My Husbands Step Mother Is Mean to My Kid!!

Sorry K.,

I think you are making a lot more of this than you should. You are obviously harboring ill feelings for this woman and confronting her on this non issue will end up destroying any real hope of a relationship with her in the future. There is alot of underlying anger here and it is evident in the tone (the writing style)of your post.

I don't see anything wrong with what she said. I agree that your daughter should have been told by someone and it should have been you. My twins are 2 and they are old enough to know that it is unacceptable to throw your silverware and/or plates on the floor.

I disagree that your daughter was "humiliated". You may have been, but she is 2 and I Ibelieve incapable of feeling that emotion.

I hope you can overcome this anger for her and forgive what she may have done that's made you feel this way about her. I hope you can begin to work on a relationship with her and maybe your daughter will end up with a great Grandmother out of it all.

6 moms found this helpful

It sounds like everyone is a little high strung, including you. I understand that you are upset with her, but really all your stepmother did was step out of line, and discipline your daughter instead of you. If my daughter threw her fork down (at 23 months), I would gently pick it up and say something similar like " we don't throw forks on the ground because the ground is dirty, and we can't put dirty things in our mouth".....not too different from what your step mother-in-law said to her. It sounds like there is more animosity between you and her than just this one incident. This incident is just a catalyst for your telling her how you feel. I agree with your husband in that you should call her when you are more calm and have a civil conversation with her about how that incident made you feel. Be clear with her about how you would have liked her to act. If you don't want her to "discipline" your children, then explain that to her, and be sure to tell her why. If she continues to do it, then you choose to spend less time with them.

5 moms found this helpful

Honey! I tell my own son (20 months) " No Sir! We do not throw ( what ever dish )" This is the age where we teach them right from wrong. Do I expect him to sit there and never throw a fork? Heck no like you said he is a toddler. But I dont expect me to sit back and let him think that its ok. Depending on your childs development ( assuming she can grasp right from wrong when you tell her because she knew to be embarassed) you should be teaching your child no. On lots of topics. I would ask your mother in law exactly what she intened for your daughter by telling her no throwing forks. I am thinking she would be supprised that you werent right along with her. I am! Throwing dishes isnt safe, isnt sanitary, and isnt good manners. I do realize that she will probably keep throwing things but as long as you keep telling her no we dont throw she wont be throwing her things by age four. Deep breath! I dont think MIL had mean intentions at all.

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You need to go to babyceter.com and join the board "Dealing with in-laws and FOO (family of origin). There are lots of mothers on there who will have good advice.

4 moms found this helpful

I think it was your place to correct your child and tell her you don't throw forks down however if your MIL was sitting next to you then I can see where she might have said something maybe however not t that extent. That is ridiculous to go crazy over such a minor incident which all children do. On the other hand you should have never asked your child if the MIL humiliated her - what is up with that other than you were being rude back. Two wrongs do not make a right and why would you let your MIL put you in her same position. Hopefully you are better than that. No parent likes others to correct their children most of the time and all parents think their children are the best, that is just natural. Children do need to be taught but in a stern and polite voice, not a crazy one. If your child see you retaliate back with words you are not setting a good example either as you are showing her how to be basically a bully. So you need to stop that. I am a grandmother and I will correct my grandchildren when they are at my home but only for their protection. I know children drop things, throw things etc. however the main discipline should be from the parents. I would definitely call your MIL and in a very firm but polite way tell her you will correct your child and she is not to scream, yell or go nuts over everything she does and if it continues you will no longer come over to her house nor she to yours. Remind her you are the parents and you are not trying to cause a problem however you will not let her snap at your child either. If she brings up how she raised her children then set her straight and remind her you are not her and you will raise your children your way. If you let your MIL continue this without talking, it will just get worse. Stop it now or you will regret it. Tell her you appreciate her words of wisdom but directed to you and not your child. Hope this works for you but you need to make sure she understands you are the parent and she is not. Always remember, once a mother, always a mother and most don't butt in to the raising of the grandchildren. Grandchildren are to enjoy. Life is to short. Good Luck.

4 moms found this helpful

I recognize that you are very passionate about this, and I wonder if turning it into a big talk will make things worse. Maybe you can be more prepared next time with something like a very firm "I've got this, Kathy" with strong eye contact, and then address your child. After the first or second time, she should get it. If not, then have a talk, telling her that you would like the opportunity to teach your own child when the moment arises.

Grandparents and older parents assume that they are better parents because they've been at it longer. I am generalizing; it's not everybody. They tend to think that "parents today" are too permissive, and they want to jump on whatever it is and nip it in the bud. Some people don't know how to step back and let you parent your own child; when they see it happen, they get right on it.

