My 4 Year Old Bio Father Wants to Meet Her, My Husband and I Can't Agree.

My former sister-in-law (divorced now from my brother) had a very similar situation. She got pregnant after the most brief encounter (almost a one-night stand) and soon afterwards, while she was pregnant, she met my brother and they got married just before her baby turned one year old. Aside from informing the bio-dad about the birth, there was almost no contact, at my brother's insistence.

They did not tell her son that my brother was not his biological father, and did not tell him that he was nearly one year old at the time of their wedding, and was included in the ceremony (my brother promising to raise him like his own, etc). He grew up never imagining that the man he called Daddy was not, in fact, his biological father and that somewhere out there was the man who was biologically his father.

My ex-SIL knew who the father was, and like in your situation, the father was and is a good man, law-abiding, with a good career, and a solid husband and father to the family he eventually went on to have. He asked occasionally if he could meet his son, but my brother adamantly and angrily refused. My brother went on to insist that the boy never would be told that he was born out of wedlock to his mother by a completely different man whom he did not know existed.

It turned out to be a disaster. My brother's stubbornness, and my ex SIL's reluctant agreement to go along with her new husband's wishes, led to a terribly painful event when the boy was about 13 years old. Someone (a cousin), at a large family gathering, happened to mention my brother and his wife's wedding, and said to the boy "you were so cute in your little baby tux at the wedding". Gasps and awkward silence all around, as the boy looked from relative to relative, as it dawned upon everyone that the proverbial cat was out of the bag, in such a public way. Up to this point they had hidden most of their wedding photos except for ones that only included the bride and groom, not the wedding party, as the little boy was an unofficial ringbearer and bridesmaids and groomsmen were holding him in lots of photos.

So the boy learned, at age 13, that his daddy was not his biological father, and that the man who was his bio dad had been asking to meet him - not to have custody, not to start anything unpleasant, but simply to know him and send him a birthday gift or maybe have a visit. He had been very clear that he had no unpleasant or evil intentions and wanted my brother and ex-SIL to meet his wife and children. They lived quite far away and he made it clear that they would not intrude, but simply learn how his son was growing up. The boy cried for hours, saying that everything he ever knew had been a lie.

Now, my nephew (he's an adult) does not speak to my brother. My brother and ex-SIL got divorced. My nephew went to meet his bio dad but because there had been so much secrecy and deceit in his family, he was distrustful and suspicious. He still has a lot of trouble with trust and confidence. He doesn't attend family get-togethers, as it's first and foremost in his mind that all these aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents all knew something important about him and no one had the courage to tell him and trust him with the truth. We begged my brother to celebrate the boy's life in some unique way, like calling their wedding anniversary a "we became a family day" or something, but he insisted on complete separation from the bio-dad and complete silence about the boy's birth.

If my ex-SIL had been honest with her son from the beginning, and if she had allowed him to meet the very nice man who was his bio-dad, and if my brother had not been so selfish and controlling and fearful, maybe things would be different today.

I know you want to respect your husband's wishes, but his wishes are not in the interest of truth. Being honest with your daughter, and trusting her with the truth about her bio-dad, affects much more than the bio-dad. It can affect her entire rest of her life and her ability to believe what you say and know who she is. It doesn't make your husband less of a daddy. It makes him more of a daddy, because he respects the truth and is grateful to the bio-dad for helping to create this lovely little girl.

All in all, this is more about your daughter's well-being than about your husband's fears or anger. Get a counselor's help in navigating this challenge.

The only side for a mother to be on is her child's. And in this case, the right thing to do is to facilitate the relationship with her biological father. Your husband may not like this, but the bio father has rights and if you refuse to cooperate, he can and will take you to court and he can and likely will get parenting time with his daughter.

Your initial approach was the right one - this is something to navigate cooperatively and with the help of a family therapist who can help with all the complex and important nuances of how you introduce this person into your daughter's life and, by extension, into your family. Your husband of course has a right to his feelings, but he's going to have to work through them. He's probably feeling threatened and insecure about this, and that's understandable. But the reality is that he married a woman who has a child from a prior relationship and this was always a possibility.

I think you should find a therapist/mediator immediately who can help navigate this. There are professionals who specialize in family reunification and other complex cases.Tell your husband that that's what you're doing and that you'll need him to be part of this to work through his own complex feelings and smooth the path for your daughter. Then tell her bio dad that you're consulting with a therapist/mediator to navigate a way forward, that he will have a say in crafting a plan and that you will be in touch. His hiring an attorney can be scary for you, but it also gives you a very clear case to make to your husband that if you don't cooperate and lead the way here, you will lose control of the situation, it will cost time and money to defend in court, and court will decide what's best instead of all three parents deciding what's best. Hopefully once he sees that you're working towards making this happen, he'll pause legal action. Eventually you will likely need a court order in place that establishes paternity, child support, and a parenting time schedule.

