My DD is very social and when friends come over, she gets so excited and crazy. She's very loud, if I ask her to do something or to quiet down (when friends are over) she totally ignores me. I have asked her to play down in the basement where all the toys and games are, and she doesn't.
I don't want to discipline her in front of her friends, and after they're gone, she's basically forgotten what she's done and she thinks I'm being mean. I let her have friends over on days she's not doing sports because she's an only child, and if she doesn't have friends over, she is so sad (she can entertain herself, but I feel like I owe her some socialization with no siblings.)
Does everyone's kids get crazy around friends? Where do you draw the line?
Yes, my son gets crazy and overexcited any time we have any company. I draw the line at any misbehavior and discipline right away. I think some of the trouble is that he's showing off and/or testing to see if the rules change when we have company. I don't think that disciplining him later or sending the friend is going to help him learn that the rules are the rules even when we have company.
If she is not listening, then it's time to draw the line...NO friends over for one week, IF she does not listen the FIRST time you ask, the NEXT time friends are over. Warn her in advance.
Blessings.....
Tell her your expectations before her friends come over, let her know how many reminders you will give her before a consequence sets in such as no friends over for X weeks. My daughter is in charge of explaining the rules to her friends and reminding them to be reasonably quiet. I have pulled her away from her friends to talk to her during their playtime if things get out of control or she's "forgotten" what I had asked her to do for this playtime. It gets her attention and the friends generally have no idea why I called her. She also knows there will be consequences if she doesn't come when I call her, so she almost always comes.
I have an only also, but we don't have friends over whenever there's nothing going on. They need to learn to be alone. She gets socialization with her sports and at school. Don't feel guilty that she's an only.
If I were you, I would pull her aside from her friends if I needed to tell her something. That way you know she heard you. If I asked her to play in the basement and she didn't, then she would not get to have friends over for a couple of days. If she does it again, then no friends for a week.
If she is getting too loud after you tell her to quiet down, then friends have to go home.
It could be that she's just not hearing you when her friends are around. You need to be sure she hears you and then implement a consequence.
I would take her aside, into my room for a minute, and sit her down and talk to her. Yes, she's distracted, it's hard to pay attention with friends over. With my girls, if I have to say something, and I need them to listen I use my no-nonsense voice and they know I mean business. I don't wait till later, I will discipline in front of friends if I need to.
I do let small things go however. Like if I say be quiet your brother is sleeping, and they're a little louder than I'd like, I don't make a big deal of it. If they're screaming, that's one thing. But I can't realistically expect them to whisper, and not make noise, that's just silly.
Is she around 10 or 11?
Facts are that you are the parent. They are in your house. You rule the roost.
Do not hesitate to discipline your child. She needs to know who's the boss and who's going to do what they are told. Be the meanest parent on the planet and enjoy it!
My kids get crazy around friends and when they break the rules they get disciplined around their friends. Saying that you are going to wait until friends are gone to enforce the rules is telling your daughter she has free reign to break them when friends are there and to completely ignore what you say. She knows the rules, pull her quietly aside and enforce them. Teaching her now that rules stay the same when she is with friends will keep her safe down the road too.
Unless she's under 3 years old, you can discipline her after the fact and she understands AND remembers, but it's much better to do it in the moment. BEFORE the friends come over, you let her know, "If you ignore me_____will happen" and any other rules. She'll still do it since she's in the habit, but your advance warning will help make your SECOND warning more clearly understood when the friends come. At that point, when the friends are there and your daughter ignores you THE VERY FIRST TIME, you remove her from the situation and discipline her, reminding her calmly why. Wait for her to calm down and remind her ONCE AGAIN that you will discipline her again if she continues to act that way. Do it. Or, you may want to send the friends home on the second attempt, but I'm more a fan of making her behave, rather than dismantling the whole meeting and punishing the friends and the parents who drove them.
My son just turned four and he had a habit of being squirrelly when his French tutor (our friend who teaches all kids French at once, once per week) was over. It took several warnings and discipline episodes for him to act well during the class, but now he's great every week. At first I would only discipline him afterword, but it wasn't until he realized he would be removed right away and disciplined that he quit acting up.
