MIL From Hell, No Family of My Own

Wow- I am on the east coast, in my inlaws office, hiding from them RIGHT NOW! I feel your pain! We have had a few unpleasant scenes over the years and I began to realize that when I tried to reason with them it never worked because they don't listen, they don't take hints, and they don't pay attention to statements like, "I don't want to talk about this any more."

So I have an agreement with my husband this year- any intrusive questions or criticisms get handed off to him. I am not going to deal with it any more.

I have practiced saying lines like-

Would anyone like another glass of wine?

What beautiful flowers!

I'll go check on the roast... In other words NO COMMENT!

Not sure what else to do, but I know that when I blow up it doesn't make them think, "Wow, we're really driving her to the edge." It just makes them think, "There she goes again! What's her problem?"

If I were you I would let it lie with your MIL. Next year just be the nicest lady in America, but don't expect her to appreciate it. Just survive! You can do a dozen things right and she'll only notice the one thing you did wrong. Don't know if that helps, but I think a lot of people on here know exactly how you feel!

Remember someday we'll all be the Mothers in Law! Best wishes for a happy and harmonious new year!

As hard as it may be, just let things be. Be very thankful that your husband is supporting and defending you. Even though it is his family, he cannot make anyone change how they are or have been. Family is important, but that being said, your most important family are the members in your house. I have been in similar situations, and even years later do not have a good or even fair relationship with my MIL. Whether anyone calls, email or gives presents doesn't really matter. What I had to see is that the people who choose to not be an active part of my childrens lives are the ones missing out. My family is very active in my childrens lives, but not my in laws. I have come to peace with that. My kids know that they are loved most importantly by God and by their parents, anyone after that is just gravy. I have some wonderful friends that love my kids as if they were family. Just give it time and see how things play out. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and just appreciate that.

Hi S R,
Oh how I feel your pain, you poor thing! The very best advice I can give you in to wash your hands of her and her drama. Your husband and child are your main focus and keep it that way. I made the mistake of allowing my negative feelings toward my MIL (BIL if you ask me :-)) impact my relationship with my husband. All the fighting that was going on between us as a result of her behavior was a TOTAL distraction from enjoying our new baby. Looking back I am upset that I let her get the best of me by causing stress in our loving household. So, I decided that I'm done for good. I won't except phone calls, respond to letters and if she wants to see her Grandson, my husband will drive him up to spend a little time with her (supervised ofcourse). You don't need her approval to know that you are a good wife and mother. By the sound of it, she was looking for reasons not to like you from the get go. Come on! Who really takes notes on small stupid things that took place in the past unless she trying to find something to hold against you. I have a feeling that it is all derived from jealously. I feel so much better since I have made the choice to sever ties with my MIL, she is set in her ways, refuses to except fault and she will never change. I still feel a little upset when she calls my husband, but I try to remember that she is his mother (a bad one if you ask me). Be proud of yourself for standing up toward her!If the rest of the family can't see her for what she is, that's their problem, are you really missing out by not talking to them? If so, wait for them to come around. Don't stoop to her level be calling them and bad mouthing her for what she has done, that will only make things worse and will give her what she wants, more drama!!! Keep your head up high! If you need a stronger support system, join your local mothers club. Friends can be better than family because at least you can choose your friends!
Well my dear, I could ramble on forever on this topic, so I'm going to stop before we have a book on our hands! Best of luck to you and your family! Keep on being a great mama and wife and don't sweat the b.s- tune it out, and keep on truck'n!
B.

Hello ~
I read your post and TOTALLY sympathize with you. Earlier this month I put up a post about my MIL as well. It's sad that all the jokes about MIL are really quite true. I believe the same about my MIL not liking me and that I'm not the one she would have chosen for her son. My situation is a different - they (outlaws) had issues with me because of my husband and mine age difference (10+ yrs). They tried to disguise it by saying because I'm not a Christian like them (for the record I was raised Catholic-last time I checked that is Christian). Long story short they "sought out prayer from neighbors and friends for concern with their relationship with their son" (aka GOSSIPING). One of those people happened to be a co-worker of mine who also attends their church. Bad move when he approached me at work to find out more information. Another reason I do not believe my MIL dislikes me is because I'm not caucasian - but Pacific Islander. Since the beginning due to the horrible way they approached and handled us being together our relationship with them has always been strained. My husband like yours backs me and supports me. Finally 3 months before our wedding we confronted them with all the hurtful things they have said and done and told them that we were tired of "acting like all is dandy" when in actuality there is always a 500lb gorilla in the room with us that no one mentions. Of course my MIL denied, denied, denied everything and said she did not believe she did anything wrong. Did not apologize for what she did, but apologized for hurting us...???? Crazy I know. Sorry for rambling on but as you can probably tell this is a sore subject for me. Anyways in answer to your post....my suggestion is (and this comes from almost 3 years of therapy stemming from them) is continue to stand up for yourself, praise and thank your husband for doing so and raise your son with all your philosophy of how to treat people. I too at first felt guilty that our daughter would not be around her only living grandparents, but I got over it. Your in-laws (all of them) are not "entitled" to anything, including your son. Just because they have a title of grandma-if there is no respect there, then they have to earn it. You and your husband know whats right and wrong and that's what your son needs. He can get all the love and idea of what extended family is from neighbors and friends - not only from blood relatives. It's true, it does take a village to raise a child-and that can come from many different people in your lives. I don't see my family very much as well because we all have things going on, so I make sure my 8 month old daughter meets various friends, neighbors, co-workers so she understands how to "participate" in this world. If you need to vent or exchange MIL stories I'd be more than happy to be a life line for you. Good luck and keep up standing up for yourself! G.

