My Son Got Made Fun of for the First Time in Front of Me :(

Children are mean, but sometimes they don't understand that they are mean. But that doesn't excuse the behavior. I see this a lot at preschool. At this young age, most of it goes right past them as they don't understand it quite yet. It is far more hurtful to the parent who may happen to hear. When I hear things like that at preschool, I just tell the child who is saying mean things that "words can be hurtful, just like hitting. Treat others the way you would want to be treated." I think there is nothing wrong with saying something to the kids speaking poorly of others - you would say something if your child was hit.

I don't have any advice regarding his teeth other than seeing a pediatric dentist.

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Definitely take him to a pediatric dentist. Like another mom, I think the earliest is age 8, for braces and such. A pediatric dentist, would definitely let you in on all the options out there.

As far as the reaction. I would have said, "my son is best and most handsome boy on earth," and given him a big hug and left.

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Soon enough your Mommy instincts will kick in and you will have your own process of taking care of those comments & snickering. My cousin had a baby born with cleft palate. She is now an adult and although she has had several surgeries to correct it, you can still see a bit of the cleft. She is a beautiful and strong girl who doesn't put up with that type of nonsense. She grew up in a rather bad neighborhood and I was worried she would have a rough time, but she learned how to withstand the comments.

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Kids are mean. My mom used to say that to me when I was young, and I never fully understood what she meant. However, as a mom of 4, with one of them being 9 and going through some physical changes...I totally see what she was saying.

I'm glad for you that your son didn't pick up on this. I do think it can be more hurtful as a parent hearing and seeing this (if they are too young to pick up on the verbal stuff). I too, have worried and stayed up late thinking about how to deal with this. Do I go to the parents? Do I ignore it? Its a tough answer. If I was the parent of a child who was picking on another kid, I personally would want to know so that I could deal with my child on this obvious character flaw.

I too have listened to other kids pick on my daughter (her teeth aren't coming in straight as well) because of her teeth, her hair...whatever. I spent almost an entire year dealing with tears over what other kids were saying. Here's how I approached it: For starters, her confidence can't be in what other people think about her (or him). Words are just...words. I tell my daughter to repeat to herself...sticks and stones. When she was older I explained to her that some people are just not confident in themselves or their abilities, so they find other people to pick on, to get the spotlight off of themselves.

I encouraged her to not retaliate. After all, that would make her a bully herself. I encouraged her to be kind, but definitely not go out of her way to try to please these kids. I also encouraged her to do her best to ignore what other people said (if it was continual, then she would have to take it to an adult for help). I tried to remind her of how she was loved by MANY and had many friends who loved her for who she was.

I took the time to teach her that her value as a person was not determined by what others said. It took a full year (for us) before I think it sunk in and she stopped worrying about what the girls were saying. Now, if it happens again, she tells me how she ignores their words and will go look to find her other friends.

I think this becomes a real teaching and growth opportunity. Its certainly not fun while your child is going through it. Try to take a positive spin on it with him (as he gets older) and use it to develop his character- because it most likely will. Teach him the value of being a true friend. Teach him about how words can be used to uplift or destroy ...there are limitless opportunities to teach in these situations. I believe that we are accountable before God with our speech. I try to teach this to my kids as well.

Sorry so long. Hope this encouraged you.

