N. Dad Seeks Advice on Helping Mom-addicted Daughter with Daddy Time

I think you'll be fine.

Really, by 2, they can start hearing the occasional "no," or "mommy's not here right now to give you her breast" (or whatever you call it), and she will be fine. It's not like she needs it for food at this point.

It's really great that you care so much that you would actually come on a mostly woman's advice forum to ask this question. Most dads would not, especially about something like breastfeeding.

But to tell you the truth, it's actually healthier for a child to experience some disappointment occasionally by the time they are 2. Learning to adjust to discomfort and disappointment (that's called 'life") creates a happier, more well-adjusted individual.

Have fun!

She will be fine. The time has come for Mom to start getting a break. I know people still bf later but all day and waking 2-3 times a night is a bit much.

This is typical behavior for a 2yo who is still nursing, and anyone who has not nursed that long wouldn't understand this. However, I bet she will be fine as long as you keep her occupied. Bedtime might be difficult, but again distraction is your friend. It is important that your wife be able to have some time to herself, and you are a great husband to recognize that. Trust me, it won't be as hard as you think it will be. Nursing toddlers are more flexible than you would think, but that's because your daughter has not been forced to ween before she is ready and feels safe having her needs met. She will be ok for 11 hours, if mom isn't there she probably won't even think about nursing.

ps
Ignore the haters. You guys are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter, breastmilk continues to provide nutritional and immunological benefits for as long as she continues to nurse.

I agree with both posters before me.

You will be fine. You will probably be better without Mom around, actually.

~It is true that everyone has the right to parent as they see fit and you guys have chosen your route. But as an outsider looking in, I say to you: Your wife can still practice 'attachment parenting' (even though, I hate that term and the fact that so many people buy into the fact that they should parent a certain way or by one certain style, with no variations) without breastfeeding a 2y/o child. She is getting NO nourishment (which is its primary function) at this point. She is only doing it for the comforting aspect. Which if you really think about it, your wife is *hindering* your daughter by not allowing her to grow and mature and learn how to function without needing to be comforted SO much. Your daughter's feeding schedule is VERY much not the norm. Most pediatricians recommend that a child be off the bottle and on to solid foods by 1 year of age. And by 2y/o children should be sleeping in their own beds ALL through the night. The fact that your 2y/o daughter is waking up to be fed 2-3x a night says to me that she is NOT anywhere near being 'well adjusted' and has become un-healthily co-dependant on your wife...and to be blunt your wife has also become un-healthily co-dependant on your daughter.

I am sorry that this has come off so blunt and rude. Just wanted to give you my .02 cents worth, feel free to take it or leave it.

You really will be fine Dad. Enjoy your one-one-one time...IF in fact you can convince your wife that your daughter will be OK with anyone other than herself.

I did extended nursing and had mama-loving clingers but they managed to do just fine with just daddy when given the chance. In fact, when it was time to wean my youngest from night nursing, I just had to start sending in my husband and my son basically acted like "oh you're here? Hmmm...no milk for me then I guess I'll just go back to sleep" and that was it. Kids are smart, and they adjust. My sister is a single mom who was out of work and therefore home with her daughter (stage 5 clinger, that one) 24:7 for a while but now that she's working, when she's with whoever she's watching, she's totally fine.

Honestly at her age, she's too old for a bottle and water from a sippy cup along with real food will be great and age-appropriate. Enjoy your time with her, and may it be the first of many daddy-daughter days for you!

I think it will be an 'out of sight-out of mind' thing. If your wife isn't there to offer her the breast, she won't need it.

Does she drink water out of a sippy cup? If so, offer it to her throughout the day along with her solid food that I assume she eats.

You and she will do fine!

Dont know if this is the best advice, but my dd was like that with me, and my husband starting giving her 'special treats' when I was gone. Mostly things that I said she wasnt allowed to have like pop and chocolate milk and doritos, and all the dora she wanted, lol. She very quickly came to love daddy time. Or take her somewhere really fun, like chuckie cheese or to a movie, she wont even remember moms gone, and it will tire her out so she goes to sleep easier, in the car on the way home if you are lucky.

Just wanted to add that the current recomendation is not to begin weaning until the child is at least 2 years old. It has to do with the immune system, which takes 2-6 years to fully develop. So good for your wife for still nursing!