I think that your husband's response was a tad childish and inappropriate because it was more passive-aggressive and did not address head on what the real issue was, that you did not like her lashing out at your child. Because nobody ever says anything when she does it with the other kids, you all have given her a pass to do that. The fact that your husband responded in a kinda nasty way and then backed down on her when he was talking to you shows that he recognizes her as an authority figure and does not want to disagree with her. Don't be angry with him; she is married to his father and maybe helped to raise him. His courage will come as he sees you responding to her in confidence, not childish rudeness.

Also keep in mind that we tend to be more sensitive with first children.

4 moms found this helpful

My son is a very rambunctious 2 year old and different people have made some little comments from time to time about different things. Like I am really laid back about him getting hurt, I watch him of course, but I really try to let him push his limits sometimes to see if he can accomplish something new etc. I just want him to learn how to manage his body and of course as his mom I usually feel that I have things under the proper amt of control. Yada..yada..yada...anyway, so when people have made comments the first thing I try to do is address my son before even acknowledging them. I want him to be secure that his father and I are still running things the way we have taught him. Like maybe in your situation I would have said something like "That's alright sweetheart, mommy will just rinse this right off for you!" and then given her a sweet smile to let her know that mom is fine with things and all is well. I have noticed that now whenever people comment on anything related to my boy he will immediately check my reaction to see what's up. Now if she (MIL) persisted then I would just probably say something like what the previous poster said "it's ok, I've got it" if she let it drop at that point, awesome. If not then privately I would tell her straight that my child is my responsibility and I will correct her and if she has a problem with anything my child does, please bring it directly to me. Hopefully it will never get that far! But being straight is needed sometimes. Sometimes, if grandparents naturally defer to the parents, this isn't even an issue. But if not, then you have to assert your authority, you are the parent, period. Sorry you are dealing with this, just forgive her and maybe try reinforcing your parenting with your child next time. When you talk to her I think you can just tell her that you would prefer she defer to you as the disciplinarian of your daughter rather than criticizing her method of discipline. Best wishes!!

4 moms found this helpful

Unfortunately, some people are just like that. However, you are right in thinking that you need to have a calm talk with her because two explosives don't calm the fire. Just let her know that it really hurt yours and your daughter's feelings that she made that comment and explain that you are trying to raise your daughter with manners, but she is 23 months old and she will make mistakes that can be easily corrected without yelling or being made felt humiliated. I think the conversation will go more smoothly than you think. Sometimes people who are high strung just need to have their souls caressed, if you know what I mean. Just remember to keep your cool.

3 moms found this helpful

You have VERY different personalities. That's it.
It's not going to change. She definitely sounds like she isn't someone who is going to be told how to behave and esp. not in her own home.

She has a strong personality and she probably thinks you are oversensitive. But, it is YOUR daughter and you have a right to speak up as to how she is treated.

Please don't dismiss what I am saying, but for me, it doesn't seem like SUCH a big deal to get yourself worked up over. If that is the worst thing she does, you have it better than most :) So,yeah, I think you might be over reacting a little, sorry.

Don't sweat the small stuff and this is small stuff.

In laws don't go away and you are not going to change this one. Don't spend years stressing over her, it's not worth the energy.

3 moms found this helpful

Calmly take her aside and tell her that you appreciate her help and you are happy that she is a part of your child's life, but that you are going to be in charge if discipline for your child, and if she has an issue with your child's behavior she can feel free to run her concerns by you.

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HI K.,
Well, being a grand mother of 29 I can halfway understand your MIL issue- but having said that, she should get a grip and learn to keep her mouth to her self at times. She may be the kind of personality that has an issue with that- but try this- just sweetly explain to her that you would like to be the one to correct your child when it is needed. Too many bosses confuse the little ones and when you are present you and hubby would take that responsibility. You don;t want to make the little one not want to go to granny's house for fear of doing everything wrong- so if she would not mind- please let you take charge of correcting your little one.......if she want to correct and disclipline the other grand children that is really out of your control- but trying to protect the relationship between your little one and her is key- maybe she will understand that and try harder to let you be the mom.......
good luck and blessings

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I read most of the replies and let me tell you I'm really surprised at people who just assume because you are angry about this situation that you don't discipline your child. I think it's really ignorant to make that assumption just because you didn't specifically state how you would have handled this situation if your MIL wasn't there. You didn't say that you allow this behavior, my understanding is that you were not happy with how your MIL handled this.

With that said I do not think you over reacted. I'm in a similar situation myself and I don't care where we are, I am the mother and my husband and I have final say about disciplining my child. Your in-laws have no right to act rudely or scream at anyone regardless of the situation.

