Needing Help with Defiant 3 Year Old!

My oldest daughter started acting up about 8 months ago. I have a benefit because I know the cause (or at least PART of the cause) of this phase -- I've had 3 more kids in the past 22 months, so she went from being an only child for almost 3 years to all of a sudden having all these little sisters around fighting for attention.

My techniques don't work every single time (what does?) but I've been pretty successful.

When Sarah is being polite and well behaved, I load on the positive attention and give her some extra one-on-one time. I also use this opportunity to teach her about treating people the way she wants to be treated. No name calling, no hitting, taking turns with her sisters, being respectful, being polite and answering someone when they are talking to you (her biggest problem!).

When she's whining, I tell her "I can't understand you when you whine. Please talk to me like a big girl so I can help you."

If she's being difficult or annoying (but not harmful), I usually ignore her behavior. For some reason, she likes attention, even if it's negative. So if I don't give her an audience, she will change her attitude and try something else.

When she's harmful or disrespectful, she goes to the corner for a time out. (Again, there's no audience but there are consequences.) If she hasn't pulled herself together when the timer goes off in 3 minutes, she gets another minute to calm down. Then she must apologize and hug the person that she tormented.

To try to avoid these meltdowns, I stick to the schedule as much as possible. Every afternoon, when the 3 little ones are napping, Sarah goes to her room for "quiet time". She doesn't have to nap, but she does need to wind down. At least half the time she does end up falling asleep. I can definitely tell a difference on the days that we're away from home and she doesn't get her quiet time.

Have you tried removing yourself from the situation if you're getting overwhelmed? I've done that before. And I don't always hide it from her. I say "Mommy's going to take a break and when I come back, we're going to talk about ______. I want both of us to calm down so we can understand each other." That explanation has helped her realize that I am upset. I'm not running away and she's not getting away with it -- it will simply be addressed when we've both had a moment to settle down.

At for crushing her spirit, I don't think you have to worry about that. Teaching her to behave and be respectful won't crush her -- it will just make her stronger. Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful

Diane gave some very good advice which I also try to follow with my spirited 3 year old.
One of the key points to remember is to stay calm. You can make the situation worse by battling with a 3 yr old and you will never out last them.
The one thing I would add is the 1-2-3 Magic also worked for us. We found that daughter is very bright but impulsive so if she is acting up and I start to count she usualy makes the right choice by the time I get to 2. There are things that are "deal breakers" like hitting, spitting... that they go right to time out but for most things I ask her 3 times to stop and if she doesn't then she goes to time out. The other thing is consistency, if you start to count you better be prepared to pick her up and take her to time out. It is not always easy but they know when you don't back up what you say.
Good luck

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My son is the EXACT same way! He was such a sweet two year old and just turned three and it has been incredibly challenging! We use 1-2-3 Magic with mixed results,constantly teach appropriate behaviors and do use some time-out but limit that. My son is pretty bright and quite verbal but has been a challenge. Our issue is going out with others, he likes to push where he is pretending to be a car, has a hard time sharing and taking turns. We go out, but I have to be prepared as it is very stressful. Good luck, if you want to chat would love to!
T.

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I was about to recommend Alfie Kohn's books until I just saw Ann Marie did also:) I don't have much time to respond, but I just had to offer some encouragement and assure you that nurturing and preserving your daughter's spirit is a valid and worthwhile goal.

You will get no shortage of advice telling you to go the reward/punishment, supernanny route and that stuff works as far as controlling another person's behavior and causing them to act from the externally motivated place of avoiding punishment and pleasing authority figures (which is what most of us learned from our parents). But think about what kind of treatment motivates you to be your best self- especially on a day when you're not feeling/acting your best? Just like us, children want to be given the benefit of the doubt and treated with kindness and understanding. When you really think about the things that motivate the very best from people: trust, respect, connection, understanding, etc, you can see why reward/punishment models accomplish little more than surface, behavioral results. As you'll see in Kohn's books, the child development research out there supports this as well.

Your daughter will learn to listen and be respectful by being listened to and respected. There's no shortcut and it may not be as neat and pretty as those kids who follow the "rules" because they've learned the "consequences," but it will be deeply rooted and authentic when allowed to develop gradually in an environment of freedom, respect and connection.

