My Custody Battle over My 8 Yr Old Daughter

i think you've made a good reasonable decision. you are putting your daughters best interest 1st, ahead of your own desires. thats what makes a good mother. what good would full custody due you, if you could not take proper care of her. jsut becasue she is living with her dad most of the time, doesn't mean you love her any less. jsut tell the nosy family members, that's she your kids, you're decision, and you're doing what is best for everyone involved. some paople are jsut old fashioned and feel that a child, especially a girl, belongs with their mom, no matter what the situation and in lots of cases, including yours since you've got health problems, it's not true. as long as her dad has cleaned himself up, is a good provider/caregiver, and you and he agree on everything, then you've made the right decision for her.

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H. as a divorced mother of two, who suffers from lupus and migraines as well, I must say you must do what is best for you and your child, nobody knows your situation the way you do and the issues you may go through or have to deal with because of Lupus. My attitude towards Lupus is I am not going to let it defeat me. I miss days from work, but I also come to work when I feel awful and I make myself do the things that I don't want to do in spite of the pain. We have made plenty of trips to the emergency room during my flares at one point we felt like it was our second home, but they made it through and knows that this is a deficiency that I have and there is no cure. My children are 14 and 11 very helpful and very understanding, but also children that do the average children stuff such as argue, fuss, whine, sports, pom pom, etc. My finger joints would swell up so bad I couldn't grab a door handle to get in and out of a room. My knees would swell up so bad I could walk up and down stairs. I use to get cortisone shots for relief. I would have to have someone pick me up and literally put me in the tub to take a bath this is how bad of shape I was in, so nobody knows what a person has to deal with during Lupus flares unless they are physically going through it or know first hand from being around the person almost 24-7 to have an idea. If you feel that having someone who is in better health than you can provide and take care of your child then that is what you do, it is in the best interest of the child. Personally I cannot imagine my life without raising my children because I feel that I am the one who birth them into this world and I should be responsible for their upbringing, their nurturing, their guidance, the beliefs, values, religious and spiritual teachings and I gladly accepted that with open arms and trust that God will take care of us, even with my Lupus. Their father is very active in their lives as well, but he lives in CA and want them to come live with him during next school year, but I say no. I know he loves them and wants the best for them, but he has a very busy night life and a lot of other obligations that require him to be away from home a night. I work in the day time and I am home evenings and weekends for homework and other activities, which is what I feel they need.

For you, you have to get to a point where you forget what people think and live for you, because they don't have Lupus, they don't have the migraines, nor the seizures and taking care of a child is a full time responsibility regardless of what others say or think. When you are in pain the child still have needs that you may not be able to meet at that time. Do what you feel is best, don't let others make you feel guilty because you want the best for your child. Depression in the home is no place for a child at all, because depression hurts more than the person who is depressed. If your ex-husband is on drugs he does not need custody of your daugther either.

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H.,

I am a mother of three girls 17, 13 and 12. My oldest is from a previous relationship.Her father and I had joint custody much the same as yours. When she originally went to live with him I truly was not capable of taking complete care of her. If your daughter's father is a good father who takes care of her that is all that matters. Please do not allow your family members to influence what is best for her and YOU in the long run. I fully understand missing your daughter and wanting her near trust me. But our jobs as parents is to do what is better for our children.

Your family members should be told this is a decision that the main people responsible for her care have made and you would appreciate their support, if they are unable to do so then you would appreciate their silence instead.

Please contact me if you ever need to talk it is a hard place to be. Good Luck!

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H.,

From personal experience I have learned that you have to do what is in the best intrest of your child if her father is a great father and wants to be apart of her life, I beg of you let him. I am grown and have children of my own, but there are still days that I resent my mother for listening to her family and putting me and my brother through all kinds of court battles. A child wants nothing more than to be with both parents. Although you two are not together she still would like to see some peace between you. I missed out on a lot of happy days with both of my parents, because my mother's family. Please don't make the same mistake.

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I think given the situation with your health problems that you made a very unselfish decision. You put the interest in your daughters well being ahead of you wanting her to be there full time with her. I commend you for that. I am the type of person who cannot understand mothers giving up their children because they want to enjoy being single and don't want to be burdened with the children but in your situation I admire what you have done for her. As for your family, you will just have to explain to them why you did what you did and they are the ones who have to come to terms with that, not you, it sounds as if you already accepted your decision. Keep your head up!

