My Kids Just Dont Listen

So, what are the consequences, mom?

If the boys leave the door open? Make them come back and close it. They know how to close a door, right?

If they aren't being safe with crossing the street? *Instant* loss of that privilege to play outside alone. "Oh, I saw that you weren't being careful, so you have to come in now. Playtime is over." Period. End of discussion.
Or, if it's at the end of playtime, "The next time you want to go outside, you will have to wait for me to be available because I see that you are NOT being safe." And then, make'em wait until YOU have done what you need to do and are ready to help them.

At seven, they should be long past having lids on their cups. Cups should stay in the kitchen, period. Spills? Have them clean up their spills. They can do that. Give them a handful of rags or paper towels and they don't get to play until they've corrected their mistake.

I think you need a Love and Logic book. It sounds like the kids are starting to run the show and that's never a good thing. It ends up with you nagging instead of actually correcting the behavior. Everyone else has pretty much given you great advice-- re-read Mary L's answer on how they are working as a 'team'....

I would suggest immediate, incident-related consequences. Don't close the door? Must come in immediately and not go out to play the rest of the day. Run across the street? Must hold Mom's/Dad's hand (embarrassing!). My kids didn't use lids on cups past being a toddler. We all learned to drink from real glasses. But drinks don't belong in the living room. Want a drink? Sit at the kitchen table. If they can't handle the privileges you're giving them, then they need to not have the privileges at all.

When you're telling them something, make sure that you are telling them individually (not together as twins) and be sure that they are listening, have them look you in the face and repeat back what you have told them. Don't give instructions as they are running out the door, to their backs.

Good luck

Discipline must always be closely related to the behavior you are trying to correct. So when do they cross the street? Going to a friends house? Then they can't play with their friends until they can remember to look before crossing the street!

If you connect things like that then when they are crossing the street they will actually remember if I don't do this, I can't play next time. Kids don't set out to be bad they just don't remember what they need to to be good.

Time outs, taking away say the TV, what does that have to do with crossing a street?

You want to drink outside the kitchen? Keep a lid on the cup. Of course you also have to follow through 100% of the time or it becomes a function of whether we get caught and whether mom follows through. Like walking into the family room and seeing cups without lids and saying get a lid on that cup is not following through. It is you have to sit in the kitchen and finish that beverage.

Being able to do these things are privileges you earn, you never made them earn them. Back track and do it right.

sounds like normal kids..

have you ever taken a parenting class.. love and logic is excellent..

so is STEP parenting class..

you need to have rules.. make sure the kid knows and understands the rules.. then if they break the rule.. make sure there is a consequence.. make sure you enforce the consequence.

like this... The rule is you must shut the front door when you come in.. if you do not shut the front door... you will not go play outside the next time you ask. for 30 minutes.. (kid must wait 30 minutes to go out ) Do not yell do not hit .. have a rule and a consequence...

but this is normal kid behavior.. do not expect perfection.. they are kids living in their dreamy little world... which is where they should be when they are 7.. also pick on problem behavior at a time to work on..

you cannot eat an elephant in one bite.. you cannot change 10 bad behaviors in one day.. a bit at a time.. the more consistent you are the better they will behave..

This is an non-Olympic event called a Team Power Game. There are two of them, and only two of you. How exciting! This team can manage Mom and Dad with confidence! They probably don't have to think twice.

If they were not twins, they might play this game anyway, but it can definitely be more fun with a teammate. At least, that's what I've heard from parents of multiples.

I suggest that first you split them up. Stop thinking of them as one team, one unit, one set, and start thinking of them as two siblings who just happened to be born on the same day. Split them up as much as you can when they're at home. Have one do one chore, and the other, a totally unrelated one. Read with them separately. Take them out on "dates" separately. Look for the good things each does, and mention them out loud: "Thank you for putting the books away, Jamie." "I really liked your tone of voice when you said that, Kelly."

On these occasions, you will be better able to deal with them individually when it comes to listening to you and doing what you say. Then, as others have posted, the consequence needs to be quick and related to the action. No lid on the cup? No cup today, and do your eating and drinking in the kitchen the rest of the week, Kelly. Front door is not closed after you remind? Jamie must come back, close the front door, and stay inside for a quarter of an hour instead of going out again.

