Moving up and Out

Hi H., It sounds like you need to take a serious look at your priorities. If finishing school is an important priority for you, maybe you could finish faster if you took a heavier class-load.
If saving up money is a priority, you are right now in a perfect situation to be working a part-time job. You mentioned the advantage of having your parents around for free child-care. It's been 7 months since your baby was born, why aren't you working part-time? Being a stay-at-home parent is a good, respectable job, but some families simply can't afford to do it, and it sounds like yours is one of them.
If being a stay-at-home mom is important to you, and that's your priority, than you may have to consider staying with your parents long-term. Do you think it will be any easier to go out and get a job once you have your degree? You have stated that you want more children, and it sounds like you enjoy being a "sole caregiver". If you're not willing to take an outside job now, what makes you think you'll want to when you get your degree??
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I have to ask: how can you consider having another child when you can't even afford to take care of your family the way it is???
The bottom line is, if you don't like the situation you're in, YOU have to get motivated, and YOU have to WORK to change it. This can be done- I can speak from experience; I was a single parent without a college degree when I decided to go back to school. I worked while I was taking classes, and after A LOT of school and a LOT of hard work, I'm now making a comfortable living as a veterinarian.
I'm sorry if my words are blunt, but I simply want to strongly encourage you to look at your priorities. Good luck to you.

PS After reading some of the other responses, I wanted to add, please DON'T consider buying a house. It's people in a similar situation who got us into the mess we're in- people who bought houses when they truly couldn't afford them. Who's to say you won't want to move when you graduate? If you buy now, is there any solid reason to be absolutely certain the housing market will improve to the point that you'll be able to sell your house when it's time to move???

4 moms found this helpful

I see that you have gotten lots of responses, but I noticed that most people said not to go out to movies or restaurants. I think that's good advice, but there wasn't much more advice than that on "pinching your pennies." Here are a few ideas:

We garden, and the produce that we get from our garden saves us big time on our grocery bills. (Not only do we eat fresh during the summer, but we freeze or can a lot of the left-overs to last us during the winter.) Living in an apartment means that we don't have a yard to garden in, but we use "community gardens" and it's wonderful. This website has some good ideas on how to get started: http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,66...

One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten about moving away from parents is to not expect to have everything that they do right away. It took them 20-some-odd years to get it ... expect it to take you that long as well. Don't feel like you need a beautiful kitchen table, or a nice bedroom set, or even a nice couch for that matter!

With that in mind, before you go out to buy something, try to determine whether it's a 'need' or a 'want.' If it's a need, look on craigslist.com or another similar website to see if you can find it cheaper than you could in a store. We have gotten some great stuff like a nice free futon couch, most of our baby clothes (also free), and even a free piano (that was a want, not a need)!

Housing is expensive, but if you see it as the greater good to move out of your parents' place, look at a variety of ways to decrease monthly costs: walk, bike or take the bus rather than drive ... don't pay extra for the internet (go to the library instead - which could be hard if you're taking on-line classes) ... don't get cable TV ... use less minutes on your cell phone (if you have one) ... turn off the lights when you're not in a room ... wear slippers and sweaters and turn down the heat ... etc. etc. etc. There are a million ways to pinch your pennies. Establishing your family and home is worth the sacrifices.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Getting a part time job or full time job would be a way to have more money... if you have free child care. Just remember though, we all seem to spend whatever we make so no matter what the wage is, you will be strapped for cash.
The advice I would give to my children (if they would listen) is first get where you want in life.. a home, a car, a good job.. then have the family. You are already with the family and living with mom and dad worrying about how to afford to be on your own. You can do it but adding another child in the mixture would not make things easier, it will bring in one more mouth to worry about. First get your own place and learn either to live just on your husbands wages or get a part time job to help, even if it covers the groceries, it would help. You don't have to wait for the "good job", $7 a hour is $7 a hour you didn't have before. Limit yourself when it comes to dinners out, shopping, fast food. Make meals that stretch for more then one meal. I use to make a roast and we would have roast one night, hot beef sands the next, beef and noodles or stew the third. Make things stretch.

