My Mother Is Out of Control How Should I Handle This?

It ends when you say it ends. I had a similar problem with my family. Yes you owe them money and you are going to pay it back but that doesn't mean you have to do favors in the mean time. Stop feeling guilty, you don't do favors for the bank when you owe them money. The Bible says that you are to LEAVE YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLEAVE TO YOUR HUSBAND. As hard as that mey be for you, you have to do it. They don't want to be grandparents and nothing you do for them will change that. It is a sad loss for the children, but you can not force people to do what you want. Good luck to you, your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings, T. E

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We have a similar problem with constant family requests for help. Once we found out we were pregnant we got some wonderful advice from a friend. We chose to make it our pact and stick to it. Our friend said that no matter what, make your immediate family your first priority and do what's best for eachother. When you got married you decided that eacother would be the most important and no longer your parents. So now we still try and help when we can but when we feel we're overwhelmed we ground eachother with the reality that we are most important to eachother and that's the most important thing to take care of. It really helped us not to feel so bad when we had to say no.

Of course you'll have to do your best to pay them back so they won't have it to hang over your head but...Perhaps you can make the same pact and feel comfortable knowing you are doing the right thing for your husband and children by putting them first. If your parents are never happy anyway no matter what you do then it's best to leave them upset and keep your home a happy one rather than upsetting two households.

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Your "next-of-kin" is your husband, according to the law. then your children. Mom and Dad come after them now that you are married with kids.

I didn't catch the loan bit until late in your letter, but i would make every effort to pay the loan off as originally planned, and simultaneously work out what you and your husband have for goals for family life (you guys and kids) and financial.

You will need to draw clear boundaries, and you will have to tell your parents a very firm, "no", and stick to it. At the same time, you have to stop buying and selling between the families. Become two distinct families.

You may, however, if you have the energy, invite them over to dinner for social time. That might help take the sting out of the situation, by saying, "we want to be family, but we don't want to be used." Of course, family dinners may end up being times when they try to manipulate you guys into doing their work for them again.

the best thing you can do for your children is to bring them up in a loving home, with healthy family relationships all around. Being walked upon is not healthy, nor is staying up 24/7 to do your own chores and/or your parents. Your children will grow up copying your behavior, so if you don't want them to be manipulated as adults, you have to stop being manipulated.

You may lose your relationship with your parents, but it doesn't sound like much of a two-way street to me. It sounds like one heck of a burden on you, and it's time to stand on your won four feet (yours and his) and be independent. That means that you don't ask them for favors, either. and if the buildings are too expensive to own, sell them. Same goes for dad. If he can't afford to keep the building in repair, then he should sell it, not look for free labor to keep his commercial enterprise going.

We would all like to see our familial relationships as generous and we would all like to have the strength to be there for our parents on a regular basis. But they are way over-stepping the bounds of propriety here, and you need to simply say no. We can't. We have other plans for the evening.

And make plans for family time. Take the kids to the zoo. Go to the beach (when summer comes), etc. You need time to relax and enjoy each other as family. In 18 years, which sounds like forever away, your children will be up and grown, and you will have to bite your tongue rather than step on their toes. So the time to enjoy them, and to do things with them is now. Don't let mom and dad keep you so exhausted that you have very little to give to each other and your children.

Be firm. Be fair. Be consistent. Hold the line you draw in the sand, and simply say no. Avoid any shouting matches. Just be firm. Treat Mom as if she were a 2 yr old. Don't argue, don't give reasons or excuses. Just say, "we can't do that. We are too busy right now." And stick to it. It'll hurt. It'll be hard. But when they have stopped looking to you guys as free labor, then maybe you can get back to enjoying being a family that includes them as well. For now, be sure to have family time with your husband and kids. They are your most important human relationships.

