My Relationship with My Deceased Husbands Family.

To much drama for me, lol. My husband passed away a year ago this past June, and my ex-inlaws very seldom even talk to us we literally live maybe 10 miles from each other. I was beginning to think I wish they would but after reading this post I'm kinda glad they don't Good luck to you!!!

I would give you a few pieces of advice.
1) You miss your family. Go visit them. I don't know how much vacation you get with your job, but go for 2 weeks if you can. Really spend time with them. You miss them, and that is fixable.
2) Find another sitter for your son. If GGM watched your son all the time you were training, she might be feeling taken advantage of. But she doesn't know how to say that so she's complaining about the party. Take some of the burden off of her. And then you'll also feel less indebted.
3) Let this roll off your back. You know what really happened, and it doesn't sound like the person who planned the party is upset. Just answer "I'll try to take that into consideration next time." Let it go.

Honestly, I think it sounds like a normal family! I know they are not related by blood to you, only your son, but they really are our family. Many families have one person that they need to just learn to let it "roll off their back". You did nothing wrong. The person throwing the party wasn't upset. Great Grandma is just set in her ways. My hubby's grandma gets fussy about stuff too. You just have to let it go.

Don't distance yourself from people that have become your family over one person.

Yeah, you will never please this kind of person.

"Never Take your son away from them" is kind of telling. He is YOUR son.
He is as much your parents grandchild as he is theirs. I think you have entered an emeshed family. It has it's upsides, like the free babysitting, and it's downsides, like the everybody in your business and feelings hurt over a simple birthday party. You are really hurt and angry over this woman's controlling behavior. If you were not so indebted to her or had a better self esteem, you would see this as the tempest in a teapot, that it really is.

Take some time to look at your situation and see where you can stop being so dependent on their good graces. If you are suffocating, get that pillow off your head. You can do this by taking charge of your life.

Read "Boundaries". You can find it at the library, if you need to. You can keep smiling. Keep a friendly relationship but make some daylight between you and these people! Find your on way in life. You sound awesome, with the marathon and all. I am sure you can understand where family obligation ends. It's where your right to a life begins.

I would let it go in one ear and out the other. Her comments are very annoying but she sounds like a good person who would do anything for you and your son. Take everything she says with a grain of salt, be happy and do what you want when you want. If you miss a party so be it.

ADD: Perhaps everyone, including you, needed the super closeness and connection after your husband's passing. But you do need to have your own life and separate out in a healthy way. I don't know if it would be worth talking to someone like a grief counselor about this issue, and how to do it, but maybe it would help. Getting an outside perspective and help may be wht you need to help build healthy boundaries without causing "distance".

ORIGINAL: If the only person who is doing this is GGM, out of the entire family, and if the rest of the family has a grip on reality and you love them, then just let it roll off your back because she's an old biddy. If the whole family is a problem, that's different, but if it's just her, then keep respecting/ignoring. Everyone knew the run was happening (even her), they were fine about it (it seems) and just had to schedule to fit as many people's plans as possible.

Some people just like to complain. Let them, and move on.

Do take time to visit your family, though. And if you want to be near them, move. But DON'T let cranky old lady control your life by ruining relationships you DO like because of one you don't.

If I read your post correctly, everything was wonderful with your in-laws until this one incident? Maybe something is going on with GGM that she isn't saying. Is there anyway that you can get her or GGF to open up why she is making a big production out of this when it was not a problem with the birthday child's own mother?

While it sounds like you are inclined to run from the situation, it sounds like something that can be resolved with a deeper communication than has already occurred.

Maybe by telling her, "I feel you are mad because..." it may get her to open up further to what is really bothering her.

Part of me says its time to go home to Texas because it seems like, since you are the connection to their son, they can have complete control over you. Then the other part of me says, they seem like a typical crazy family
Who really do care deeply for you and your son.

You were very you g when your husband passed and staying I. New Jersey was what you needed then. Now I am not so sure. Have you started to date at all. Would they object. Might just be time for a change.

I know not a big help. Tough situation. Good luck.

