My Husband Help or Lack Thereof in the Household

Husbands are like that for sure, and a lot depends on how they were reared and what they saw their father do or not do.
Of course! you need help so it's time for you to (work your wiles and smiles with him) go "lovingly" to your husband and "sweetly" explain that you need for him to please help you with some chores and with the children after work and that you would appreciate it so much if he could do that for you. Now, I am always willing to help my husband outside, hold the light, get a screwdriver, rake leaves with him, mow, etc. you get my drift, right?, so that way you can always add that you know how much he appreciates it when you help him out. That extra hand can really be valuable at times. Salt and vinegar will definitely not soften him, but loving kindness should, if not, then pull out the two by four and bang him between the eyes a couple of times, he'll get the drift...just kidding!
This is the plan C., try to not nag, guilty feelings, no, just pleasantly say to him (when you are not upset) how much you need his help, it would take a lot of stress off you, sniff sniff and make things more pleasant in the house so you don't feel the whole weight of the household and rearing the children. You need him to lend a hand. You're not asking him to split every chore, but just to help out since you're goal as parents is to have a great family and right now it takes two. When the kids get a little older, it will also take them to make this happen.
Everyone should have a part with responsibilities so the family can run smoothly. Patience is a virtue, really try to incorporate it in your personality when you deal with him. A man LOVES to have a wife who isn't a nag or whiner, they want a woman who will make him feel like the king of the castle. Don't get your dander up now, just listen, when you make him feel like a king, he will make you feel like his queen. I guarantee you this will work. What you dish out you will get back...make sure that dish is dripping with love, compliments, and appreciation for all he does to bring home the check and take care of everyone. Kisses and hugs can go a long way. ALl of you who are thinking the two by four method suits you better believe me I don't blame you, I've been there, but unfortunately it won't get you what you want. Realistically, I know some husbands are rats and mean and will bite back, but I hope you don't have one of them.
If you do, the advice I gave is probably useless because they think they deserve everything and want a wife to bow down to them. Nope Nope Nope!!! Not in this lifetime!!

C., you are a normal girl with a normal husband.
I wish you tons of luck.

G.

1 mom found this helpful

hey C.. Let me first share my experience of what NOT to do!! smile My husband was working hard (as was I!) and went through a rough time when he withdrew a bit from our family life... he was busy with work stress and not understanding of the amount of work that I was doing at home, so not nearly as forthcoming with help as I thought he should be (if only they saw and understood everything that we do! smile)
so I nagged, and he withdrew, so I nagged some more, and then he checked out, and I started yelling and ... yeah, we were both miserable. (obviously there was other stuff going on too, but we hid from our other issues behind fights about the chores-- then we were both angry and alienated and hadn't actually talked about the real problems! obviously a great approach)

what we're trying now is a "family counsel" approach... we sit down and confer about the family business once a week. To get it started right and to get into the habit, we just talked logistics (what's the schedule for the week, who is picking up our son what days, etc. and don't forget to schedule in a break for yourself!), but it's also the time when we can decide who needs to do what for the week-- that way expectations are spelled out in one conversation and we can also together decide on an appropriate timeline, etc. So now my husband knows that he needs to clean out the gutters sometime before our next weekly meeting (and he feels like it was his idea! smile), but it's up to him when he wants to do that. And then it's off my plate and I don't have to worry about it or spend energy becoming resentful of the fact that it feels like he's not helping. That method also helps both of us respect how much the other is doing and be aware of each other's schedules so that our expectations of each other are reasonable-- it's easy to feel so tired and overwhelmed (and alone if he's so busy working!) that I can feel like I'm doing everything and thus forget to recognize what he is doing around the house or that he can't do much more than he does if he's not physically there!

This technique was much more structure than I thought we should need (I thought he should just be able to see what needs to be done and be able to help out without a big discussion about it!), but it's reducing my resentment and stress because it takes me out of the role of being the taskmaster at home. My hope is that if my husband can agree ahead of time to how he would like to help at home and what is reasonable and expected, then he'll be more my equal partner in the household and will be more connected to me and the family than if he feels like he is being nagged to do things whenever he walks in the door. (and as we get better at this technique, we're supposed to be able to address the bigger, looming issues through this type of controlled conversation too so that I don't feel like he is always avoiding the issue and he doesn't feel like he could get blind-sided by the conversation any time we're spending time together-- we'll get there eventually... smile)
Maybe some version of this would work for you too...

Whenever my husband starts slacking off about helping me or we have a fight about it (I am also 9 months pregnant, but this is regardless of pregnancy) -I remind him that I can easily go back to work full time, and then EVERYTHING will be split 50-50 -childcare, housework, cooking, laundry,dropping the kids off for preschool, grocery shopping, etc. He's actually good most of the time, but bringing up that point really puts it all into perspective for him!

