My 3 1/2 Yr Old Doesn't Want to Stay in School Anymore.

OKAY... first of all.... in my humble opinion if you are here to judge others... go away!
Second of all... can anyone else attest to this?? On the first day of kindergarten watch all of the children. Can you tell which ones NEVER went to pre-k? It is plain as day which ones have been at home with their mothers until that very day. They are the ones clinging to their mothers, crying... throwing fits... and being a general disruption to all of the other children. I am ALL for stay at home moms... wish I could be one, but life doesn't always go as planned. Even if you are a stay at home mom, you MUST give your child the opportunity to interact with other children, to learn and to be ready for school to start. Kindergarten is not what it was when we went. It is NOT about learning how to color in the lines, how to stay seated and raise your hands. These kids go in needing to be able to read three letter words!!!
Anyway... sorry to go off like that but some people have too much nerve!
Now on to your problem. Is it possible to hang around with him one day and see how things are going? Or is it that you are lingering too long when you drop him off? Keep talking to him and to the teachers.

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First of all I want to say, I know everyone is entitled to thier own opinions, but geez, I can't believe the nerve of some people. I could not disagree anymore with the statement by the one woman stating that you are wrong to have your child in pre-school. I hope you will not take that statement by her to heart. If it were so wrong to have children in pre-school there would not be millions of them all over the country. Your child is probably just going through some type of separation anxiety. It will probably pass with time.

Something the daycare did with my daughter, was they made a little booklet of pictures of members from our family, familiar faces to my daughter. Whenever she felt homesick they would let her look at it. They also let her bring a comfort item from home. My daughter cried too last year and even now, some days she tells me that she wants me and doesn't want to go to school. But the main thing you want to look at is how is your son when you pick him up? Is he happy?? If he is, things are probably fine and it's just the initial separation that is hard for him. Also ask the teacher how long he cries after you leave. Always remember to stay upbeat yourself, reminding him of how much fun he will have and how "soon" you will be back to get him. If you really feel bad vibes about the daycare then you should take him out but if not then rest assured this is very normal and a lot of kids experience this.

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Oh, the controversy. :) I can see both sides. My kids stayed home until they were each 4 yrs old, and that worked for us. I felt it would be too traumatic for them and me, if I put them in preschool at a younger age, even though they were ready academically. Emotionally, we all needed that extra year together. I'm grateful I waited. But I also believe it's a personal decision, and one you have to figure out for yourself and your family. I think the best thing we can do as moms, is to follow our instincts. You know your child best. God bless and good luck.

Sincerely,
M. B

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E.,

I have taught elementary school, preschool and Sunday School for over a decade and this is a common problem. If you have investigated a possible bully or bad situation and not found one it is probably because it is not there. Most likely it is just missing mom or testing mom.

My daughter and my son went through a phase like that when they realized they missed out on stuff when they were in school. I have learned to do two things....
1. Make your day sound incredibly boring while they are gone.
2. Give them one on one Mommy and me time sometime during the day when they are home.

It is good to give children experience being away from mom and with other children. It gives them the confidence that they can be independent and mom will always come back. My experience (and I have worked with hundreds of children) is that the older the child at the first separation, the harder they struggle. Get this over with now so that Kindergarten can be a smooth transition.

Don't feel guilty and hold strong as long as it takes. Don't ask him if he wants to go to school because he could say no and then you have a problem. Just be positive about school and keep taking him. He will get past this, but it could take a few weeks so be patient. Don’t let him hear you talk about the problem with other adults. Children’s perception is amazing.

Best of luck,
S.

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Hello!
The odds are that nothing negative is happening to him at school. Or it could be the smallest thing like someone took his play space or favorite toy. It will probably pass after a few days or weeks. (if it does not then get a little concerned I suppose) But all children would prefer to be at home with mama instead of school. Maybe he is just feeling like the 7month old gets to stay home all day with mommy and he is being carted off to school. My daughter use to always want to stay home when she first started day care school like at 3 also. And if they stayed at home for a while before being put in a daycare, it is really hard for them to accept that, but they can and they need to. I commend you for not "giving in" to him when he crys that he doesn't want to go to school. You do NOT want to reinforce that sort of manipulative behavior. the word manipulate sounds harsh, but children are very aware of what mommy does after certain behavior they display. It is like if your child gets a little cut or scratch on the finger and you get paniced and run for the antiseptic and gauze and treat him like he is an invalid, you are making more of a big deal about it then you should. And they notice that and think themselves that it is a big deal. Any you are right, if you give in he would do it all the time, because mommy will give in, because she can't stand to see a few tears. Just be loving but firm at the same time. I finally told my daughter one day, that my answer to buying her a toy every time we went to Target or Walmart was going to stay no and not change, and that if she wanted to keep asking me it would not change but that she might get a little tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over. I also explained to her about our money and budget and that when the Aunts or grandparents give her money she should save it for what she wants at the store. Good luck to you and do not give up, you are doing yourself and him a trememdous favor for the years to come.

