Mil Giving Me Grief over Letting My Daughter Go to a Sleep Over

You did fine, and hubby needs to back you up and tell his mom to cut it out.

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I'm with your husband's mother on this one. I don't think a child is ready for a sleep over until about 10 -12 years old. Your own child proved this to be true.

Play dates are fine for young children, but a sleep over can turn into a disaster in a split second.

Due to the fact that your family lived under your husband's parent's roof for quite a while and your husband's mother probably looked after your daughter from time to time, she may have felt that she too, had some insite on how your child would react....Looks like she was right.

However, you are correct in assuming this was not your husband's mother's call. It was up to you and dad and proved to be a mistake. Please give your husband's mother a break on this one and the respect that is due to someone who takes grown children and their children into their home when times are tough.

Blessings.....

4 moms found this helpful

Someone told me recently about having a "pretend sleepover". It was a birthday party but you could still do it. The girls wore their pjs and brought sleeping bags. They ate pizza, played games, then watched a movie on their sleeping bags with popcorn/candy. Then after the movie, the parents picked up the kids. There was no stress for the kids about being away from home and they had a great time. Just a thought.

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Sounds like you did a good job...... and you are right... this is between you and your hubby, your MIL had no business getting involved with it.

I like how you told your daughter that you would come get her, no matter how late it was..... very smart momma!

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My son had his first sleepover when he was 4 and has had several since (he's now 5). Our friends let their 3-y.o. sleep over at our house when his big brother comes to sleep over too. They always have a great time. Every child is different, and it sounds like you handled it perfectly.

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Goodness, your MIL needs to butt out. Sounds like you handled it like a pro! Don't feel guilty, it worked out fine.

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I use to watch a couple kids before and after school. My 5 yr old daughter's 2 best friends were boys. One of the moms was a single mom and I use to have her son for sleep overs all the time to give her some much needed 'me time'. When the other mom hosted a sleep over my 3 yr old use to tag along without an issue. Of course I would have run over to pick her up in a heartbeat if needed but really I think if you trust the person in charge there's no suck thing as too young.

On the flip side, I've had every single one of my grandchildren for sleep overs starting at 3 months. So don't let your mil let you tell you how to parent your child. Trust your heart and you'll never be wrong.

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Personally, I do think the decision is yours and your husband. I believe you handled it well with telling your daughter she could come home. What I think you handled poorly was how you spoke to your MIL. She simply loves her granddaughter and wants the best for her and is concerned about her wellbeing. I do believe damage control is in order starting with a heartfelt apology from you.

Kind words go a long way in preserving a longterm relationship.

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I have to say, MIL issues irk me SO much. You were great, mama. I think you taught your daughter that she can change her mind and you are there for her when she needs you. I think that's a fantastic precedent to set. If it comes up again with MIL, tell her so!

I feel like I should say let it go with MIL, and just say thanks for the concern, but again- irks me. She crossed the line. I'm sure this is not the last incident, so perhaps a standard line to deliver to end things will be helpful, but I think you're right to stand your ground.

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I had my first sleepover at 4, and I ended up going home right after bedtime, too. It didn't scar me for life.

It sounds like your husband may need to step in. It's his mother, after all. You shouldn't have to tell her to mind her own business - he should be doing it for you.

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I made a mistake when I let my daughter have a sleepover at age 11. She will remember it the rest of her life. My grandson, however, will never be allowed to spend the night where he isn't under the watchful eye of his mom, dad, uncle, and me!!!!!!!!! GET IT!!!!!

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Your daughter will always be YOUR child. You and your husband know her best and what she can and should do.

We had a little friend over for a sleepover, to prepare her for when her mom was going to be having a baby.

Since they did not have any family in town and their daughter was so used to us, we decided it was smart to get her used to sleeping here, for just in case.

She did ok and then understood, when the time came that she was just going to stay 1 night until her dad would come and get her..

So just let your husband tell his mom to back off.. You 2 are the parents and she needs to learn that.

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My oldest son had his first sleepover at age 3 and never looked back. He was friends with a son of one of my friends and she baby-sat him one Saturday night. I planned on picking him up at around 10 PM but he asked if he could sleep over and I said everything you said (call any time, etc.) and then didn't hear from him until morning when he called to say hi and tell me what a great time he was having. After that, it was a regular thing for the boys to go back and forth staying over. They're still friends 10 years later even though we live an hour away from them. I would have done exactly what you did.

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I take it MIL lives with you?

I'd tell MIL what you said - you weighed the situation, you let DD try. You didn't give her a hard time when she came home. There have been times when our TEENAGER for whatever reason wanted to come home and we got her. We've also had kids ask to go home much older than your DD. No harm, no foul. There are lots of reasons for a failed sleepover.

You can also offer to host a sleepover and see if you have any better luck being the hosts.

You never know what your kid CAN do unless you let them try, within reasonable limits.

MIL needs to hush up if you and DH agree on this.

