Mommy on Her Own

No--not selfish.
I'm a very independent person.
My husband travels a fair amount.
I would be wondering if the salary is worth missing his son's life and "little" years so much though.
Any chance of a more reasonable, local job?

Okay, you know the rotation is 28 days on and off. What can you do for yourself in the 28 days that he is away? Can you take classes, join a women's group, exercise, Mom's day out? Try filling up the empty space and creating a life for you and the little one.

I say this because as a retired military wife there were many days, months and a year that I was by msyelf with child, house, car/truck, lawn, dog and job to keep together. It was hard but it was something that had to be done. This was before Skype and internet. MARS was the only way I could hear him when in was in Thailand. Find a few people who you can lean on and become friends with them.

It is hard and you kind of have to remind hubby not to be "The Cat in the Cradle" kind of a dad.

Keep your chin up. It will all work out. Ask hubby what his goals are so that you have an idea when this long distance work situation will end.

The other S.

I have to agree with the moms who say he needs to look for work locally. If it's a military situation and he has no choice then at least you have a time limit. If the job is a choice then it could be a different one. The three of you are a family and this is no way to be a family. All the 6 figure jobs in the world won't make up for his missing out. (Or losing out entirely if things progress too long?) I'm all for a great work ethic in a man, but a 3 year old doesn't need to learn about it at his own expense. And neither do you. Who on his death bed ever wished he had spent more time at the office? I'm a whole lot older than you and I just had this conversation with my ex-husband. I think he gets it now.

It is not selfish. Look for a support group to find other moms in a similar situation.

Take this to heart. At least you know he is coming home. My SO died while I was pregnant with our daughter. They never met and I never got a break.

My dad was military (over 30 years)... And so gone an average of at least 6mo a year. We are all INCREDIABLY close. And this was long before cheap long distance or Skype scanners email etc. Yes, he missed a lot, but to US it was no big deal. Because he loved us and loved our mom. :) :) :) I have one of the best dads in the whole world. My mum was probably sad from time to time, but we never knew it. She talked about him every day, and when she spoke of him (oh your dad would love that! Did you know your dad used to do xyz when he was a kid, too? Whoops you forgot your dad's mustache on the drawing love! Let's have the xyz your daddy hates and thinks is yucky yucky yucky for dinner!) she was always smiling and laughing and upbeat. So from a KIDS perspective, if you're happy we/they learn to be. And we/they learn that separation doesn't = distance. You can still be close thousands of miles away.

That said... Silly goose! Of course it's not selfish to cry or feel lonely! <grin> Human. Better to do it away from kids (kids take their cues from us... If we're a mess, then they fall apart, too. First with us and then all on their own), but yah. It's going to happen. May as well not add a ton of guilt on top.

I mean, if it's interfering with your lives, or you cant stop being a mess around your kids so theyre miserable and only feel bad things when they think of their dad, then change something. But the occasional good cry? No worries

Of course it's not selfish to cry! You are in a very emotionally exhausting situation that I can't even imagine being in. You must be one strong woman to have been living like this for as long as you have!

One of the hardest things about being a mom is seeing our babies hurt. I think it hurts *us* more than them most of the time. Do you have any family or friends you could lean on for support?

3 years is still too young to really understand the sacrifices you and your husband are making to provide for your son. Mostly he just misses his daddy when he's gone - which is totally understandable.

My best advice would be to try and keep your son (and yourself!) as busy as possible when dad's not around, and spend as much quality time together - as a couple AND a family - when dad is home. I think it will get a little easier with time as your son grows up.

I wish you all the best!!

Keep looking towards the future. Husband is working hard for a future goal for his family. When he's home, hopefully he makes up for lost time. Men are programmed to provide, sounds like you have a good, hardworking husband that takes it serious. This is just a little hiccup compared to the BIG picture. Be a strong wife and take care of things while Husband is doing his thing. It's a team effort to keep it successful so it will all pan out in the future. No one said it was gonna be easy, it never is.
Keep your chin up Mom. Make sure you have a webcam so you all can stay in touch when he's gone for those lengthy periods of time.

