Need Advice from Parents of 3 Kids (Or Is a Sibling of 3) - Los Angeles,CA

"When we had our two kids, traveling was not possible because we chose for me to be an SAHM. Hence, we have been living on 1 income. Once I get a full-time job, my income alone would take care of all of our travel needs. We have managed to live on one income and so my job will be extra "play money".

Ok I know you don't want advice on having three children - but your post sounds so much like a caller on the Suzy Orman show == that I can't help but hear Suzy scream: "Play money!! Don't you know a third child means extra expenses! Shouldn't you be saving up for college? And your retirement?! Denied!!!"

So while I won't give advice about having three children -- I do question whether you are being realistic about your finances -- particularly after reading your previous posts. In one, you state that "times are tough" and you are trying to look for ways to avoid paying a $700 past due hospital bill for your child's birth. In another post, you raise concerns about speech delays with your children -- but say a full evaluation for them is "not possible at this time". I don't know if that's because you can't afford the money, or the time - but certainly you'll have less of both with a third child.

What I do wonder most about, however -- is why you chose to be a stay at home mom for your first two children -- but are OK with not being a stay at home mom for your prospective third child. It seems that the main motivator for this is the desire to travel -- and I question how you'll truly feel going back to work full time with an infant -- when that is so substantively different from how you raised your first two children.

6 moms found this helpful

<grin> You're essentially describing my childhood.

3 kids was the max my mum chose to travel with alone; 1 in the backpack, and one for each hand. That said, she took the 3 of us all over SE Asia (we were stationed in Japan, and every chance she got she popped us onto a plane, train, or boat and took off with us. Hong Kong, Singapore, Guam, S.Korea, Phillipenes, Hawaii, Thailand... if there was a SpaceA flight, we were on it. We also went up the length and breadth of Japan... from the hotsprings in the snow of Izu Wakimatsu, or snowfields of Hokaido... to the southern islands, Kamakura with it's bells as big as houses rung with tree trunks to the bustle of Tokyo. When we lived in the Far East, my Dad was out to sea 6-9mo at a time, and we were off on our own adventures 3-6 mo out of every year. When we were stateside, we'd pile into the car and just drive. 1500 miles, 3000 miles, you name it.

LOVED IT. (Except for a 2 year period where I was just a git, because I didn't want to leave my best friend, and became a major pain in the neck -age 10 & 11)

((In fact, for my son's early years, I duplicated it. I've been more than a bit remorseful that the past 3 years have been pretty sedentary... In fact, I had to cancel a 8 week trip to Argentina this fall (Cost: 2k)... Israel & Egypt the year before that for 6 weeks (cost $5k), and the Balkans/Turkey the year before that for 8 weeks (cost 2.5k) as well as a few other short trips. It's especially irking because we've been homeschooling for all 3 of those years, so theoretically could have just up and left whenever, taking our books with us. Well. Needs must. This year it was medical expenses, last year it was a tax screwup, the year before... ah well. We'll get there.))

After 3 kids, my mum wouldn't travel on her own anymore, but waited for my dad to be able to come with us... or took us singly to different places. Trips with mum were *always* coveted, but family trips were the best. Airplanes and hotels and hostels were second homes. As a matter of fact: Home is where your pillow is in my book.

My mum's experience on 3+ kids is this: 2 kids is 5 times the work of 1, 3 kids is half the work of 1. 4 kids onward is easier and easier at HOME; but when traveling one keeps wandering off and giving her heart attacks.

I have FAR too many personal experiences as a child to share just off the top of my head. Languages, people, places, my family... I had an absolutely GOLDEN childhood. I never understood people who didn't like climbing into cars/ trains/ planes/ etc with their families (these also seemed to be people who never went anywhere). My fam was the BEST! That's who I wanted to spend time with. The affected disdain/ boredom/ etc was just baffling to me. I mean, I tried it on for size from time to time, but I always forgot about it once we were on the road.

One hint: When traveling with kids... whenever possible, stay somewhere with a pool.

Any specific Q's (from a kid's perspective / hearsay from my mum with traveling with 3), or just from my own travelling with 1 (but sounds like you've done that and been just fine:)... PM me.