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Oh Man I know that had to hurt!
Kids are cruel. Even to this day and I'm older --if a kid makes a remark it still get's taken seriously. I had a little 4 yr old that told me "Your shoes don't look "cool" with your dress".... I laughed it off, but then later thought "Damn!"
It is a harsh reality that our kids (and ourselves) will get made fun of by someone some time. It is very difficult when it's something that you just can't change and that is why it is so important to raise children with confidence in themselves and knowing full well that their parents and family love them unconditionally. The world does not love us unconditionally and it is a hard thing to prepare for. Some people are very thin skinned, I'm not one, but I know just with the chats on here that some are very, very sensitive. Boys are usually more resilient than girls are I think except for when a girl makes fun of them (thats a whole different thing).
Hopefully no one in the family makes fun of your son, and it's like you said "he's cute but in an elfin way"... which just means he stands out a little more than the average and remarks will be made more often, some positives and probably some negatives. How do you teach the world not to make fun of people that are different than them? I have no idea. I know it starts at home and that's all you can do is try to teach your kids compassion, you just never know how that will turn out once they get in school and peer pressure sets in.
In your case I doubt saying anything to the boys would have made a difference, only would have made the situation stand out in front of your own children, and like you said "he's only 3 and didint even notice" so thats a good thing.
I would take him to the dentist though and find out what the options are and when "braces" or whatever will be appropriate. Usually it isnt until their permanent teeth are in... but if he has a jaw malfunction they may be able to put some type of appliance on him much earlier.
If your kids ever get made fun of the best thing to tell them is "well, that person doesnt KNOW you because if they did they wouldnt say something like that to you".... and just remind them of how special they really are.
Lots of ugly duckling turn into beautiful swans AND vice versa.
It can be a cruel world that's for darned sure.
I doubt those kids that made the remarks were being malicious, they just noticed your son was a bit "different" looking and they were too young to handle it. Obviously their own mom has not had the talk with them about all people being different and that you shouldnt say anything..... and that's unfortunate but will never go away. Don't let it get to you, but do use it as an opportunity to remember to enforce to your kids how great they are as much as possible. If THEY think they are great, they will be... and they wont let stupid people make them feel bad.

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Hi B. :-)

I don't have any answers as far as your son's teeth although I do know that the first dental visit is a long way off. What I do have to offer is an understanding of your reaction.

Your son is 3 1/2 and did not seem to understand at a conscious level what was being said about him. Children can seem to be mean, but they are just working off of the intelligence and boundaries they have at particular ages. They are looking at their world and comparing. With all of the TV commercials, magazines, children's books and TV shows that are "teaching" our children what is "normal" and what is not, it is not shocking when they make comparison to what they are being told is "normal or beautiful" and what is not.

The best way you can contribute to the consciousness of children is to show your two boys the MANY unique ways the universe expresses itself! So many different colors, sizes, shapes and abilities :-)

It seems that your response of crying and sadness is because these comments have triggered subconscious memories of experiences growing up either witnessing or experiencing the same kind of behavior. When they tell us having children means we will be going through "being a child again".. they were right! My child is 23 years old now, but I sure lived a few childhood lifetimes bringing her up!

So be gentle on yourself, go into your heart and give yourself some love and remind your heart that indeed, we are ALL unique.. similar and different at the same time, and each of us deserves to be recognized for just who we are. I would take every opportunity that shows up to teach my child these 'differences and similarities' so that as he grows, it will all just seem "natural".

hugs,
A. www.amyfreundbodytalk.com

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It was wonderful that your son didn't take the comments as personally as you did. And I'm sorry that you were stung so. There is a great lesson in that contrast – the pain of insult and ridicule actually exist in the mind of the receiver, no matter what the intentions of the sender. I've had the wonderful experience of learning to laugh off insults and cruelties (it's something I had a hard time doing during menopause, though!).

You already know that your son's appearance is only the tiniest part of the whole and wonderful person he is. Help him learn the freedom in that knowledge by learning it deeply for yourself. Your sensitivity is understandable, AND it may also reveal that you still have work to do in this area. That's okay – most of us do. But you don't want your anxieties to make him feel less confident.

My grandson, almost 5, is quite frank in his observations, and it's not intended to be mean. He's actually quite curious about things like why Granny has wrinkles, why Poppie is bald on top, why a mongoloid child has an odd-looking face, why that man's skin is so dark, why that lady has to use a wheelchair.

It can sure be awkward if he makes these comments loudly in public, but he doesn't seem to be sensitive enough yet to be able yet to censor himself. I actually managed to quickly clap my hand over his mouth when he recently started asking about an extremely obese woman within her earshot. But we take all of his questions as an opportunity to explain diversity, and what qualities are the most important to cultivate.

If someone were to scold him for asking an honest question, it would puzzle him, I think, but he'd probably take it in and use it to adjust his future questions. Or not. He doesn't mean to hurt, and so if someone is actually hurt by his comments, that's really their own thoughts about the situation that are hurting them. This is a wonderful truth to ponder if you're trying to find a way to deal with your worries about your son's physical appearance.

