Need Advice as Stepmom

I just read a great book by Beth Moore called "Get out of that pit". It speaks of Gods deliverance from the pit we fall into through our actions and acqaintances. I was in a similar situation. I know from experience we must set rules and boundries for our kids. You still have control over her as a minor, so don't wait. It is really important to know who her friends are and what she is up to. Do this out of love and when she turns 18 and will make her own decisions, hopefully you will have shown her the way to a Godly life rather than one full of sin and temptation.

Wow, this is a tough situation. I wonder if your husband would be open to a parenting class of some kind, or reading a book about raising teenagers. I can understand the desire to not discipline but as you know that is not the answer. She needs boundaries and structure.
One thing that has worked for my husband has been for me to send him articles about parenting and such. There is so much good information on the web, I will just email him articles about certain topics. They are short and he can take a few minutes to read them. It has helped him A LOT and I have found it has been more effective than me just telling him stuff.
Good luck

There is a common pattern among remarried couples, both sides feel that the other side will be a better parent and therefore lack in show of discpline to their children in fear of being second best. Your husband is scared to loose his daughters love, but according to the details of your story I can tell you for sure that her mom has the same concern. This feeling becomes stronger when the child is a teenager since they go through a rebel stage and most parents think that letting them do whatever they want would make them the "good" parent. Your husband needs to be aware of this. Both you and your husband hold obligations as parents. When we show our children discipline we are letting them know that we love them and care for their well being. Your step-daughter is crying out for discipline and love. To do this the right way you and your husband both have to agree on the boundaries that will be set in your household that way the rules would come from both of you and there will be no resentment. You also need to spend more time together and talk about topics that would show your step daughter how you both view certain matters. The bible teaches that love always finds what's best for the other person and always goes the extra mile to do so. Is there an object or activity that can be done to show her how much she is loved?

I had a very similar problem with my husband and his daughter. We struggled (to put it mildly). I would suggest talking to your husband to help him understand that by not disciplining (training, teaching, correction and education) he is hurting his daughter. His desire to be kind and his fear not to lose her is about him and not what is best for his daughter. He needs to realize that as her dad he has got to get involved, ask her questions and have boundaries and most of all consistency. If she is hangin with people that are not a positive influence then it needs to stop- effective immediately. You both need to talk to your step daughter (once you are both on the same page) and explain the cost to her now and later for the choice of friends. Explain that this is a choice. It can be difficult for teens to look outside of their "feelings" but we cannot be ruled or governed by our feelings. Explain that it is because you love her and want the best for her both now and later that you are talking to her and coming along side her to help her through this. Then ask what she needs to get away from the people that are influencing her negatively (I would stop calling them friends b/c friends don't do that) listen as she tells you what she needs from you in order to get away from her "friends". She will probably put up a fight, especially if these boundaries and mandatory respect for adults has been instilled in her. if it continues I would suggest some biblical counseling. Hope that helps.

Whatever you do, do not try to be her friend more than being her step-mom....remember structure and discipline are important!

Hi J.,

My husband was very much afraid of disciplining the children when we met ten years ago...to this day, I am still the main disciplinarian in the family. It has been hard, there have been lots of tears shed and lots of prayers raised, but consistency and love have gotten us through some pretty tough times. The kids know there are guidelines and consequences. They know if they don't do "x", this is what's going to happen (lose phone, tv, xbox, whatever). My stepdaughter has revealed that she likes to have discipline and structure. IT puts her more at ease. Just stick to your guns, raise her with love - and PRAY LOTS! You'll be fine.

It's so tough as the stepmom to have a role in helping direct your stepdaughter. In high school, I also lived with my dad and step mom, and I can assure you that what I wanted more than anything was for my dad to take time out of his day to spend with me. Men tend to assume that because they just wanted to be left alone as teenagers, that their daughters are the same way. I really wanted him to be interested in what was going on in my life. I wasn't a bad kid in school, but I did mess up a few times, and I think that had we been closer, then it would have been a lot easier for me to make the right decisions. It's so important, as a teenager, to have open communication with your parents. It relieves so much tension.

You guys need to allow her to tell you how she is feeling about home life and school life. She needs to feel as if she can vent her frustrations (without being rude, of course) without you guys getting upset with her. This will open the door for her to bring problems and situations to you guys that she is dealing with in her life.

If you guys go to church, be sure to get her involved in the youth group. Church is such an awesome place to find positive friends and influences.

I know most of this was from my experience as a teenager, but I hope it helps you out!

-A.