MIL Smoking Issue

Hello, tough one! But definitely needs to be addressed with her. And, like other posters have said, I'd have my husband handle it. This is from the BabyCenter:

"In fact, we found elevated levels of toxins in homes where smokers only lit up outside. Smokers spread contaminants wherever they go — they seep out of their clothes, skin, hair, and breath. For this reason, smokers should wear clean clothes (that they haven't worn while smoking) around the baby, wash their hands and face often (especially after smoking), and not let the baby suck on their fingers."

http://www.babycenter.com/404_how-can-i-protect-my-baby-w...

Very best of luck and congratulations, L.!

Same issue with my MIL. We told her that she cannot smoke prior to holding the baby. Simple as that. Same with her perfume, which she uses - in excess - to cover the smoky smell. Just say do not smoke prior to visiting with the baby. I'm a former smoker (quit the day I found out I was pregnant and my daughter is now 7 months), so I'm not a psycho anti-smoking person or anything, but to me, smoking is a choice that someone makes and it's inappropriate to inflict that choice on others. If she can't respect those wishes, then she just won't get to see her grandchild.

L.,

We all have asthma in our house and my husband is a smoker!!!! He promised to quit when I had the baby and he never did, so he smokes outside. EVERY doctor visit I go to they ask, is there a smoker in the house and I tell them he smokes, but outside...and I get a lecture.

Doctors tell me smoke on the clothes can cause second hand smoke issues and have been the cause of some lung cancer, COPD, etc.

The problem is, they have to want to quit smoking before anything will be effective on them such as, hypnosis, patches, gum, etc. I make my husband change his clothes when I smell that strong reek of smoke, but it is still on his skin and it stinks. The truth is, all my requests are ignored and he has never tried to quit.

I guess it is something I don't understand because I don't smoke and something he doesn't understand because he doesn't want to.

Hi L.!

My mother is a heavy smoker and this was also an issue when my daugther was born. I kept a coat for her to wear when she went outside to smoke and had her remove it before coming in. I also made sure she washed her hands thoroughly before touching the baby again. I DO expect her to do this everytime she's over because that is the rule. She loves her grand-daughter so much that she does it. No questions asked. Good luck! And Congrats!!!

Hello L.,

Be Gentle, Be firm and most of all.... let her be a Grandmother. But don't tolerate her smoking habit.

My FIL was a smoker... washed his hands before holding our newborn son. I was in the hospital at the time and asked the nurse to take the baby from him!! Since then, my fIL
quit smoking. He loves our sons and smells great! (LOL!) Yes, he was hurt and offended, but eventually he got the message loud and clear. He wanted to hold the baby and play with the baby and we required him to stop smoking. He is the best Grandpa ever!!

You are very valid in your request to have a healthy child. Mostly, you would like a healthy Grandma too. Discuss your concerns with her and let her know that your baby is needs a healthy start. Ask her to wash hands, change clothes, etc. and when she realizes that it's just plain exhausting preparing herself to hold her grandchild, that maybe she will quit!!

Let her know that she is always welcome around your baby. Denying Grandma is fighting words and you will never recover. Instead, focus on health and your worries.
Soon, MIL will understand that it is her habit and not her Grandmothering skills that bothers you.

I think if you print out the article Lee Lee S referred to and have your husband give that to your MIL and just ask her very respectfully to please help you guys with this issue, she will probably be inclined to do what you ask. Hopefully he can emphasize that you both want the baby and your MIL to be close but that you feel this is a valid health concern due to your personal history and you just can't take any chances.

Good luck, MIL stuff is so challenging sometimes! Happy Holidays,

A.

I would not allow the baby in her home, and I would insist that she not smoke before visiting you or go outside to smoke during the visit - for you and the baby. Go out and buy her some comfy sweats or jeans and tshirts that she can change onto when she comes to visit......keep them at your house for her. Your child is now your first priority. To be blunt, your baby - your rules.

I would feel the same way. Your baby's health is the most important thing. I would just set the expectations in a nice way and make sure she follows the "rule" every time. If she breaks your rule one time make sure you say something right away...if you keep sweeping it under the rug it will make for a big confrontation which won't be fun. We all know 2nd hand smoke is very unhealthy!!! You are a good momma protecting your baby from it.

