Mother in Law Assistance

Sorry to hear things aren't turning out like you planned. The hard part about this is, you don't know what she's thinking. I think many of us (me included) are super protective about out children and it shows to our in-laws. I don't always agree with the way they did things when they were parents, or the way they interract with my kids now... but as my kids are getting older (6 and 4) I am realizing how important it is for them to have some personal time with the kids. The in-laws won't be in their lives forever and I want them to have some great memories of good times with them.

Face it, times have changed. They used to lay babies on the bench seat next to them in the front seat of the car and drive wherever. They used to follow the directions of doctors without question because they were the authority and no other info was easily available for research. We have technology at our fingertips, we have much better safety regulations, we have "back to sleep" recommendations and guidelines to follow for how to do just about everything. On top of that, I know I am very particular about making sure they do things the way I want them done. My father-in-law doesn't wear his seatbelt (on purpose) and they are often so caught up in the excitement about the kids that they aren't very aware of their surroundings (cars, strangers, etc). They forget the concerns that go with each age (chokables, sharp corners, etc) until an accident happens or we point out the danger because they have been basically removed from that stage in parenting for so long it takes reminders.

Being a grandparent must be difficult. They are not the parent, they are not incharge and they may not necessarily subscribe to or be aware of all the rules and expectations we have set. I think it must be a constant battle to "measure up" to our expectations and to follow all the rules we have. My MIL used to make comments that upset me because I felt like they were indicating my lack of ability to do things like she used to. However, in later years, I've realized that the comments were more to indicate that they weren't as uptight about things being perfect and slapped a PB&J together while chatting on the phone and rocking a baby. They weren't germaphobes and weren't tied to their cell phones. Their lives were more technologically simple and often less stressful. Our society has created multiple generations of stressbuckets!

Some grandparents are not comfortable with certain ages of kids. My father doesn't know what to do with them when they start to cry. My mother and MIL want to do things the way they did them, to do the things that worked for them. Try not to nit pick what they are doing. If the kid isn't in harms way, let them do it. If the baby cries because they don't like something and you know what it is, offer what has worked for you but don't tell them what to do. I think sometimes they feel intimidated and if you just go in another room and let them do their thing, they will really enjoy it. It took us some late night trial and error to figure some things out too.

My biggest control release issue was with my FIL taking the kids for a walk. Seems harmless, but he would take them by a pond and show them the ducks when they were 18 mo and 3 and it scared me to death. He always seemed so lax and dismissed my worries. This was also back when my youngest would cry and most of the time insist on me being the one to comfort her. We discussed the concerns about the water and how he planned to handle the kids and then I let him go. He was SO happy to finally be trusted. I could see a glow come over him when he came back triumphant with no crying and me left behind. It is hard for them to know they aren't in control and they have to beg you to trust them.

My in-laws often don't come to the birthday parties. I understand now, they feel like it is so chaotic and the kids are so stimulated that they won't notice if they aren't there. (not true, but that's how they feel) They would rather spend "quality" time with them with less people around and stretch out the birthday celebration. I don't agree with this approach because the kids indicate they feel bad that these grandparents don't show up, but I also realize that these grandparents don't enjoy lots of noise and chaos. They like clean tidy spaces with little commotion. They are working with their comfort zone and it's not my place to question that. I also think they feel like when the whole family is around, they are competing with my parents. Seems silly, but I can see that discomfort because they are very different types of people.

Good luck and try not to spend too much time looking for the bad reasons why someone does something. There may be legitimate reasons why they behave certain ways. Also, I do not tell the kids when something exciting is about to happen, like visitors or big events, till it is happening because someone gets sick, someone can't make it, or something else happens. Set expectations low and everyone will be estatic with the outcome.

Good luck.
Liz

Hi.
I can relate. My advice to you is to keep the invitations flowing and the expectations low. All families have relatives like this. Its hard to understand why someone who loves your kid would want to miss out on the special things. We have two sets of relatives that do this. Their lives are all about them. They call and make plans and then leave you sitting there waiting. When you finally call to find out where they are, they say that something came up and plans changed, but they never bothered to let you know. We are at the point now where we offer the invite, but don't tell my kids that they are coming until they are literally standing in the driveway. So, we ALWAYS have a plan B.

Good luck
M.

I don't know how old your mother in law is. Some grandmothers just don't relate well to infants and get along better once the child is older. Maybe she has an active life and she's just not into grandchildren right now. Keep the lines of communication open, and don't stress about it. Either she'll become more involved or she won't.