:-)

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You and your husband sound like saints! You have put up with a lot for a long time. This sounds like a very toxic relationship. I can understand you wanting your children to know their grandparents, but it sounds like it is at the expense of your well being. I think they'd rather have a happy mom, than occasional visits from a grandmother.

My husband and I have had several problems with money and family. It has taken a huge toll on the quality of our relationships with family members. Everything is good now, but only after my husband and I decided that we will never lend money or co-sign for anything. I have a very responsible husband and we have black marks on our credit only because of family issues. If we are asked again, we are going to say that we have been burned in the past and that our relationship is too important to let money get in the way.

Can you say to your mom that your relationship is very important to you and that the repairs and work on both ends are destroying your relationship? Can you ask that to save your relationship, both of you will stop asking for any work from each other? That you would like to return to a simple mother daughter relationship and you'll leave the work to some one else. Maybe your husband could swap work with a contractor if money is tight.

I have found that writing a letter is sometimes more effective than talking. There is no interrupting, yelling etc. and you get the persons full attention. You can word things exactly how you want them without the heat of the moment effecting the argument.

If nothing else works, I would end your ties. It's so sad, but you are a wife and a mother now and your family needs a mentally happy and healthy wife and mother. The stress your mom causes for you and your husband sounds like it is taking to much of a toll on your family. Can you envision your life without all the stress your mom causes?

Good luck! It's a very diffucult situation!

Sounds like your parents are users. Look, I think family is family, and we should always help each other, but there is a limit. My husband is constantly doing work for his family, and he just has them buy all the parts and they pay for our gas to travel (2 hours away).

You have to learn to say no when you don't have the time or energy to help. It is definately not worth your husband losing his job or his pay to please your parents. You will just have to explain this to them and if they get mad, so be it. Just explain to them that you would love to help them, but it has to be under your terms. Be firm, but be nice. Explain that you have saved them a ton of money, and that you are happy about that, but they have to be grateful about your time and hard work.

If they don't like your terms, they can hire someone to come in. Maybe then they will realize how much you have helped them in the past.

Don't let this situation get between you and your husband. Your marriage and partnership is more important than your parents needs. You are doing nothing wrong, so don't feel guilty.

L. :)

I was always raised with the idea that your kids come first... In other words, my advice to you is to tell your mother in a very kind way that your husband is unable to do the work. Before you do, prepare for the conversation.

To prepare, write down all of the work that your husband has done thus far. Do it as a spreadsheet. Put the work in the first column. In the second column, put the amount of time spent on the job. In the third column, put what he would have charged someone else. In the fourth column, put what he has asked them for or done it for. In a fifth column, put what they have actually paid him for the work. Find out how much money you have actually given your mom and step-dad in the form of your husband's time.

Then gear up for the conversation. Right down all that you have done for your mother and the what it has cost you (i.e., the appliances she ruined). When you call your mother, tell her that in this economy, you can't afford to risk your husband's job and you just can't afford for him to take time off at the moment. Tell her that you need to get your house in order to get one of them sold in order to pay her back. AND by the way, if she did not ask for interest, don't pay it. She is your mother and offered to help you out PLUS you have already helped her out in the thousands of dollars range from work your husband did for pennies on the dollar.

Make sure to have the names of a few contractors (whatever you want to call them) handy to give her as recommendations from your husband as people who should be able to help them out with their work. Ask your husband to help here by providing honest names of people in the area your mom lives (if he isn't sure have him check at work). Tell her your husband would be happy to talk to whoever they hire to explain what has already been done. Tell your mom you're sorry but your husband is needed at home to make your home safe and healthy for your small children and to help raise your small children. Tell her that they need to have time with their Daddy as well.

If she gets angry, remember these words, EVENTUALLY SHE WILL GET OVER IT. If she doesn't, she doesn't deserve the help she already received.

This is just my advice and my opinion. But I honestly think from your message that you have already done more than enough to pay her back for what she has done with you. Of course, you give her the money you promised to give back but the extras are just that extras. Keeping her happy is NOT actually working and it is hurting you and your family. Put your children and your marriage first.