And what do you mean she thinks you're mean? Don't let her play you! She does not get to dole guilt trips to you for doing your job. Don't discipline angrily, just consistently. Shes not supposed to like it, but it's in her full range of power to NOT get disciplined by choosing to act nicely when warned.
My grandson can get kicked into hyperdrive when around friends or about to engage in something exciting. If it became a persistent problem, I would sit down with him, when his friends are not about to arrive, and work out a contract. I'd tell him what my needs are (that he keep the volume down; that he listen when I make a request; that he stay in a certain area…) and ask him to propose specific solutions that he can honor. This can be something creative and fun, like "Mom, you can wave a red dishtowel at us when we get too loud." Or, "You can throw a pillow at me to remind me to settle down."
And, just as importantly, agree on a consequence if she ignores the contract. Write it down, remind her of the guidelines next time a visit is imminent. This would ideally be closely related to the visit itself, such as "If I don't _____, I will have to sit in a separate room for X minutes while my friends play." For repeated mess-ups, perhaps her friends will be sent home early, in which case, you'll need to tell the friends about the rule so they can help with compliance.
Punishment delayed until later is seldom effective. Kids, especially when younger, simply don't connect it logically with the misbehavior. The closer a consequence is to the misbehavior, the more the child will connect it with what she just did.
Do try to be a bit lenient on this – it takes awhile to learn new habits, and learning not to be so excited is especially hard. You might compromise by allowing a warning before the boom falls. I always drew a line between "helplessly excited" (and sometimes kids are) and "taking advantage because outsiders are watching."
Also, and this is very important, be sure to appreciate the kids' quieter, saner moments, and thank them with a big smile for behaving so well. Positive reinforcement is often far more powerful than punishment.
The wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, coaches parents on how to help their kids solve problems like this. And many other situations, too.
my daugther(7) gets crazy too. Just remind her before the friend comes of the rules. If my daughter is too crazy I just pull her aside and tell her she needs to calm down. I know her friends well enough that if they are too crazy I will tell them to calm down too. Especially if my son is napping.I don't do it in a mean or angry way, usually in a very kind way.
"Girls, you are being crazy! You need to be quiet, brother is napping" said with a smile. It usually works. When both are being "chastised" it goes down easier.
Is she not hearing you, or not listening? She could be so consumed with her friends and what is going on that unless you speak directly to her, eye contact, she may not be 'hearing' you.
No. Frankly, it would be easier if they got their crazy hats on when they had friends over. But at our house, it is a certain uncle/aunt and set of grandparents that cause my kids to get out of control. These relatives FEED the BEASTS (and then complain later, only half joking, that the kids are out of control). But they are the only people they behave like that around.
If it were with their friends, I would have no problem "disciplining them in front of their friends". That's a pretty strong deterrent right there... you don't want to be embarrassed in front of your friends? Then you'd better straighten up. Right? But how to threaten not to allow their grandparents to come visit? Hmmm... still working on that one. And it is MY parents. Well, my Dad mostly. He is a big kid and gets them all worked up right before they are supposed to be going to bed. :/ (sigh) Always has.
But friends? Never had that problem at all. And don't really expect to. They know that if they get out of hand, I'll rein them in, and I'll get onto their friends too, if need be. And their friends know that too. Never been a problem.
If I were in your situation, I would warn her before the friends come over. Be up front and let her know that you WILL end the play date if she/they cannot follow the house hold rules. And it WILL be embarrassing for her, and probably make her friends uncomfortable. But it is all up to HER and how she behaves (or not) and follows the household rules (or not). The rules don't change just because there are friends around.
Apparently, you have been changing the rules when friends are present. And she is taking full advantage of that fact.
I have a daughter who tested limits in public or with company around sometimes when she was younger. She noticed early on that many kids do get away with behaving inappropriately in public because their adults are reluctant to call them out, and she tried it out herself, usually while looking right at me. I handled it by going over expectations before guests arrived and letting her know that if she blew off household rules I would remind her once. Just once. Then I would remove her from the room, briefly the first time, longer any subsequent times. I didn't discipline her in front of her friends (handled that conversation out of their sight/hearing), but I suppose it probably was clear to them that she was removed as a consequence of her behavior. Anyway, I never needed to do it more than once in a play date. She's a fast learner.