I think the only way to deal with this is to accept it. My in-laws keep telling us they don't have enough vacation time and that the gas to get here is too much, but they take several other smaller trips each month and take a cruise every year, and when we go visit them, they take us everywhere-they won't listen to the kids' needs for food or naptimes (or ours)-and they don't care about the cost. They just don't want to come to us. They even came up several Mother's Days, and we made plans with them, and they cancelled at the last minute to go be alone. This was after coming up for a week (every year for 3 years) and spending only 2-3 hours a day with us (to VA from FL). Who wants to be alone on Mother's Day instead of spending it with her family? Well, my mother-in-law does. That's just who she is/how she is. Even when they come, they spend 2-3 days with us, and 3-4 coming and going each way-little vacations on the way to and home from a vacation. It's just their way. I don't get it-everyone in my family, including my extended family, uses vacation time first to visit family, and then to go on other trips, but we always make sure we see family. They just don't. It's not who they are. Don't let yourself get bitter b/c of who your MIL is. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you and your daughter, but she's just not big on spending time together. I know it sounds kind of contradictory, but I'm sure to her it's not. My MIL is always sad that she can't spend more time with us, and is jealous that my parents live only 20 minutes away so they can see us all the time (they don't, but we do get together for a couple hours a week usually). In her mind, she doesn't have the time to come visit. Or the money. I know the 10 day cruises cost more though, and take up more time, but that's her choice. I can't do anything about it. They even planned one the same month as my daughter's birthday and missed her first birthday party b/c of it. I know some people would say "Yeah, but they live so far away" but they have all the resources to come visit (which we don't have), they just choose not to. But I can't be bitter b/c they dont' see family the way I do. I don't know what type of homes they were raised in. (Actually, I do know a little, but my FIL still baffles me b/c he's not like his 2 siblings that I've met at all.) I know this was a lot about me, but I just wanted to show that it doesn't always make sense, and the thing to do is keep talking to her, make plans, ask about babysitting, but don't expect a change. Try to do what you can to have her involved in your daughter's life, but realize that she's only going to be as involved as she really wants to be. It's up to her if she makes time or comes up with excuses. And being bitter about a MIL isn't good...my mom was that way, and I always felt like I had to not say how much fun I had with Gramma, and felt guilty for having so much fun with my Gramma, or else she'd be mad at me, and I didn't understand the reasons my mom was upset (I knew them, but I didn't think they were a big deal). I think this is something you just have to take as it comes, and then let it go. I determined that I wouldn't let my kids feel guilty about enjoying time with my in-laws the way I did, and it meant I could acknowledge the contradictions, but I also had to realize that's just who they are, and they won't change, and I know if I say something it will cause a problem. So I let it go. They love me, I love them, they love the kids, and the kids love them. So what does it really matter?

Sounds like you are trying to involve her - and there's no telling why she is acting like this....but if I were you I would count my lucky stars my MIL was not meddling in my business. If she doesn't want to help because of traffic or whatever else excuse she can make, then just don't rely on her - come up with other options...and if you invite her to family functions and she doesn't show up - her loss - just shrug it off. If she wants to spend time with her, she will come no matter what other family is around and you did your part in inviting her. I wouldn't worry about it - she either will get a grip and deal with it, or not - but either way you are doing nothing wrong and can't change her ways on your own.

welcome to the wonderful world of passive aggressive behavior. because thats exactly what your monster in law is doing. she tells you she is going to be there, you change your plans for her and then she never shows up..
what to about this... simple... nothing. the next time she
says she is coming over, leave. dont bother to tell her you wont be there . because quite frankly shes not going to be there either, so the point is mute. now chances are good, she will complain loudly about you not being there waiting for her on the rare chance that she might actually show up.dont bother to play into that drama because she is only doing to make herself feel important tell her that if she wants a hobby, get a dog and if you have a cellphone,
change the number to something she doesnt have. dont make time for her and eventually she will get tired of whining and go bother someone else . been there, done that
K. h.

You're right, that does seem odd. What does your husband think it is? How does your MIL interact with your husband by himself and when he's with your daughter?

I hope you can get to the bottom of this, even if it takes some time. Best wishes.

From what I can tell seems to me your the one trying to get her to come around. Just leave her alone and let her come around in her own time. Although I'm sure you would want her to be a significant person in your daughters life she may not be wired the way you want her to. I am sure without a doubt my Mother loves, loves, loves me but for whatever reason she doesn't spend time with my Son unless I come over and it's rare that she'll come and get him but I'm sure she loves him too. I just think she's done with children and I'm not angry about it. Don't waste your energy on being bitter it's a total waste of your time.

hi! Stephanie,

Count your blessings, its a good thing that MIL does not want to interact with you or your family. Take up the opportunity when it arrives, let her be alone with your daughter and go have fun, while MIL is with her grand kid.
I was in a situation where my MIL always wanted to be with me and my husband would force me to be with here and then get on my nerves with her slight remarks. So, I think you are lucky, the less interaction the better and you will always be your child's mother, no one can take that away from you.
Mean while just enjoy your baby. They don't always stay small and time really flies.

J.

welcome to my world. My MIL has been like this since my daughter was born (6 yrs ago) and she lives in town. She complains behind my back that she doesn't get to spend time with my daughter (apparently my son is not a concern) but then when we try to pin her down, it is always and excuse, I'm tired, or I can't leave grandpa, or some other excuse. It gets worse as the kids get older. My daughter begged her to stay and play the other day and she told her maybe next day off of school which is this week. But she is babysitting another grandchild and can't do it. The strange thing is she is very into her other grandkids, just not mine. I gave up a while ago on this one and just realized that she doesn't want to care for my kids by themselves and I don't expect anything. I doubt that it is you that is her problem, it is probably spending time alone with the child that is the problem for her. If it bothers you, have your husband say something, but I doubt it will change anything.

It sounds like from the last line that there are issues between your MIL and yourself and you think she is avoiding your child to avoid you. That stinks, but that is her right.

If you think it might help arrange a meeting with MIL without your child, perhaps over coffee and discuss the issue. However, keep it civil. Don't let the child become a pawn in an existing dispute.

Have you tried discussing this with your husband? Are there other grandchildren involved? And if so has does she act around them? Your husband knows his mom best. Maybe he should sit down and talk to her and explain the behavior he's been noticing when it comes to his daughter. From your message it seems like you are the only one trying to make an effort. Your husband needs to speak to his mom to get a better understanding of what really is going on. I hope you everything works out for you. You or your daughter don't want to grow resenting her.