It seems the topic of this discussion has changed a bit. :)

To reply to Alaina's post: I'm a stay-at-home mom as well of a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, and I'm currently looking for a pre-school for my 3-yr-old. She is starting to get into trouble at home because she is bored, and I am beginning to rely on the TV too much to entertain her as I cook or clean or tend to the 1-yr-old. It is time for her to go be with other children and be a part of a structured learning/play environment.

So we're not paying for "outside childcare." We're paying for them to learn, play, and socialize.

But each family must do what is right for their family. If that means that the children stay at home until kindergarten, then that is what the family should do. But if it means that it is best for the children to start a pre-k program, then that is what the family should do. The needs and personalities of families are so different -- one size does not fit all.

A..

Something is a miss here. He loved school then for four days this week he cries each time he is dropped off. That doesn't sound like a power struggle or separation anxiety it sound like something happened to frighten him. I would give him a chioce he can either try a new school or stay at the one he is at. Go to a new a let him explore tomorrow and see if he would like to change environments, if he does you'll know for sure something happened at the daycare he is attending now. If you can't solve the problem in these ways then you probably need to let him stay home for a while. If you continuously don't respond to his cries he will give up trusting you with his feelings. Good luck.

Maybe you should switch his schools. Maybe something is going on and you will never know what it is. Try finding another school for him.

You can beleive there is a reason that he is crying. Maybe it would be good for you to stay at school with him one day and see if you can figure it out....with the permission of the school or drop by at lunchtime and eat with him and see if you can figure it out. If it continued, I would try to find a better place for him where he could be happy.

E., I went thru a similar situation w/ my 2nd son. He was fine at first and then suddenly missed me. It was separation anxiety, he would cling to my body and the teacher would literally have to pry him off me. It was horrible, but once I was gone he was fine. What I did then, weather permitting was promised him lunch (it was a 1/2 day morning class)in the playground after class, which thrilled him. It was rough going for a while, but children do need to adjust to the idea of school. My youngest is in kindergarten and was giving me a hard time as well. So I started a chart, and everytime he went to school he gets a star, when the chart his filled I will take him to the movie of his choice, which he asked for. He also has asked to be able to buy lunch, which we now do every Friday if he has gone off to school with no tears. You just need to find what will motivate your son, give him something to look forward too. It is heartwrenching and upsetting to see them that way, I understand. It is always harder on us than them. Good luck, stay strong. Just keep reminding him how much you love him, that he is in a safe enviroment and you will be back for him. Let us know what happens.

E. G. When my did started crying, clinging to the bus drivers neck when he tried to drop her off, I found out later that one of the kids in the class was bullying her and hitting her. The teacher was wrong in telling me to not bring her back until she could controle herself. She should have checked it out like I did. I felt that because the teacher did not want to see what was happening, she was not the one to teach my daughter.

Gosh - you guys kind of dogged Kaari. Her post was rather aggressive but I tend to agree with her. --IF-- you're able to be a stay at home mom then doesn't it stand to reason that the children should be stay at home children?!?

If I had the opportunity, I'd rather spend money on a housekeeper, laundry-keeper, yard-man and the like and spend time with my children instead of paying for outside child-care.

It's a personal decision but there is validity to Kaari's response.

Hi, I'm a Mom of 3 boys ages 8,5,and 9 months. My advice to you is to do surprise drop bys at school. Pop up at anytime and look in on him. Chances are the teacher may not notice what's going on with him or it may be a teacher picking on him. Not to get you scared or anything, but if he's crying now and hasn't before and won't talk to you, maybe someone told him not to tell. It's worth looking in to. Check with other parents and see if they have had any problems. But please drop in periodically, your child will know you're looking out for him and the teachers will realize that you're serious about your child being in a safe environment and they will pay more attention to your child.

