working for us. In the morning when I drop the kids off at daycare i speak with each child about what we will do after daycare. In my case making dinner. i would talk to my 4 yr old briefly and ask what he wanted for dinner, adn if he would like to help make it. then my 7 yr old we would discuss that the 4 yr old wanted "spagetti" for dinner.

I did this for 3 weeks or so, before the tears stopped in the morning, and Ii am able to give all 4 kids hugs and kisses and walk out the door.

Another then I had done, because i am a single mom, is have each kid be in charge of a meal 1 night a week, that gives me a chance to spend time with each of them individually as well.

All I can say is that we all have days like this. It will get better and you could try and do some extra special things. They are developing a great relationship with their grandparents. Good luck.

You didn't mention whether you are already on your way to work when Dad takes them to the GP's. If you are still at the house when they leave, they may not realize you really are going elsewhere where they are not allowed. Video tape or take pictures with a cut out doll that will resemble them, take the doll to work, show them that the doll had no fun even though the doll stayed near you all day, "girly" had to sit in a break room or sit still at your desk ALL DAY.
I know it kind of makes you feel needed by your "babies", but in truth what quality time would they have while at your work? They would miss all the fun stuff they experience with grandma and grandpa. As a GP myself phone calls during the stay help the kids know mom is thinking about them. Keep them updated on the days schedule and follow through. They will adjust and follow your lead. Believe me the kids have a ball at grandma and grandpa's
Another strategy I have used is to point out things that they enjoy, and let them know that the trip to McD's or order out pizza wouldn't happen. This teaches them that money is earned, not just around, everything takes money.
Keep them looking forward to school, by letting them know soon they will be responsible for doing their "job" of learning. Have them sit with you when you are paying bills.
Use this time to teach them some of the facts of life.
What it is that you value and how you deal with what the world values. Good Luck and best of success.

I recently went back to work also but I was very positive about it and I think the kids picked up on that. I said things like, "It's exciting to use my education to support my family." When I bought groceries I would say, "Look what I was able to buy with my work money. I am so proud of myself!" Keep the guilty feelings to yourself and focus on the positive. I hope you all get adjusted soon and CONGRATULATIONS on the new job!

Hi P.,
Congratulations on the new job. I know this adjustment period can be so tough, but hang in there. It really does get better!
I just read an article about this very subject and it mentioned a few things. Like Georgia H. mentioned, be sure to stay positive with your kids. Let them know you miss them, but try not to say things like "Mommy wishes she didn't have to work too!" This is a great opportunity to teach them about what it's like to be a working person, and explaining all the things you like and how good it feels to help the family will help form positive attitudes towards having a job. Give them some details about your day and what parts you really like, what makes you feel good about yourself. Certainly validate their sadness and you can admit some of your own, but spin it toward the positive and don't make work the villain. Also, make plans with them for when you are together. Let each child plan something they really want to do with you on the weekend and maybe make Friday night movie/pizza night to signal the start of the weekend together. If they know you are happy and confident about the new situation and are there for them and planning fun things to do together, it should help a great deal. And in the meantime, know that after you leave there are probably few tears and they are well loved and cared for. How lucky that you have g-parents able and willing to help.
Finally, (sorry this is so long-winded), give yourself a big break. We make ourselves feel guilty so easily and really you are just doing the best thing for your family at this time and doing it thoughtfully. Stay at home moms feel guilty for losing their patience more easily, for having to put off their kids while they clean and grocery shop and do laundry. We try to make every moment a "teaching moment" and household chores inclusive and fun! None of it works all of the time no matter what your job situation, there are pros and cons to stay at home and full time and everything in between. The bottom line is, you love them and they will be fine. And so will you! Best of luck.

I'm a stay at home mom who runs my own daycare, and I have also sent my children off to preschool. So, I have experienced these feelings many times myself, and seen it in the families that I work for. There is a great book called "The Kissing Hand" that is really great for these situations. Also, I would recommend for the kids to carry a picture of the family in a ziploc bag. THat way, when they get sad, they have something to remember you by, and they can see you. I've also done tricks like, give out sweetheart candies. We've read the verses before my kids go off to school. So, I give them a hear to help them remember that I love them. Plus, it puts a sweet in their mouth, and that usually helps the crying as they are trying to suck on a small piece of something sweet. I think once they have an easier time of it, you will find yourself coping with it too. If during the transition time of all of this, maybe you could do a special date day with your 8 year old. If you take the time out to remind her how special she is, she may feel more secure. Good luck. It's a tough balancing act to figure out.

I'm sorry to hear things are so tough, but most often families don't have much a choice about work. I'm a parent and also work as a child and family therapist. I'm sure your children do miss you dearly and it sounds like you miss them the same! It's important to let them have their feelings about it and avoid trying to convince them otherwise, etc. You can tell them you'd rather be with them, but you have a new job and this is the hours they have you work. They don't have to like it, but they still have to follow the new schedule. Try to be understanding of their feelings and that you'll be thinking of them while you are at work, and they can think of you. Their minds are still very immature, it you can expect their inability to understand the financial implications of working, etc. and just their angry feelings about not having you around them so much. Clearly, they are happy and healthy children as you mean so much to them. You can also emphasize that you can help them best when they are able to tell you about their hard feelings (not act them out).

You can find little ways to continue to help them with the transition. Some ideas are to send picture of the you together in their lunch, backpack and at their grandparents, as well as little notes, cards, a cute sticker, anything. The point is that they will be reminded that you are thinking about them and care deeply about them, even when you are not with them.

Best,
A.

Thought you might like to know that I was a SAHM and at times still felt guilty. Somehow we get the message that what we do for our children is not enough. There is a tool you can learn called EFT (emofree.com) that allows you to relieve uncomfortable feelings like guilt.
In the meantime it might be helpful to focus on how wonderful it is that your children's grandparents are willing and able to care for them. Oh and although it can be uncomfortable for you it's healthy to allow your children to express their feelings.