Hi there --
I have not yet read any of the other responses.
First, I want to commend you on being especially careful about your baby's health and safety. I really enjoyed reading about the various choices -- homemade baby food, etc. -- you are making.
NO. YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING.
It has been my experience -- with my own allergies, asthma, chemical sensitivities -- that, even after careful/reasonable explanations, smokers have totally no comprehension about how difficult/painful it can be for us (people like me) to be around them . . . even when they are not holding a lit cigarette.
So . . . depending on your MIL's personality/defensiveness,
you may have a difficult challenge facing you.
The fact that your hubby has allergies . . . . sighhhh.
One thing that some of us do is have a rule in the house that everybody always washes his or her hands upon entering the house from outside. No exceptions.
I love the hospital gown remedy.
Great thinking!
Some of us have indoor shoes and outdoor shoes.
We change shoes when entering and leaving the house.
Maybe you could have something -- ?? coveralls? --
for people entering and leaving the house.
I have a lot of sympathy and comprehension about what you are describing here. I'm concerned that some people won't understand how serious this is.
GOOD LUCK!!
S.

================================

Well gosh . . . . I have just read the other responses.
Sighhh . . . .

Not necessarily in order of importance,

clearly the folks w/the strongest negative responses
did NOT read your explicit statements:
- you live in the desert
- you were in the hospital as an infant
- your child has TWO parents with allergies

If they had read, and understood, those things,
How in heaven's name could they have written so cavalierly?
How could they demonstrate such stubborn ignorance . . .
bringing bad statistics and faulty conclusions
to attempt to dissuade you from your sincere concerns?

As for the middle-of-the-road answers . . . .
how very fortunate they are.
They were OK so they think everyone should be OK.
They are blessed; nothing as serious as what you are describing and are concerned about has ever happened to them or their loved ones so, sadly, they are unable to identify with or comprehend how painful and life-threatening your situation is.

The responders who understood -- bless 'em!
It's always good when we find people who understand and offer encouragement and helpful suggestions.

I know I've written far too much here.
But I reacted strongly to your request and your situation.
And I reacted with a great deal of anger and hostility to a couple of the responders' remarks.

S.
who'd love to educate certain people about asthma
not with lectures but with real-life, real-time experiments.

My heart goes out to you L.. I had the same situation with my FIL. I agree that most smokers are extremely sensitive about thier habit and talking with my FIL wasn't easy for me but for the health of my baby I had to do it. Thankfully he agreed to wash up and change his shirt before holding the baby.
I think it's crazy when people comment "my grand/parents smoked and I survived." That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Our grandparents also didn't use car seats and most of us survived but it doesn't mean it's acceptable. They didn't have the info we have now. And I don't just want my baby to survive...I want her to be healthy! It's a proven fact that SIDS cases are higher in families who have a smoker in the house. Believe me, it's NOT okay for your baby to be exposed to it. Do what you have to do mama...follow your instincts and don't let anyone make you feel guilty or over protective for wanting the best for your baby.

Hi L., I too think that it is a serious issue. Babies lungs are not fully developed when they are born. In fact, the lungs don't fully develop for 3 years!! I think you are correct for wanting to exercise caution with your fragile baby's health. Does your MIL know about your own health issues, the allergy and the damage you suffered as an infant? Do you know if she is aware of the damage that the residue can cause? Many people arent- most people just think of the actual smoke. I explain it to people from the view of the chemical process, that if you can smell something, then it is because you are inhaling particles or molecules of the substance, and that once you inhale it, it is getting absorbed through the mucus membrane of your nostrils into your blood stream. And just look at the size and weight of the baby and consider how fragile he really is, how much she is inhaling or absorbing through her skin and the relative weight of that to her entire store of blood. That is a lot of toxic element for such a small person to have to process.
SO, all that said, have you ever sat down and had a real conversation with her about it? Tell her about your own health issues (or remind her if she already knows) and maybe bring to the table some legitimate source of info that explains the potentially ill effects of the residue and also info about lung development in infants.
These real life circumstances might be enough to help convince her that she will be doing the best thing for everyone in her family if she were to not expose them to these toxic elements.
My son's father smoked, outside. bt then he would come in and want to hold the baby. He thought that washing his hands was enough. Until I explained to him what it means that i can smell the smoke coming off his hair and his skin and his clothes and what that was doing to our son. I insisted that if he wanted to be in the same room with the baby- let alone actually hold him -that he was going to have to shower and change his clothes after smoking before doing so. It is NOT too much to ask. You are your child's mother, and you know what is best for him, and it is your primary responsibility to protect him, just as you protected him ever so carefully for almost a year inside your body!!
Just speak with your husband about it, and together discuss the best approach to bring it up to MIL, help her to view the situation the way you do. It will work out. She loves you all, remember that!
Best Wishes to you, and to your family! <3