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unless all of the family members who think you made a bad choice are going to help you raise your daughter so that you can stay healthy and she can be cared for, than it is really none of their business. tell them that you made the choice that you had to and that their comments are unwelcome.

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I have offended H., and told her I'd remove my response. I only wish her and her family the best and hope that her health and relationship with her family improves.

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Dear H.,

I appreciate the ladies who were kind when they wrote you, but I'm so sorry that some of the ladies in this forum are so judgmental. Posters aren't just that way with you - I've read some really harsh posts out there about all kinds of things. So many people who don't have physical disabilities and depression or haven't been around those who do just have NO IDEA how hard life can be for chronically disabled people. And the ladies out there who say they would die for their kids and wouldn't give them up to others no matter what, are living in a nice little coccoon and don't understand life outside their little world. How lucky for them that they haven't fallen under a debilitating sickness that has no cure and have to eat their words. Filling your void with things that make life worth living is good. Keeping your mind active is great. You're too young to just go to bed and stay there - depression and pain does that to some people - don't let that happen to you. I'm so glad that you aren't alone and have a boyfriend who loves you. It's obvious that he is the one who does most of the work with the animals. Most of us know that having animals around, by the way, is NOTHING like taking care of children, physically or emotionally. It's great that you can manage the summer and some weekends with your daughter, and she will appreciate that as she grows up and becomes an adult, especially if you aren't able to recover from your chronic illnesses. I daresay that she'll grow up to have empathy and understanding of people with disabilities moreso than kids who aren't exposed to it.

Please, please ladies, look up fibromylgia, lupus and depression. My goodness, one condition, much less three together, plus seizures and migraines, can be absolutely debilitating! And do any of you who blasted her have any idea how hard it is to actually be declared disabled by the government? It's hard, and they don't do it lightly. This lady is lucky to be able to walk the dogs occasionally or cook and clean her house, period, and some days she probably just can't. Unfortunately, she's got people in her extended family as well as in this forum who judge her. She's a caring person who misses her child and wonders if she's doing the right thing - that means she loves her daughter, not that if she doubts herself, she's wrong. If you really think that lecturing disabled people in this forum will magically make them buck up and work harder, that's a pipedream. She isn't able to do everything we do physically, which is why she is surfing the Net and watching TV, trying to feel better and use her mind, since her body doesn't work well.

H., good luck finding a different forum where people will be kinder. Try hard to find that - maybe there's a forum for people with disabilities who also have children. There are all kinds of people out there who can give you spiritual advice, practical advice, and ideas of small things you can do to enrich your life and help you. Maybe you could even find a church that could drive you to service, where people are kind and loving. That might help you with the depression, and you could share that church with your daughter. Your family members who are giving you a hard time probably just don't like your ex's family having her - that's not taking the reality of your situation in mind. Perhaps continued management of your depression will help you not be bothered by what they say so much. I hope you've found a good medication for the depression that won't aggravate your other conditions. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck with everything. D.

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Let them know this is YOUR kid and YOUR choice and they should not make you feel bad about your decision. They are not being very supportive of your situation like they should be, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Don't feel bad about your decision because you made the right one for your daughter. Let them know you are hurt by them acting this way and this was your choice, not theirs and they need to be more supportive and not critical. I too am addicted to the net, but I find the time to be with my 2 kids. I know you will too when you have your daughter. My parents can be critical about the choices I make with my kids; and I told them these are my kids and I will raise them the way I want to not the way they think I should. Now they won't say much when I refuse to give my kids candy all the time, or won't let them have soda. You and only you know what your limits are and how much you can care for a child. I think you made the right choice, both for you and your child, and she will benefit from being with both parents, no matter how or when that is! I applaud you for your decision and don't let ANYONE tell you you are wrong!!