As I said, though, this is just my advice and opinion. You have to do what feels right for you. Good luck with a bad situation. Feel free to email if you need to vent a little more or want help putting together your thoughts before you talk to her.

Hi A. ~ you and your husband need to step back...if this is a situation that is hurting your family's needs you need to cut the string. Tell mom no more, if she starts tell her no (be clear), she continues tell her you're not going to discuss it any further with her as you & your husband made a decision(on whatever it is), you will maybe even end all contact for a bit, then gradually add them back into your life...you know "how about cook out on Sun." or the park with the kids. If it continues, again tell her you & your husband have made the decision that he/you can not do free (from the sounds of it paid either) work for them as it is taking away from your family and the possibility of your husband losing his job. Continue the cycle (she may/may not get it). I think once she sees you standing firm to her, things will change. People act this way because they can, no one has told them no and stuck to it. Be STRONG for YOUR family! Hope this is helpful. Blessings ~ J.

Sounds as if you are simply being taken advantage of by your family. Would you let your kids walk all over you? Stand up for yourself and your family, put a stop to it. Your mom will probably be shocked at first, but will eventually come around. The worst thing you can do is let your children see others treat you this way, they'll learn that behavior.

Very bad situation, from both ends. It sounds like you should have the conversation with your mother, like others suggested, and no matter how much it hurts, pay back the money that you borrowed and do your best never to feel indebted to them again, then try a fresh start. I hate families that keep track of things that they do for each other, that is what you do with a business, but of course, hurt feelings result if one is feeling taken advantage of, which it sounds like you are. Tell your mother that you want a relationship with her that is not encumbered by finances, and tell her how much it is stressing you out and hurting you. I bet that they are feeling very similar. It sounds like you need to separate that stuff out from your relationship. It may cause some hard feelings at first, but you all need to set some boundaries and make it clear what cannot be crossed. And as far as your tenants go -- you have a legal duty to them to provide a habitable place to live, and if they are able to refuse to pay you guys for where they are living, that is a problem. They should actually be the first priority, not even the house you were working on (particularly in this housing market) -- there is income you guys could have that is going out the door. There is a way out of this -- take a deep breathe, you and your husband decide what is best for your family, tell your mom together, if possible, and stick to it. If she wants to be in your life, she will come around, but I would expect it to be a little nasty at first. Don't avoid doing it for that reason, keep your eye on the prize, and remind yourself how miserable you are and what you want for your family. It won't be easy, but sometimes you have to do what is best for your immediate family. And you can't control your mother, all you can control is response to her. Your kids are not well served by very stressed out parents and grandparents, think about that. They know something is going on, even if they are too young to understand the tension, and they might think they did something to cause it, because kids have a central viewpoint of the world. Good luck.

Your mother and stepfather sound very controlling. The bottom line is, they can only do what you allow them to. Although you and your husband are still young, you are both adults, and it's time to act and be treated as such. Kindly say NO when something is a hardship for you or your husband and if Mom blows her stack....oh well. She and her husband will get over it. They have both got to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and it's a shame their children have to teach it to them. Remember to always be respectful because they are your parents, but hold your ground and don't allow them to intimidate you or make you feel guilty. You've got a family of your own to care for and they come first! Good luck .

Wow- sounds like explaining things firmly won't be much help- they are definitely taking advantage of you and your husband and causing a lot of unneeded stress. Did you ever consider moving out of the area so the demands can't possibly be met?

Wow! I thought that my mom was a pain in the butt! But seriously, my opinion is if she rarely sees her grandchildren and you don't work for her anymore, cut ties completely. The only contact I suggest is mailing her money on a regular basis to pay her back. She is not just taking advantage of you, she is abusing your generosity and your husband's talent for home repairs. Your family's health, your husband's job, your marriage, and the emotional health of your children depend on your putting your foot down and keeping it there. I wish you luck.