Find a new babysitter that isn't in the family.

If you want to gain some distance you will have to find a new babysitter. Grandma can still do it from time to time but you can not rely on her for all the time (like when you are working) or she will always be able to hold that over your head.

" She said that I needed to remember that I had a family and that what goes around comes around ".

They are your extended family, You and your Son are your little family. Your Son is the only one thats related blood wise to them but so is your parents in Texas.

26 yrs old is quite young to be widowed and at the time his family nurtured you. Now at 32, you're getting the light bulb moment, and you have stretch your wings out. You no longer in mourning and enjoying running. There is always going to be family issues, and its time for you to see and think out side the box and still include them in your Sons life.

sounds like granny is getting old & crabby. Sounds like her reign as matriarch is going to her head. & it also sounds like this is "normal" for the family. & it's really not a bad thing. :)

it also sounds like you are pulling away from them emotionally. Your freedom while running is presenting you with an inner strength....& is eating away at their presence in your life.

the problem is: you are dependent upon their love & services. Your son knows no other life. You need to take a long look at what is important in your life. As a parent, your son's needs to be placed first.

as others have mentioned, start with finding options for his childcare needs. Think about how you can train differently....what about running on a track & let him ride his bike? Great bonding time for both of you!

by making these small changes, you will regain your independence & loosen the reins Big Momma holds. :)

If I read the post right (and frankly it was pretty long and involved), you have other relatives by marriage there who don't do this. And this is the worst that the GGM has done though she does tend to nitpick at you about choices etc., correct? I would let it slide now but file it under "Let's see if this becomes a pattern." I agree that she was out of line but also think you are overthinking this and dwelling on it too intensely. If you are this sensitive and upset over every time she carps at you, you are indeed going to have issues; you are the mother, the child is yours and not hers, and missing one birthday party for a kid who's not your own is no crime. You need to get stronger about GGM's comments, and not let the comments get to you this badly; if you can't, you do need to ramp back on contact with GGM -- but be warned she is going to come after you once she realizes you are not using her to babysit as much.

I would start working gradually on building a life a little less entwined with theirs but at the same time - you are VERY fortunate to have their support. Sit down and see if you can be objective enough to weigh what they do for you versus putting up with GGM nagging at you a bit. I also agree with the poster who noted that if you start dating again, you may be in for friction with your late husband's family; keep that in your mind, not as a mark against them (because....they haven't given you any flak over a boyfriend who doesn't exist yet) but just so that if you start to date you have thought through how you will handle it with them.

If there are other adults around your age in the family, can you talk with them? Can you get a "read" from them on whether GGM does this kind of thing to them and how they deal with it and get it to roll off their backs?

One thing about moving to Texas in a huff over this: When you get there, there is every chance your own family, great though they are, has its issues too, and that your own relatives will cling to your son and tell you how to raise him too. Just something to consider. The grass is always greener....

You need to stop depending on her for babysitting first. She feels that she has a certain level of control over you because you need her to watch your son. Make other arrangements. It sounds like they really circled the wagons around you and helped you when you were at your lowest point with the death of your husband. You needed that at that time. However, six years have passed and you have recovered and moved on with your life to the point that you don't need that same level of support.

I don't know if you ever intend to date again, but what happens if you do? Will they support you on this or will there be friction? Bless you because you appear to be a VERY strong woman who has overcome a lot of really hard things. It's OK that you want to be independent.

