My Son Getting Hit at School - First Grade

It sounds like the mom is in denial about her child's condition. The kid most likely isn't getting the help he needs and until he does, this behavior will continue. I see the mom as the issue, but her son will start to suffer soon if she doesn't get him some help.

I would press the issue with the school. Parents are going to start getting pissed off if this child continues to hit & kick & doesn't shape up. He is disrupting learning time & being aggressive towards others. It's not fair to the other kids. A "time out" is not going to help this kid. What he needs is for the school & his mother to partner & come up with a plan.

An autistic child should have a aide at school to oversee his or her day. It sounds like the poor kid has just been tossed into school without proper help in place. It also sounds like the mom is in a bit of denial with how much work needs to be put into his behavior lessons. His behavior is the fault of the adults in his life that are not giving him the kind of attention and care he needs. It can be a tough road, but with time and work he can get along socially with other kids.

The mom needs to get a grip and realize her son needs more help than what he is getting. It's sad when kids need help and the parents don't see it.

I tell my kids to loudly tell the other kid to STOP and leave them alone. I talk to the teacher, so he/she can watch out for interactions between the kids. Finally, if nothing else works, I tell my kids to hit back. Sorry, but they don't need to stand by and be hit. If someone hits you and telling them stop and other adults don't help, hit back.

Until the mom accepts that her son is responsible for his actions, she's not going to deal with this. And she may never accept it. Whether it's because he is autisic and she wants to protect him, or just because she is a parent who feels her child is never to blame -- the reason doesn't matter.

You must continue to push this not just with the teacher now but at the level of the counselor and principal, together. If other parents know for a fact their kids are being hit, join with them in talking to the principal about whether this boy is in the right educational setting for him, considering he has little impulse control.

In first grade, a similar boy in our school (not autistic, though) was made to have a desk literally touching the teachers' desk so he was not sitting in a group of desks with other kids. He spent a lot of each day in the principal's office doing his schoolwork there because he could not keep his hands off kids. He repeated first grade and has sorted out his rough tendencies. But we had a very experienced (25 years teaching) first grade teacher who swiftly moved to deal with him. Your teacher is not dealing with this, possibly out of fear that the mom will claim the teacher is singling out her child for his disability.

Um...my son is also autistic (granted, he's high functioning, and I don't know where your friend's son is on the spectrum). He has never gotten physical with another child. And that's because we taught him from day one that it wasn't acceptable.

Your friend is doing her son a disservice. He's probably capable of doing and learning a whole heck of a lot more than she gives him credit for. But SHE won't teach him, he CAN'T do it, he's autistic, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, she's put herself in the role of martyr and her son in the role of victim. She'll use that to excuse his AND her own behavior unless someone gives her a swift kick in the pants. Hopefully, the school will do that.

Keep pushing the school to address the behavior. It's unacceptable that his classmates have to live in fear of being physically assaulted just because his mother won't step up. Ugh, I'm so disappointed when I hear about parents using their kids' medical problems to excuse behaviors that *could* be modified. If this child is in a mainstream classroom, he is perfectly capable of learning that hitting is a no-no, autistic or not.

The non-physical response: I would tell your son, each and every time this child pokes or hits him, to get right in his face and yell "YOU STOP HITTING/POKING ME RIGHT NOW! DO NOT EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!!!" Then walk away.

If he stands up for himself consistently, the kid will leave him alone.

The physical response: My personal opinion (which some others will not agree with) is that your son needs to punch this kid in the nose just one time. Then, when he's standing there crying, you son should say "If you don't want to get punched in the nose again, don't hit me."

I tell my boys, "We don't start fights, but if we need to we'll finish them." That might be the Scotch-Irish in me.

ETA: The child is clearly high-functioning on the autistic spectrum...if he weren't, he wouldn't be in a mainsteam classroom. He'd be in the special ed class. Since he's HFA, he IS capable of learning without an aide, and should be expected to. Sounds like his mother is part of the problem, not the solution.

No child should have to tolerate this on a daily basis just because the mother of the "bully" won't own up to his behavioral issues.

Document everything. Ask the teacher how she handles the discipline of the child. Go to the principal. Ask for your child to be moved out of the class so he can stay safe. You have this right.