Not the best situation but your baby will survive. My MIL smokes too and both my kids are fine (of course not around them!). You could keep an extra shirt of hers at your house and have her change into her "baby" shirt.

Wow! So strange that I should receive this question today. I spent the better part of the morning researching "third-hand smoke" after receiving a free couch for my classroom (I teach middle school) that had some cigarette smoking around it for the two weeks prior to my receiving it. It doesn't smell that bad, but I am highly sensitive to it and I can smell it. I came down with a sinus problem on Monday, which coincided with when I put the couch in my classroom. I have had stuffed up sinuses all week that seem to get worse when in my classroom. Today I did an internet search and read about third-hand smoke, which is essentially the toxins and gases that are given off from the curtains, clothes, and furniture that is subjected to cigarette smoke. I even read a "New York Times" article about its possible link to cancer, and the writer specified that it is ESPECIALLY bad for infants and children. I realize that this is a very sensitive issue between you and your mother-in-law, and to many you may seem to be overreacting, but I agree with you that it is not good to have your baby around this third-hand smoke. You may never know what the consequences may be until much later when it's too late. You can never be too careful with your baby. I suggest you compile some research on this third-hand smoke and gently approach your mother-in-law about your concerns, but in a nonthreatening way that doesn't cause her to take it personally and become defensive. Good luck!

I don't envy you, that would bug the heck out of me, but I think you'd be wise to let it go.

I don't claim to be an expert, but I do know that cigarette residue it very disgusting. My UPS person smokes and all my packages come in smelling disgusting. My hands smell like cigarettes when I touch them. The residue of tobacco is tranferred everywhere. To think this would be all over a sweet little baby is just gross. I would find the most polite way possible to tell MIL that she needs to wash up and wear one of your hospital gowns before she touches the baby. Surely she should understand that she has a nasty habit, and while perhaps she is not able to quit at this time, she should not be around a child while the residue is on her body and transferable to the baby. This probably is not safe. I don't allow people to smoke in my home, and I leave anywhere that a person is smoking as quickly as possible. You might want to look up the facts on the internet about second hand smoke before you (politly, maybe with cookies) speak to your MIL.

I think it is a bit of an overreaction after the kids get a little older. I think hand washing ( which anyone who comes into my home knows they have to do) is sufficient. If she smells heavily of smoke , of if she goes outside at your house to smoke then I'd ask her to wear the gown or coat so residue attaches to that and not her clothes. There is little evidence that tobacco residue poses a health risk. In fact the households of smokers and non smokers only differ by 5-9% in amount of tobacco residue. It's unavoidable ..but the overall amount of residue in children of both smoking and non smoking parents is negligeable. If you turn your car on in your driveway you'll allow more noxious fumes in your house than one year of your MIL visiting.

Let it go. Talk to your doctor. I would guess he would say you are over reacting.
B. v.O.

I totally agree with her taking special measures around ur baby! BUT - LET HER SON TELL HER THE RULES!! He needs to step up and tell her himself.

If u have allergies and ur husband then the baby is even more sensitive to contacting....taking extra care NOW is highly important.