I wish you all peaceful thoughts and good cheer!

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I don't know if I can totally give you the answers you are looking for, but my only thought was, without knowing the age of the boys, they may not have meant to be mean or poke fun. Many kids at ages 3,4,5,6, and even older, don't have a "filter" and can say things because they are just noticing and pointing out differences in people and don't realize or intend for the things they say to be hurtful. It's up to us as parents to teach them manners and empathy and how the things they may say can be hurtful and why. But until then, it's pretty normal for young kids to say things like, "Wow! That lady is really fat!" or "Why can't that man walk right?" It's embarrassing for sure, but that's when we have to step in and point out that it's not polite to say such things and that you can talk about it more later.

You did not mention if these boys parents were near by, but it seems that you are taking it harder than your son is. He's really too young yet to have a sense that he might look a little different from everyone else and maybe the sooner you get him seen by a pediatric dental specialist, the better. If for nothing more than to get a handle on his speech. It will be hard enough for him to look different without also sounding different and people have trouble understanding him. Hopefully in the future if some kid says anything, a parent will be close by to correct him.

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Please take your son to a pediatric orthodontist, not just a regular dentist. I pediatric dentist might be able to give you a referral.
My niece has a similar problem your son has. Both of her jaws (upper and lower) are too small (genetically) and she also has a recessed chin and overbite. Her's is not cosmetically so obvious, but a pediatric dentist had told my sister when my niece was baby (for her first appt at one year old) that she needed to be treated early in order to allow enough room for her permanent teeth later.
She is four now and this year she has been prescribed a retainer-like device (looks like a cross of a pacifier and a retainer) to start her treatment and break the thumb sucking/paci habit. She will also start speech therapy later, like your son, she is not delayed, but has trouble speaking clearly. However, her ped has suggested that speech therapy is useless until her orthodontic issues are being addressed.
Definitely get him evaluated now so that you can have a time frame for treatment in place. It often takes time (months) to get in with a good orthodontist, more time (weeks-months) to get insurance approval or if you have to pay out of pocket you will have to arrange financing or save up. These treatments are quite expensive and can last years.
Good luck!

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Oh, I hate when things like that happen! My own mama tiger instincts flared up just reading this. However, if the kids were really young and didn't know what they were saying had hurtful ramifications, I would next time try to take a deep breath and then try to model saying something that your son could use as a mantra in his own head at a later date. I might try saying something like, "Hey, isn't it great that we all have something about us that is unique? I mean, look at my son-- his beautiful eyes blow me away every single day. Oh, and his great personality!!-- something to die for!" I might even emphasize the words "my son" so they know this kiddo has a mother on the lookout... If anything, those poor clods who may or may not have had much home training can maybe look differently at your son and other children differently the next time.

Just as an aside, my own daughter had a bunch of little gaps between her teeth which she knew made her look quite different from her friends. I took her to the pediatric dentist who said this would serve her well when her big teeth come in. When someone made a comment to her in front of me (she was crushed), I said, "Yes, isn't it great? She has room for those big teeth that will come in one day!" I just wanted to put a positive spin on it for her to say herself when I am not around.

I wish you lots of luck with your little guys! What a great mama you are!

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I suggest you take a clue from your son who didn't know he was being criticized. Really, what does it matter what someone else says as long as you (ie: your son) know he's a worthwhile person? I suggest you need to develop a thicker skin and continue to expect your son to shrug off such comments.

A strong sense of self-worth will go a long way towards helping him cope with critical remarks.

I also suggest that the boys were just making a comment about their observation. I think you did the right thing by ignoring them. IF you had made a comment then you'd be turning the situation into a big deal when in reality, because your son wasn't offended, wasn't a big deal. You want your son to continue to ignore such remarks and so you also ignore them. If he does grow to take offense or be hurt then you can say to the other kids that what they said was hurtful. And to your son, at a different time, that kids can be hurtful but what is important is that he knows he's just fine the way he is. Build up his self-esteem.

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:-) Kids can be cruel. It would be very hard for any mama to respond calmly in this situation. You handled it the best you could at the time.
It is better your son didn't realize he was being made fun of.