Does she take a cup at all? If she doesn't, I'm sorry Dad, but your wife is hindering your daughter's development. Being so insistent on nursing so VERY much at 2 years old is possibly an indication that your daughter is not able to separate herself from her mother emotionally. I would really be concerned about that.

Have you two discussed this issue with your pediatrician? I think you should. I agree very much with what InMy30'sAlready has said here.

Please look towards moving out of the infant stage with this child. It's past time, really.

Dawn

I think the previous posters who have said that things will be fine, you can do a lot of good with distractions and a special treat. Expect that there may be a few tearful moments, however, it's often easier for fathers when mom's actually are physically gone. It's easy to prefer mom if she's always there.

For what it's worth, I did the same thing when my son was a bit past two and I was still nursing. (It was working for everyone in our family at that time; my husband was clear he was fine with it. Many men are. :) ) I took off for an overnight and it was great. My husband did fine, said that he just spent a lot of time playing with our boy and planned a fun outing, etc. I think that leaving the two of them to work things out on their own has helped them develop a great relationship with each other just a few years later. I hope you have a good time with your little girl and yes, introduce that sippy cup!

My daughter will be 2 in January, and she is still breastfeeding full time too. She nurses throughout the day, and she wakes up a couple times per night and nurses - I can relate!! However, my daughter will take a sippy cup (she drinks water VERY rarely when I am home!) of pumped milk when I am away. The first time I left for a whole day, my mother had her (hubby deployed) and she took about 7 oz total that day (I left at 3 am, back at midnight for a work trip) - she was 8 months old and had never touched a bottle or a cup. Since then, she has had a few more days like that (3 total) and she has gotten better and better with the cup. Dispite the fact that normally I am available as needed to her.

I don't think you are stunting her growth - average age of weaning world wide is 3 years old, and the WHO recommends breast milk until age 2 at a minimum. So while americans are weird and therefore will claim you are damaging your child, remember that our society is unusual in our practices regarding nursing.

All of that aside, ditch the bottle. At your daughter's age, there is no need for it. Give her a sippy cup NOW (before wife leaves) with water in it, and continue BFing as usual. Then, when mama is away, she will already know how to operate the sippy cup, and you can offer her pumped milk or water or whatever your family feels is an appropriate beverage for her at this time. I also think that if you remain laid back, she will not be to worried about mama's absence. They are very out of sight, out of mind at this age. But if you are stressing, she will pick up on that.

Have fun with your little lady!

I think you will be fine. DD is 2 - I assume she is eating solid food and drinking water, so no problems with the nutrition. It probably is time for you and she to establish your own bedtime ritual - toothbrushing, pjs, stories - whatever you choose.

Most pediatricians do NOT recommend being done with bfing by 1 year of age. The recommendation is bfing until at LEAST a year of age. The world wide age is much much later than in this country. The recommendation to be 'off the bottle' is completely a dental recommendation related to formula in an actual bottle - not to breast milk from a breast. I am AMAZED that people on this site think you might be stunting your child's development by providing her with a close and loving relationship.

However two years is the point when most AP parents make the transition to positive parenting. Two year olds are their own people and much of what worked for infants with AP needs to translate differently to meet the needs of a toddler.

Honestly, you all will be just fine. Your 2yo's nursing style sounds like she is using her mommy as her own pacifier at this point. Taking this break will be good for all. Without mom in sight, your 2 yo probably won't even think about mom, as long as you are close by for comfort and cuddling.

I nursed my last until the age of 3 and left her with dad and family for 2-3 days at a stretch. I thought for sure those longer breaks would end our nursing, but they didn't. We would pick up where we left off. The milk supply will not dry up that quickly after this length of time nursing.

Also, I am shocked at some of the harsh responses you received regarding this simple family choice. They must be angry, frustrated, or envious moms who couldn't breastfeed and should keep those negative and unhelpful opinions to themselves.

