Mommy Help...

It sounds like he is feeling the stress that you are. The finger sucking is how he is comforting himself. Try to figure out what is upsetting him and go from there. I sympathise with you on the frustration, but take it from me, you will do better by your children to get your frustration under control. Some children don't need naps, my daughter was one of them. Children's needs are constantly changing, just when you think you have it down, it changes. They are still developing physically and emotionally. For some reason he needs you to be with him when he naps or goes to bed. Maybe he feels that you are giving his time to his sister or that you love her more than him. It is not easy to understand the thinking of a child, but he is trying to tell you something, not frustrate you. Remember, in just a few short years he won't want you to snuggle with him or read a book to him. Before you know it all the hugs and kisses he used to give to you, he will be giving to his girl friend. If you are not part of a Mom's group, think about joining one. I didn't, but I sure wish I had. I wish you the best, and remember he is only four.

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If you are having a hard time controlling your anger, I urge you to PLEASE get help. Even if you don't physically damage them (I hate spanking, but I know what you mean - what else can you do with timeouts (including for myself) and other punishments. Please talk to your doctor. Having kids clicked some switches on me and now, after finally getting real help (although I'd seriously tried before), I am realizing (and being told) that no wonder I was depressed and overwhelmed. I won't go into all my challenges, but they're there. This person can also give you coping skills, which will help be a good role model.

Your 3 year old is probably outgrowing naps. We need it more than they do! I'd consider dropping them (except when ill) and putting in an earlier bedtime. That has really worked well for us. What is wrong with napping with him? I've always done it with my kids - an ahhhhhhh moment. On the finger sucking, he could be suffering with anxiety - the closeness of naptime and bedtime (more later) can help with that, along with you getting help (meds or no meds, but therapy can help and can be affordable with insurance) to avoid yelling or overreacting. I didn't know I was overreacting - it was all I knew! My therapist has put me on meds because mine is biological, but she shows me coping methods, too, which has helped. Plus, she's validated my feelings so I don't feel so wrong all the time!

Bedtime: Ours is pretty good, and I did this from the beginning. I lay with them to read the books as they lay on my shoulder. When young (as my little girl is), I then turn the light down and have them turn over. I rub their back (sometimes they fall asleep, either on my shoulder or they turn over) until they go to sleep. Then I leave. At this age, I'd still expect a nighttime visit, where you can carry him back to bed and lay with him for awhile.

My son is 8 now and after book reading, which at this age I do sitting at the foot of his bed, I can leave and he's in bed all night. As he got used to me walking him back to his room and laying with him, I started leaving after he went to sleep again (sometimes I did, too). Then, I slowly changed so that I left as he was near sleep, kissing him gently. Then I was able to leave right after I returned him to bed, usually with a bribery that if he stayed there he'd get a reward the next day.

What I didn't know at the time is that he actually was ADHD, which can keep him awake. I now give chocolate with melatonin in it to the kids, with the Dr. approval. I get mine directly from a place called Dreamerz and give each a half of a choc. bar. It helps.

Try a reward, rather than a punishment system and soft, mild music at bedtime during prep time. Putting a positive on bedtime will help all of you, over time, get more sleep.

Good luck to you. Wish it hadn't taken me this long to finally get validation and true help. My parents yelled, punished and belittled all the time and it's left scars, plus not knowing otherwise. I swore I wouldn't be like that, which, besides the fact I felt horrible all the time, pushed me to push for help.

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I would recommend giving yourself a time out when you become too frustrated. That is what I do. I go in my room and lock the door for about 5 minutes and calm myself down to where I can think again. I have a 2 year old and a 8 year old. I would say instead of nap time, tell him he has to have some quiet time no matter if he sleeps or plays in his room. Sometimes they just think they are going to miss out on something. My 2 year old takes 1 nap a day for 2 hours. He fusses about going upstairs to take it, but once his pull-up is changed and he is in bed, he just falls to sleep and is in a better mood when he wakes. Just stay with a routine and tell him he has to have quiet time. If he gets up, you have to put him back in his room and say, It is quiet time, if you come out again, you will have to take a nap. Just stay consistent with it and he will get better.