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Every child is different as to when they are ready to stay at a friend's house overnight. You did exactly what you should have, gave it a try because your dd wanted to, and then gave her a safety net if she got scared. You are a good mom, don't let your MIL's opinion, or anyone else's, make you think you did anything wrong, because you didn't.

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yeah, my 5 year old wanted a sleep over at a friends' until she realized I wouldn't be there, too.

If you and your husband agree, and know the family well, there's no reason not to try. Thank goodness you won't be living with MIL much longer.

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J. does this surprise you with your MIL? Shes a control freak!

Shes your kid, you make the decisions. I dont think its that big of a deal that you let her spend the night.

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"I told her that her opinion did not matter..."

Hmmm.. I think any discussion with another person that includes the above phrase, should be reconsidered. This is your mother in law, you are living with her -- you may not agree with her opinion, but she should feel that her ideas and concerns are heard, acknowledged and that they in fact do matter.

I personally think 4 is young for a sleepover, and I think you MIL's anxiety has some basis. But regardless of the pros and cons of sleepovers for preschoolers -- there seems to be a tone in your post that I think is problematic when dealing with family members (since it benefits you to have a relationship with them on some level)

You state that you told her "she has no business knowing all of our friends", and " I just told her to mind her own " -- these are such dismissive ways of dealing with another human being -- that I can't help but think you would all fare better (particularly since you are living together) if you approached her with a bit more regard.

I'm not saying you have to cave in to her every whim -- but I think if you acknowledge that you hear her concerns, and then reassure her and try to assuage her anxieties (in this case by telling her how well you know the family, and how comfortable/confident you feel with them) you might all feel better. Taking the tact of telling you MIL to just butt out -- seems ill advised, especially when you are guests in her house.

It is not unreasonable that she would feel anxious to hear that her 4 year old granddaughter will be spending the night with people she has never met. Perhaps if you brought her with to drop off to meet them, she would feel better. Perhaps not -- as I don't know how well you actually know these people or how debilitating your daughter's allergies are (you say they are raging right now?)

But whatever the situation, and whether you actually convince your MIL (or me) of your point of view or not, the bottom line is that I think it helps to try and reduce anxieties in others by reassuring them, not by simply dismissing and attacking them. Especially when it comes to complicated relationships like MIL's.

In any event -- given the dynamic between you and your MIL -- I say good luck getting through the next four months!

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I think that since you knew the other family well, it was ok to let your dd try a sleepover. I think it sends a message to your daughter: you will be vigilant about her safety, you care about where she is, and if the circumstances meet your standards it's ok to participate. You also sent your daughter a strong message that it's ok to admit she is scared and that a safe and loving home awaits her.

The only thing I would have done differently is, I would have phrased the escape plan differently. Of course, maybe those weren't the words you used, but I would not have told her "if you have a meltdown or get scared". I would have said something like "since this is your first sleep over, I want you to know that if you change your mind, it's ok. I'll come get you". That way you don't put any negative thoughts like "scared" in her head.

This was not a bad situation. Sure, she didn't make it the whole night, but no harm was done. You put her in a safe situation, you told her she could come home if necessary, and you praised her for trying something that was safe and fun.

Your MIL needs to know that in a safe situation that you have thoroughly checked out, that you are the parent. I would tell her that you appreciate her concern, but that these decisions are yours to make. You can tell her she raised her son, your husband, to be a responsible father who made the decision with you and now it is his turn (with you) to make decisions.

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My granddaughter would spend the night with my MIL since birth until MIL passed away a couple of years ago and at my BFF's house with her kids since about 3. I know them all very well of course and if I were to be in the hospital or incapacitated I know that my friend would do an excellent job of caring for the kids.

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I hope you tempered your responses to your MIL instead of how you mentioned it in your post. As a grandma, she might feel that she has the right to give her opinion, especially because she is allowing you to live with her and she sees you everyday. She probably feels like she is helping raise your daughter.

I believe you acted properly in your decision as you knew the people well and gave them the option to call you.

But I would hope you don't tell your MIL to mind her own business in those words. That will tear apart your relationship more than build it. I hope you said something like, "I appreciate your view, but your son and I already discussed it and made our decision" or "Yes, you were right but I wanted to allow her the opportunity to see how she would do." It's really humbling to say she is right, even if you know she isn't. But it stops the rant and shows her that you respect her view. More than anything she will want to know that you will at least consider her advice, even if you politely agree to disagree. And I hope you are bending over backwards to show your appreciation for allowing you to live in her home. It's hard to have your kids come back home with wife and child in tow.

The more you try to see things from her point of view, the easier it will be to live with her suggestions that seem like meddling. I'm sure she has your daughter's best interests at heart.

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I'd move out. This isn't an issue with your daughter spending the night, this is a very controlling, meddling MIL issue.

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I personally wouldn't have tried it with a 4yr old...but that is me. If you are comfortable with the family and your daughter says she wants to spend the night, it is perfectly reasonable to let her try. You did the right thing but going to get her so she had an out and wasn't upset having to stay there. My son was 6 or 7 and we had to go get him from his first "friend" sleepover (he had spent the night with some family before).