This is ridiculous, and YOU and YOUR child should not have to be even concerned with this. The school and mother is at fault for not correcting this.

Good luck!

It sounds like the child needs an IEP and an aide. I assume the school can make that suggestion to the parents. If not, I would speak with the principal about what her plan is for protecting your son and the other students. I would let her know that the current situation is not acceptable and that you expect your child to be safe in school. If she cannot provide a good plan, let her know you will be moving on to the superintendent next, along with the parents whose children are also being hit.

First off-you are going to most likely have to 'break up' with your friend over this. It doesn't sound like you have any other choice if she defends him like that. So---stop worrying about her. Time to start really being proactive about helping your little boy. I cannot imagine the terror that he goes through with this. ANd just because he doesn't always voice it doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. Time to take a HARD LINE approach. Call a mtg with the principla, teacher, counselor and nurse to let them know that you will now have a zero tolerance policy for this behavior. Your son is being physically abused at school and it WILL stop. Tell them you will hold them all accountable if it happens again. Tell them that you may have to go to the police even or call a lawyer. What you should hope to happen is for them to switch your son or the child out of that class. If they cannot do that then major changes have to happen with how they deal with this child. He may have to sit in the principal or nurses office all day. He may need an aid with him at all times. Whatever-they just need to fix it and it is up to them to figure it out.

I'd work through the school, not the mom. The school knows the kid is physical, and they have a responsibility to protect the kids. They need to either have him kept separate from the other kids with an aide or require that he be placed into a special ed classroom. Your child does NOT have to continue to be beat up by another child regardless of the reason for the other child's behaviors. Clearly, the teacher is not able to handle this, so I would be talking to the principal and up to the Superintendent if necessary. Tell the teacher that you wil be discussing this with the principal, as physical assaults on your child are in no way acceptable.

I agree with Mallory P., but don't waste your time calling the police. I went to the police when my grandchildren were being bullied and the school was not doing anything about it despite the fact that the after school program director and a citizen who was walking their dog at the school witnessed 3 boys attack my grandson and they notified the school! The police were very sympathetic and gave us some informational pamphlets that I then shared with the school, but they said that due to the age of the kids, they could not do anything to help us.

What had a BIG impact was having a letter sent to the principal, copied to the superintendent of the school district advising that if they did not handle the matter, they would be sued. They were now on official notice of the ongoing problem.

After getting that letter, a new procedure was put in place where the bullies were sent to the office 5 minutes before dismissal and had to stay until 15 minutes after the bell rang to allow the other children to go home without being bullied by these thugs.

So, go to the cops for information because that's all they can do, and then go to a lawyer and have a letter written on legal letterhead. That's the ONLY way to get their attention - threaten their wallet!

the little boy either needs his own aide that can watch him continuously or he needs to go to a school for children who are autistic, cannot be mainstreamed into public school and have lots of resources. I wouldn't tolerate it. I would not wait for my child to be shoved down a flight of steps and crack his head open because some parent cannot adequately educate her child without putting others in harms way.

Where is this kids aide???!
A child that physical should have a shadow.
Teach your son to LOUDLY say "STOP!", "NO!" or similar when this child touches him.
If it continues, with the involvement of the teacher & school, have your son moved to another classroom.

Take this issue back to the teacher.

My first thought is that this boy needs an aide that is with him all day at school, so that he has the individual guidance he needs to be able to function in a classroom setting, without it ending up with punches for the other kids or the teacher unable to teach due to having to babysit him.

Bring up the idea of an aide, which the school may be responsible for providing. If that doesn't work, take it up the chain of command.

And stay away from the other mom--if she can't see that it's not okay for her son to hit, then it's best to keep some distance between you and her. If you have to interact, do express sympathy for the issue, but also ask her how she would feel if another boy came up and did the same thing to hers----even if the other boy didn't know better and couldn't understand appropriate behaviour, she wouldn't just let it go--she would want it to stop. But again, I would say to minimize contact with her, but don't be mean about it.

Do role play with your son, mimicing the behaviour of the other boy. Talk him through it first, then act it out. Act out a couple of scenarios, like using his voice, walking away, getting a teacher, etc. And do it more than once.