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Check out the following books: "Smart Love" by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper and "Unconditional parenting" by Alfie Kohn. These books are full of great summaries on clinical research on child development. It sounds like you little one is somewhat stressed. The best you can do is to avoid giving her any time outs - no punishments or rewards and instead give her more hugs etc and look for the triggers that are stressing her. Also, for many children 3 is a harder age than 2. The books by Ames and Ilg are pretty good on this topic. they have a book for each year ie 1 yr olds, 2 yr olds, 3 yr olds. for the hitting and spitting etc, it is hard but keep telling her why she shouldn't do that and model a gentle alternative. Good luck.

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Diane said it all! Well done!

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You should read "1, 2, 3 Magic!" I found that it improved our situation of terrible threes significantly.
And it can be used with the older children as well.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

All kids are different. But my three year old acts that way when he's feeling ignored, hungry, or tired. Lots of hugs, attention and boundaries help. If I'm angry or frustrated and yelling a lot, he just reflects me and acts poorly.

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try the mirror trick tell her to go stand in front of a mirror and see how silly she looks it worked om my grand child kc

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I think that I will take Diane's advice for my 3 yr. old. She has been acting up too. I hope it works for you & me. Good Luck!!
L. W.
A SAHM of 4 ages almost 11, 9, 5 & 3. Part-time sitter of 2 boys ages7 & 3.

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This isn't really advice but a light at the end of the tunnel. As a three year old my son has been everything you described above, he is going to be four in three weeks and his behavior has changed dramatically for the better recently. He's developing a conscience, and realizing people have feelings and it's not all about him. He still has his moments but I can really see a difference. I'm sure you remember this from your other kids, but I wanted to give you an exact time you can expect things to get better, if it helps at all. Hang in there, it's enough to make any mommy lose it.

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SUPERNANNY, SUPERNANNY, SUPERNANNY. I can't seem to say it enough. Watch it on Friday nights on a.b.c. It teaches all the techniques a mom and dad need to handle these out of control kids. I don't bleieve that's normal behavior for a 3 year old. I've only seen this of late, never when i raised my kids or any of my friends kids. I think children today have too much to play with and not enough structure to keep them occupied and they strike out everywhere...you're the one being hurt and that one time darling little child. Hope this helps mommy; honest.

1 mom found this helpful

My son just turned 3 and he is the same way. He was an easy baby and now he is very demanding and tries my patience all the time. But im sure it is a phase and try my best not to yell at him. I use time outs and taking toys away. It seems to work. I think it is just their age and them wanting independence. Hang in there.

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this is something that i struggle with as well, I have to walk away from her b/c it is so frustrating. I wish i had an answer for you. Hang in there.

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My daughter is three also and we are dealing with the same issue you are (it's like having a preview to the teen years!). I joke know that whoever said that it's the "terrible twos" obviously hadn't reached the threes yet. It's very normal all the kids in my moms group are dealing with the same thing. I know it's hard to deal with but what i try to do especially when I hit my frustration level is to try and see things through my daughters eyes. All day long someone is making decisions for them and they just need to feel some control in there lives. Plus they still have a hard time controlling there emotions. I'm told this will pass so the best advise I can give you is stock up on chocolate to make it through the day lol.

1 mom found this helpful

Three was really the testing age for my daughter and the little boy I babysit- Just be firm and consistant- I find that if I nip it in the bud, then I am more able to keep my temper, it is when the whining goes on and on and on... then I snap! I swear in one week I put the two of them in constant time outs for about two days for backtalk, hitting, etc. but after they knew I was serious about following through, it seemed to taper off- she is 4 now and doing great!

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There is a place called "Tuesday's Child" in Chicago that offers parenting classes. My daughter and I attended an eight-week series there on Saturdays. I was in a group class with other parents, led by a child psychologist, while my daughter was next door with other kids. The classes improved our interaction. I then found "Love and Logic," which has a similar philosophy. The organization has a website you can check out. Materials such as books, newsletters, and audio are available. I bought my L&L books at Border's. There is one titled something like "Love and Logic: Preschool to Six" that helped me help my daughter through her "terrible threes." My daughter is now six, and I still use TC and L&L's techniques, which are positive, loving, and effective.

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You have to read "How to really love your child" by Ross Campbell, MD...it will change both of your lives :).