A.,
I am very impressed by your hard work, your trying with your family, and your desire to do the right thing. You seem to have very good instincts and values, and I think you are certainly right that you are being mistreated and manipulated.

For what it's worth, I have some advice that I have had to learn the hard way with family after ignoring all of my better instincts (like you) and trying to do the right thing (like you):

*You must recognize that you cannot change other people and you cannot "make" anyone do the right thing or be fair. Your story here has more than enough examples in it of the fact that, unfortunately, your mother is: 1)using you and your husband and 2)is not listening to you or changing despite your many explanations and attempts.

*From what you have described, I think it is clear that you have to get tougher with your boundaries protect your family. You have demonstrated that you are losing money, time, and your peace of mind because of your mother's thoughtless actions!

*Since there is money and exchanges involved, if I were you I would sit down with my husband one night SOON and write down: 1)the value of the $ they lent you and any other "gifts" or things your parents could claim they gave you. Then write down 2)the $ value of the work, time, and things you have done for them. I think you will probably see clearly that you have more than repaid them for their loan!

You & your husband will need this evidence and this clarity in your own minds to set boundaries with your parents. You could then use this information to decide whether or not to do this "one last job." You will have to be careful here, because your story has shown that your parents will always find a way to ask for more without regard to your needs. If you have written down all the details of your exchanges with your parents, you will have the evidence you need to extract yourself from your financial dealings with them. That doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your kids' lives, but you do need to protect your family and get assistance (financial or otherwise) from your own hard work and other more trustworthy places (like the bank, a trusted friend etc).

*Though nobody who values family and wants a good family for their children would want to cut off grandparents, you must at least take care of your family first since they continue to show such disregard for your situation and problems. Good luck, and I hope that this helps,

S.

Make up some new hobbies your husband is involved with .....or keep making excuses about other things he needs to take care of for your own family .....eventually they will catch on without you having to come right out and tell them. Hopefully. If this doesnt work, you should just tell them how you feel or you will have to deal with this for a very very long time and it's just not worth the stress. Tell them your marriage is on rocks because he spends so much time away from you....I dunno - make up anything.

I hate to say it hon, but there will never be "one last job". Put your foot down. yes you want your kids to have their grandparents, but if they choose not to speak to you, that's their decision. You owe them money? Um...I would add up all the things you and your husband do and knock it off the bill. I had a grandmother who expected everything and wanted to give you money and she would own you. After a while I would return Birthday, Christmas, or any other guilt trip money because she could no longer control me. It was hard, my mom is not a fighter and I had to continuously go back and forth and in the end it just got ugly. It's about who has control. For your marriage, because he could resent you for making him do all this stuff, for your sanity and for your kids take a stand. It will not be easy, and it you will feel guilty but in the end it will be worth it. Good luck

Believe it or not my family is just as bad, if not worse. I have spent the last 16 years trying to make my mother happy, at the cost of my happiness. My mother plays games with all three of her kids. She went 12 years without speaking to my sister. Then for 2 years she did nothing but talk trash about my brother's 2nd wife (who she now loves). And now I'm the black sheep and have been for the past 5 years. I made an effort about a year ago to make ammends (which lasted 3 months) only to be hurt again. Now my situation is a little different because my mother lives in Arizona (I'm in PA) so I don't have to see her. If your relationship with your mother is costing you your happiness, then you need to cut the ties. I felt really depressed at first, because I felt like I was depriving my daughter of her grandmother, but then I realized that my daughter has so many other people in her life who are a support for her and do not act this way, and she is not affected at all. Eventually this will eat at you until it starts affecting your family (husband and kids). Don't let it get to that point. Just cut the ties, don't answer the phone, don't call her back, don't ask her for anything. Pay her the money back (by mail with a check) so she doesn't have anything to hang over your head. I've been there also. I never asked for anything, she volunteered to purchase my daughter's crib, dressers, blankets, etc., and to this day it is still hung over my head. You will feel better in the long run if you just cut the ties. If she wants to apologize to you, then let her, but you do not owe her any apologies.