I have a great aunt who smokes and she smells like it. Fortunately, she is very conscientious about it and won't hold my son right after... she at least airs out a bit. I don't think you can mandate her to wear a gown, but you can certainly ask her. Smokers are a very sensitive breed and always go on the defense from my own experience about their habit. However, try talking to her rationally and civilly and tell her that you want her to be able to hold your baby and spend time with it, but that you are very concerned about the affects of the smell and residue of the smoke on her clothes and what not. All you can do is ask that she not smoke when she knows that she is going to be seeing your child. Let the MIL make the decision about what is more important, but don't feel bad when the addiction wins out.

L., I smoke & I often care for my sister's new born. It is a simple choice; smoke OR see the baby. When I have the baby, I DON'T smoke! Period, end of story. I don't even see the baby in clothes that I've smoked in. I make sure that I'm freshly showered. ( I don't want the smell in my hair) That babies life is way more important to me than a smoke!

My father and grandmother are smokers and when my daughter was just born I had the same reservations as you. But being that they weren't around her all the time, and didn't smoke around her, I don't think my daughter suffered at all by them holding her.

When she's smelly and holding your baby just remember that your making her a very happy grandma and you can always go home and wash the babies clothes and bathe the child. Unless your child does have an allergic reaction, just try to relax...its so hard to do though with your first child, but really I don't think the residue will hurt in limited quanity.

Good luck.

Just tell her the truth, as lovingly as possible!

I understand you not wanting your MIL to hold your baby when she smells like smoke. We have the same issue with my brother-in-law. People who are around smokers on a regular basis don't think it's a big deal, but really it is totally disgusting. Luckily, my husband agrees with me and comes right out and tells his brother he stinks and can't hold the baby when the smoke smell is so strong. This will be harder with an MIL as she is going to be more sensitive, but there's got to a way of telling her nicely. I will say that as my girls got older (now 4), I became less worried about him smelling of smoke while giving them a quick hug. Still, he does know when he comes over for family get- togethers that he may not smoke anywhere around my kids. If he has the right to smoke, I have the right to make sure my kids aren't around it. You have that right, too.

My daughter asked me to STOP smoking 13 years ago, so that I would live to see my Grand Children....I hung up the telephone and went outside to gaze at the sky... the stars were bright, I then set a "date" to stop smoking... I did. My Grand Daughter is two now, I am so grateful that my daughter was so very honest, and that I could do something for the future... just be Honest with your Mom. I wish you the very Best.

Ditto to Peggy M. My parents smoked, my grandparents smoked, I don't but i am 50 years old & all 5 of us kids survived the smokers. I would NEVER do this but in the 60's they held their babies in their arms while smoking, now that is not good!

This is a very serious issue. Thirdhand smoke is the residual contamination from tobacco smoke that lingers in rooms long and remains on our clothes after smoking stops or after leaving a smoky place. According to Americans for Nonsmokers’ Rights, it’s not just an offensive smell but it is indicative of the presence of toxins. As someone has already mentioned, children are particularly vulnerable to the harmful effects of thirdhand smoke. My suggestion is to visit www.no-smoke.org to learn more about thirdhand smoke, and jot down some of the information you might want to share with your MIL. If you or your husband decide to confront your MIL be sure to focus simply on the behavior and not to accuse her. Best of luck.

There is a big difference between second hand smoke and "residue." I understand your concern about your baby's health, but I don't know how long your MIL is going to be willing to wear sterile hospital gowns before she starts to become angry and resentful. Your reaction to the smell on her clothes is definitely stronger than a normal persons. You can't force her to quit. But, at the same time, you are going to drive a wedge between yourself and her if you keep asking her to go to extreme measures to visit your child. Perhaps the two of you can sit down and find a happy middle ground to this solution. Maybe she could bring some new (un-smoked around) clothes to your house and leave them there for visits? She could wear these clothes to hold your child and change into her "offensive" clothes again before leaving? This might feel a little better to her than having to wear hospital gowns every time she visits her grandchild.

Gosh...give your mIL a break...so she smokes ...its annoying but nothing is going to carry over from clothing to the baby....my Mom smoked and I just told her can't do it in the house.....the bond between Grandmother and child is so important.....both my parents smoked and I sat between them...yikes.....it will be fine.

Merry Christmas.....

P.

YOyou ade right trying protecting your child but many children grow up in a house where a parent smokes it is not good but dont go nuts your kid will be fine A. no hills