All three adults need to work together to do what's best for your daughter. A skilled counselor can work with everyone in sorting out how to make this happen and then you can make it legal.

Your husband is very worried that his role as "father" is being threatened. This is why he did not want a DNA test, and this is why he does not want the biological father to visit. That's understandable, and it's understandable for you to want to respect his wishes. After all, he is your husband and he is the only father your daughter has ever known.

The things is, this isn't about him. That might not be an easy thing for him to recognize, but none of this is about him.

This really isn't about you, either. I don't know what an AOP is or why you did not list the biological father as the father on the birth certificate or why you told the biological father that he was definitely not the father and that your husband is the biological father. It probably made sense to you at the time and simplified things for your new marriage. Your probably thought those were smart decisions that would help you from a legal standpoint, but it was wrong of you to do them. It was wrong of you to deny the biological father knowledge of his child, it was wrong of you to tell him that the child wasn't his, it was wrong of you to sign your husband's name to the birth certificate, and it was probably wrong of you to sign an AOP.

While it's not biologically possible, try to think of how you would feel if the situation were reverse - if you were told (definitively) that the child was not yours, if legally, your daughter had a different mother listed on your birth certificate (making it legally very difficult for you to regain any rights as her mother), if the only reason you suspected you were lied to was because a friend showed you pictures.

Almost everything in your post and your SWH is about how you protected yourself from the biological father having legal rights, how you need to make your husband happy, how this child is "your daughter," never the biological father's daughter.

Your daughter has every right to get to know her biological father and her biological family. You have kept her from them for years. It's time for you to rectify that mistake.

Your daughter's biological father has a right to get to know his daughter and have a relationship with her. You've kept her from him for years. It's time to rectify that mistake.

Your are not caught between the biological father and your husband. You should not feel torn. You should admit that there is a right thing to do and a wrong things to do. You have chosen the wrong thing to do too many times already. It's time to own that and do the right thing. If your husband feels threatened because you are doing the right thing for your daughter and her biological father and he doesn't know what's going to happen to his role in all this, that's not going to make it easy. You'll need to reassure him that you chose him (not the biological father) and that his role as your daughter's father will never change. Remind him that if he doesn't support this now, it will likely blow up in his face when your daughter realizes that he tried to prevent her from getting to know her biological father. That's not a threat! That's just the way she will see it.

Talk to the family counselor, but you really need to stop living in denial. You chose this path, and it's time to correct course.

I think that a whole lot of stuff didn’t get dealt with 4 years ago or 2 years ago, and now it’s catching up.

I don’t know when your ex knew that you were pregnant (when it happened, at the birth, or later). I don’t know who, if anyone, is on the birth certificate. I don’t know why your ex checked out of the situation, or why he’s appearing now. You say you don’t know either, but you already jumped in with an idea of how many visits per year he should have. I think you put the cart before the horse. You say he’s a good guy, but if he disappeared for nearly 5 years and if he made a quick jump to power attorneys, he’s not a saint. So he has issues.

I don’t know why you and your husband didn’t pursue adoption of your daughter and the termination of your ex’s parental rights. If your husband thought he could just be Daddy with no other arrangements legally, he wasn’t thinking it through. Medically alone, a child needs to know what’s at stake. That you and your husband haven’t planned for this (regardless of whether your ex ever showed up) shows a certain amount of naiveté. And his quick jump to anger shows that he has far more at stake here than just your daughter’s wellbeing. So he has issues.

You have your issues as well. You were hurt as a child, and you not only don’t want to make that mistake again, you were so quick to avoid it that you started negotiating immediately on how many visits your ex could have. You aren’t objective (who would be?) and you need objective help.

My husband (adopted by his parents at birth) found out from a 3rd party relative, and it was devastating for him. After all, your stepson clearly knows that this little girl is not Daddy’s bio child, right? It wouldn’t take much for him to say something! By the way, my husband is very smart but probably wouldn’t qualify as “gifted” – I have no idea why you think your child being gifted plays a role here. I’d take that out of the equation – it’s irrelevant. Whether or not she is gifted is absolutely NOT the deciding factor here.