WOW alot of bad water has flowed under that bridge. I wish I had advice to help make it better, but instead I just wanted to share a short story.
I used to complain about my mom non= stop to my friend. She was bad.... not as bad as yours.... but bad in her own way. Any how. After one night after a long fight with my mom I was over at my friend's venting to her when she looked at me and said the following. she said, " I am only going to tell you this once. I hear you complain about your mom all the time, and yes she is a pain in the butt. She then told me how she lost her mom to cancer when she was 17. She said there are so many times when I am cooking that I want to just call her and say, what do you put in your casserole? And there are so many times when my kids do something cute that I would just love to be able to say.... Mom guess what happened today, and I CAN'T. And she said even though your mom is a pain in the butt, I would rather have my mom here with me, and hate her..... than to have no mom at all. Ever since that day, I have looked at my mom a little different. Over time she has gotten a little better, and I have learned to tolerate her more. And I always have a heavy heart when I call her to ask how long I should cook my turkey for. So I guess I am trying to say tolerate what you can and try to ignore the rest. Remember your children look to you as a model of the person they will grow up to be. So try to treat your mom like you would want them to treat you. Tell her when she hurts your feelings or when you think she is being too hard on your husband. If she blows up...., just tell her you are sorry she feels that way and let her know how you feel.. but try to do this without blowing up back at her. Best of luck.

wow girl. sit down and have a glass of wine/ herbal tea/ coffee.... whatever your thing is. you seem to be very upset about this. (understandable) all of this stress is not good for you, or your family. and by family, i mean you and your husband and your 2 babies... who will eventually start to pick up on all of this tension. you made "your own" family with your husband. imagine how he must feel too?

i have a lot of issues with my mom too. (i think i may have even posted about it before on here.) but what has helped me is to really think about what is important to me. which is being a good mommy and wife. when i allow her to stress me out and upset me... it reflects on my home life with my family. its unfortunate b/c we arent as close as we once were (my mom and i). but she also doesnt have me jumping at her every demand either.

you have your own life and your own priorities. it sounds like you both do things to help eachother out, but at what cost? is it really worth it? i had to distance myself from my mom. and i do see her once in a while, but when she starts with the guilt trips, acting up, or critisizing... i just leave. i dont fight with her anymore about it.

you have children who deserve their parents to be happy and as stress free as possible. all of this extra work that he is doing... it would be one thing if it was "for extra money" for your own bank account, but its not. your parents are using him for cheap labor. and they think they can do this, b/c you guys have allowed them to get away with it. i understand helping once in a while, but you need to make a living too. not to mention all of the time this keeps your husband away from you and your children, and less time spent together as a family.

you say that you dont work for her anymore and she has no hold on you. yet you still seem to be stalling and unable to stand up to her. i realize this is a difficult sitation, but if she truly loves you and wants whats best for you and your family... she will recongnize the error of her ways and STOP. if she doesnt, then i am soooo sorry for you, but you have to just say no. put your foot down. fight for your familys right to peace and happiness. new house, new start, right? good luck.

i have tons of expierence with issues with my mom so feel free to send me a personal message if you really need someone to talk to hun.

Hi A.,
I think maybe they (she) has this attitude of EXPECTING work because you guys owe them money. I have found that money and family do NOT mix and it's best to keep family and money separate. As financial guru Dave Ramsey says "Thanksgiving dinner tastes a little different when you owe money to your family." How about this: Give a fair account of the monetary worth of the work your husband has done so far, then add the value of what he is still going to do in the future and take it off of the total amount (with interest) that you owe them. Pay the balance as SOON as you can so there is no feeling of obligation whatsoever for any party involved. Also, I would personally never borrow money from anyone (even family!) without a written contract regarding repayment. With the real estate market being so bad right now, it may be quite some time until you sell this rental property. (I've done the tenant thing too--no fun indeed!) I would list it low to sell it fast and cover your obligations completely. The sooner the better. It will be of no use (or gain) to you sitting empty for a year anyway. Pay your mom & stepdad back immediately then sit them down and discuss the difference between helping and taking advantage. Hope this helps in some way. Just my opinions. Good luck to you all!

