My Children and Husband Don't like My "Best" Friend.

Sometimes friends grow apart. Personally I would not stop being friends with her...I would instead focus more on the friends you feel closer to. Work on those relationships that you feel good about. It sounds like she really offended you by saying she is closer to another person. It's ok if she feels closer to someone else. But if she had more tact she would not have said that to you.

I agree with everyone else. People sometimes grow apart because one or both change. Just see her less and less and when you do see her, meet her for coffee away from the family and friend dramas.

Sometimes people grow apart, you can still be friendly with her to keep things comfortable when in mixed company without going out of your way to be actual friends with her. Don't be rude, but no need to always be available either.

You don't have to 'break up'.
Just be less available.
Limit your contact to every few months or just a few times per year.
Friends drift apart sometimes - and it's ok.
Make other friends that are outside this social circle.
It's easy when the kids have activities all over the place and you're meeting other parents all the time.

I have a relative who is opinionated. I used to try to give my view on subjects when we disagreed. Sometimes this led to arguments. I felt unheard and thought if I just said something in a different way she would accept that we disagreed and we could move on to a different subject. I often got hooked because she criticized family. I eventually realized that if I just listened, nod my head, say something non committal,.we didn't have arguments. And I could leave feeling OK. I accepted we were no longer close because she was so judgemental.

When I stopped caring about how she felt and focused on how I could accept that we are different in the ways we live life, I was able to just listen. My daughter and family stopped spending time with her. So did my close friend. I and my brother go to two Thanksgiving dinners. I don't include any friends in my visits. My brother has always not taken her seriously and usually visit's with me.

It took several months to work through my feelings of loss. At first, I had to conciously not make comments that would set her off.

I soon recognized that she likes to argue for argument's sake. I don't. I take care of myself by not arguing. It does take two to have a fight.

You have choices here. 1) to not include others when you spend time with her and not fight with her. 2) spend less time with her and let the friendship be less important to you. I suggest that your friendship is more difficult because you want family and friends to accept her. Somehow, having their approval is important. I've felt that way until I realized I can have friends that have little in common with each other. Seeing them separately is more fun. 3) stop seeing her at all. Like others have said, let the friendship die.

I don't think you have to do anything dramatic like "break up with her." I do think that the friendship you once had with her is changing or has changed. What you really need to do is somehow come to peace with that. You have to find a way to accept this change in your heart.

I would always be kind when you are with her. Even invite her to do things occasionally. What you have to be careful of is investing too much emotionally. It doesn't sound like she is too concerned about your heart, and that is what you need to be mindful of.

THis was not what I was expecting to read! my husband doesn't like my best friend either...but my best friend is AMAZING! lol I have never, not once, got in a fight with her. We may disagree about things but we talk them out.
She sounds like if you stop calling she will too. I probably would just slowly back away. Stop calling. Stop commenting on Facebook. Stop texting. If she calls YOU I would talk with her and chat, but just short conversations.
This will do one of two things...It will either get you on your way with different friends, or it will be a wakeup call to her that she needs to be a better friend.
OF COURSE....you could always just TALK with her....

It sounds as though you don't have to so much "step away" from the friendship, but simply let it drift away. It seems to be doing that naturally. You weren't invited to a family event, but you were offended. Instead, it would have been more natural to just let that go and say nothing.

The signs are all there. Its not a bad thing, its just a new season. She was a great friend to you, and you were to her as well, when you both needed each other. Now there are children, husbands, extended families, more secure lives (financially, educationally, etc).

Don't have regrets. Don't cling to the past. Just accept that seasons change, and people grow. Sometimes they grow closer, sometimes further apart. Its natural. You aren't her family, but you have your own, true family who needs you. Look at what's right around you and focus on those people and situations.

I would stop initiating conversation, texts/calls and visits. She obviously does not respect nor care about your feelings and is manipulating. She isn't a friend. Maybe she was in the past, but now that she no longer needs you for emotional support, she no longer is making an effort.

Live your life, don't wrap yourself up in her drama and chaos. People change, they move on. It's time you do too.

First of all, your husband and kids don't have to like her. You could spend time with her out and about, away from home, and the problem would be solved in that respect.

That said, everyone who has posted before me has given pretty sound advice. You don't have to make a public explanation or confront her. It's okay to let it die a quiet death, as it were. You just stop reaching out. If she wants to do something with you, then you can decide if you want to go out with her or not.

I think it's key to be honest with yourself about this. It sounds like you are grieving the friendship, that things haven't gone the way you would like, that she's disappointed you. Maybe you need more from her than she has to offer. Whatever the case, it's pretty clear from her words that you described "She proceeded to say that she was closer to that friend, and that we just have history, I am the only friend she fights with and I am just physically available. (oUCH!)" that she's not valuing you in a way most friends value each other. It will probably sting for a while, but in the end, you will likely have more peace of mind if you stop trying to make things work. I wouldn't feel good about that sort of conversation either. Sorry!

Stop including her in things that you do with your family or in groups with your other friends who have just been tolerating her. When you spend time with her, do it solo. Let her contact you, rather than initiating contact with her.

It sounds like this friendship is long past it's natural expiration date, and has been limping along due to habit.

Friendships shouldn't be hard. When they are, I personally just take a break and tell my kids the same thing. I am not into cutting ties and people off. Surely if you did that it would cause tension in the group. Just focus on what is positive in your life, and let this go for now.

That means focus on your family and those friends where it's 'easier'. Where you feel positive being around them.

I think some of this is entirely natural. In over 20 years, someone can be a friend and be in your life, but you might meet someone else you feel more of a connection with ('closer') just because you have more in common or connect better at that point in time.