Hopefully a polite discussion with your mother in law will help, but don't be surprised if she takes offense and flips out at you. It sounds like she is just a miserable person. Miserable people like to spread it around. I would just make it clear that you and your husband are the disciplinarians and if she has an issue with your child's behavior she needs to discuss it with you and not yell at your child.

I'm sorry your husband isn't all the way, but at least he is willing to quietly stand up with you. Stand your ground on this or it will get worse because then she will undermine you and your child will lose respect for you.

Like I said I am in a similar situation with my MIL and I'm lucky to have my husbands full support. Hang in there!!

Reba

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Yes and no. Your DH is right as he isn't.

He should back you up no matter what. No one has the right to humiliate your child and you should stick up for them. You need to be polite because you do not want to burn the bridges of family.

You need to ask yourself why you are reacting so strongly to this. Are you mad because you feel in some way she called you a bad mom? Are you mad because she tried to discipline your child and you feel you are the only one who should do that? Are you made because you feel in some way she is right?

Once you figure out why you are mad, talk to her to try to resolve the issue.

Good Luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Oh, such a tough situation. My opinion is that you and your husband did the right thing to let the S-MIL know she was out of line and it was obviously right to defend your child. As she gets older, you can actually use the S-MIL's behavior to teach your child how grown-ups should not treat children. Now, I'm going to have to agree with your husband here. I definitely think you should talk to this woman but keep it short, calm and unemotional. Just tell her there will be plenty of ups and downs with your toddler (especially once she's 2 and 3). ...and that you would appreciate it if she would let you and her husband handle the discipline. Definitely work your hardest to keep it calm and neutral because she will only become defensive and it will hurt the relationship. I'm sure she knows how you feel about her and an argument would only make things very uncomfortable for your husband. My attitude with my MIL is that I will never change her. She's in her 70's and I just have to accept her unusual and obnoxious ways for the sake of my hubby and their family (even though she makes me steam inside!). Now that our children are older, they do not have a relationship with her. Your child will have her own opinions too. Teach her to stand up to her MIL as she gets older if she says something that is rude or makes your daughter uncomfortable.

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I would almost bet you that her kids did not ever have any fun when they were little. This is normal behaviour,for a little one learning to feed them selves.If you were at her house ok, she needs to be told that you will tell her no.
The next time she does this type of act let her know that she is over reacting with your child and she is not the one raising that child. You will deal with it, so that she hopefully will not do it again..

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I don't believe that your MIL humiliated your daughter. She is just 23 months old, she doesn't yet understand the concept of humiliation. Scared her with her tone of voice, yes.

You need to put your foot down whether your husband agrees with you or not. As long as you impress on your daughter proper behavior and how to treat others, as she gets older she will realize that Grandma Kathy is a little off in the way she treat others. At that time, explain to her that her behavior is not appropriate.

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First of all, I completely understand your reaction and agree that your MIL needs to butt out. However, it is going to be most effective when you talk to her if you are ultra calm. Heather P and Jen B gave some great advice. Should she continue to interfere, reassure your daughter first and try to respond how you would want to had your MIL not said anything. Again you are going to have to be prepared to remain calm when you're angry so you can focus on your child. It's so hard, but so important. Hang in there; you are doing the right thing. Stand up for your baby!

2 moms found this helpful

I have to say that I agree with what she said, however I think you or your husband should have been the one to say it.

If your daughter is allowed to throw her fork down now, then she is being taught that it is OK, or proper, to throw our silverware on the ground. Although it was outside, the child doesn't relate this. Later when she is older, you'll tell her it's wrong. Will you allow her to do this when she is 5? This leaves the child confused. If it is wrong, it has to be wrong from the start so that the child learns proper social behavior. A child can't be allowed to do something that is wrong simply because they are young. It is much harder on the child to be allowed to do something because they are "little" and then be told later that their actions are not acceptable than to be taught right from wrong from the start.

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Do not let your MIL talk to your kids that way period. I had a similar issue with my own mom and finally when she had my sweet girl in tears on the way to church I laid into her and told her NO One was going to speak to my children like every again and if she didn't like it I'd gladly show her how to leave. Until that happened it was a major sceen everytime we saw her. Stand up for your child and to hell with her feelings. She sure isn't caring about your childs feelings. If your husband won't back you then he needs to deal with it also but you have to protect your baby.
Good luck. God bless.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow I would have been very angry as well. I can tell that this really got to you and that you tried really hard to bite your tongue even though you wanted to defend your daughter and give your MIL a piece of your mind. I think it is great that you held your cool inside the situation and have chosen to talk with her about it at a time when you are not so emotional. By doing this you were actually a wonderful role model to your daughter.