My son is also on the spectrum, is mainstreamed, and though he does push on occasion when he gets overly upset, it is not tolerated and he doesn't do it all the time. Work through the school as the others have recommended. Good luck!

Calling the mom isn't doing the trick, so the next time the teacher mentions it and says she has spoken to the mother, ask her what other steps she is taking to protect your son from this boy. While I agree that his behavior is ultimately the mom's responsibility, while the kids are in class, the teacher is responsible for keeping your child safe, and just because the mom isn't being cooperative doesn't absolve her of that. Your child doesn't have to accept being abused because mom (who isn't even there) isn't stepping up to the plate. The teacher needs a plan about how to address and prevent this at school. And if talking to the mother isn't working, something else needs to be done. If the teacher does not do anything more, it is time to involve the principal and possibly the school board. Good luck.

My question to her would be, "If its not his fault, then who's fault is it?" If she then says he can't help it, then I'd comeback that he could help it but you are excusing and enabling him to make him think that what ever he does is ok.

They taught him to talk. They taught him to walk. They taught him to go in the bathroom rather than on the hall carpet. They taught him to use a fork and a spoon. They can teach him not to hit.

Good luck to you and yours.

I like Christy Lee's response. We teach our kids, if someone hits you, first you tell them to stop. If they don't stop, you are allowed to defend yourself and hit them back. I think it's time to teach your son to fight back a little and then maybe the other kid will back off.

There are a few aspects to this...it's the bully at school (if he exists), it's her son's autism and behavior combined, and then there is her denial (she knows he's doing it, knows he has a condition but doesn't believe any of it is his fault)....in my opinion the hardest to combat is the mom's attitude. Someone needs to make sure the teacher is aware of the bully (in case it is legitimate) and they need to address that. The teachers/school administrators need to work towards improving his behavior (which may require special interventions due to his autism). The mom needs a reality check...yes, he son has autism and may have a harder time controlling his behavior but telling him "it's not your fault" because of his condition and/or a bully is not going to help her son at all...she needs to be more like "honey, it is not your fault someone else may bully you or even your autism BUT it is not ok to hit and we need to work hard to behavior properly".

I am in no way saying her son can completely control his behavior but giving him a "it's not his fault" pass is going to make everyone's life harder in the end. Unfortunately, outside of calling her on this, there really isn't anything you can do about that. What you can do is take steps to protect your child. This is what I suggest:

Regarding school -
1. Talk to the teacher. Tell her that you realize she can not really discuss the other boy but since his behavior is negatively impacting your son you want to address a few things...first is your son being hit and your understanding that it is happening to other and second is that you have heard the autistic child may also be being bullied (and that could be making his behavior worse). Ask her what steps she is taking to protect your child from this continuing and at what point will they take a more proactive role in stopping this behavior (ie removing this boy from the class room to protect the whole class).
2. Following up with an email to the teacher summarizing what you discussed and expectatations.
3. Allow her the time to do as discussed/agreed unless it escalates more.
4. If it does not improve soon, talk to the teacher and then contact the principal...armed with your email and a log of the issues (dates, times, etc.). If you can, discuss with other parents to see if they have the same issues and if so, you can come together as a united front.
5. If proper action is not taken, go to the school board.

Regarding your friend/neighbor -
1. Tell her that you value her friendship and you genuinely care for her son's well being. Tell her you understand that her son has autism and that you realize it may affect his self control and behavior BUT can not allow your son to continue being hurt.
2. Tell her that if her son is being bullied she should speak up rather than just accept his behavior in response because it is not fair to her son or the other kids.
3. Tell her that until her son can interact less physically, you just can't allow them to play together.
4. Encourage her to seek the resources that can help her son because the sooner that happens, the sooner they can help him (school districts should have resources).

I'm really not sure how to phrase this because I understand all sides of this. There are a few things at play here, but I guarantee that poor parenting is not one of them. In a moment of frustration she told you that she's told her son it's not his fault because of seeing another boy do it at school, but the fact is that you said yourself he was hitting a couple of years ago.

The boy has a tendency to hit already. If he sees other children hitting, it may be making an impression on him enough to mimic BUT he would also see this other boy getting in trouble for it too and THAT would make an impression on him.