Parents are supposed to love and care for their children, not take advantage of them! Your mother and stepfather know how skilled your husband is and are too cheap and selfish to hire someone else. As far as them not helping you, but only helping themselves...it sounds like neither one has grown up and still expects more from others than they are willing to give themselves. Tell your mother and step-father that your husband has more than paid them back your debt in the free work that he has done (and if you have to, have professionals give you estimates for what they would have charged for that work to prove it) and that you will no longer be helping them with this housework because your house is in shambles now. Let your mother know that you want them to be in your children's lives, but as grandparents, not as people who take advantage of your family and take daddy away during precious off time. Shame on your parents for allowing this to go so far, and good luck!

I'm sorry you are going through all this. Its very difficult b/c we feel a need to be polite to our parents, but stand up for ourselves. I'd just get the house sold & pay them back. That won't be held over your head anymore. Also, there is a point when all kids need to be adults & be honest w/ their parents.

Hey sweetie... Sounds like you've got your hands full. I went through something similar. My mom was trying to run our house like it was her own. Things got so bad my husband almost left me and our young son.

The best suggestion I can offer is, have a serious talk with your mom. She should know your situation, you are her daughter after all. Your parents need to enlist outside help instead of free (or near free) labor from your husband.

And I hate to say it, but it might blow out of proportion. So be prepared to separate yourself from your mom for a while. That's what it took for me. We had to tell my mom to back off, and she got upset and didn't talk to us for a few months. I hope this helped, and gave you some courage.

First lesson, never do money business with family... borrow or anything of the sort. Unfortunately you're learning that lesson the hard way. Second, get everything in writing. Tell your folks that all work from here on out (if any) is to come out of the money you owe them. Have your hubby write up a bill and HAVE THEM SIGN IT!
You said 'should he do this one last job' Dear... this isn't the last job, there will always be another job. You have to be firm. Hurt feelings may come of it but this sounds past ridiculous! You don't 'owe' your mother, excuse me, your husband doesn't owe anything... except the MONEY you borrowed. Keep it to that. Sit down with them in a neutral area- dinner out, a park something, and tell them exactly what you've written above. Hard to believe but she may have no idea you're feeling this way. She may have no idea that she's treating you the way she is and hurting your relationship.
Stop letting your husband work for free, especially at their business! He's family, not an employee!!!!! And if he is an employee, he should get paid.

I used to work for a chiropractor, as a benefit for the job I got free care. At the end of each billing cycle I would get a 'bill' to show just how much my benefit was. I didn't have to pay anything, but it gave me a real perspective of what kind of a benefit I was getting and made me appreciate it all the more.

Think about it, money's tight for you guys but your hubby is working for free! That's not right and you really need to put an end to it.

I would suggest writing down what you want to say, read over it a few times before talking to your folks and when things get heated remind yourself that you're bigger than that and won't allow the conversation to take a turn like that.

I hope all the best for you,
R.

Hi A....Repeat after me: NO, I'm sorry we have to work on our home right now. No, I'm sorry we do not have the time to come over and work for free for you. No, I'm sorry we can't. NO NO NO NO NO! The two of you need to draw a line in the concret and take care of your own needs FIRST!! You know you are being used so stop it now or forever be an unpaid slave. It's not going to be easy, and there are going to be some major hurt feelings, guilt, and even some yelling....but you need to stand your ground and stand up for YOUR family and your abused hubby!! The most important thing is YOU have to do it not your husband. It's YOUR mother, you need to handle it and leave your husband out of it as much as possible.