Simply ask him (sweetly) to do some things for you. And, yes, you will have to do this everyday if you want him to do anything. Go with "Hun, will you do so and so for me. Please!". LOL Men just dont think like us and they dont realize what all goes into keeping the house running. Yes, work for them is tiring but so is house work and running after kids. Just remind him (sweetly) that your feet hurt or your back aches and that would he be a darling and do the dishes. LOL If all else fails, cry. LOL Just Kidding.

Hi C.,

This is indeed the age-old battle. I am guessing that at some point even Adam and Eve and the cave men and women have had this battle.

I would say that first of all, guilting men doesn't work. They don't have the same conscience as we do, or they couldn't sit on the computer while the baby cries and we do everything in the first place.

Second of all, the "honey do" thing works sometimes, but lemme tell you, I have been married 13 years and it gets old. I have actually told my husband (when he suggested the same thing) that it is all well and good, but he doesn't have to ask me "honey can you cook dinner" or "honey, can you do some laundry" etc. Nope, I can actually think to do those things on my own -- and guess what-- so can you!

Ultimately, you will have to take all of this advice and use a little bit from each and come up with your own solution, but what I have to do is just flat out ask for help. Not in the honey do format, but "Hey, we need to talk". I have told him over and over that I never get a day off, I am always the mommy, and that even though he is at work he doesn't have the stress of having the life of another person in his hands all day.

I have actually given my husband a couple of chores. I sat him down and told him I can't do everything and shouldn't have to, and that I need him to load the dishwasher at night. I have my son unload it, and my husband loads it. Is it a big deal? No, could I do it myself, yes, but at night after I have been cleaning all day, it sure is nice to look at a sink full of dishes and know they are not mine! Now he does it most days, and I don't have to ask. Does he ever need reminding? You betcha! Does he ever do anything I have not designated as his chore, you betcha (not often, but it happens :-). Most men are not self-starters when it is something that doesn't directly benefit them. They are not intuitive...we all know that, right? He will never come home and say, "wow, honey, you look tired, go take a bath while I take care of the kids"...well, my husband said that the other night after I had a "Three Mile Island, Mushroom cloud meltdown", but by that time, I didn't want a bath, I wanted a gun (kidding). What I am saying is that as much as we want them to know the perfect thing to say and do, it isn't going to happen. I don't believe they don't want to, it just isn't in their DNA. Think cave man. God didn't equip these guys for deep, insightful thinking, he made them hunters and gathers. They are programmed from creation to go to work and bring home the fruits of their labor. Nowadays it isn't a saber tooth tiger, it is a nice fat paycheck. We, as women were programmed to nurture and care and think. Men are doers...so, if we have to tell them what to "do", so what, as long as it gets done. Most men don't mind us telling them what to do as long as we tell them nicely and respectfully --they especially like it if somehow you can make them think it was their idea ;-). Duh, I know, I shouldn't have to tell my husband either, but, it is what it is! I am not sure my husband even has the capacity (and he is a smart guy) to look around the house and see what even "needs" to be done. When he does take initiative to do housework without my asking he does things that I don't even care about. I am like "why the heck did he mop the kitchen floor when there is a sink full of dishes?" You know what I mean. So, I would rather ask for what I want. BTW, I do the same for holiday gifts. He often falls short of being intuitive there as well, so after a few years of disappointing gifts I give gentle hints-- like emails that say "I WANT THIS". That is the sort of hint it takes with my guy! ;-) Back to Adam and Eve, if Adam could think for himself, he wouldn't have eaten the apple when Eve offered. He would have said "No, you go ahead, I'll have this banana over here", and the world would be different. BUT....

I know I have written a book. I have been having this battle for 13 years. It doesn't change, just the house we live in changes. We all fight this battle and I will continue to read your responses. Maybe there is a solution I haven't thought of, but in 13 years I have tried almost everything.

Best of luck!