Sounds like your MIL is having issues with the parent vs grandparent boundary and it could be because you did live with her...that often makes it harder.

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You handled it well! I think you did everything you should have to prepare your daughter--- Don't let MIL comments bother you. When she starts in on you again--say " Uh, excuse me, but WHO is the parent here?" ME. So....butt out grandma! Whenever your daughter is ready, she will let you know--don't let MIL get to you--- she doesn't have to like any parenting decisons you and your husband make. But...she should at least respect it.

M

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Four more months...four more months....four more months..........................................................................

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I would do it even if I knew that she would end up coming back home too. Tell your MIL to back off (Easier said than done... I know...)

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Geeeez -tell her to BUTT OUT! Seriously! My oldest has been going to sleep overs and having them since he was 4 and they've been fine! This has absolutely NOTHING to do with her.

1 mom found this helpful

I think 4 is too young myself, but again, every child is different. I would not try it with my 4 year old because I KNOW she would end up back home, so I don't see the point. But I think it is okay that you did, and she'll be fine - nothing happened, she's not scarred for life, and she's back home now, and she'll probably be better off waiting until she is older. Now you know and she knows. Sounds like your MIL just wants to rub it in your face.

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If she was comfortable, and you were comfortable, then you were not wrong. You were letting her grow in confidence. That is NOT a bad thing.

My now 5y asked to spend the night at Grandpa's house (across the street). She changed her mind by the time we had walked home.... so Dad went back and brought her home.

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I feel your MIL is way off. You let your daughter try something new and she came home....I don't see ANY harm in this at all! I think it will also give her experience for the future when she does have a sleepover where she spends the whole night.

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Bottom line: your daughter, you decision.

IMO: I think 4 is too young for a sleepover. However, I am in the anti-sleepover camp--I like my kids in their own beds. They are 6, 3, and 1, so it works for now!

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You did great mama. Gotta let them fly. If not ready they come home.
That is what your daughter did. Maybe another time.

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Yes, it was you decision so ignore the MIL as best you can. 4 seems young for a sleepover but you know your own kid best. My 5 year old has only slept over at his grandparents house so far. I think we started having sleepovers with friends around the middle of elementary school--maybe 3rd grade?

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Hey it dosen't have to be a 4 year old that wants to come home. When my daughter was a teen she somtimes would stay at friend's homes. A few times I got a call from 11 pm to 3 am that she wanted to come home and I would go and get her. No questions asked. She just was that type of kid.

So you did the right thing by going and getting her.

As for the MIL situation, count your days and be happy that you will be gone and she will not be "meddling" any further into the inner workings of your life.

You standing up for yourself says much about your character as a person and not letting someone push you about even if it is a nosy MIL that doesn't know her boundaries.

The other S.

PS He cut the cord when he married the leave and cleave thing. MIL doesn't get the message.

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I don't see a problem with it.

Your daughter and your family ( minus your nosey MIL) know this family and are comfortable with them. IMO its no different than cousins spending the night with each other or your daughter staying over night somewhere with a family that she knows so you and hubby can go out some night. The only difference is that you were able to come and get her when she was ready to come. That there was the best thing that you could have done, it proved to her that it was ok and you would be there for her :)

Good job!

Just nod your head, say, "I understand your concerns, but in this particular case, we think she's ready...but we really appreciate your thought".

If she persists, just say, "As her parents, we have to make the decisions and live with the consequences, but again, thanks for your concern."

Did your MIL give birth to her? JK. You did the right thing. Maybe she was a bit afraid that your daughter would like staying there more than with her?

Your child, your decision. You handled the entire sleepover situation well with your daughter.

However, the situation with your MIL could have been finessed a bit. I realize she oversteps incredibly and tries to out-parent you with your daughter. I'm sure she tries to get involved in your marriage, your space in her home, how you clean, how you cook, how you drive, where you shop for groceries and clothes, where you take your daughter to the park, who you choose for friends, etc.

The thing is, this arrangement isn't easy for her either. She has adult guests and a child in her home and things are out of control. Her nice neat life is completely disrupted. On top of it, her normal intrusive and controlling behaviors are probably being exaggerated by her stress and having you all in her home right there instead of only getting to be intrusive and controlling occasionally over the phone like most MIL's.

You have to remember that no matter her attitude, you ARE still in HER home and she's doing you an incredible favor. She deserves your respect, even if it means gritting your teeth to get through it. Smile and nod, do what you can to make life more pleasant while you're there, and continue to parent your child as you would in your own home while being sensitive to the fact that you're parenting her in someone else's home. You have your own rules to live with, but you have to operate under her rules too.

It's not permanent. You have to have a more established deadline to make this more tolerable. Work harder (whatever that may mean) toward getting out of there, and if you can then maybe try getting out of there sooner than originally planned even if it's only by a month.

Remember... even if you're seething inside, smile and nod.