Boys on the spectrum can be (but are not always) a little more aggressive physically. Children in general on the spectrum are developmentally behind in a lot of ways, so teaching them things like impulse control (hitting, for instance, which is instinctive) takes extra effort and time. My 10 year old daughter is often like having a toddler in many, many ways most especially with her emotions and impulse control. The more emotionally upset or excited she is, the more she can be physically unaware of herself.

It's also important to consider that while people with Autism feel emotions very intensely, very sensitively, it's still very, very difficult for them to imagine what someone else is feeling. They can be hyper-aware of their own personal space and how other people make them feel emotionally and physically, and have this "bubble" of space around them... but that bubble of understanding doesn't expand to other people. Not only can they NOT put themselves in someone else's shoes, they don't usually even understand what that phrase means. It's very likely that all he knows is, "We don't hit people, it hurts them" but he doesn't know what that means. He can't figure out that other people get injured or their feelings get hurt because of his actions. At six years old, that's not uncommon. It's only been in the last year or year and a half that my 10 year old even STARTED figuring this out.

This isn't an excuse, but an explanation so that maybe people can understand a little bit of the process that's going on. This little boy isn't trying to misbehave. The mom really does sound lost. She needs help and maybe you can suggest to her that she sets up an emergency PPT meeting so adjust his IEP and behavior plan. Having a recess aide simply tell him, "don't do that" isn't working, clearly. They have to figure out what's going on and maybe assign him a one-on-one paraprofessional to help him with the more challenging behaviors at school. They might also be able to point Mom in the direction of some support services outside of school.

Tough situation but here is my suggestion:
1. Ask the school for a FBA (Functional Behavior Assessment) by a BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst) so the reason or function of the hitting can be found out.
2. An aide trained in dealing with this behavior needs to be given to the boy who hits.
3. It is likely the child hits for attention and doesn't know another way to gain attn from this little boy esp if they used to play togther. This child needs to learn how to gain attn appropriately and your child needs some peer coaching on how to be assertive and also give this boy some attn before he hits. A good aide trained in good ABA should be sought by the parent in their IEP to do these things. Mom also needs to be taught how to do these things, too.
This is only a little bit that may help as the child's hitting can be due to other reasons also. I hope this helps!

You can raise a stink about this and the school may find the funds to get this child an aide. Last year in pre-K my grandson was a total terror. At Christmas break the aide quit to be a stay at home mom. When school started back up the teacher had 2 aides. One for my grandson and 1 or 2 other boys, she was directly responsible for interacting with them and trying to keep them out of trouble so the teacher could manage the classroom and the teaching part.

I think this really helped him to be able to stay in the classroom more. He might have went off and started throwing chairs or what ever he could get his hands on if that aid had not been there to redirect and interrupt him when she could see he was about to get really upset about something.

By making a fuss about this through the school you are saying that you want them to do something constructive and they are going to have to help your son have a safer environment while in their care.

Okay, the boy is Autistic.
You all know that.
Now, in school at my kids' school, an Autistic child has an Aide with them in school. And the Aide, facilitates the child and handles the child. Not the Teacher.
What is going on, per this child in class???
It should not be allowed.
Not everyone, knows how nor can handle, an Autistic child.
It is something in which a Skills Trainer or Aide, needs to handle.
Teachers... are NOT Specialists in Autism.

The MOM... needs to get an Aide for her son IN SCHOOL.
AND have a Therapist for him.
She does not seem to be doing this, for her son.

BOTH of my kids, have had Autistic classmates. BUT these kids have Aides WITH THEM IN CLASS. And it has NEVER been a problem in class for the other kids.

I would have something in writing sent to the school and the mother putting them on notice and that it will not be tolerated.

Since you know the Mom, my first thought was that you should have a heart to heart with her regarding her son's behavior. However, she clearly doesn't think that he has to take any responsibility for his own behavior so you won't get anywhere there.

Sounds like the teacher is trying and is frustrated and getting nowhere. Sadly, it sounds time to involve the Principal. No way would I put up with my child getting hit every day...You will probably lose your friendship with this Mom, but so be it... Your child has to come first here.