Google "games to help children learn to listen" and you'll get many links, for parents and for teachers. Try some of the suggestions with your children one-on-one at first.

The idea is to have games of your own that will be more interesting to them, eventually, than the "game" they're playing now. One simple game you can do at home is to whisper an instruction to the child. The child follows your direction and comes back to you when he/she is done. Once the child listens well enough to do what you say, start with a timer and see if your instruction, whatever it is, can be done increasingly well and increasingly fast. Make this game last only five minutes (or ten) at a time. When each will listen, see how they will do as a team.

You'll have to do a lot of thinking and planning ahead, and you'll have to be very consistent, but there's nothing wrong with that anyway.

Allowing them to suffer the consequences for most of these will help.
Obviously not for crossing the street but for the spilling I'd either ban beverages from everywhere but the kitchen or they can drink nothing but water (which doesn't stain anything or get sticky when it dries)(don't even buy any drinks that they spill).
A loud buzzer on the door when it's not closed should fix the door problem.
Find their currency and take it away for awhile every time they ignore you.
They get 1 warning the first few times and after that they will know what the penalty is and you just act on it.

Can't keep a lid on a cup? Then cups/food do not leave the dining room or where ever you have dinner. (This is a BIG one in our home...messes have downsized like crazy since no longer allowing any food or drinks anywhere but our dining room table.

Can't close the door? You can't go outside for 10 mins etc.

Don't take away things that don't relate.

But remember these things take TIME and PERSISTENCE on your part. Do not expect a change right away. Think how hard it is for you to stop a bad habit..now times that by 50 and that is how it is for a kid

Hi K.,
Not long ago we were in the same situation. I have an 8 yo son and an almost 5 yo son. I was tired of yelling and having to repeat myself over and over. We read the book "have a new kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It didn't take a week (more like 2) but it has worked amazingly!! It's a short book and an easy read. What he asks you to do isn't always easy (for a mom especially - easier for dad) but it really works! There's no yelling, hitting or nastiness involved!

I taught parenting for many yrs ! I read Amy and Jessica''s responses. They had gd info.

First of all, you have 2. So, you really do have to carry through w/ consequences.

Have a family meeting in a few days after you and your husband plan it out and present it. Why? If it's hard now----ages 13, 14, etc... will be nearly impossible. It does not get easier. I know from hands-on experience.

You and your husband need to sit them at the table. Tell them that a family meeting is going to take place every Sunday at 4pm. Have a fun snack and play a family game. No tv, no cell phones, etc...Then, after the game is played start w/ 2 rules. Do not overwhelm you or the kids w/ 9 rules that will not be looked after. Too much to start. Take the 2 things: If you leave the front door open, the, you must come in the house immediately and you can not go back out for the rest of the day and this is WHY...It's not safe, etc...Place them in sep rooms w/ NOTHING to do. Be firm. Or start w/ the running across the street. Pick them up and put them in their sep rooms. Have THEM make a cute reminder sign and hang it by the front door. As they walk out the door, say, "Hey...Follow YOUR sign."

Rule: If the cup is taken away from the kitchen table, I will remind you to keep the lid on (ONCE). If the lid is off--- immediately put it in the dishwasher and there is no cup for the rest of the day. You can try again tomorrow. Be firm.

They need to have a few chores:
We would go swimming every day at say...1pm.
At 12 was lunch, at 12:30 was clean up lunch table and dishes/put clothes away in drawers... or NO SWIMMING until the following day. One day, I had all the folded laundry (10 items) on the stairs, 3 folded towels to be put in the upstairs bathroom and 1 roll of toilet paper to be put up there, too. My child said that the laundry was going to stay there. I Ten minutes later we were supposed to go outside to the pool. I said that there wasn't going to be swimming today and why. I walked away. The next day, the laundry was put away and I didn't have to say a word except, "I see that you did a great job putting away the laundry. Looks like we can go swimming as soon as I make a copy of this check."