It is hard to tell people how they should or should not behave and adults have a hard time taking criticism from someone about their behavior in general. I would venture to say that you will probably get further with your MIL if you talk about your feelings regarding the situation. She can't argue with you about your feelings, they are your feelings.

However, I would point out that you are the mother inside the situation and you would appreciate it if she allows you to discipline your daughter when you feel that the occasion arises. Sorry but she is the grandmother not the mother and it is not part of her responsibility to reprimand your daughter particularly when you or your husband are around. I think it is absolutely fine to stick up for your daughter. Find ways to be direct, unemotional and kind when you say it. Seems to me she might find some pleasure in rattling you emotionally... don't give her the satisfaction. Eventually she may stop when she doesn't get the reaction she wants. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Seriously? I would have told my almost 2 year old no too. Maybe it wasn't her place to scold your daughter and flipping out was definately not cool, but all in all, as long as there was no screaming or hitting by the MIL, I'd say maybe you were just a little over sensitive because she's never scolded your angel before.

And humiliated? A 23 month old? I think you're projecting sweets.

1 mom found this helpful

I would have been on fire too. She has no right to say a thing or do anything with you sitting right there! My FIL does that too. I'm sorry that you husband isn't really with you on this. He should be. Hope you can be polite. Good luck!

Mel G

1 mom found this helpful

Girl - I have so much to tell you - You really should call me! ###-###-####

An'drea

I pretty much agree with everyone here. You need to take a deep breath and step back and look at the situation. You say your BIL's kids are rude with no manners - when exactly should YOUR child be learning them? When she's 5? 11? I think NOW is a good place to start. She's not a 1 year old DOLL, she's almost 2 and the next few years she's only going to get more defiant. That's what kids do. Time to step up to the plate, stop doting on her and BE A PARENT. You may not like the tactics of your MIL, but her heart is in the right place. Someone needs to be strict with your child, and that someone is YOU - or she WILL turn out like your BIL's kids.

S.

To answer your last question - yes, you are overreacting. Perhaps you just need to get over yourself and your daughter. And you don't have to "put up" with it. Stay home! You wanted to SCREAM at her? Over her telling your daughter not to throw the silverware? SERIOUSLY!? I have no stepchildren or step grandchildren, but when my children or their children are in my home, I do have the right to say something if one of the kids needs to be corrected or reminded of something. I have never had a problem. Even when my children were young, my MIL could correct them, if necessary. Usually it wasn't, because I did it first!

Wow! I just read your "this is what happened" story. I'm happy for you. I hope these relationships build to become really positive for you all. -D.

____________________________
I like how Rebecca replied.

You tell of witnessing this attitude from the MIL toward the other grandkids. And it doesn't sound like they are as well behaved as you would like your child to be (I feel the same).

I read an Ann Lander's letter once. The gist was that the daughter had a problem with her mother trying to discipline her child (the grandchild). Ann Lander's response was something like, try to broach the subject in a way that isn't harsh, like "Mom, I learned a lot from you and being my own person and I admire you as a mom, but I want to be the Mom to my child and make my own parenting mistakes."

But, I don't think you will find any way to "get through" to this woman. Please say something like this to your husband. Tell him how much her actions angered you and offended you. Work harder on getting your husband's full support. For instance, next time you are at a family gathering that you get his okay ahead of time that you three (or four) will leave when you find it unbearable like that.

Personally, I would be adamant about getting some say in how long you will remain at any event. It sounds to me that just about everyone there would understand your point of view. So, if you are able to tell your husband that you feel quite angry with Kathy's behavior and want to leave, then I hope he can say, sure, dear, I don't find it nice either and if you want to leave, then we will leave.

If anyone asks why you are leaving early, a short reply could be that you don't want to respond to how you (and your child) were treated in front of everyone else. That you will just find another time to address the issue with Kathy another time. Or just that you are so angry you can't even think straight and don't want to discuss it at the present time.

I'm unsure here, about the wording and all. It might be helpful to get an outside opinion from a pastor, priest, or counselor about how you two can respond in an appropriate way and in a way that doesn't create a divide between you and your husband. With recent counseling that my husband and I did, we found that we let good communication between us get into a lot of "bad" communication. You might find that your husband doesn't quite understand what you were angry about or that what he thinks he understands isn't what you meant at all. You will need to calm down to explain it to him.

My husband and I needed an objective person to help me explain my view in a way that he could understand. I wasn't speaking on a "guy" level and he was making some assumptions about my "girl" talk.

As for all these responses, take what makes sense to you and what helps you and leave the rest. It is very hard to explain such a situation in an email or in this kind of format.

Bless you for expressing your concerns and, in doing so, reflecting on what happened and why you reacted the way you did. A lot of people don't even ask "am I overreacting?" !!!

I'll pray for more understanding from your husband. -D.