Hi there,

I'm really sorry for your situation! I think Ari had some great advice. I'd also add that, unfortunately, parents and sibblings somtimes aren't the best "family". If you, your husband, and your son have close friends who you enjoy and feel close to and supported by, maybe focus on nurturing those relationships and spending holidays with them. I know itt's really hard when there is family tention. But if you have done all you can to try to get along with no sucess, somtimes it's better to cut your losses and surround yourself with other kind and loving people instead (but keep the door open so hopefully one day your extended family will come around).

Good luck!

H.

Hi,
I am very sorry about your situation. It is great, though, that your husband backs you up. A worse situation would be that your husband backs up you MIL! At this point, I would just let it go, as hard as it may be. It sounds really mean-spirited and dysfunctional and it is probably better not to have your son exposed to such behavior. If they ever come around, they will have to do it at their own pace and in the meantime, enjoy the new family that you and your husband have created. It seems that they are not even caring about their own grandson/nephew, so if I were you, I would not try to push your family on to them. Just sever the ties and be happy that you have a husband that is supportive and would be okay to allow this to occur. What would be worse is if he insisted that you keep in touch with nasty relatives. Don't mourn the loss of closeness of cold and mean people. Just find some other friends that are warm and loving and you can become close enough that you feel like family.
life is too short to live trying to please those who can never be pleased.
Good luck!

I feel your pain. I have the SIL from hell- my bro's wife. My brother and I were super close and I loved his girlfriend and was so excited to have a sis of my own when they were getting married. The moment they got married everything changed- she was horrible to me, and turned my bro against me (I know his fault). I called them for years, cried about it, etc. and finally and most effectively gave up (brought on by my SIL telling me she would've given up long before- good indicator for me of what to do). So, what worked? Pretending to not care, living my life, not calling, giving up. I had tried so hard- called, written, sent cards, presents, etc... didn't work. Stop trying. And unfortunately ultimately women/sisters get together (she has one) and gang up on women and let the guy off the hook. I only have brothers- and find this behavior disgusting but it sounds like you're getting it from your husband's sisters and mom (a girl bullying pack I call it- not understood by women without sisters). These women are very threatened by you. I've been told many times my SIL is jealous of me- and all I can think is "why? She's very pretty and he's my brother for god's sakes- I'm not gonna steal him, etc." Anyway, now that I have (4) little kids, and they have 3 (she was even competitive about that- every time I had a baby, she had to have one- as if lives were a competition- ridiculous!) and it is heartbreaking for me to not have a close cousin relationship. Basically, I guess my advice is yes apologize- always do the right thing and say how much you'd love to have a good relationship and especially for your son to be close and then GIVE UP! Because it'll feed their bitchiness if you call and want more from them- they'll talk about you more. This has nothing to do with you- it sounds like women ganging up/bullying a nice woman (you)-screw that. Believe me there are so many cool supportive women out there- they are just not in this category. I sense you have brothers like me and don't understand why women would be so cruel. Surround yourself by supportive friends and neighbors and you will do great. Best of luck!

SR,

I really feel that your husband needs to take the reigns at this stage - while you are feeling the slights from his family they are, after all, HIS family. I think anything you do will just met with contempt at this point...can your husband ease the transition into getting everyone to a point where conversation is possible? I am having a similar issue with my uncle and his wife and family where I apparently did not respond to a wedding invitation for his daughter appropriately (??) and they choose to freeze out my ENTIRE family (parents, brother, sister, etc.). So, my congrats to you that you are obviously a lot more patient than me :) However, I think in these situations you need someone as neutral as you can find to begin negotiations and that person may be your husband...good luck!

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. I recently had a big blowout with my parents when my dad crossed my boundaries with my kids on Thanksgiving, so I know how you feel.

Rage episodes are pretty usual for the East Coast people I know, at least in New York. That doesn't make it right or OK, just the cultural norm there.

Is there any way for your husband to talk with his mom and sisters about this? He has the primary relationship, so he would be the most likely person to be able to effect change. I don't know that he'll be able to change his mother's ways (doubtful) but you and he can dialogue ways in which you could be with this situation and he could make an attempt to make a truce and agreements with her about how to go forward in the future.

You can't control what they do or think, but you can control how you respond. I decided I'm not going to let my dad cross bounds again, but it will be more graceful and loving about letting him know he's pushing the line so he doesn't get so hurt and angry (which was what was beneath his irrational, disrespectful behavior.)