When you finish your school and can get a good job, you need to work up a savings account and get your finances in order so you could be ok for those unexpected bills that come up and then.. only then should you think of having another child. It is always easy to want what we want right now but it isn't always feasable. Good luck and hope you get that home of your own soon.

1 mom found this helpful

You mention that they are around for free childcare but then say that you are the sole caregiver.... Are you and your husband going out alot after he's home from work??? If you are serious about moving out, you need to watch EVERY PENNY. You could make some extra money by taking in another family or child after you move out. Lots of people just have a friend or mom watch their kids instead of sending them to daycare.

Even if you want to be the sole caregiver, you should still get a job during the evenings or at night when your husband can be home to take care of the baby. If your family needs more income to sustain itself, you will have to make sacrifices to make that happen. You shouldn't even be considering having more children until you can provide for the one you already have. (Living with your parents is not providing for your family.)

I agree with the other post that says take on a fuller classload so you can graduate sooner. If that is a big reason holding you back from moving out, you need to find a way to get done faster. You should be looking for a job in the field you are going for. That way once you graduate you'll already have an in somewhere.

Dinitely cut back expenses. NO eating out. NO movies. NO wasteful spending. You need to use that money to get your family a home of their own. (And when I say home, I mean a place to live NOT necessarily a house.) We don't even have cable! We rarely go out to eat. We haven't gone to the movies in years. That is what we do to make our dream of being debt free happen. God says to pay off your debts and we are striving to follow his word.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

H.,

Oh the sacrifices we make for our children. Count your blessings! Although it may be tough, you are so lucky to have the situation you do. Free rent and daycare ?? While going to school and taking care of an infant ?? Sounds pretty good to me. Are you really certain the trade off is worth giving that up before you've finished school?

Some things to consider:
- Would you be in a position to BUY a house in 1.5 years? It is a buyers market.
- Can you take some weekends away to be with just your husband and child?
- Once you are done with school, will you be needing daycare? If you moved out now, would that daycare situation still be the right one, or would you need to look for a new provider?

What does your husband think?

If you are truly ready to find your own place, there are some pretty good deals out there. It's a renter's market. Whatever choice you make, choose wisely.

Ivy's response hit the nail on the head! It sounds like you want more than you can afford and you want it all at once. REALITY CHECK: Most people are not that fortunate. You are going to have to work hard and sacrifice and be patient. And even if you were making more money, it's never enough. Things ALWAYS come up. You just learn to deal with it and do the best you can.

If you want to become independent again, budget, budget, budget. Figure out exactly how much money you need to cover EVERYTHING and then figure out how to make it work. Cut out all unecessaries, and live within your means. If you need more money, figure out how to make some. Being a SAHM is awesome and I wish everyone could do it, but that may not be practical if you NEED more money to live on your own.

If there is no way to move out, you have to respect your parents, be grateful for their help, and make sure you are not taking too much advantage of their kindness. Relying on them for everything will make them resentful and less willing to help. Use the time to save like crazy and finish school as soon as possible.

I completely disagree with getting what you want out of life and THEN having kids. My kids ARE my life and I wouldn't trade them for a house or cars. HOWEVER, in my opinion, it would be irresponsible to have more children right now when you can't even afford to not be living with your parents.

Good luck! We've been in tight spots before, so I know what you're going through.

H., I would agree with a lot of what the others wrote.
Don't buy, be patient and really watch your pennies. And yes you are lucky to have what you have. Just listen to what your dad says take it with a grain of salt and try to get out of the house.
Good luck

When do you do to school? Have you ever thought about doing your own business? I sell pampered chef and I make my own schudule when I want to work. That way you can help bring in money to save. There is a lot of home buisness that you can chose from that would fit your life. Be your own boss. I hope that helps.