Something had to have happened that turned him off from school or he just misses you. My 4 year old was doing great the first 3 days of school this year. I would usually stick around for about 5 minutes just to watch him and make him feel at ease, until the 4th day, when a teacher's aid made me leave and took him into the class. When he started running to me, she literally <i>dragged</i> him back into the class. He promptly started crying and screaming. Thankfully, he was in a temporary class and was moved to his permanent class the next week. It still didn't keep him from being terrified and crying everytime I dropped him off. I got permission from his teacher to stick around for a while until he felt comfortable enough for me to leave. I'd give him a pep talk on the way to school ("You're going to be brave for Mama, right?") and I'd give him a time limit where'd I'd stick around for 8 minutes the first week. Then we went down to 5 minutes and now he doesn't even need a pep talk!

You're doing the right thing in keeping him in class. Your little one probably got scared and misses you, so maybe sticking around for a little while may help him out.

Everybody has opinons,some good,some questinable.

Between the time I had my two children, my pediatrician's opinion changed. She went from being a strong supporter of children being at home with Mom (which I wanted to be but wasn't) to children being in some sort of organized child care consistently, even if only 2 days a week etc, part time, whatever, because of the socialization that was happening. She was seeing children at 4 in prek having a terrible time because all the other kids had been in day care and had learned to follow directions, stand in line, and do all that nasty stuff kids have to learn. That being said, I remmeber having my mother in law care for my older child, and he did fine after about 2 months settling in when he started prek. But standing in line was really hard for him.

Look for where your child is. If he is happy, enjoys the company of children, socializes well, and the school,the teachers, aides etc are all above board, celebrate his going to school,make a book, go buy an ice cream that only boys who go to school get...the baby doesn't get one cuz he isn't in school, all that good stuff. If you have any question of what is happening to your son at school, find a way to check in and monitor etc and make sure there is no bullying and nothing adverse from the staff. My older son went through this too, at an older age, and his issue was was with a teacher who wasn't teaching and being mean, and some bullying from other kids in the class. After working with the school, we pulled him mid year. I didn't feel to badly,by the end of that school year the school had lost 1 full class room of children out of 3 class fulls that started in the fall. The school had a lot of problems that they were not fixing (this was in grade school). So, more words to read. Good luck. Remember, everybody is doing their best, and your love and support to your children,whether in child care, preschool, nanny school, commune whatever, your love and involvement is what is going to make the difference to your child. Let them be children, let them play and get exercise, let them socialize, and love them. Good luck.

Hello E.,
My name is S. I have a 2 1/2 yr old little girl.We had the same problem with the child care in church. She was so in love with it an one sunday pick her up an she was crying an breaking down.. I was very worried to see her make that U-TURN.. It turns out that she was bored the other kids can not talk well an she speaks very good for her age.. She interact better in the church events with the older children. I hope this can help maybe he is bored with movement in the class.. Good luck with it an please let me know how it turns out.( smile )

My son did something similar when he was moved to a "transition" class, I think he was 2 and a half. He did great in the 2 yr old class, but when they moved him, there were aggressive little boys in there and he just didn't like it. He would cry and cringe as I would take him in. He had never acted like that before. I mean, this was different than I don't want to go, this was true fear. I spoke to the director and she tried to convince me otherwise, but either he was going to a different class w/o the aggression, or I was taking him out of that place. So she moved him back into the previous class and he loved it.
So I am just thinking although your teachers say nothing has been bothering him at school, but that is their perspective. I think there is a bully or something of that sort if he was ok with it and then suddenly not. Either the teacher(s) is just not aware or they are overlooking something. I would check around for another facility.
And the woman with her views about a stay-at-home mom taking her kids to daycare. That is your opinion. We are not all created equal as mothers. Some women want to stay home 24/7 with their children, even home school them. Some of us need time away from our children, for whatever reasons, so we can be better mothers. The bottom line is whatever works best for each family. No preaching please.
Best wishes, E..

I have a three year old little boy and the first couple of weeks he liked going to school. But the last few weeks he doesn't want me to leave, he will start to cry and not let me go. But he only stays for 2 hours and 45 minutes a day. So everytime that we walk into his classroom his teacher is starting to tell him that mommy will back in 2 hours and 45 minutes and she shows him the clock. That usually works cause he knows that I am not leaving him for good I am just leaving for a little bit. I think it is just a phase that they go through cause my other two boys did the same thing and know they are fine. Just reassure him that you are not leaving him for a long time just for a little bit and you will be back in so many hours. After awhile I think he will get better. My three year old is know getting a little better, he always asks the teacher how long till I come back and she tells him the same thing and then he seems like he feels better.