Need Advice Before I Explode with Anger.

A common side effect of a "wrong" antidepressant is apathy. As is sleepiness. On the right med and right dose, he shouldn't be feeling like anything other than himself.

Walk into any psychiatrists office and say:

"I slept through my 6yo's bday party and didn't care." And they will change the med pronto.

This sounds weird to me. Is this normal for him or is he sick in some way? Even if he was uncomfortable and wanting out of the party, it seem like he'd do something else besides sleep. I'd be worried and asking my hubby if everything is alright.

I know a lot of dads who are uncomfortable at kid parties. I excuse my husband after he helps me set up usually, and I've seen other people do the same. If there were other dads there that he knows and likes, then I think it's weird. Or he wasn't feeling good. Otherwise I think it's a classic case of dad being antisocial at a kid party. Did he really sleep the whole night? Sometimes my husband lies in bed watching tv or reading or resting but doesn't really sleep the whole time he's in there.

And I usually do everything for parties..gifts, cake, balloons, choosing theme, decor, etc. He knows he would pick something I didn't like! ;)

This is not the sort of problem that can be sorted out as it unfolds. It's hard to know from this one description of this one event, but it sounds to me like there are power issues in your marriage, and this could be passive-aggressive behavior on your husband's part.

It is reasonable for you to feel upset about it. You prepared for the party with lots of work and enthusiasm. You have a considerable emotional investment. This day did not go as happily as you had planned, and you are worried about your daughter's feelings, and possibly also what the guests think about it.

Here's the part you may not want to hear:

It may also be reasonable for your husband to behave as he did, from HIS point of view. Perhaps he is unduly tired, perhaps he's coming down with something, perhaps he's had his emotional stuffing recently kicked out by work or home issues. And there are guys with relatively shallow emotional capacities (but who can be quite functional spouses/fathers in other ways) who will NEVER get why some sorts of events are important to women. Some coaching may be possible, but you can't change a canvas backpack into a Gucci handbag. It will never happen.

Your daughter (how old is she?) may not make anything traumatic out of her dad's lack of participation. She may simply assume that her dad shows his love for her in other ways, which may be satisfying for her. If you make an issue of it, there is a risk of making your daughter quite unhappy about what was otherwise a fun day for her. And she could feel your unhappiness is somehow her fault, because it's about her party.

Two suggestions: Read some of the great books about emotional/psychological types that can help you accept each other's differences with less drama. One terrific one is Please Understand Me, by Keirsey and Bates. Here's an impressive list of positive reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-Character-Temp...

Also consider investigating Non-Violent Communication. This is a well-established, practical and positive tool for deepening the respect and understanding in any relationship. You can google this for descriptions, examples, books, videos, and classes. Though only one person using it can transform a difficult relationship, my husband and I have both learned this effective process, and found it transformational in our understanding of ourselves, as well.

Is there a physical reason for him being inordinately tired? Chronic pain, depression, CFS, working odd hours, etc? Was he actually asleep the whole time, or was he doing stuff like watching tv? Is this a one-time thing, or does he do this frequently?

I can imagine how resentful you feel. I hope your daughter was able to have a wonderful birthday in spite of her father being in bed.

I have a feeling this may be part of a "whole 'nother ball of wax" - if that's so and you're having difficulties in your marriage in other areas, I hope you are able to find some resolutions. Best of luck to you.

You haves Every right to be Pissed, I'm Sure the guests and especially your daughter was wondering where was daddy. It seems to me that he might be suffering from depression. I suffer from it and when it really gets to me all I want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone what so ever.

If he is not depressed, I would definitely get to the bottom of it and find out why he acted in such a rude, disrespectful way and If he is depressed I would find out why and see if you can get him some help because if it goes undetected it can get worse and it is a serious matter.

I hope and Pray that you and your husband are able to get through this.

Blessings and I hope this helps.
M.

I don't think you gave enough detail as to why he was in bed so long. Does he work long hours? Does he work nights? Was he sick? Is he typically a non existent parent? Was there someone there that he really hates or that hates him? What is his reason or excuse for being in the room so long? Did you guys get into a fight & this is his way of getting even with you? How old is your dghtr? Did you tell him you needed his help?

If your husband is typically this lazy then I guess this behavior wouldn't surprise me. But when I need help with anything I have to be very detailed to my husband & lay out all my expectations before hand so I don't get disappointed for his lack of help. Men typically don't know how to help unless we ask & then we still have to be extremely detailed in our expectations & then they still won't do things exactly the way we would or expect.

If I were in your shoes with having your dghtrs bday party with her friends (I am assuming its w/friends & not family) I would have said that I don't expect him to entertain a bunch of kids but he needs to help with cleaning up during the party & making sure there were sufficient drinks, napkins out, etc. & picking up trash. That way the house would be somewhat kept up. For example on Easter we had 30 people over & they all lived 1 1/2 hours away so I didn't have them bring anything & I prepared absolutely everything myself. I told my husband that he was in charge of x, y, & z while I was in charge of a, b, & c. It worked out real well for us. And at the end of the gathering I wasn't overwhelmed.

Hmmmm, this sounds odd. To answer your question, yes you have a right to be PISSED! I would be!

That being said, it sounds like there's something medical or psychological going on with him. Either a depression thing, or an undiagnosed medical condition. I wouldn't fly off the handle just yet. Ask him to talk to his doctor about it. If he gets checked out and there's nothing wrong with him, THEN tear him a new a$$hole! lol! If there's nothing wrong with him then his behavior was utterly disrespectful and totally NOT okay! But really, there almost HAS to be something wrong with him. No perfectly healthy person is going to actually be ABLE to sleep that many hours. Our bodies just aren't made to function that way, so if he did then his body (or brain) isn't functioning normally.