D. P

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instead of nap time try quiet time. he has to stay in a designated place for a set amount of time. no talking ( singing queitly is ok) . set a timer and when it goes off he can come back out. tellhim mommy is tired and she needs queit time. eventually they fall asleep.

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Have you read "123 Magic"? It's a wonderful book. We put it into place when our daughter was almost 2 and it really is like magic. Some people say it doesn't work for them, but I highly doubt those people actually read the book and follow the number one rule "no yelling." If you get angry or start to argue back with your child instead of counting, you throw all that counting out the window. It's really a wonderful reference. When our daughter starts something new (a new "bad" behavior), we refer to the book. It covers anything from talking back to bedtime to mealtime to hitting.
Also, it sounds like your son is entering a new stage in his development. So this is the time to start with new discipline. It sounds like the old way of doing things just aren't working anymore. Parents need to adapt as their children grow.
And as moms, I think we all go through stages where our anger gets worse. Today, for instance, I sent the kids to their room for really no reason except I was getting angry with them for no real reason and they are sometimes better off in their rooms for 5 minutes than having to deal with me yelling!
Good luck. It's hard having 2 sometimes, especially when the first one is acting up!

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Oh my, I can feel your pain! I have a 3.5 year old and a 6 month old and there were times when the baby was first born that I was really angry with my oldest too. I had to take my own time outs. I think though that it was all seperation anxiety, and he was having his own issues with the baby. Here he had been the only one for 3 years, and we basically rocked his world. I would cry at times, I wanted to know where my little boy had gone, I really thought I had seen the devil in my child! When the baby turned three months he got better. The baby is just fasinated by him, and now he is interested in the baby, says that he loves his brother..etc.
I think if you can be patient, and I do know that is hard...that he will come around. The other thing that helped was to spend solo time with him. He needed his own time from both my husband and I. When their behavior changes dramatically, it isn't just age, it's a message to you and since they don't fully communicate their feelings they need you to do it for them. You can literally put into words the feelings you think he is having. "I know you must be upset because now mommy has to spend time with your sister too."
Good luck! I am glad you wrote in, it is always good to hear that others have been there too!
Oh, also, when my son wouldn't take a nap I would put on a cd and tell him that he could rest but that he had to stay on his bed until the cd was over. This way you still get a break.
K.

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I sooo hear you! I love naptime but around 3 years old my kids did not. I just switched to "quiet time" for one hour and with out the pressure of making sure they fell asleep, we all did better. My two older kids who are now 9 & 7 will still get quiet time on weekends or in the summer if I feel like they need it or if I feel like I need them to :) Oh, and now his bedtime can be earlier which will be nice for you and your husband (he should be getting at least 12 hours of sleep at night).

Regarding your temper issues....I am a big reader and I have a lot of disciple/child rearing books but the one I am loving right now is called 1 2 3 Magic. I got it on Amazon for like $3. It has helped with everyone's temper around my house!

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Firstly - I completely sympathize as I went through the same frustrations. As far as naps/bedtime....turning the doorknob/lock around on their door was my lifesaver. If it's locked, they can't get out. I only did this until they fell asleep, so they could still get up to use the bathroom. We put up a baby gate in the hall (just past their bathroom) so they couldn't sneak past that point at night.

It sounds like you need some YOU time too - so you can unwind and decommpress. Have hubby watch the kids so you can take a walk at night by yourself. Also, supplementing with Omega 3's and B complex vitamin really helped me feel less stressed.
If you can, nap when the kids do - even just 30 min does wonders!

Best,
C.