What would you do if you were a business owner and a client treated you like this? You mentioned money being involved. If they loaned/gave you money that you intend to pay back then make a plan and present it to them when you tell them that you can no longer continue to work for them. Put it in writing and stick to it. If they ask if they can "hire" your husband to do a job then insist on a contract IN WRITING. But frankly the situation is so out of control I would not even think about doing that anytime soon at all. A clean break is the best solution.

Your husband doesn't deserve this situation and you have a great guy for even attempting to handle all this. Take some stress out of his life and do what you should have done in the first place...just say NO! Good luck and best wishes.

Dear A.

It sounds like your mom and her husband are extrealy selfish. Unfortunately your priorities are to your husband and children not your parents. I don't know if you are a Christian or not but the bible says you shal sever the ties with your mother and father and you will become one with your husband. I am not saying that you abandon them but you need to always make sure that your family comes first. Therefore if they ask you for something and it does not suit your family then the answer is no. The important thing here though is that you can't feel gulity for that. You need to believe that your family is number one and that your saying no has nothing to do with not loving your mom it has to do with your priorities. How your mom chooses to resoond to your declining to help is HER issue not yours. If she chooses to act inappropriately that is her choice not yours. You can't not allow her to jepardise your families health and well being. It sounds harsh but sometimes touch love is what is needed. You don't want your children to think that this is the way parents should treat their children and end up doing the same to you some day. That is why it is important that you deal with your mom in a clam and respectful way but you also need to be firm in your decisions. NO means NO and you will not allow her to make you feel bad about that. Also tell your husband how you feel about these things perhaps he says yes because he loves you and doesn't want to cause any problems for you. If he knows he has your support if he says no to them then maybe he will also be more comfident to stick to his decisions. You need to creat a line that suits you as too how far your duties to them as their child goes and then stick to it. This will ultimately ensure that you remain on good terms in the long run because otherwise you will end up losing at least one of your relationships... marrage or folks!! Good luck

It sounds like you and your husband are being taken advantage of. I think you should have a talk with your mom preferrably without your stepfather around. If it were me I would choose one of two paths. The first path is to tell her that your husband's job, your kids and your other responsibilities are keeping both of you busy. Tell her you have come to a decision that you need to make a point of making some time for you, your husband and your kids to spend time as a family relaxing and having fun. In cutting out activities that are taking time away from your family, your husband won't be able to do any more work for them.

The second path would be to tell them that you have a lot on your plate and you need to cut back on the work you do for them. They can ask for your help, but need to be respectful when you tell them you can't help. In addition, prior to doing the job (or accepting it), each side will state their expectations up front and agree upon what you will be "paid" for the job. That amount will be subtracted from what you owe them.

My husband and I have borrowed money from my parents and my in-laws. Additionally, we've all done work for each other. We've never run into a problem like this, so there are ways to work it out, but it requires that everyone be open-minded and respectful of the others. It also helps when expectations (time restrictions, deadlines, repayment, etc) are set up ahead of time.

Good luck! I hope everything works out for you.

Oh A., I feel for you my dear. Family issues are a tough thing, however, that said...You and your husband and children are your number one priority. Take care of your own needs and learn to say no. It sounds like your mom and stepdad have no trouble saying it to you. If money is the issue, write down the hours, materials, etc. that your husband has spent on them. I think it might surprise you and your mom that your debt has long been paid. If you cannot face your mom and tell her in person how you feel, then put it in writing. I know I sometimes get emotional, and I am 42 yrs. old, when speaking to my parents. Tell her you love her, respect her, and want her involvement as a grandparent. Also let her know how their demands are causing strain with your husbands call schedule. If on occasion you can lend a hand to them without compromising your family, then do it. But firmly say no other than that. If will not be easy at first, but change is always a challenge. Good luck.