So what I would do is I would say something to him like "Look, I have to admit that I'm really angry about what happened with the birthday party. Your behavior really bothered me. However, it was sooo odd that I'm thinking that there must be something else going on. I want you to go talk to your doctor about your overwhelming fatigue. It's affecting our marriage and our daughter's happiness. Please, for the health of this family, would you go to an appointment if I call and book it for you?"

Try to talk to him from a place of love and concern (not easy when you're sooo rightfully irate, I know, but grit your teeth and give it a shot). He'll probably respond better to that than accusations.

Best of luck!

I would be livid. You are definitely not overreacting. Birthdays are important.

As someone who has issues with depression and anxiety, I think that is probably at least most of the problem. Not to excuse it, but I definitely think he needs to go see his doctor and get his medication switched or adjusted. If he can't get it together long enough to participate in your daughter's birthday party (much less help you with everything that goes into it) there is something wrong that needs to be addressed.

Was he sick? Depressed? A debilitating case of shyness? Pulled 3 all-nighters in a row and REALLY needed to sleep? If yes, then poor him and good thing you were able to get through the party without his help - GO MOM, YOU ROCK! If no, then that behavior was inexcusable and embarassing and I hope you rip him a new one. But STILL - GO MOM, YOU ROCK!

Sounds like his anti-depressants are not doing their job and need checking. Does he have social anxiety or is fine in other social situations? Totally not normal....I would be angry yes, but if he is having a lapse in his depression try and get him to the doctor.

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Excessive sleeping is a sign of depression or other medical issue. If he's taking anti-depressants, it sounds like they're not working well enough. Totally makes sense to be angry, but this might not be totally under his control. Most dads would feel bad about this, so unless he's a total jerk, something's wrong, and he may end up being depressed about this issue too.

Is he ill? Seriously, make him an appointment for Monday to go to the doctor. If it were me, I would ask him if he is feeling ok. If he says yes, then tell him he needs to explain what is going on because you don't understand and now there is a child with her feelings hurt.

Did you throw this party with the blessing of your husband? Did you ask him what his thoughts were on it? How old is your daughter? I think sometimes we mothers can get a little too wrapped up about children's birthday parties. Was he included in the decision making process for the party details? Is your husband coming down with something? Is he under a lot of stress? Perhaps there is something more to this than even you know. It certainly doesn't sound like he was enthusiastic about having the party. I don't think you should be angry with him. You might want to try to talk with him about what his thoughts are about all of this. You may learn a lot from him if you ask. Sorry for the difficult situation for you!

I he ill? Depressed?
Who on earth spend 23 out of 24 hours in bed?
If he isn't sick I would get him checked out for depression. I seriously don't know anybody who would sleep that much if they aren't sick.

Good luck!

trust me i would be upset also...especially when he sees you getting everything together and not helping one bit..you might want to talk to him to see what is going on or what is bothering him....that does not sound right especially not being present for your own child's birthday.what father stays in bed while there are guests present at your house...idk...goodluck talking to him.

Wow, you just reminded me that my husband used to do something similar when my daughter was that age. (Oh no, I'm getting mad again, a decade later.) In hindsight, I think he was a little depressed.

Is there no way you can calmly and matter-of-factly insist that he attend these things?

Does your husband suffer from depression? That just seems like a long time to sleep.

I would be furrious. I can understand that he did little to help with the planning, but there's absolutely no reason (unless his medication for depression is not working, and he needs help) that he couldn't join the party and help clean up afterwards.

he needs to have his medication checked.....that is NOT normal.

I was going to say the same as the previous poster. This isn't "normal." Unless he was ill with the flu, there's something going on. I think you have every right to be furious (my head would also explode). And I think that this would be very different if he were inside playing video games rather than in bed. That sets of huge red flags for depression for me.

I don't know enough about your relationship in general to give more specific advice, but I'd get your husband to a therapist ASAP. Good luck.

You have a lot of answers , I just wanted to say yes you have every right to be furious , and no you are not over reacting. This is something that your daughter will always remember , that he missed the party. Good for you for making it special for her.

Maybe he is on the wrong anti-depressent for his chemical make-up. Sometimes when that certain one doesnt fit well with your body you feel like doing nothing at all, all day, every day. Also with a lot of people around that can send someone who has depression issues runing for the hills. I am not making excuses for his actions, I would be very mad, but you said this is an on-going issue so it's sort of to be expected. I hope it gets better for you! Good Luck =)

I would be quite pissed unless he was sick and I dont mean a little cough I would be very upset and I did see other comments of did he want the party Its your childs Birthday why wouldnt you want a party ....

Very Weird! Did he not want to have the party? Is this normal behavior for him? Is he sick? Was your daughter upset? What was the reaction of the guests and how did you explain this to them. I would have been embarrased. At some point I wouldn't have worried about how much you did to prepare for the party but how rude it is to behave in this manner when you have guests in your home and his responsibility to be a host and act in an appropriate manner. Did he tell you ahead of time about his plan?. Is he normally so unenvolved. My husband wasn't a birthday party giver. Where these your friends or strangers? I'm surprised that one of the guys didn't go in and roust him. Where they all women? What a jerk!

No, you are incorrect. He is ill in some way. something is not right in his body. It is not normal sleeping patterns. No normal person could EVER sleep that long. His meds are part of the cause for sure.

Try to get him to take magnesium malate or magnesium citrate which can do wonders for depression. then try to wean him off those nasty meds, before they destroy him.

Yes, I would be very angry as well. Since you mentioned he is on deression meds, check the side effects on them and see if fatigue is part of it. he really needs another evaluation, perhaps some couples counseling as well so he can see how he is needed to help and be supportive and be an acitive father.