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Hi J.. You've received some great advice from the other mommies. I, too, had serious anger issues toward my three year-old concerning naps and sleep. I felt very out of control and was full of self-loathing. I needed to change my behavior before it became ugly. I found help in three books: "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", "One, Two, Three Magic!" and "How to Behave so your Preschooler Will, Too". I know you are terribly busy with a toddler and a baby but if you can find some time to yourself, read the "How to Behave" book first (and get your husband to read it, too). Since we implemented the plan in the book, my son and I are doing SO MUCH better. I am a better mommy and the whole family is sleeping better! Please remember that your son is going through a stage...and there will be lots of them. By understanding his development you will feel much better about what he/you/the family is going through. Congratulations for reaching-out. You are not alone.

L.

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I've been there, too! I finally had to stop the afternoon naps and make bedtime early - 6:45 - 7:00 pm. It was tough at first. But, bedtime was never a struggle again. She's so exhausted and ready, that she never comes out. She sleeps 12 hours straight. Just try it. Use the afternoon for quiet time, video, playdates etc. I also read the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It was so helpful. Good Luck.

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Hi J. -

As long as your son sees and feels you getting all "frazzled" he will continue his behavior because he is getting a response from you. Do you like tea? Try making a cup of Chamomile, Lavender, Lemon Balm or other relaxing herbal tea and have him sit next to you while you drink your tea and read him his book. Let him take a few sips from your tea. It won't hurt him and it will calm him (and you) down. If he asks why you are drinking the tea, tell him it helps you to feel good inside and then ask him if he wants to feel good too.

You didn't say how old your little girl is. Is there any relationship between the birth of his little sister and his behavior? I'm feeling that he might just be wanting more mommy time. About the naps, at that age, they don't want to miss anything. I used to tell my sons - now 15 & 16 - that they didn't have to take a nap, but they had to lay down on their pillows, on the carpet or mat, and watch a video or cartoon. It didn't take them long before they were both sleeping and I didn't have the stress or arguments getting them down.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger, HHP
Certified Herbalist
Certified Life Coach

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J.: It sounds to me like you need some mommy time, and you resent your son for not
taking the nap and giving it to you. I have three kids. The second and third are 15 mos. apart. I made a lot of mistakes going directly to the baby everytime it fussed. It is ok to let the baby cry a minute and finish up what you are doing with your 3 year old. If the baby is fed and changed my mom always says it's ok. I don't mean if they are screaming, but sometimes if they cry a minute or two they learn to comfort themselves.

I would make individual time with your 3 year old. I think they do feel really jealous at this age. I know mine did. Your oldest is used to being the center of attention. I would do like the one mom suggested and tell him to stay on his bed for a set period of time (show him you are setting a timer so he knows you won't make him stay longer) then leave him and trust him. I got into too many power struggles with my second child, you don't want to do that. You want him to know you have control of your emotions and him, he can't handle that much power.

If putting him in bed doesn't work, another option is to do blanket time. You give him a set amount of toys (usually manipulative ones where he has to put together - legos, etc) and tell him to stay on the blanket in his room until the timer goes off. Let him know he is allowed to play but to stay on his blanket. You can even make a game of it, and praise him well when he stays (it takes a few tries, but my kids eventually learned to love blanket/room time). I think we are on the go too much and our kids feel the stress, having room time allows them time to be alone, and unwind.

Take control of bedtime back by telling him what you want and expect. I know when I say stuff on a more positive note (even if it's still letting my kids know I want them to do something it works) Here's an example; I've turned into quite a nag with my teen about picking up, cleaning their rooms. I don't know what the problem is but teenagers seems to have forgotten how to clean. The other day my child had a pile of clothes on the chair. I said, "I know that soon you are going to start picking up after yourself again. I am trusting you will." She blew me away when she said, thanks mom for trusting me. The next morning she picked up her pile. The thing I'm learning is we can't control and force our kids to do things. Why not ask them nicely and trust they will do it?? This is taking me a long time to get, and I am sure I will be working on it a long time. Tell your 3 year old I am sure you are going to do the right thing and try to get a good rest because it is healthy or good for you, and mommy loves you so much and wants you to stay healthy so we can have more playtime when you get up. Put it in your own words though. The thing I believe is we often think they don't understand when they understand all too well. He is (maybe not even knowing it, but manipulating you for your attention. Kids want attention if they can't get positive attention they will take the negative.

