Need Help Getting My Daughter to Stop Kicking and Hitting

You say this only happens at home, this is when she has to Share you with the baby. How old is the baby brother? When did this pattern (hit/kick) start? She is three years old, have her play the part of the BIG sister and have her help with the baby stuff...get the diaper, help with the bottle (if the baby is on the bottle). She might be acting like this because she feels left out. She has been the only one for awhile now this "person" comes in and all attention goes to him. If she is helping you she might not feel like hurting her brother. Include not exclude is all I'm saying. Hope this works.

Bearing in mind that kids are better parent trainers, than we are kid trainers, you might want to modify what you're doing.

Since she's clearly aware of what she's doing I'd suggest that, during a quiet moment, before an outburst, you sit down with her, explain that what she's doing in not OK, and that if she chooses to do it you will . . .. and that she get's one chance, that if she does this more than once in a row she's done playing with the other kids for the afternoon, and she'll be spending the day alone in her room. Also, when you put her into her room, keep your talking to a minumim. Since she'd doing this for attention don't give it to her. If she ask's why, have her tell you what you said during your quiet minute, pointing out that since you'd told her the rules, she has made the choice to go to her room. Put it on her, and then leave the room. On that note, clearly, what you're doing is not working. She must be held accountable. I'd suggest that she do more than verbally apologize. At that age, it's ususally meaningless. She must give the other person one of her "special" things. If it's an adult or older child have them choose it. If it's a baby you do it. Also, I would not let her go right back out and play. After she's done screaming I'd go in, tell her how sad and upset her behavior makes you, and tell her that she must draw an apology picture etc. and that when it's done you will consider letting her play again, but that she must earn that right.

Also, when you put her in her room don't let her play with her toys. In our house, in your room means you're sitting on your bed. You might want to consider a time out chair facing a corner. Trust me, it's really boring to them.

I would also help her verbalize her anger. When she say's she's going to hit someone sat somthing like "wow, you must be really angry, what's up?" Let her know that it's OK to be angry, but that she needs to find another way to act it out.

Clearly she's dealing with the sibling issue. If it were my child I'd find a good play therapist and get some help dealing with this.

Good luck!

Hey Mary, it seems to me there is no strong discipline for her behavior, spanking does not teacch a child to hit, what child do you know who hits another hits them on the butt none. By holding her hands and feet, you are frustrating her more, and telly her that hitting is not OK is using to many words, for a child that age. If your younger child see her doing this with no REAL consinquences, chances are they will do the same. J. Mother for 24years

Try positive reinforcers instead of always consequencing when she does it. Explain it is not ok to hit and kick and that every day she plays nicely without hitting or kicking then she will receive a reward (stickers, candy, special time with a parent, watch a special movie). Start small like a reward for making it a few hours and then increase the time. Use a visual chart that she gets to put a sticker or smiley face on everytime she succeeds. After so many stickers, then she can earn a bigger preselected prize. Make sure she gets to pick the prizes (within reason) so she will but into wanting to do it.

You're doing everything right--remember part of this is frustration in communication---and part--is attention-getting. I would IMMEDIATELY remove her from the situation--as in time-out--and if that's in her room then fine. Don't say a word. Don't even say why you're doing it. She gets it by now. Set the timer for 3 minutes. THEN and ONLY then do you talk to her. You ask if she's ready to play nicely without hitting/kicking--if she says no--another 3 minutes. Now--she may want to play by herself in her room after the first 3 minutes--that's fine. She can come out. Don't worry about the other child--each child has their own personalities and behaviors--it may be the same as this--it may be something completely different. The bottom line is this is unacceptable. Hang in there--it DOES pass!!!!

Dear Mary,
Attention is attention whether it is negative or positive. Your daughter is getting something out of it that she likes which is probably "the attention." I suggest just after these outbursts that you leave the room immediately. Don't say anything, just up and leave. If she hits your son, ignore her and focus on your son and remove yourself and him from the room. She will come looking for you when she has settled down and use that time to talk to her. Don't talk to her when you are heated, angry or frustrated. Wait until the dust has settled and both you and her are calmed. Best of luck. We battled this too!
Love,
J.