Material "things" like clothes and toys are no substitute for a father who is present. Especially if the father can make a choice to take a lower paying job, and you guys can make some financial sacrifices to be together as a family. Unless there literally does not exist another job in the whole entire world that your husband could work, your husband has abandoned you as a wife and has abandoned his child in the name of finances is what it sounds like. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I was that child and it was a very awful emotional existence for us (my brother and I).
We lived the "high life" with fancy clothes and cars, and lived in a huge house in a wealthy area, but lived without a father who was emotionally and physically there for us. And when he WAS home, getting back to reality was so shocking for him, that he would just completely snap for a couple weeks. My mom compensated by working as a flight attendant so she too, could avoid reality a few days a week, and avoid the fact that she did not have a husband who emotionally supported her.
My brother and I were to "be seen and not heard" most of the time. We got straight A's and went off to fine universities, and everyone thought we were just so wonderful. But inside we were miserable because we did not have parents who parented.
I would have traded it all in a heartbeat, lived in a tiny apartment, took public transportation, clothes from thrift stores, etc. to have had parents who took time to just be with us and invested in us as people, not as trophies.
I'm not saying that is YOUR situation, but obviously you aren't happy either. And neither is your son. My husband and I don't make a lot of money compared to most people where we live. We don't own a home. We live in an apartment. Sometimes we have to wait to buy groceries because our bank account is empty. Our kids don't get to go places that some other kids get to go to. But compared to the 95% of the world, we are doing pretty well. And most importantly, our choices have allowed my children to have their parents raise them and be there for them on a daily basis. Not everyone has that choice, but it sounds like you do, so I would encourage you to re-evaluate what your "needs" are and possibly make some changes before your kids grow up without a father and a happy mother.

I agree with the other moms. He needs to find a new job. It may not pay as much or be as glorious, but he'd be with his family! My husband is military, so I know what it is like to have my husband gone for months at a time. But I can always look forward to his return date. And, he usually has at least a year between deployments!

Of course its okay to cry and miss the love of your life! We all want to be taken care of in one way or another and a 3 yr old at home warrants it more often than not! That is a hard schedule even on the happiest of kids.

You can't change your's husband's work situation but you can give yourself some respite, like finding other moms in the same boat through a support group, or taking up a hobby and joing a group of club for that.

My heart and hugs go out to you.

It's not selfish to cry. Do it when you need to - hopefully in private so your son isn't distressed by seeing you distressed. I don't know if a three-year-old can understand the complexities of this.

What sorts of goals can you set for yourself to accomplish during the times that your husband is gone? It helps to be doing something with a good purpose. (Not that taking care of your son isn't a good purpose!)

My son is in the military and has been to the Middle East for three tours lasting from seven to thirteen months. My DIL has had to be on her own, too. She has learned how to be a very strong woman! She has also managed because she has a network of sympathetic friends to help her keep going (she helps them as well) - many of them military wives in the same situation, but also some civilian friends who have experienced a similar kind of separation. Is that something you can do?

It's not selfish. You are a single mom half the time. I was a full time single mom and can't tell you how badly I wished I had someone to bounce things off of or to just support me when I was implementing a punishment. The fact that you are crying because your son is so sad is empathy and that's always a good thing!

I don't think it's selfish to feel that way. It would be selfish to act on that feeling in a way that breaks up your marriage. Hang in there and maybe you and your husband can find a more workable solution to this tough problem.

Well that's a silly question dear! Of course it's not! Its only natural for you to get lonely and wish hubby were there! Just talk to your hubby about how you feel. Maybe there's a way that he can find local work instead of being so far away. It all depends on your situation and his job. But if it were me I'd rather be poor and have my hubby by my side. Just talk to him!

My husband is a Mechanical Engineer on an oil tanker. We met just after he graduated college and had gone on one work tour (110 days). I was divorced with 3 children and had been for over 6 years. When we began dating, he was home for the 90 day rotation and we spent oodles of time together. His rotations would vary anywhere from 60 - 90 days out and the same at home. We have been together for 8 years now, married for 4 with a 4 yr old little girl. In the beginning I would cry and cry but LOVED the romance of it all. the emails, phone calls, making plans for what we will do when he gets home....In years following, I still do have a period of 2-3 weeks where I get very "to myself" but have learned to appreciate my time as an independent woman. This may be because I was a "single mom" for many years in between marriages. My little girl does get "moody" when he leaves and even though she promises to talk to him on the phone, its generally a no go for her. She does love to Face Time. If you have skype and can get some time in with that, it's great for both of you. Also, have Daddy record some stories in his voice and every night or day listen and read together.....Ask Daddy to record some special words for you too that you can listen to when you need to feel close to him :)
I'm all over the place here so I apologize....what I find interesting and tell me if you have the same issue....about 1-2 weeks before he is set to leave, we seem to grow a little distant. Not completely but almost to "prepare" emotionally, then when he returns, for the first week or so it is an adjustment for all of us and in the first years we would almost always have a good argument about 2 weeks home. It was like I could set my watch to these.
I can say that now a days, we are hitting a great personal stride but it is difficult. It is an effort and it is a tougher job to be a strong, supportive wife to a man that is gone 50% of the time. We just got home from our annual conference and the wives all have the same issues and stories...we get a good laugh and it feels good to be understood. If you don't have others who understand what you go through, keep my contact here. I'm more than happy to lend an ear.

The best to you and just continue to explain to your little boy that this is what daddy does and it is sad to miss our loved ones but we are lucky to love them so much that we really do miss them.

~J.