About getting the help you need, I would find a counselor or a friend you can talk to that can help you unwind. You may be parenting the way you were parented or out of frustration. We all do it at times, but if you continue to feel anger toward your son, please get help.

I think we need to watch our tone and body language too, kids are huge on this. They pick up our stress too much.

One more thing, the room/blanket time is from a class I went to called "Growing Kids God's Way." There is some really good advice in there. Gary and Marie Ezzo are the authors - he also did Baby Wise.

Take care and God Bless,
K.

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My son will be three in December we have a tall baby gate in his doorway that he can't climb. He stays in his room when we tell him to take a nap or go to bed without a problem. He doesn't always sleep, but it does give me "me time" or more time with our ten week old baby. It's good for my sanity after dealing with him and his sister all morning :-)

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My daughter was 3 when she stopped taking naps and we would have the quiet time instead. Or, since she rarely ever watched tv, we'd pop in a movie for quiet time and that really would make her sit still since it was only once a day. I was a preschool teacher for 4 years, for 2 year olds. Some of them would not take naps, and at first I would panic, because the other 14 kids needed their sleep! But, I learned that quiet time is just as fine as sleeping, and I'd give them little toys that require full-thought to use (manipluation toys like puzzles, links, stackers, big-legos, lace up cards, etc) or books and puppets. If they were quiet and let the others sleep, they would get stickers.

You've gotten a lot of good advice, and I'd like to add that a book called Love And Logic, would help with how to not let your kids manipulate you or get you frustrated. Just google it and their site pops up, everything is very affordable too. It also has many, many tips that target specific issues like bedtime, naps, lashing out, not cleaning up, bath time and other issues for each age group... And they also give you ideas on what to say to your kids when they act up, so that it's positive and loving instead of sounding mean or desperate - which kids feed off of because they see you getting upset, and they may realize that they're the cause of it, and even though it's negative attention, they'd still just want any.

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Hi J., It sounds like you're really frustrated and needing some time for you. Avoid the spanking trap, especially because it sounds like you're spanking out of your own anger and that can easily get out of hand, not to mention being ineffective to start with. Get into a parenting class to learn some new "tricks" and get support from a group of parents and teachers. Join or start a play group so you've got some grown-up company and your son has someone to play with. His behavior sounds perfectly normal for a 3 year old. Be gentle with yourself, but be honest and realistic too... you are the adult and are more capable of altering your behavior. Let the steam off some where else before you damage your relationship with your son and create a pattern that will be very hard to break.

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My kids were not nappers. I felt like I needed the nap for my sanity more than they did for sleep. But getting them to nap drove me insane too. Then it was over before I actually had time to relax. I just gave up nap time and the fights that went with it. They would get cranky around 6:30 at night because they were sooo tired, but bed time was around 7:00 and they fell right asleep. Then I got a chance to rest.

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When my daughter turned three the naps starting becoming a huge pain. When I did finally get her to go to sleep, then her bedtime started to be a pain and she had always slept well before. I decided that since she wasn't grumpy in the evening she didn't really need a nap. Then all that fustration over sleep is gone... I still put her in her room for a "quiet time" and sometimes she will sleep. Without the pressure of forcing her to sleep I have been in a much better mood. If he goes without a nap and is still a happy child, then it's time to think about letting that go.