So, I think you have to find a qualified family therapist with experience in family reunification issues. That’s important. I think you need legal representation as well. Now, if you are positive that your ex is Mr. Reasonable (which the jump to super attorneys doesn’t indicate) and if you think that your husband is also Mr. Reasonable (which his anger doesn’t indicate), you could all save a lot of money by working with a family mediator (a lawyer) and splitting the fees. Perhaps your ex could cover those if you cover the therapist. I don’t know the particulars but it would show a great deal of cooperation if everyone worked for the benefit of the child instead of turning this into a spitting contest of who has the most rights. None of you is qualified to navigate these waters. And stating up front that you can’t afford it is a red flag. I understand that may be in response to your ex throwing his money and power in your face, but focusing on being the peacemaker between these 2 men means that you are not focused where you should be. Your daughter only has one advocate right now, and that’s you. You act like there are 2 sides: bio dad and your husband. There is a 3rd side: yours. And a 4th side: hers. THAT is the side you pick, and you get help to do it.

I think your husband is being selfish. Has he adopted your daughter? I'm guessing not, or the bio dad would have given up his parental rights already. What side do you pick? Your daughter's side. Introducing a new adult who loves her into her life might be chaotic at first but not damaging (in fact it will most likely be great for her), her bio dad has every right to see her because the two of you simply never decided otherwise in the last 5 years. That's a long time to not come up with a game plan in case he ever did want a relationship with her. You are right, being denied access to a parent (who is not abusive) IS VERY DAMAGING to a child, she may very well blame either or both of you for denying her visitation with her bio dad, and then you will have a really bad situation on your hands.

You two should come to an agreement with the bio dad and decide what is best for your daughter, not what is best for you or your husband or bio dad, but what is best for HER. If I were you, I would take the lead and come up with a plan you would be comfortable with, and then sit the two men down and offer up a solution. The reality is that your husband is NOT her biological father and has not taken on the legal responsibilities of one, and bio dad has chosen to not be a part of her life (for whatever reason) but has also not given up his parental rights, and now has changed his mind, which he has every right to do. The only constant for your daughter in this scenario is you, so I think YOU get to decide what is in the best interest of your daughter. I really hope you have not given her the impression that step dad is her bio dad. Good luck.

get a lawyer. start family counseling and allow the child to build a relationship with bio dad. use the courts to get child support if you can.. ya dont want this to bit you in the butt later on like it did in the pp story. but please get counseling first so they can help your family thru this time.

It is not a choice between the two men, it is all about what is best for your child. If you deny her the chance to get to know and have a relationship with her bio dad she may resent it for the rest of her life once she does find out. There can never be too many people that love a child and care for their well being. Talk with husband, help him see how this could benefit your daughter in the long run and reassure him that it doesn't replace him as the girls father in any way.

The ultimate question is what arrangement will be in the best interest of your daughter, and based solely on what you wrote, it seems like it would be best to have a peaceful arrangement so she and her biological father can spend time together. What about the idea of working with a counselor so you and your husband can get clear about your feelings regarding the situation and become comfortable with the changes, while you all do the paternity test to establish legally that he is the father? Also, have your husband read Elena B's account of what happened in her family when the adults tried to deceive a child about his parentage. It's an extreme example, however a pretty good demonstration of why you and your husband want to get things out in the open now. Good luck with it.

Luckily for you, you don't have to make a decision, because the court will order the situation to go one way or the other. Unless there is a strong reason to deny Bio Dad visitation, the court will most likely insist on that.

Hire a lawyer. If you do not, it will be worse for you. Because you can't prevent Bio Dad from using lawyers on his side.

What you need to think about is what is in the best interest of your daughter. Because what is in her best interest is also in the best interest of your husband and you.

The chances of her going her entire life and not discovering that your husband is not her biological father are close to zero. What if she has medical problems and needs to know her family history? What if a relative innocently mentions her birth story to her? How hurt is she going to be then.

Please read Elena's story. Then read it again. Because this is what may very well happen to your family if you give into your husband's demands. Everyone loses.

i agree with you. it's a pity you discussed it with the bio-dad before you did so with your husband. i suspect that plays into his anger, even it's not the whole reason.

i think you need to move this to a third party court. go see a marriage counselor for this one issue. even if the rest of your life together is going great, you clearly need some help hearing and respecting each other's viewpoints on this.

let an impartial advisor help you both work your way to an acceptable compromise.

the bio dad sounds like a massive douche, so while your take on it is the best and most sensible for your daughter, your husband has a point that it's likely to be very disruptive to have this guy in your lives.

khairete
S.

ETA: What a stressful situation. I’m glad you are getting family counseling. You guys really need a neutral 3rd party to help sort this out. It might also be a good idea that you have your own individual counselor so that you can also sort your own feelings, independent of how it affects your marriage. Hope there can be a happy ending for all.

I don’t understand your statement of « I don’t have anything bad to say about him AT ALL ».