i

Well moving our of your parents is going to be a shock to your pocket book but you can do it if you make a budget and stick to it. You might not be able to have the nicest townhome or apartment right away since you are in school and not working. But if you are really determined to move out you will find a way. I know that it can be hard when you have to choose over pork chops or hamburger again for supper or you can't go out like your friends do. But it sounds like your father and yourself is ready to move on. Make cheap meals, don't eat out etc you can do it. Living paycheck to paycheck is a way of life for alot of us. Have faith in yourself and your husband and you can accomplish it.

ok, now this may sound nuts, but check it out. I live in a hotel. Lots of them have weekly or monthly rates - you just have to call around. My rent includes: cable tv, wifi for my comp, telephone, daily maid service, fresh towels, sheets, pillowcases daily, soap, shampoo, bathroom tissue, klenex, breakfast, newspaper, and of course, electricty, air conditioning, heat, etc. The only extra bills I have are for food and car.
and all this is way less than an apt or renting a house.
maybe not for everyone but sure works for me.

You can do whatever you put your mind to. I personally am a single parent that went to college full time, worked full time, and I have raised THREE kids fulltime Alone and all at the same time. I have two Bachelor's Degrees and have a great job. I make ends meet without any help from the father. You just have to learn to budget, cut back on needless items such as going out to eat all the time, movies, and any extras. As far as money, it isn't everything remember, it is about your children. They are the legacy you leave behind!!! Hope this helps!

As far as purchasing a house goes, you will almost certainly not be able to write an offer today and close by the Nov. 30th deadline for the $8000. And if you could, you probably shouldn't. It is hard to stay with your parents but it sounds like where you need to be right now. I don't want to just repeat what other people have said, but I think that as a generation we have a problem with wanting to have everything our parents have now. They worked for years and years to get to where they are. We can too. You can never be financially ready to have a child, but you can be NOT ready and it sounds like that is where you are. Your baby is young, wait a couple of years and see what you can save. I went into hyper saving mode when I was pregnant with my almost three year old daughter. I put every extra penny to paying off debt, and then started saving. We now have no debt other than our mortgage and a fair amount of money in savings. I can't tell you how good it feels. We don't have all of the things some of our friends do, but we also don't have a dime in credit card debt. It is very, very nice. And it has become something I enjoy. I buy most of my daughters toys and clothes off of craigslist. Anyway, good luck. Keep your chin up, keep hitting the books and see what happens when you are done with school.

I agree that buying now is probably not your best choice. If/when you do get your degree you may want or need to move away for a job (especially in this job market - you take what you can get). I think renting would be your best choice. I know its not ideal, but a lot of times we have to choose situations that aren't ideal for us personally for the good of our families.

I think Ivy has a point about being ready for more babies. You just had you first 8 months ago... and if you're struggling to find a way to make ends meet living as an independent family, I don't see how adding another little one right now would be a good thing?

For what its worth, I would suggest staying at home for another term (or two) - really taking a full load of classes to get done with school asap - and then once both you and your hubby have a stable job, that would be the time to consider moving and seeing when you can afford #2. We don't always get everything in life exactly when we want it. But as a grown up we just have to cope with that and make the best of what we do have. Trust me I know how you're feeling - we have been living with my family for 9 months while we built a new house. We refused to start building until we sold our prior house - just too dangerous in this market. So, we did things slowly... sold first, THEN started building and lived with my parents to save money while we did so. Its been rough on all of us (my family and my parents) at times, and we are very ready to be in our own home (we were months ago!) but we had to do what made sense financially. Best of luck!!

Figure what you can afford to pay monthly, take everything into consideration even being able to put money monthly into a savings account. Then take that number and start looking for a townhome to buy. They have gone down alot... I know I own one. Mine used to be 169K- 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath, 2 car garage, corner lot and it is now estimated at 135K. Your payments will probably be anywhere from ###-###-#### including association fees. The only other bills you have are electric, gas, tv/cable/internet/phone. Water and garbage and outside lawn care are taken care of by the association. The money that you pay in a mortgage is money back into your pocket (equity).