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I know my kids stopped taking naps around 2, 2 1/2. Maybe he doesn't need a nap anymore and would sleep better at night without one. I don't think spanking really helps. Tell him you will take away his_____ ( stuffed animal, favorite toy, etc.) if he misbehaves, and carry through with your intentions. This way he will learn that you really mean what you say a lot quicker.

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The biggest clue in your em is "bored". Have you been teaching him letters, numbers, etc.? I dealt with several very intelligent children in my day care, kids that almost ended up on ridilin which they did not need. By the age of 3, my kids were adding and subtracting (simpled problems), could count to 50 or more and had many other skills. Guess what? Their bordeom ended. Kids are smarter than people think. Try it. Good luck!

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WOW! You've gotten so much good advice! Congratulations on your new baby!

I totally feel like you are parallel to my life! OMGoodness my son is exactly the same way - and; yes, I almost feel as if something is wrong with me because I feel upset.

The only other added thing to the mix that my son does is "cry" about EVERYTHING, ALL the time!

Has anything improved?

If you ever need to compare notes let me know. My email is ____@____.com

Good luck! I hope you start to feel better.

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My now 3 yo quit napping when we took the binks away, but he also understands that when his almost 2yo brother naps, he needs to be quiet and I need to get stuff done around the house and not entertain. I like the blanket idea, but this is also a good time like other people suggested to have a movie or a 30 min tv show recorded for them. It's usually around 2-3 when my head starts to explode with his behavior, but it's much better when he quit in the beginning.

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It sounds like you need some Calmazon - it is an herbal blend that calms physical and emotional tension. Maybe if you were less upset about things they would work themselves out. Let me know if you want more info or a web link where you can get some.

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I can relate in a lot of ways! My 3-year-old son is extremely strong-willed. One thing that helped me SO much is to take the control back from him. For us, it is critical to keep our emotions out of it as much as possible (I know this is harder than it sounds, but it's much easier if you can just set your mind to it and don't give in). We started our "reform" by taking toys away whenever he did not do what we asked, or when he was being mean and not listening. This got his attention really quickly! In the beginning, we would end up with dozens of toys piled on top of the fridge before he would give in, all the while he'd be screaming and crying (and we calmly tell him, if you don't want toys taken away, then do what we ask). He would earn his toys back by being nice and doing what he was asked (but never sooner than the next day). We found that with his extreme will and strong personality, when we showed anger toward him, he would just get angrier and more defiant. Of course, we are nowhere near perfect in how we parent him, and we still have good days and bad days, but I can't even express to you how much easier it is and how much happier he is now that we took the control and kept anger (on our part) out of the equation. I know every kid is different, but I hope this helps! I also have some good references (books) if you're interested let me know.

PS. I'm editing my response because I realized I didn't address your issue of naps. That is certainly a personal call and, again, every kid is different. My kids both stopped napping around 2 years old because they fought it so hard. If I had to do it over again, I would most likely have forced the issue at least until they turned 3, but who knows. But my comments about anger and taking control really transcend all aspects of parenting -- they just have to know that "mommy is the boss" and anger doesn't achieve that (believe me - I'm not being judgmental at all -- I have had my share of anger with my kids, and it's just something that I try to work on every day). Best of luck!
--S.

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I haven't had time the read all the responses you received, yet I know that you have probably gotten a lot of great ideas. This is a great forum of women! I did just want to add a bit of insight. Whenever you are angry, realize that the anger is coming from something inside you. Your child is just the vehicle that is bringing it forward. He is just being a 3yo boy. When what he does creates anger for you, it is because he is pushing some hot button for you. Perhaps it makes you feel incompetent as a mom, or hints at something from your childhood, or makes you feel unloved because if he loved you he wouldn't act this way, or some other personal thing. I don't know what the button is for you. But, I do know as a professional life coach, that when you are angry, it is because you have a button that is being pushed. I suggest giving yourself and him, a timeout in the moment so that you can come back and deal with the misbehavior at an appropriate response level. Then, I would follow up with some personal reflection to see what it is that comes up for you when he acts out because that is your job to take care of, not his.