3 moms found this helpful

SC, I didn't read the comments you've mentioned in your SWH, but I just want to say that overseas experiences are wonderful. They teach SO much, especially if you are staying in the community and not sequestering yourselves in hotels (which sounds like what you want, from what you write!)

I lived overseas for 6 years. My son's college application was about an experience going on an international swim meet to Saipan, and about how he felt when he learned the history of Suicide Cliffs where we stood. He detailed the marriage of a young couple, an American and a Japanese, and how them coming to Suicide Cliffs made him, at the young age of 13, see how wonderful it was for 2 different cultures who had been at war a half century before, come together to bring acceptance and understanding. I cried when I read it. (I still cry when I pull it out and read it!) He's going to a wonderful private college in the fall, had many acceptances and offers of scholarships and honors colleges/program, and a lovely scholarship from the college he chose to attend. And I am positive that in addition to his fine brains, that the reason he got such high acceptances is because he had so much understanding of the world and more maturity of world matters BECAUSE we traveled (and lived) overseas. There is something incredibly humbling about seeing that being an American is not the be all and end all in life. And how valuable it is to see how other countries view us, have an open mind about it, yet feel grateful to be Americans and try to be ambassadors while we are in another country. It's a great experience for your kids, and for you as well.

I have a friend with a 3rd grader, 2nd grader, kindergartener, and 1 1/2 year old. She travels internationally all the time. How absolutely DARLING to see her little kids standing patiently in line at Immigration in the airport and pushing luggage carts through baggage claim helping their mom while she pushed the stroller! I marveled at her calmness and smiles at her kids. Mine are much older, but I guess I had forgotten that they learned to do this too. Your children will learn too, to become international travelers. Most foreigners LOVE children and are kind to families. Just plan your trips well, read up on the customs of the places you go, and roll with the punches. And if you want to go to Japan, let me know. I can give you lots of tips!!!

D.

2 moms found this helpful

We don't travel (because we are broke LOL) but we have friends who do and they manage just fine.

One family we know who travels extensively recently spent a couple of months in Italy (one of the parents did a semester abroad there in college so they have stayed in touch with their friends and travel there every few years). They are still considering moving there someday if the right career opportunity comes along. They have a 9 year old, 6 year old twins and a 2 year old. Their life is good!

Another family has 6 year old twins and a 5 year old. They are independently wealthy (internet fortune) and spend a significant amount of time traveling when their children are not in school and they seem to manage as well.

I have three sons age 13, 7 & 5 and a 13-year-old SD. When we had our second son (who is now 7) we thought we were done and I was concerned that he would be "all alone" later. It turned out that we weren't done having kids (surprise!) but I realize now that he would have been just fine without his younger brother. It seems that whatever family structure you have tends to be what you end up thinking is just right, kwim?

2 moms found this helpful

I can give partial advice since I am one of three kids and I also have 3 kids now. I am the oldest sibling, my brothers are 3 yrs and 6 yrs younger than me. We are all good friends to this day. We never traveled as kids because my family didn't have the money. The most "traveling" we did was driving upstate NY. There was no issue with age gaps or anything else.
With my 3 kids, my 2 oldest are 4 and 5 and I have a 3 month old. We don't really travel other than to my in-laws in PA and to their lakehouse in NJ, and have done a few trips to see family in Arizona, and Florida and friends in California. Hardly globe trotting. We have not traveled with the three kids yet. My brothers and I are all good friends to this day and now that we are older (33, 30 and 27) the age gap doesn't matter. We were close when we were young too and I was motherly to them.
Sorry I'm not more helpful, I think it'll be no problem. If you want a kid and can provide a good life, I'm sure they'll blend nicely into your family. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I have 4 kids, girls are 2 years apart, then a 5 year gap and boys 2 years apart. Travelling is a passion for me so my kids have been travelling since they were babies.

One thing that was difficult about the 5 year age gap is the difference in interests. When I had all 4 kids along, 2 were usually bored with whatever activity we were doing. It was hard to find something that all the kids wanted to do. When I was still married, their dad and I would sometimes split the kids up and each take 2 of them, ie: girls go shopping while boys visit the military museum. Or older kids go snorkeling and younger ones take a submarine ride.