Relax and enjoy your time together. Honestly, it won't be the shock you think it's going to be.

you say: SHE is very firm on "attachment parenting" (apparently only between herself and dd), and SHE does not want to wean her at all.

i say: SHE does need and deserve a break. absolutely.

she needs to help you with this. she has chosen this for the three of you.. she could be pumping and letting you help feed your daughter. she's choosing to leave you out of this equation.

okay...trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. so what DOES your wife say, besides, "you'll be fine!" i hope that she will help you with this situation. prepare your little one, maybe do some daddy and me dates ahead of time - to, as you say, make it less of a "shock". you sound like a GREAT dad. i hope mom appreciates that and does EVERYTHING she can to make this easier for you.

Starting today, when mom is not right there, start having you daughter use a small cup. She will be intrigued by this new activity. She is past the bottle and past sippy cups at this point..

You are allowed to have some "Dad does it this way" moments with your child. I loved when my husband and our daughter had time alone.. She would share some funny stories....She still talks about the way dad used to do things.. Our daughter is 22....

I was always the parent to put my son to bed, fed him, changed him etc. When he was about 18 months old, my grandmother was dying and we had to fly out of state to see her. I spent most of the day in the hospital visiting grandma while my husband had our son at my parents house. They did great. My son associated ME with breastfeeding not my husband. They did their own thing and he did great and was perfectly happy. It did not change the fact that he still wanted me/ to nurse when we got back home to our normal routine. I think you all will do fine.

Yes, your wife does need a break. However, for her to all of a sudden take an 11 break from your nursing daughter seems extreme. If she wants to continue BF'ing your daughter thats great. But since your daughter refuses a bottle and seems to rely on nursing she will need to cut her day out short. That is part of the committment of BF'ing, as well as "attachment" parenting.
I find it a little unfair that she seems to be calling these shots, but then wants you to handle an 11 hour break all of a sudden. Your daughter may be just fine since your wife won't be there, but then again she may not. I think a shorter "break in" to test the waters would be a better idea. Good luck :)

I am so glad your wife has plans to go away for a whole day because I think it is bringing some dynamics to light. My main concern is that something may be a little imbalanced in the family. The best thing for your daughter is for you and her mom to have quality time. It is hard to imagine that you guys are getting much of that. Also, you and your daughter need more opportunities to develop a deep and secure attachment. When you start to feel N. just remind yourself that this is so good for everyone involved.

I was always N. leaving my bottle refusing baby with a sitter. But it always went off without a hitch. At that age they really can skip that last before bed feeding and make it all night. At two they don't need the milk. Offer her some milk in a sippy or cup at dinner and after dinner. Then just don't worry about trying to get that feeding in. Skip it, really, you may be surprised. It will probably go smoother than you think. My advice is make it extra fun and mix up the routine some, play hide an seek, make a fort, something that throughs her off normal routine. You can offer her milk in a cup, but if she refuses, offer water and put her to bed.

This is a great question, and it is unfortunate that people had to throw in their antiquated, ill-informed, vitriolic two cents.

I left both of my boys for several days at a time while they were still nursing. Most recently, I left my 2 year old for 4 days while I went on a business trip. My husband did not give him a bottle, as he is long past the bottle stage. He just kept him active and offered quiet snuggle time at night. It was difficult overnight when he woke up looking for me, but we all survived :) I would agree that this is the time to relax TV viewing rules, or anything else that will help you and your daughter get through!

Distract, distract, distract. If your wife is not there, it may be easier. My DD nursed til 2.5 (mostly at night) and my friend nursed her DD til past 3 yrs old. Both fathers were able to handle their children when moms were not available. On nights when I was not here, my SIL or niece could get DD to go to bed without. It will be OK. Tell her not now, distract her with something else.

I agree it will all turn out fine in the end. I wonder if your question is more about how to help yourself if your daughter gets really upset about the feeding times.

I also did attachment with my daughter (now 13!). My suggestion is you make a plan with her. "When mommy is not here later today to bf what toy/blankie/comfort item do you want to hug on my lap?" If she can't say, pick one out as a family before mom leaves. I made it a habit of leaving plenty of kisses and hugs on reserve with a special comfort item (my daughter's stuffed dog, Buddy) so that she could self soothe when I was gone longer than usual. Also, know that it is not your job to "fix" the situation for her. If she gets upset all you can and need to do is be close by until she is ready to let you comfort her. She has to feel the dissapointment before she can need the comfort.

Enjoy each other!