You were married to your husband, not his family. I know that it is hard to separate the two entities because having one comes with the other but it is true. Your allegiance, your love, and everything you put into it was with your late husband.....not his family members. I admire you greatly for suffering the loss of your husband but remaining so close to his family in New Jersey. I also hope that you can eventually allow yourself to balance out the situation by also remembering that your own family loves you too and I'm sure they care for you and your son deeply. It sounds to me like this step-mother that you have is a control freak and very used to steam rolling everyone and everything. I don't know how old she is but my guess is old enough that she'll never change. With people like this, you either have to cut yourself off completely and not allow the toxic behavior to be a part of your life or you have to literally ignore it away. I totally understand that you want your son and your late husband's family to have a good relationship but that cannot come at the price of your sanity and well-being. Respect has got to be there and this woman has none. She is bossy, a know-it-all, and thrives on creating drama and unrest. SAD. Just plain SAD. However, she got this rise to power from everyone else being passive around her and never challenging her and her behavior. Well, why would you because she would probably just retaliate or make your life a living hell anyway, right? You are entitled to live your life, your way. Do the things you like to do and want to do....and also things for your son as well. I think if the respect you are looking for is not where it should be, and this woman is the miserable mope that she seems to be, you literally have to start distancing yourself from this. The other decision is to be completely impervious to everything she slings your way. Let it all roll off you like water on a bottle of baby oil! I don't see it any other way. I'd love for you to try to talk this out but I know this type all too well and I'm afraid the talking will only be one-sided....from her to you and that's that! It hurts when people have to be this way. It's upsetting and disappointing. Why don't you give it some time away and focus on your own extended family for awhile. Give it a break and a breather to see what pans out. Reconnect with your parents and siblings and let them get to know your son better. Whatever you do, don't stop running! Run...run...and never look back! I wish you all the best with this. Do what makes YOU happy and take people like this with a grain of salt. Don't expend extra energy on this person. Life is just too short to make them a priority!

Maybe you can start by using their babysitting less frequently (utilize a friend or the parents of one of you son's friends...maybe trade off with them).

You should probably talk to her and tell explain that you felt that she was upset with you about missing a party that wasn't planned even 5 days before even though your marathon committment had been in the works for months. Explain that you don't like to miss things but missing something occassionally, especially with lack of notice and/or a legitimate reason is to be expected. Remind them that you ALWAYS miss your side of the family's events (don't say YOUR family but rather your SIDE of the family so as to not make her think you don't consider them family which would result in more hurt feelings). Ask her if something more is going on.

I have to wonder if you have met someone else or they may think you have and feel that you are pulling away from your husband's family.

Your own family, must miss you and your son.
They do not have access to you or your son, like your in-laws do etc.
I would, refocus and spend time with your family.

You are the one, that decided to be around the in-laws.
They now seem to think you "owe" them, for all that they have done. And maybe they are tired of it. Who knows.
But they seem to have gotten less in patience. All around.
You did a lot as a Wife before your Husband died, and for your in-laws being with them, since then.
But maybe you just need to re-evaluate all of that.
Not that you cut them off, but you and your son also have to know your own, family too. And fortunately, your own Mom does not grumble about... how much are are with the in-laws and not them etc.

Your Husband passed.
But that does not mean, you have to live your life, in your in-laws realm forever. They seem to have done a lot for you/your son. And they see you as just going running/doing marathons all the time. And they are now, making comments about it.
This is like cold water in your face. But, it is also an indication that they are maybe getting tired of it. And sure, maybe they think they "own" you because they have done so much for you and your son. So you need to think about that.
Or maybe they need more appreciation.

I would not expect them to keep doing so much. I would start to change your routines with them. And be more independent from them.
But not in a rude manner. They have done a lot for you and your son, after all. But that does not mean you owe them for the rest of you life.
And they also have to realize that everyone has different ways of living.
You can live your life. BUT up until now, you have chosen... to be among your in-laws. And to have them do things for your son and babysitting and you chose....to be a heavy part of your Husband's family. And so, you ALSO... have set up this "routine" and dynamic with them.
But now you feel, shackled by it.
It is not only their fault.

And aside from that: they do not see your running or marathons as a priority. But you do. And they do babysit a lot, for you.
That is what they, see.

Oh, boy. I know that this is beyond difficult, and it sounds like you have done an excellent job of staying connected and keeping your son connected.

I don't think that you should have any big discussion. You have handled it well thus far and just need to learn more how to not let it bother you. That's hard. Get out of the habit of defending yourself or over-explaining. If you believe that you do not owe an explanation for every little thing, then do not give one. Learn how to turn things around and force her to tell you exactly what she expects of you, so you can address that directly, instead of over-explaining and still not necessarily hitting the nail. Like with that phone call. When she started in on "checking in", you should have said something like, "What do you mean?" or "How do you think that I should have handled that?" Make her spell out to you exactly what she wants from you, so you can address that thing directly.