Isnt your 8 year old in school? That should take her mind off you since you were not there with her previously. For your son, maybe you can enroll him in a program where he is with other kids instead of sitting with the grandparents and that will help his mind too.

Make sure that YOU feel good about what you are doing with your days, and they will pick up on that confidence and assurance. We all have our jobs to do in our families - yours is to help support the family and keep up your job skills and knowledge. Theirs is to learn and play in school and preschool. Plus, they get to spend time with grandparents! How cool is that?

There are a lot of little things you can do to help - I used to draw a "kiss" on my son's arm in the morning to remind him that I was thinking of him during the day. But I really believe the most important thing is for you to act cheerful and confident about your family's choices and the kids will follow your lead in time. Good luck!

This is such a h*** o*e. There is nothing you can really do other than comfort them when they need it and keep telling them why you are working, so that you guys can have and do the things you have. I have been a working mom since both of my children were born. I have a 4 and 2 year old. It is so hard to leave them everyday. Some days they cry and other days they are just like, bye mom! It's hard and the guilt is incredible, but you just have to remember why you are doing it and spend the time you do have at home with them. It gets better. It's hard.

P.,

Since you have to work...you have no choice. My advise is that you spend QUALITY time with them when you are home. Make a moment everyday special with and for them.

As a Mommy...and a woman, we have PhD's in guilt. Your children will be OK...I promise. They will get it someday. Now it is too much for them to understand. I can't tell you how many things I notice now and say...so that is why my Mom did that.

Best of luck to you and yours. It will work out. Give it some more time.

Sincerely,
D.
Mom to 1 4yo boy and triplet girls age 1

Hi P., When my kids were that age and I had to leave them with a sitter, I felt terribly guilty...I was grateful when they started shcool, so, they didn't feel like I left them so long...it was hard when they were little and when they got older it was even harder...wish they were little again and I only had those concerns about them again! I do hope that you will find peace knowing that they are with family members and are well taken care of. Love, Jo
P.S The good thing about it is, now that my children are adults themselves, they have become very good workers. My kids still talk about the things they use to do while being with Mom and how she would make their favorite foods for them.

I went back to work shortly after my kids were born but there is always that bit of me that wants to stay home. Sometimes you look at them and think of what you are missing. While it is true your kids are probably the saddest and miss you the most just as you leave them, and probably cry the most at that point, they may not be upset the entire day. Though that is not saying they don't miss you. If possible, leave something with them that belongs to you or pictures they can look at through out the day. If you can, keep pictures on your desk or work space if possible. I also call home when the kids get home from school to see how things went..and remind them to start their homework and do their chores. Make a little time after work to jsut play. When I get home, I don't start dinner until I have been able to talk to them even though that means eating around 7:30 or even later. It gives me a chance to connect with them and unwind myself. On weekends, it is really hard with everything else that has to be done, try to do something with them that does not involve "getting things done".

I was going to reply to this, but after reading the responses Georgia H. and Cathy S. gave such fantastic advice! Right on, ladies!

Not only do you have the opportunity to demonstrate to your children how you're contributing to the family and bringing in much more money that likely helps keep the family afloat, you are also giving them the fantastic gift of time with other wonderful, supportive adult role models.

P.,

My heart goes out to you. I remember when I started back to work full time (my kids were 9, 7 and 3 - now they are 18, 16 and 12). My daughter (7) was especially heartbroken and I felt awful. I gave the kids a picture of us together (laminated) to remember me by and sometimes put little notes / smiley faces in their back packs / lunches to help. When my daughter got older, I was able to give her my cell number and tell her should could call me (and later text) anytime she needed to and I would answer if I possibly could. She started to call every day when she got home from school and my colleagues used to laugh and say they knew it must be 3:30! Another tip - once in awhile, when I could, I took off early and surprised the kids with an early pick up and a movie, McDonalds, etc. I knew we were over the hump when one time they cried because they did not want to leave their friends. A friend gave me some advice that I will always remember (she stayed at home): Your kids will pick up on your feelings. If you are unhappy or uncertain about your choice (or need) to work or stay at home, your kids will notice and they will feel this as well. Getting yourself comfortable with the need to work and that they will grow and benefit will go a long way to getting them comfortable. Good luck!

I too have gone through this when I worked at different places and dropped my children off. But then I worked at a daycare center. And unless the grandparents are stating that they cry all day without reprieve I would like to assure you that often times they miss you when they see you. Yes, they miss you when they see you. So they may miss you a lot when you leave them. And they cry for a little while (usually not long at all) and then when you come back and get them they suddenly realize they still miss you but they usually forget to miss you a lot during the eight hours you are away because they are playing and resting and eating and sometimes we are so worried and they really do just fine. So I wasted a lot of years on worrying. Unless you are told they are sick or that they spend entire days in a corner facing the wall in a zombie like stare, we must tough it out so to speak. Well, now I have to tough out older boys leaving for long periods of time. And I join you on that one, I still sit in the car and cry sometimes.

Hi P.,
I totally understand how you feel, I am a mom of two children. The best thing I could tell you is to make the time meaningful for you and your kids. I know that there has been the ageless debate over working moms v. non-working moms and which group is more beneficial to kids. However, the harsh reality is that many families don't have a choice. Some mothers have to stay at home for childcare purposes and some have to work because of financial needs. Either way I believe parents have to make the best of the time they have with their kids. Also, if you and your kids could think of a few activities they can do while you are gone that could be helpful. And trying to call them or they call you once a day might really help. Just hang in there, it will get better. You are doing the right thing!

Happy New Year!