Now I'm a single mom and still travel with my kids. As my kids have gotten older, they don't want to share a bed with their siblings. I don't want to share a bed with them either so I usually have to find a suite or get two rooms at the hotel, and still sometimes have to add a rollaway so everyone can have their own bed. This is more expensive and sometimes it's hard to find a hotel that can accommodate all of us but we make it work. Now that my youngest is 15, his interests are more in line with the older kids so it's actually easier to find things they all want to do.

The bottom line is that you can make it work. If you want to travel and want to include your children then you just do it. The dynamics will change every year because kids grow and change so fast. Travelling is a great way to share experiences with them in all stages of their lives.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, our boys were almost 4 and almost 6 when our daughter was born(she is almost 9 months old now) We had no issues with boys acting out, they love her so much. The age gap does not bother us, my SIL's 3 kids are 18m and 2 years apart and 2 boys do not get along with the 3rd (a girl).....so I think it depends on the kids. We do travel ALOT (inside the country though 8 /12/18 hours away since she was 1 months old) We could not afford to go see my family in Russia with 2 kids, so nothing changed for us there:) My 2 cents.

2 moms found this helpful

We had 8 kids. There is no problem traveling at home or abroad when the youngest is 18 months or older. When the youngest is potty trained, the problems drop off some more. If both of you are teachers, it leaves your summers open and makes living abroad easier.

If both of you are teachers and really want to immerse yourself in a foreign economy, be a teacher for the DOD (Department of Defense). You teach the kids of US military personnel stationed at military bases over seas and sometimes the kids of diplomatic personnel. The government gives you a salary, benefits, housing, and a military type ID card. The DOD is always looking for teachers and you can choose a new assignment every year or so. Contact the DOD for more information.

BTW, we took 8 kids to Disney World, 6 kids on an Alaska Cruise, 8 kids on a mexican cruise, 8 kids to Disneyland, Sea World, Knotts Berry Farm.

Good luck to you and yours.

2 moms found this helpful

My 3 kids are pretty close in age (3, 5 & 7), so i can't speak to the age gap question, but i can talk about travel.

Yes, it is significantly more challenging with 3 kids. Not so much when the youngest one is very little and portable, but that challenging time between 1-3 is exacerbated by the fact that you and your spouse are out of hands. After 3, it's much easier. You may end up scaling back/putting off travel for a few years after number 3, but then it's totally doable - especially since your other 2 are a little older and don't require as much equipment!

And you will also need to adjust yourself to a world that is geared toward families of 4 - from vacation packages to cars to restaurants with booths that only seat 4. It's an interesting adventure moving into the world of a family of 5.

good luck with your decision!

2 moms found this helpful

I have 2 brothers, I am 4 years older than one and 6 years older than the other.
They were/are very close.
I love them dearly, but we do not share the same close relationship (though part of that is gender too I imagine).
I am very close w/ my mom as a result of this.
Traveling for us consisted of driving from Florida to Ohio and back again to visit family.
We did fine. I am sure it was a lot of work for my parents, but...you deal.
You will adjust.
Your kids will be fine.
HTH! GL on the baby makin'! :)

2 moms found this helpful

We have three 6, 4 and 1 year the first year of car travel was crazy! babies just don't tavel well in the car at least mine. But now at one year she has some good entertainment from her older siblings. Ou third has been wonderful she fits right in. I actaully think going from 1 to 2 was harder then going from 2 to 3 kids. Only thing I would point out is traveling as a family of 5 is going to be Much MORE expensive as most hotels cater to families of 4. 5 puts you in a different price category becase you can't get away with a single bed with a pull out for travel... tickets cost an additional..etc. Just my thoughts.