--How do you think that I should have handled that?
--You should have called to let GM know that you would not be available.
--Well, I did that. At the time, she told me that she didn't have anything planned, and I told her that if she decided to do something on THAT DAY, then he would be with you and had my permission to attend the party (because you don't want the fact that YOU are the mommy to get lost in there). What else do think that I should have done?

I know that in the moment we naturally jump to defending ourselves, and we aren't in a place to consider the motivation of the other person. And wouldn't we all love to have someone writing our scripts so we can always say the "right" thing? I get that, and I'm guilty of wishing that I'd said/done something else. I am just wanting you to get into the mindset that would lend to responses that might work better for you. Don't live your life like you owe her/them or like you are afraid of her response to you. Live like you are a well-rounded mother who appreciates your village, but do not let your village hold you hostage. There are some personalities that need to be in charge. Toss them a few bones where it makes sense, but decide what's important to you, and stand firm on that.

The long and short is that you need help. If these people cannot help the way they used to, then make a bigger support network. Maybe share babysitting with another single mom or use aftercare at school or host/trade playdates so you can get the time you need to do things. If someone is consistently rude, then don't ask them for something. If someone won't tell you when another child's party is, then plan your party when you need to and let the chips fall. You do not need to be browbeaten by these people for the rest of your life because you were once married to their son. Try to remember the source and don't let her get to you. You can give yourself and your child distance without cutting them out entirely. My aunt still sees her SIL (sister of her late DH) for major events, but she no longer hangs out with her for more routine visits. The SIL is just too unstable and it wasn't good for my aunt OR her kids. She had 4 kids to finish raising...she did not need SIL's drama, too.

Live your life. How much they are a part of it depends on what is healthy for you and your child. Start to prioritize your family so that your son isn't only spending time with his dad's side. You shouldn't have to miss holidays with your own family to cater to these people. They have to learn to share. My aunt did Easter with her first in-laws, Christmas with her family and Thanksgiving with her new in-laws. We all adjusted. You can do what you want even if your schedule conflicts with theirs. If they can't "get" that, then too bad. You don't have to check your marathon schedule with them and get their approval. You are not 12.

Part of it may also be that she cannot bring back her son. That is her problem and her grief and not your issue to fix.

They love you, evidently. They missed your personality at the party. I wish all in-laws loved their DIL so much. Get over it. They just aren't used to having a fit person in the family who would choose exercise over cake.

A lot of older people like that make themselves feel important by saying things like that. My sister's MIL used to be very much like that. She pretty much ignored her. You do have other options if you want to keep your distance.

It is time to move, it sound like you just need someone to say it. And you don't need to explain, you just let them know the truth. You miss your family, it's their turn to be with your son and you will visit them whenever possible.
Good luck! You are a grown up. You don't need to be treated badly and if you make a decision it is yours, not theirs.

Wow.

First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I can't imagine. I love mine so very much and I know I'd feel as if the world had ended if he passed away. You are a strong, lovely woman for doing what you've done and dealing with this loss. Blessings to you and your son.

Now, about GGM. It's clear that she is a rather narcissistic person who rules with an iron fist and guilt trips. Not at all uncommon in persons with NPD. I suggest that you find someone else to watch your son for your trips, and only bring him to GGM for visits and family get-togethers. If she complains, oh well. Remove all of the situations for which she would have you feel guilty from the equation. Do not discuss with her things you know that she'll twist around such as who you're dating.

You really don't sound like a codependent person at all, but in dealing with a person with NPD, I do suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There are some excellent tools in there to help you defuse the common situations you'll find yourself in with GGM.

Don't run off. I think you have a lovely family, but you might just need to revamp your way of being when it comes to relationships with them. Learn and grow in this.

Good luck! And congratulations on completing the MCM. That's so incredible!! I wish you luck in all you do.