You may have to swallow your pride and apologize for any misunderstandings very authentically. You don't necessarily have to apologize for the actions you took, but apologize for how she felt. Maybe once you get her guard down, she'll be more open to you. Bottom line is everyone wants to feel heard. She wouldn't rage if she felt heard and acknowledged. After you've been the generous one to apologize and hear her out, chances are you could speak your truth (without blame or judgement) and she could hear and acknowledge you. No guarantees, but it's worth a shot.

I'm not saying her behavior is OK or should be tolerated, but first the relationship needs to be repaired, then you can negotiate appropriate agreements around behavior. Maybe you agree to give her tea and lots of food if she agrees to do her best to maintain calm and take any upset that arises outside away from your son.

Hopefully you and your husband can come up with some good solutions together so he doesn't have to be estranged from his family. Good Luck!!!

Sorry about that -- unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Your husband did the right thing -- good for him, and you are lucky to have a husband that sticks up for you. Good for you, for sticking up for yourself. You both did exactly right.

If your in-laws are going to be a-holes, I guess your husband will just have to lose them. It's sad for him, but hopefully you guys will have lots of nice friends.

Dear SR,

Wow, if everything you say is true, I think it is fortunate that you have many miles between you and your husband’s family! I’m glad your husband stood by you on this particular situation. Do you think your husband might be happy at the aspect of being rid of the family drama?

You mentioned your husband’s mother is a “workaholic”. Is she also an “alcoholic”? Is she from a different ethnic culture? I would be interested to know what “trivial thing” triggered the blow out.

It also sounds like you had his family from the East Coast all-staying at your home? Too many visitors in one house can cause a lot of tension, especially during the holidays?

You may deserve an apology and I’m sorry for the family rift, but if it is going to be mended, there are probably only two choices:

1. Keep sending updates, family photos, cards, etc., and wait for your husband’s family to come around. I wouldn’t expect an apology, your husband’s mother sounds pretty stubborn and set in her ways.

2. You will have to swallow your pride and be the one to make the first move. Write a short, simple note to say that you regret the ill feelings between family. Remind her that you both have something in common, you love your husband and she loves her son.

The decision you make should be based on the severity of the family problems and your husband’s desire to make things better at this time. In the meantime, be happy with your good husband, little boy and the positive people in your life.

Blessings…..

I echo everyone's sentiment of being sorry that you're in this very difficult situation! You absolutely did the right thing standing up for yourself. I have unfortunately been in a very similar situation for over 10 years with my MIL. She too makes lists of supposed slights and blows up over small things. I can offer a little hope that over time, with the support of other family members things may get better. If they're not speaking to you, just give them some time and maybe say something like, "I hope that the next time you come visit, it can be a pleasant and happy time together for everyone. We want to surround our son with happy people and memories, and I'm sure you do too."
By standing up to her, you've set a clear boundary of what is acceptable in YOUR home and with YOUR family. If she will abide by it, great! If not, you and your husband should discuss ways that he can let her know how and when she's welcome in your lives or not. (Since it's his mother, he should do most of the talking.) It's so easy to feel guilty about needing to have "family" in your son's life, but a big part of motherhood is protecting your child. How will it feel if/when she blows up at him? Chances are if she's always been this way, you won't change her. In the mean time, pat yourself on the back for doing what's best for yourself and your son; pray for your MIL(it has worked for my situation!) and focus on enjoying the wonderful family you have in your husband and son! I wish you the best!!

Hi S R,

You are not alone. I hear and see this type of behavior in people and families quite often.

You are better off making new friends and making them a part of your family then to be around the negative. I am a wellness consultant and I see the behavior of healthy people and those that are unhealthy and have not been diagnosed until later.

I teach my granddaughter that mean is ugly and stay away from it.

Do not pay attention to the negative things you may hear. It is just someone's opinion on themselves and they want to put it on someone else. Misery loves company.

It was great that your husband supports you and know he loves you and you have a great family.

That is all that matters.

Let things get better the way it is suppose to.

Have a Happy and Healthy New Year.

N. Marie

I am so sorry that this happened during such a festive season, and like you, I treasure family. But just know this is not to be. . .My older son married a woman (whom I refer to as my outlaw) that seems to hate me, and actually accuses me of wanting him for myself (despite the 3000 miles distance); yet when she calls me to remind me of what my "stupid son" does, I reply, "you mean your stupid husband"?

Take it in stride, everyone is not going to like you, and you can't please everyone to the point that you are hurt. Consider the fact that you feel within your heart that you've done all you can do, and without any guilt move on.

It's bad that your son will suffer in this situation, but remember it is your job to provide the best environment for him; he doesn't need the negitive energy around him, and make sure the family that he is exposed to has the best for him.

I am a firm believer that I choose my friends, and have also decided which relatives I would choose to be in my life. It's okay, and what's more important is that you, your husband and your son have peace and harmony within your home.

I too have no family on this coast, but I am blessed that I have many friends that are closer to me than some of my family, and it's a great support system.