On the flip side, If they have not been listening...they are in the habit not too. So, sit down at a mtg and say what has to be done.

I see soooo much comfort parenting going on these days. Kids are not afraid to dis-obey. I didn't dear dis-obey my mom. I was still a kid, still had fun...but, I listened.

I am all for being positive---but, when things get out of control...You have
to have a routine w/ chores and consequences.

Watch a few Nanny shoes on You Tube. She always makes a routine for the family. There are a few shows w/ family meetings. There are a few shows when the parents are not giving the kids any of their time...
It's so hard to say w/out being in your house.

I hope this helps !

I think twins feed off each other so if one is not going to listen, then neither is the other one. My first suggestion is to separate them and what you are asking them to do as much as possible. For example, don't just say "hey guys, close the door" instead say "mark, close the door."

If they don't look when crossing the street, then they don't get to go across the street for a week. If they don't keep lids on cups, then they don't get anything to drink anywhere in the house other than the kitchen. Personally, I don't let 7 year olds take liquids on carpeted floors and they also do not eat or drink anywhere but the kitchen and/or dining room.

Next, are you yelling? I would lower my voice, not raise it when speaking to them when they are not listening. I know it's hard, but it gets them used to listening to you when you talk so you don't have to resort to yelling.

Finally, have them PRACTICE listening. It is a skill and is different than just hearing. Have them sit with their backs to each other and one say something, then the other repeat it or one tell the other to clap his hands 3 times, etc. You get where I'm going.

Good luck!

Big cleansing breath.

What worked and works for us is having household rules that make sense. The rules have to be consistent and have logical and consistent consequences. The rules should be about respect and safety as a whole.

So what you can do is sit down and think about the most important issues you're having with the twins and look at the bigger picture. Is it really that they're spilling things and not closing doors, etc? Or is it that they're not following rules they can't see and they're not being respectful? That they're not receiving consequences and don't have motivation to behave well?

I would sit down as a family with the big issues in your mind. Lead your children to think about the biggest behavior problems going on in the house, and express some solutions to those problems. Let them think of some ideas for consequences.

For instance, guide them to help create the rule that only the toys they are currently interested in playing with should be out. When they're done playing with those toys they get put away immediately. If the toys are not put away then the toys get put in a big cardboard box that says, "Donations To Needy Children" on it. They get one week to earn those toys back by doing the appropriate chores or else the toys get donated to a women's shelter.

Another rule should be, "Show respect" and then additional rules about ways to show respect, such as "Obey Mom and Dad." If they don't follow these types of rules you have to decide ahead of time how the discipline will be handled. If you go with a time out, then you have to follow through and make it so that it's not pleasant. If you initiate a 7 minute time out on a stair, then they need to sit on that stair for a full 7 minutes in a row in silence to "think about the rule they broke so that at the end they can apologize" and then get a hug.

"Eat meals and snacks at the dinner table." If that rule is not followed and then someone spills something in the living room or anywhere else in the house, or there's mold growth or something else nasty, then they have to be responsible for clean-up. Yes, you'll end up having to clean up their attempts to clean up but it's the lesson. Natural consequence.

"Put used dishes, forks, spoons, knives, cups, in the sink when finished." If they don't do their own, then they have to do everyone else's too. :-) And then fill the dishwasher or if you don't have one, help wash or dry the dishes in the sink.

So you write down the rules, but also write down the consequences for not following the rules. That way you don't have to feel put on the spot for coming up with something that might not be fair or might not be strong enough discipline. When they're disciplined, apologies from them should always be expected and a hug from you would be the immediate reward.

There should also be a Family Reward at the end of each week. Maybe it's something they can choose from... the family gets to go sledding or rent a movie with popcorn. Or they can choose from going to a butterfly garden and going bowling. These rewards would be if they can get through the majority of a week without breaking the rules too badly.

It's not just about retraining the boys, but retraining how you react to them too. It's not easy. It takes a lot of practice, trial and error. It takes a lot of consistency.

One reason I love this method is that when the girls fuss about something, I can point to the list of rules and consequences and say, "It's not my fault... it's the rules." :-) Anything in writing must be true, right?