As everyone has said, it's not a matter of ending a friendship, but rather letting it take it's natural course. You have a great history, currently things are not close, and who knows what you'll both be like in 5 years?

So easy does it, confide less and spend more time with friends who are currently fun to be with. And please, do not discuss this with anyone, not other friends, not her family. That's when things really go wrong and too many words are said that can destroy a friendship.

All my best.

You've been played. Viola, I hope you know that. I'm very sorry, because when we have someone in our lives like this, it's SO hard.

She doesn't care about you. What she cares about is having someone at her beck and call to make her feel important.

No more talking about your feelings. No more inviting her over. No more putting her with your kids and husband. Just accept lunch dates and listen to her talk and don't offer anything personal. That way there are no more fights.

When she asks why, pretend like you don't know what she's talking about. Deflect and change the subject. Just act like you're too busy to have her over. Be pleasant, but don't "notice" her efforts to corner you on the "change" in the way you deal with her.

Friends come and friends go. Some stick. Some don't. She is in the some don't category. Just let it go. If she calls, talk but don't call her. Some friendships are needed at a certain point in our lives and then they aren't needed anymore. It sounds like this is one. You may have mutual friends so I wouldn't go out of my way to be rude, BUT I would not be physically available anymore.

Kids and hubby don't have to like your friends. Makes life easier if they do but not required. Sounds like she isn't a very nice friend.

Sometimes people can see others for who they are when we can't because we are too close to them. Your family maybe on to something that you cannot or do not want to see.

Spend less time with her and do find new friends. Remember friends are for seasons and reasons and sometimes they do come to an end.

I had a friend that I was very close to and she left the area with no warning or even a goodbye. Fast forward to 18 years later, she reappeared as if nothing had happened or even the lapse of time that had past. She thought things were the same and mentioned a few medical illnesses in the family and such. I flat out came out and asked if there was something I did that offended her to the point of exclusion and she said no that many things were going on in her life that she could not respond. I had sent her my phone number and business card that had my number and email on it via her children that live in the area and never responded. Once I left her and was on my way back to work I did not know how to feel. I wanted to throw up, scream, cry and a few other emotions while in the car. Somehow I lost her phone number but I think it was a good thing because the damage had been done, the wound healed over and I had moved on with other friends.
It took a bit but I feel a lot better and so do my family members. As they say, too much water over the dam.

Have a good day and follow the advice of those who responded.

the other S.

My family hasn't ever liked any of my friends either.

One friend I met on my very first day of college. She has gone through many changes in her life and we lost track of each other for a few years but now we're good again. She lives about 5 hours away but we chat every day or so on FB or on the phone. We see each other every few years, it's not something we can afford to go and stay in a hotel. That's just too much money.

Another friend is a member of our church and is an older single adult. She is pretty disabled and my family just hates going to her house because they always get roped into doing something for her.

My friend that I grew up with, I was an adult with a child but pretty immature, man, my husband hated her. He thought she was low class and brought me down to her level. She is a mother of 4 and a hard worked and is a good mom. She is a manager of a finance place and has a degree. She isn't a low life. She actually lived in a house that she was renting and was remodeling it for her rent. It was gutted and as she went along she made it into a lovely home.

I tell my family that they can have their friends and I can have mine.

I don't take them with me every time I go do something with my friends either. I spend adult time with my friends while the kids are at school and hubby isn't along for the ride.

I did take them with me to go visit my friend that is out of state but they stayed at the hotel water park and my friend and I spent the days together. I spent the evenings with my family and we went to some shows. It was a dual vacation.

People can grow and change - what made you friends in the beginning may not be enough to keep you as friends as time goes on. Nothing to be ashamed of and it happens to people more often than you think.

I would say that the big red flag is that your husband and children do not like her. The people who are closest to you in the world and love you without reservation have identified this person as essentially toxic (why else wouldn't they like her?). I had a girlfriend for years that my kids/husband just didn't like - they could see that she was a user and a taker. I couldn't see it (or at least always justified it) myself as I was too close to the situation. It ended very badly and in hindsight I wish I would have listened to the people closest to me about her . . . they weren't not liking her just to make me feel bad or because they didn't want me to have any friends, they could simply see she was not a good person.

It sounds like at one point, she was a good friend to you and you to her. That is really great, but you don't "owe" her anything - and neither does she. You can simply just make the break. You don't have to call her up and be like "I'm breaking up with you." You don't have to write her a letter with all your feelings in it. You simply just take her number off your phone. You delete/block her on facebook. You take the same steps you would to cut off contact with anyone you feel is not healthy for you. Sure, you have some of the same friends. So? If you see her, there is nothing wrong with being civil - she didn't burn your house down or anything. But you can choose to not let her be part of your life. When I did it, I thought at first that she would be puzzled why I wouldn't contact her/or let her contact me anymore. Turns out she knew who she was and I wasn't the first person to cut all ties due to her behaviors . . .she just moved on to someone else. I know she probably bad mouthed me to some mutual friends. I never bad mouthed her - when other friends asked me what happened, I just said that we grew apart. Real friends knew the real score :)

Good luck!

I mean you need to just stop hanging out with her. Stop inviting her over, stop responding to her invitations. If you're going to see each other at mutual friends' things, fine, you can be nice, but if you want to end the friendship, and it sounds like maybe you should, then just do it. I know I'm making it sound easier than it probably is, but seriously, cut out the negativity.

No need to make a big deal about it. Just drift apart. If you are at a group event with other friends and she is there, you have polite conversations. But you don't need to go out of your way to spend time with her.

Please don't take this so hard - many friendships have a time and place, and drift away when that time and place is over.