Can I say...Welcome to my world. I've got the same problem except I also work, take the kids to school, pick the kids up, help with bathing,feeding, homework and putting them to bed. And to top it off most times he's at his mother's house on the weekends. He doesn't wash clothes or dishes, although the majority of them are his. Please when you find out what to do let me know.:-) LOL

There are a few things, first, ask. If you get a negative response, ignore it and do the task you asked him to do-guilt will insue and that is so much more productive than an argument.
Also, I leave the house, and the kids (at least once a week for 2 hours-I take a class) and say "and if you don't mind, tidy the house a bit as well, I just haven't found the time or energy lately." Let him see what it is like and give him the chance to tidy. Either he won't find the time and empathize, or he wants to show you how great he is at multitasking so he does clean the house, and you come home to tidiness.
Or, find articles (Mothering had one this month) about mother's needs and it is a responsibility to help the spouse around the house (and appreciate it when one is doing most of the work)-lie these article is places where he will find it, on the refigerator, tape it to his eye level in the bathroom when he pees, on the mirror, wherever. He'll get the hint loud and clear, and really-sometimes they need it right in front of their face or they won't even think about it.
My husband and I had the discussion a lot when the 2nd was born and I was very emotional. I felt unappreciated when I was trying my best to do it all. I finally learned at long last, you must ask. and you must continuing asking. and if he gets huffy say "my job is 24/7 and important -just like yours- and I need help too. And I'm not afraid to ask for it.Now get up, and empty the dishwasher". And if all else fails, make him hold the screaming babe so you can clean, He will trade places with you in a heart beat.

Take him to your next ob visit. Call ahead and ask to have the dr. point out that you will need extra help around the house until the birth and for a few weeks after until you regain your strength. Having 'doctor's orders' may help. Having my doctor remind him that pushing/pulling a vacuum and leaning over a tub to scrub it where no longer comfortable activities, helped open his eyes a bit.
K. h

Hi,
I understand what you are going through completely. We relocated here from Houston just last year and were newly weds... plus I didn't know I was pregnant with our third child. My husband come home and get on the computer, watch TV, go to sleep, etc, etc... It was like because I am at home and he goes to work, he didn't have to do anything around the house. Unfortunately, we have to tell them the common sense things. I AM PREGNANT!!! I HAVE BEEN WITH THESE KIDS ALL DAY!!! I NEED A BREAK!!! I NEED HELP!!! YOU HAVE A JOB WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM WORK, AS WELL AS WHEN YOU GO!!! And you want to scream sometimes, but I found it better to pray a little prayer before I told my husband these things. I prayed to remain calm during the conversation and that he'd take in what I was saying hold heartedly. A majority of the time our husbands want to keep us happy. So I think everything that's bothering you should be layed on the line. I mean once I talked with my husband he's been a great help. He comes straight home from work and tends to the kids as I finish with dinner. Then we do the whold family thing... read books with the girls, play games, and get them ready for bed. I calm conversation always helps. But do not leave any of your feelings out.

It's how you approach it. When you are ready to bring up the subject first tell him how much you appreciate being able to be a SAM and that you know how hard he works and his taking a second job is going to be hard. But, this final month of pregnancy is also very hard and if he could possibly help at times it would mean so much to you. Sounds like he is probably now aware of what you need beause you have not told him. Do it with love. V.

C.,
Many couples have trouble communicating their needs to each other. When two people want their marriage to become great they work at pleasing each other(placing the other's needs as a priority). I suggest you ask your husband for five priorities that you could do to please or make him happy. Do one or two and ask him to do something for you that would give you great joy. Let him know what you need from him in a loving caring way (I would really appreciate your help by doing....) this would really make me happy if you could do this for me. When he does the things you ask or anything that brings you joy, compliment him and let him know who much you love him for meeting your needs. We enjoy our spouse providing for our needs and they also enjoy the same. Bring romance back into the marital equation by doing these things and it will create an atmosphere love in your home. I believe caring, loving, and making our spouses' our top priority (doing what they want, not what we want to do for them)makes for a happy more fulfilling relationship. Try this and let me know what happens.
Sincerely,
L.

Welcome to the club! I don't know if I have too much help to offer, maybe just some comfort in knowing you are by far alone in this! I've been talking with my husband about these things for years, and we still are trying to figure it out. Just don't get too worked up about it... that won't help anything. Maybe give him specific things you need help with (would you be willing to please clean the toilets for me every sat.?) and don't feel bad about reminding him. If WE didn't HAVE to, we probably wouldn't either! And while we NEVER leave work, they don't want to leave work to come home to more work. It's a tough balance that I think most struggle to work out. Let me know if you find the answer!

Bottom line is this: if you want help, you have to ask for it! Your husband is not a mind reader and yes, in theory he should know that he needs to help out, but he doesn't. Just sit him down and very calmly, if possible, tell him you are overwhelmed and you need help. Remind him that you are PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD and you cannot do it all alone. If that doesn't work, put a tent in the yard and make him sleep there.....just kidding! (sort of)

you are going to have to actually ask for help. ie, hun can you help me with these dishes? Most men don't relize that you aren't their mother and you aren't going to clean up after him.

Good luck.