1 mom found this helpful

Like anything else, you adjust. I have three kids, and became a single mom when the youngest was only 6 months. I haven't traveled much, because of finances and it was rather difficult when they're young, but I am only one person. I think it would have been doable if I'd had my husband with me. They're 16, 13 and 11 now. We took a wonderful, two-week road trip a couple years ago and made some great memories. In May of this year, we toured the east coast and it was absolutely fantastic. I think the younger years are harder for travel, but with two parents on board I think you'd do fine. I can't imagine life without my youngest! ( :

1 mom found this helpful

Traveling with three kids is like a walking advertisement for birth control! =)

I have a sister and a brother. My mother took us everywhere and we traveled across the country several times a year to visit my grandparents. It is hard, especially if you have a newborn, a 7/8 year old, and a 5/6 year old. You will have more than your hands full. Also, my in-laws live in Holland so I understand the traveling issue.
If you want your youngest child 4 years after the last one, it is a big gap but nothing drastic. They will still be able to be friends and hang out (if the older one is alright with that). If they don't get along, your baby will pretty much be an only child growing up.
Traveling is really hard on a new baby, so you probably wouldn't be able to travel for a while, especially overseas. Depending on where you want to go, the weather can be very different and bad for a newborn. The air on planes is pretty gross and isn't good for young babies. Plus, they have to get their shots before traveling, so you might have to get shots earlier than needed. Traveling is not out of the question for a newborn or young baby, just really hard and difficult for both of you. Plus you will have the older two to keep quiet, keep sitting, and keep entertained.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Well we travel but the majority of our trips are less then 4 hrs by car. However we did recently return from Disney so we flew. Our kids are now 11 1/2 yrs ( boy) 7yrs (boy) 5yrs ( girl)
Well having three kids it takes more organization. My kids for the most part get along good. Also I am the oldest of three siblings. I was 12 when my little brother was born. My sister was 8 1/2 when he was born. We both adored him growing up.

1 mom found this helpful

I can't imagine traveling with three young ones. That factored into my decision to be a parent t only one and it has worked out fantastic! Before she was five it was more trips within California and Aizona. Once she was six it was time for Europe!! This was before portable DVD players so it was books and conversations....some of the greatest times! We still remember her eating a pear in the middle of the night (jet lag/time change) and she just went on and on how this was the BEST pear ever. She starts college soon so we need to have an awesome trip before she does. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Well, I have 3 kids: ages 5, 2 and 1. Wow, it's stressful traveling if you ask me. May not be for you, as yours will be older. My husband and I always take a vacation each year and we always bring them. The problem comes in with the age. The age makes it impossible for us to do the fun, adventurous things we would love to do together. Go on rollercoasters at an amusement park? Nope, unless 1 at a time and then you have to wait in the lines twice. Go white water rafting or even just tubing down the river? Nope, kids are too young. Going to even see a movie on vacation? Nope, unless it's a kids movie and even then the little one won't sit through it. Going out to dinner on vacation? Gets expensive unless you find kids eat free. Going to museums? Nope, unless it's a kids museum. So, for us, that has been the main issue with taking them. Everything we do has to be geared towards the kids. Next summer it's me and the hubby by ourselves :)

1 mom found this helpful

I am the youngest with two older brothers, all three years apart, and have a girl and two boys, also three years apart. For me, I have always kind of felt the odd sibling out but that was due more to gender than age. I actually have a closer relationship with my oldest sibling. As for feeling left out when they were older, I can't say I remember feeling that way. I remember thinking that I was lucky when they were finally both in college because I got to do so much more with my parents than my brothers did - go to restaurants, day trips, etc - that they couldn't afford when all three kids were at home.

As for my kids, my oldest two (a girl and a boy) are great friends and playmates when they aren't argueing. The youngest is only one so I'm sure the dynamic will change at some point! And having attempted only one short plane trip so far I can say it's a lot of work and rather stressful but doable.

ETA:

My youngest was planned and is well-loved and having three was the absolute perfect choice for our family. That said, there are times when I dream of the day when we don't need the stroller and things don't need to be planned around nap time. And we can be in the car for more than an hour or two at a time. Not all vacation spots are stroller or toddler friendly so major vacation plans may have to wait a few years if you decide to have another.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a teenager and a toddler. The teen always gets mad when the toddler wants to play around with her. She acts like her little sister is the most annoying person in the world most days. I wish the youngest had another sibling close in age to play with.

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