I was told by a pediatric dentist that braces aren't done until at least age 8, minimum and with the understanding braces would have to be worn for many years and probally a second time in high school. A pediatric dentist would know after seeing your child.

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One of the most important things I ever learned was
OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS OF ME ARE NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
These were children.
No one ever taught them not to make comments
about other people's appearance.
Of course it was nasty and hurtful.
However . . . . how much time and energy
do you want to expend on this event?
It shouldn't have happened.
But it did.
Worse things have happened and people have survived.

YES. See a pediatric dentist.
Get an opinion and a potential plan of action.

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I agree, kids can me mean! I have heard kids tell my daughter mean things as well. I just tell them "that's not nice to say." They look at me in fright! My daughter gets solace in the fact I noticed. I think it also depends on the child. My daughter tells them right off!

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My daughter was made fun of with me right there but she was called "baby" by a kid her age. Afterwards, she told me about it again and I asked her if she was a baby. She said no, she's a toddler. I told her she could tell the kid that if he said anything again.

If you can empower your son to respond, that's a big confidence booster for him and also gently tells other kids that your kid will stand up for himself.

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Only answer to #1....
"That is not okay to say to him! You should go find your mama. I don't want to hear talk like that."

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This is a really tough situation because kids have a tendancy when they are really young to blurt out such honesty even if it is is innapropriate or hurtful. Most of the time it is not meant to be hurtful, however as kids get a little older they can become mean and will say rude things with the intent to be hurtful. If this happens again and it is the innocent honesty of a child I would simply and matter of factly explain to your child and the child that said something to your child that "everybody in the world is different from everybody else in the way that we look, but we all have the same feelings inside, we all love and get our feelings hurt, and that it doesn't matter what a persons face looks like because everyone is different, it matters how much love a person gives out and it matters how nice and friendly we are to eachother." If this happens when the children are older and it is obvious that the child is intending to be mean and hurtful.....call them out on it. say "That is really mean of you to say, and the only reason I can think of for you to say it is to hurt ______'s feelings, why would you want to hurt someone's feelings? You've had your feelings hurt, right? If you don't like it why would you make someone else feel like that?" Then tell them that they are old enough to understand that everybody in the world is different and it's not what a person looks like that matters but how they treat people, and that they didn't treat your son very well. Try not to let your son see you cry about it, be strong in standing up for him so that he learns to be strong in standing up for himself. As far as the ortho, I don't know much about that, but my daughter did have caps put on her teeth at 2yrs because I was neglectful about taking her bottle away at age 1. So I know they can do work on young children. I would take him to a pediatric ortho, or oral surgeon. Best of luck to you.

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My daughter had two phases of braces: consultation with the best orthodontist at 7, an expander (couple of months) and braces for a year beginning at age 8. We did phase two when she was twelve and everything was done before high school.

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Not saying that this is what you 'should' have done but it is probably what I would have done: said to those little brats (away from my son's earshot) "don't you know it isn't nice to make fun of people. you are pretty funny looking yourself by the way" But that's just me and I tend to be over the top when it comes to my kids.

I would see an orthodontist for an evaluation. A ped dentist is not going to know as much either....and it will be the ortho that you will go to anyhow.

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Your boys should be going to the dentist regularly at this age. Every six months is recommended. Find a good Pediatric Dentist and make sure you talk with them about your desires for your little guy. Maybe he/she could recommend a good Pediatric Orthodontist.

You also need to brush at least 2 times per day and floss every night. My 3 yr old boy had his check up in Sept. and the dentist was surprised that I was doing my parental duty of brushing and flossing regularly. She said only about 20-30% of the kids 3yrs old have regular flossing habits. Start now and get them in the habit.

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My son wore hearing aids from 2-3 years old. Kids would say stuff about him everywhere we went. My son didn't realize what was going on, but I would turn and give them the meanest "mom" look I could and that would usually fix it. One time at the park these two boys were going on and on to his face. I let it go on for a little while and finally told them if they couldn't be nice that the needed to move on and told my son not to play with them as they could not play nicely. The mother came over and said how sorry she was. Sometimes you have to judge between the "look" and saying something.

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