you hang in there it looks like you have the best interest of your child in mind. since you and her father can agree on a arrangement that works for all involved and you have the support of your boyfriend don't let the others dictate or make you feel guilty for doing what you feel is best for your child and yourself too. where were these family members when you were in the midest of your health crisis? as a mom of adult children i know it is hard to not want to still tell our children what to do but you have to let go of them and let them be the adults they are i don't always agree with my daughter but they are her decesions your family needs to learn this you as the adult child need to listen to their "advice " but do what you know is right for your situation. i support my kids even when i feel they are wrong so respect them, but do what you know is right for you i will be praying for you

How does your daughter feel about this arrangement? Is she confortable staying with her dad so much ? Is he a good provider and able to be there for the emotional needs of an 8 yr old girl? Are you accessible to her at other times if she needs you ( ie phone and email? ) If all parties are comfortable with the arrangement then it should be fine. Are there sports or musical recitals or something she does that you could attend when you are able just as a way to show support for her when you don't see her as much? These things are never easy but it sounds like you are doing the best you can for yourself and for her.

On a side note I have a friend who was almost bedridden with fibromyalgia and she started taking a great nutritional supplement and is now able to take care of her disabled adult son. I take the same product and as long as I take it consistently it helps my depression issues tremendously. . If you are interested feel free to email me.

Your daughter is the most important one to consider. Forget the family members. I would have a long talk with her and ask her to be honest about what she wants. She has been through alot it sounds like and I would seriously consider what she wants. Remember in the summer her demands of you may be higher because she will not be in school. But it would alow you to spend more time with her.

A. M.

Hey H. ... my name is P.. I'm sure this has been hard on you. Making a decision like this can be very hard on you as well as the father and the family, but most importanly your daughter. I just recently decided to take my ex to court to have him give up his rights of our two children,ages 14 and 11. My husband of 9 years will be adopting them. This was very hard on me to make this step, but I felt like it was the best thing I could do for the kids, if something happened to me. My ex-mother inlaw who I am very close to supports the adoption, but is having hard time with thinking things are not going to be the same. This has caused me some stress and guilt and has made me even question what i am doing. I finally came to a decision on my own, that I cant worry about everyone else, only me and my children. I know its hard to do this because we care so much for our family as well, but your daughter needs you and her daddy ... specially if it means doing this agreement this way, and the two of you hopefully stopping the battle over her. As a 32 year old, I two went through a bad custody battle with my parents at the age of 5 and it is hard on a child. So, just try to put the guilt away and no you are doing what is best for your daughter!! Good Luck!

p.s. I too am hooked on myspace, maybe we can find each other on there!!

P.

H.,

No one knows what you are going through. You have to trust yourself and know that you made an unselfish decision based on the best interest of your daughter. Who can fault you for that? Isn't that what we adults should do? Sometimes we have to make decisions that we don't necessarily want but should do. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I know that you must miss not seeing your daughter everyday. I think your family is being extremely unfair to you by not trusting your decision. You are a sound like a very loving parent. Besides, a child has a right and needs to be with both parents. I understand that need (as my parents were divorced). Try not to beat yourself up too much. Trust that you made the best decision based on your daughter and your situation. The main thing is that your daughter is loved and cared for by both her parents. You need to tell your family that you don't owe them an explanation but that they should trust that this is best for everyone involved. Good luck to you!

Why do you want to take her away from the stable gparents, if the situation is good? It sounds as if, you are in a situation, where you can manage. Why not have her visit on a regular basis and leave this little girl where she is stable.

It sounds like you are a really sick person. It also sounds like you have the same feeling that one would have if they gave up there baby for adoption which is, : If they can't care for the baby and they believe that someone else could give it a better life, they give up that baby out of love so that their child can have a better life than they could give it." I think that is the same deal that you are going through. You have alot of animals, especially a snake, that a child doesn't really need to be around. If you are that sick, the child may rather be with her father if he can do things with her and give her a more stable life.
In that case, you need to take a stand and be firm and tell your family members that it is your decision to make and you are doing what you think is right for her out of love for her.
And that should be it. It is not anyone elses decision and it isn't up to them to judge whether you did the right thing or not. Just be firm and stand up to them.
I admire your honesty and courage to give up your child when you know it is best.