This is a man who didn’t take any responsibility for this child for over 4 years! Then when he DEMANDS to be recognized as her father,it is on his own terms and he threatens immediate legal action if his terms aren’t met. He put no thought into a reunification process with a young child who does not even know of his existence. I see plenty that is wrong with this man, perhaps you need to see him more clearly, because in almost 5 years I have to wonder what is the benefit for him to claiming his daughter now?

She has, in the very least, a moral right to know who her biological father is, despite everybody else’s opinions.

But before that is done the adults need to hammer out the legal ramifications. What about child support and back pay for medical expenses, school expenses,etc.? If he is such a ‘successful business man’ where is all that? Because with his ‘want’ to claiming a child also comes the financial responsibility, and emotional responsibility of having one.

Please work out all the paternity, child support, custody issues, etc. before she finds out about bio dad. But most importantly, work out all the emotional issues the adults have ! You all need definition of roles, and legal boundaries in place so that this transition goes smoothly and that none of the adults emotionally sabatoge the process for her.

You need to get an attorney now!! You and your husband aren't going to have the final say especially if bio dad has hired "super attorneys". That said, he can have all the "super attorneys" his money can buy, the fact is, he was not involved with his daughter for over 4 years. Why now all of a sudden??

Yeah, lawyer up NOW!!

A.

You've lied to your daughter her entire life. Now you've got to pay the piper.
1. If bio dad did NOT relinquish parental rights? He has EVERY RIGHT to see his child.
2. If bio dad DID relinquish his parental rights? He has no case.
3. YOU MUST COME CLEAN with your daughter. She can no longer go on the assumption that your husband is her biological father. You CANNOT. That's not fair. Yes, your husband stepped up, but that doesn't negate the fact that she is NOT his biological daughter. No, it doesn't take blood to make a mom or a dad. However, every child has a right to know their biological parents.
5. I do understand your husband feels threatened and his place as "daddy". But really? Once the truth is learned that HE stepped up? He will still be daddy. THAT won't change. Your daughter deserves the right to know her biological dad.

It's important to know her bio father. It's too early to introduce him as bio father. If he agrees and will follow thru onbeing a friend, I suggest you and daughter meet him in a neutral place.

Your husband has known your daughter before birth and thinks of her as his daughter. Of course he wants to be her father. I urge him to have a paternity test. Unknowns always complicate relationships. If your husband is the bio father your problem will go away.

If he's not, then he needs to accept the reality and treat your friend as the bio father for your daughter's well being. She will know that her parents have not been honest which could result in anger and the possibility that your relationship with her is damaged.

Because family and friends think your ex is the bio father, once she is older she will hear talk. Medical information is important. How will you explain that her information is different than her Dad's?

I can't stress enough that it is important for her to know her bio father. At 4 she isn't interested now. Once she is able to put information together she'll care, especially in her teens.

I adopted my daughter when she was 7. Her birth mother was legally a part of her life until I adopted her. So my situation is different but there are similarities that might help you. My daughter had lots of questions as a teen. Also, I've worked with teens nearly my whole adult life.

I'm glad you are talking with a psychologist and a lawyer. You do need to know how to handle this situation.

You have already gotten good advice. I just want to add I don't think you have only two options here, either take your husband's side or just allow bio dad his visitations immediately. You and your husband can disagree on this issue, no one in even the best marriage agrees on everything. And if bio dad has waited this long to see his daughter, talk to him about giving everyone some time to process. The people who get hurt in long legal battles are the children. If both men are so entrenched in their own positions that there are really only two sides with your stuck in the middle, then it sounds to me like both could use a little fathering reality check which is put the needs of the kid first. I hope they are open enough to see that. Good luck!

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You have already gotten good advice. I just want to add I don't think you have only two options here, either take your husband's side or just allow bio dad his visitations immediately. You and your husband can disagree on this issue, no one in even the best marriage agrees on everything. And if bio dad has waited this long to see his daughter, talk to him about giving everyone some time to process. The people who get hurt in long legal battles are the children. If both men are so entrenched in their own positions that there are really only two sides with your stuck in the middle, then it sounds to me like both could use a little fathering reality check which is put the needs of the kid first. I hope they are open enough to see that. Good luck!

Nope bio dad doesnt need to be around. 4 years old is way too young to go into all of this. Your husband is right. Get a lawyer and have your husband adopt

Updated

Nope bio dad doesnt need to be around. 4 years old is way too young to go into all of this. Your husband is right. Get a lawyer and have your husband adopt

Updated

Nope bio dad doesnt need to be around. 4 years old is way too young to go into all of this. Your husband is right. Get a lawyer and have your husband adopt