Just a bit of advice and insight. I hope you can have a wonderful experience as you raise your beautiful children! They are the best gift ever! Good luck!

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J. I had the same problem with my 3 year old recently where he would really fight taking naps but would finally fall asleep and then we would have a miserable time getting him to go to bed. I started letting him not take a nap and all the problems have stopped. I make him sit down and relax and watch a movie or something so I still get that time to do what I need but I guess he just out grew naps. Sometimes I can tell he is tired so I make him lay down for a bit. Usually its like every other day or every couple days. But I never let him sleep longer than an hour or else we are back to fighting over bedtime. I know it is hard to not have them take naps but its better than being stress and frustrated to the point of spanking. Good Luck! I hope it all works out for the best!

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Hi J.,

Being a mommy, I understand, to young children can be very demanding, and gives you little time to yourself to recharge and stay sane! On that note, I'm going to have the nerve (because even reading is a luxury in this time) to ask that you check out a book called "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves," by Naomi Aldort -- subtitle: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy.

The author (a fellow mommy) is soothing and supportive in her wording, and helps us to gain perspective while in the midst of parenting.

Your mothering your children is a very precious gift and time really is fleeting. Finding a counselor and a mommy's group may well be the critical outlets you (and your children) desperately need in order to continue loving and being with one another, with no regret at the end of the day, not to mention when we're old and grey:)

Please take good care of yourself, so that you can take good care of your kiddos.

J.

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He might be seeking attention. Because you have a new baby, you might be unintentionally giving him less one-on-one time than he was accustomed to before he had a sibling. I know how hard that is and I'm not judging at all. My sons are only 13 months apart and I'll admit that for a period of time when the second was born and I was breastfeeding, I didn't give my older son as much attention as he needed. I wasn't neglectful in any way, but sometimes it's hard to manage your time between caring for the new baby and having focused playtime with the older one. Your son might just be acting out as a way to get that extra time with you. Whether it's positive or negative, he's still getting attention. Maybe try to set aside some time when you can focus on your son. Can someone watch the baby for a few hours so you and your husband can take your son for a special "big brother" outing? It might help.

The nap refusal is pretty standard at this age from what I understand. My oldest is 2 and he's refusing naps even when he's visibly exhausted. I had to decide a naptime and stick to it. I feed my kids lunch, change diapers, and put them in their beds in a roughly set timeframe. My 2 yo almost always screams when I put him in his bed but I know he's tired and after 5-10 minutes he goes to sleep. When he gets up, he's in a much better mood.

Since he's at an eager age, you could also have your son do small tasks to help with the baby and give him lots of praise and encouragement when he does. I'm constantly praising my boys even for small things. You could say something like, "That was so nice how you brought the toy to your sister. You're such a good helper!" I usually follow the praise with a hug or a kiss on the forehead which always makes my kids smile. Positive reinforcement will make your son feel good about himself and it will help him feel more secure.

There are always going to be days you want to rip your hair out because the stress builds with each tantrum or misbehavior. I try to stay calm and if I feel myself getting to a breaking point, I just leave the room for a minute. I hope this helps!

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There is so much good advice here.....but one more thing......Scottsdale Bible Church has a moms bible study that is soooooo wonderful. We all lean on each other. Check it out.

J., I can really sympathize. My daughter turns three in January. She back talks like a teenager. I really hate to say this, but he may be out growing naps. See if you can get him to just have some quiet time instead (maybe coloring). Don't EVER lay down with him he knows how to push your buttons. He has you jumping through hoops. At bed time do your bedtime routine. put him in bed give him his kisses and hugs, drinks or whatever he needs at bedtime. tell him goodnight. Do NOT run in there every time he calls. When he gets out of bed, don't look at him or talk to him, just put him right back in. It may take a few days but he will figure out that you are in charge and that he needs to stay in bed.
E.