H. - I would look at purchasing something. Now is the time for the first-time home owner to get into a home with the tax credit. I think it goes into November. Plus, paying a house payment is sometimes cheaper than rent. I know a great realtor who loves to work with buyers, she's a mom and knows exactly how you feel as a mom. She just had her 3rd baby several weeks ago!

If you're interested in talking to her to see what you might be able to arrange, let me know. I'll get you her phone number.

Good luck,

You have a few options:
1) get a weekend job, waitress, retail etc.
2) have a sit down with your dad, remain calm and explain that you know he loves you and only wants want is best for you and how much you appreciate being able to live with him and all the help he gives you---however you are an adult and a Mom and you need to be able to make decisions about your life and your child. I know a year and a half sounds like a loooong time but it isn't. The economy hopefully will get better by then and a good job will be much easier to find and you will have your degree. So stay where you are until you finish.
3)move into a less expensive place. I know we all have dreams and wants and we want to have our dream home, car etc now but it is a process. Is is more important to move out or to get your dream home.

Basically, you are saying that this is a money problem. So you have to look at your entire budget. Is the money coming in at the best place it can be right now? (Usually it is--most of us don't miss a chance to bring home a few extra bucks where we can) And is every expenditure necessary? This is where I feel my strong point is. People would be quite surprised at how little we spend to do what we do. Looking back over the years, I would say that the single biggest savings we have had is in driving cars that we pay cash for. If we only have $1200 when we need a car, that's the kind of car we buy. If we have much more, we buy one that is a little nicer. But we never get a loan for a car. Besides the obvious savings, these things are so cheap to insure (always liability only) and usually to repair. But you have to not really care what you drive. We also save tons by getting all clothes second-hand and getting most appliances and furniture that way. At any rate, write down everything you spend for a couple of months and then look at it and see where you could trim. You might be surprised at what you are spending on things you didn't really want that much or things you could have gotten for much less.

I can relate with you on many aspects of your post. First of all, kudos for not being "too proud" to live with your parents for the time being. It's hard on a person's ego to do that, but it's only temporary. Second, you and your husband need to sit down and set up a strict budget. Start with the absolute necessities and see where that puts you financially. While you're living with your parents, start "paying rent" but put it in your savings and start living on that budget now. You'll be used to living on what's left by the time you do move out! Third, grandparents have an opinion on everything when it comes to their grandchildren...especially their first. Take it with a grain of salt and stick to what you and your husband have decided on in regards to raising your child(ren). Obviously, if it is some great advice that you're getting, decide it you want to use that advice. Finally, once you do decide to move, to look at all your options. I would suggest not buying until you are finished with school as that would give you the option of moving out of town if that's the best job offer you have. Consider apartments, too...there are some great ones out there, you just have to look!

H., it sounds to me like you need a plan. Until you have a plan and a budget, your money can just escape you. I would like to recommend a book that changed my life. We were living in debt for years without even realizing we had a problem. It wasn't until my last credit card was rejected when I tried to buy a Subway sandwich that I realized something had to change. I read the book "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey and he helped me to see what I needed to do. We got on a plan and started being smart with our money. Exactly two months after we started the plan, my husband lost his job. It would have been the end of the world only a couple months before, but instead it just slowed down our debt payment plan. During the last year we have paid off ALL our credit cards and have paid for everything in cash. We still have a ways to go with a truck and home equity loan to pay off, but I now know that we can do it. I think that taking control of your money would give you the ability to move out of your parent's house and know that you can provide for your family. Good luck.

A.

If you're already busy with a full-load (or nearly full) of credits I would suggest that you DO NOT take any more. I'm a mom, going to school full time and I know that once you reach a certain amount of credits at one time, it gets extremely difficult to do well.

One thing I suggest is that you look into low-income housing. There is generally a waiting list for programs such as Section 8 - which allow you to pick the place and they pay a portion of your rent. However, the wait list is usually smaller (or non-existent) when moving into an already-established unit of specifically income-based apartments.

Also - if buying does sound like a good idea to you, contact Habitat for Humanity and see what their wait list is and whether you'd be approved for their program.