First talk to the child. If she is o.k. With your decision then let it be. Tell your relatives that you love them and thank them for their concern but until they walk in your shoes they should not judge. You know what your capabilities are and it sounds like you have made a good decision. Also if you got the child back and it did not work out then you would just be uprooting her again. Children need their parents but they need stability more. You are able to see her and if you want a little more time then talk with the grandparents and i'm sure they would work something out. Be nice when you tell relatives but be firm. It sounds like yopu have put your child first and that's what it is all about!

Personally I have to commend you for doing what is best for your daughter. Too many parents hold on to and fight over custody for selfish reasons, not because they actually are the better person to provide and care for the child. In our civilization, it is seen as normal that when a couple separates, the mother takes the children, because "that's where thy belong". That is not always the case though, sometimes the children indeed have a better life and more possibilities with the father. You sharing custody in this way with your daughter's father shows by no means a lack of love or responsibilities, it's the opposite! I'd tell prying relatives just what you have stated here, that due to your illness you feel that your daughter is better off staying primarily with her father, and that she is not lacking anything, the least your love and support. Kudos to you!

As long as you are doing what is best for your child, DO NOT WORRY about what your family says. We all have to grow up and make our own decisions.. Sounds like you have done just that... Keep on trucking

From What you are saying concerning your present situation you seem to be handling things the best you can. And you have the support of a good man. So you have to realize that no matter what, you are not going to please everybody. All you can do from this point on is pray. And let God handle the rest.

Hi H.,
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot. I just wanted to let you know that sometimes the most loving decision we can make for our children is to allow them to be raised by another caring adult.
A split custody arrangement can be very positive for children; children tend to do well when they are raised in safe and nurturing environments where co-parents can communicate positively. It sounds like you and your ex-husband agree that this decision is in your child's best interests -- which is all that really matters.

Sweetheart...soak up the support. Anyone that can openly support you no matter your decision...those are the people that were meant to be in your life.

You have to justify the decision to yourself and possibly to your daughter down the road. No one else needs justification. Just imagine how you would feel if she was hurt because you were not able to support her in some way! That cannot be what you want.

Also, please keep in mind that no matter the decision, I'm sure some one would have felt negatively about it. It is impossible to live your life to please everyone else.

I have been through your situation...my kids were younger and the situation was less permanant. You will adjust and eventually so will everyone else. Keep your head up! It takes a big person to think of some one else's needs over their own and you have done that!

I am not a fan of joint custody, but sometimes it is the best. If you and your exhusband can do it that is great. But just remember when you all are takling about things, you need to do the best for your child. Now as for how to hold your family they will just have to trust you. I am sure it want be easy but you want what is best for your daughter. I will keep you all in my prayers.

P.

#1 You're a competent adult and you made an adult decision, that you stand by. That's OK, that's what we do as adults.
#2 You say you feel guilty, but know you did what was in your child's best interest. I applaud you for that.
#3 I don't know why your family is against this decision, but assuming that your child's father is competent, drug-free, etc. and is willing to be a great father, it may a personal issue.
#4 But should the above assumptions be true, you need to explain to your family... that yes you feel guilty... but at the same time your decision for your child was based in her best interest, your decision is final, and that's the way it's going to be.
#5 Make sure you spend time with her and explain to her often (because she's still young) that mom's sick and that's the reason that she lives with her dad. Make sure she knows that you love her and spend as much quality time with her as you can and do what interests her. Also, when you have her, make sure your family gets to see her and that she gets to know them and builds a lasting & loving relationship with them as well.

Good Luck, and Don't feel guilty because of them. Although they're family and they love you, they are not walking in your shoes. I think you did the right thing, if you think you did the right thing!!!

H., I am sorry about all of your difficulties. I can not relate to the problems but I have family that can put the 'func' in disfunctional! LOL
Honestly, I think you have to do what works for you! You and your ex seem to have everything worked out and in place. You can not live your life trying to please your family. If your daughter is healthy and happy and excelling at her grandparents house then I think the two of you have made a wise decision. You don't have to answer to your family in the long run, but, when your daughter becomes an adult she will understand knowing that her parents did not make rushed decisions on her future. Also, you said your boyfriend stands by your decision. I don't think you should be adding worry to your situation. I think you should be comfortable with your choices and tell your family they should raise their children to the best of their knowledge and you will do the same with your child. *Life is too short to add worry to it!* Trust in yourself and your daughter will trust in you also. Good luck!