Middle Daughter Not Responding to Discipline Need Advice

If it was me I would go to her boyfriends house or talk to his mother if my daughter did not come home from school or was out all night. The sneaking out thing is hard to monitor since they are sneaking but you could buy a nanny cam built into a clock or any ordinary object in a room, or get a baby monitor and put in a hidden spot atleast to listen to any noise at night in or around her bedroom. It may be invading privacy but sometimes you have to for their sake.

TEEEEEEEEEEEN-AGERS!
My goodness, I'm sure all this would stress a person out. I know my kids have done the same thing to me. And nothing like being a caring parent, when your child is being defiant.
It sounds to me..she has fit in a "perfect click".
(a parent's nightmare) With the influence of certain friends to help her in her moment of distress?
(when parents don't give her, her way)
She sounds as though POSITIVE, or NEGATIVE, she wants the attention.
What I had to do with my daughter(middle child between two boys), when she was having a moment of acting out.
Is, slowly.. and gently.. take her away from the "perfect click", and have parent & child bonding. What I mean by slowly, we started spending more time together.
I gave my daughter a "secret code" to gather my attention, so we can have alone time to talk. When she used that code, I took the moment like gold. We stepped out of the house, shared a dessert, and talked, or even took long drives.

There were times that she told me things... I didn't want to hear. I just wanted to close my ears, and run away. As a parent I had to look at the situation like a gold nugget. Because we know it took a lot for her to discuss something like that with me. And.. it gave me that moment to give her good acting advice, then the advice of the "perfect click" who had no clue, considering they are just starting life.
A few times I thought I was going to come unglued, and scream to find out some things. But keeping my voice down, thinking out my words before saying them. All this patience eventually worked out for the both of us.

Soooo now I'm teaching Dad how to talk to our daughter, so now she has two people to turn to.

You can do it!! Breath in... breath out...

everyone goes about discipline in different ways but this is what i would do because i used to be like your daughter and had friends probably like the ones she has.
First you cant control who she is friends with but you can control if she and how often she hangs out with them. I would start taking her to school and picking her up from school yourself of having someone you trust do it for you. Next I'd go to her school counselor and let her/him know whats going on. Stick to your guns when you hand down a punishment. If she's sneaking out of the house find out how and stop it however you need to. If its the front door buy a lock that has a key hole on the inside too and keep it locked while everyone is home with only the adults having the key. If its a window and you can afford to put an alarm on it or bar it. Lastly, take her to a counselor outside of school where she can vent whatever she wants. The counselor might see the need for some anxiety meds that might help her with whatever emotional problems she might have. Overall its just time for some tough love. Get your whole family involved to help you and offer you support. It worked for me when I was that age but it didn't happen overnight. Best of luck

Family Lifestyles are so very different that I find it hard to answer some of these requests. This is one of those. Are the two girls close? Do the compete with one another? Does the 14 year old feel left out- or not measure up? does the older girl outshine, etc..Does the 14 year old feel she is falling thru the family cracks between the oldest and the baby.. ?

The code.. and spending one on one time may be just the answer in that case. And it sure cant hurt. Bonding with her, and knowing that she can talk with you one on one. And those talks being special and kept private. Not shared with the older sister.

I would also think about spending a day in child court. Let her see the "Real" effects of children that are abused by a parent. What happens in court with DCS etc. That this is a Very Serious "game" she is playing. That it can have long lasting effects on her Dad if it were to go to court. I dont know what type of Career he has, but it can affect that also. Children dont think about those things when they are doing things for attention. Nor do they consider that DCS could take her out of the home if a "overZelous" case worker were to beleive that she was being hit by her father. This things are not to be taken lighty.

I say this not to Scare you to death, but I worked in the courts in another county as a Guardian-Ad-Litem and know how hard it is to wade thru what is true, what is not, what is child anger.. rebellion.. what is parents innocence, what is parents lies, when is a child too afraid to tell the truth, etc. So Talk to your daughter and try to explain this to her.

As far as the sneaking out, and not coming home: Went thru that with my daughter and we were not strict enough on her at the time..She is now 21 years old with a 15 month old son. In that regard, my advice: Come down hard!! Lock windows, put alarms on the doors if you have to.. Arrange to have her picked up at school if necessary: Show her that your not allowing her to "Run Wild", etc.

At 21: My Daughter Regrets the Rebellion and wishes we had locked her up.. which is not to say that we did not think we were doing everything we could at the time. We were young parents and trying to balance Love, Control,etc.

Im 45 Now: And if she were 15 Now.. you could Forget It..LOL..She would not Stand a Chance when it came to what she put me thru.. Ahhh.. the beauty of hindsight!! LOL.

I wish you the Best!! Love Her, Talk to Her, Try to Figure out why she is Acting Out..(other than 14years old).. and if she has outside interests..(sports, animals,babysitting, church, etc).. try to steer her time in another positive direction..

Another thought.. It could be that she Needs more time with her DAD.. and Not with her Mom.. was she a DAddys girl? perhaps that is the Key.. could she be wanting His attentiion? or Needing His attention.. more than yours at this time in her Life?? Hince.. He Hit Me..?? Hmmm a thought...

If you pick up your daughter from school, she doesn't have the option of not coming home from school. You can also take away other privledges from her besides the phone. I never got my kids a cell phone until they were driving. If they didn't listen, raised their voices at me, or didn't answer the cell phone when I called or didn't respond to the text message, the phone, the car and car keys were handed over to me. It takes work and tough love, but no one ever said parenting is easy. You can't be your kids' friend until they are adults. It never works. I told my kids right up front, I am not here to be your friend. Mine are both in college, now, on academic scholarships and that didn't come by chance. They were never nerds; their father, my husband, and I were not brainiacs and we just tried to keep them on track to do better than we did when we were teenagers. If you give them things instead of discipline and love, they will turn out just like the majority of the youth you read about in the paper. Stand strong! She may not like you now, but she will love you later. M.

I guess my biggest thing is a question before I start dishing out advice. What do you mean, "he is not left alone with her for that purpose?" For what purpose? Has he hit her before? Is there a chance he would? Why would you not be willing to leave your daughter alone with the man you married?

Aside from that, look at the ages of your daughters! Not only is she the middle child, but she was the youngest for up to her pre-teen years. And I am going on a lot of assumptions here, but I am assuming that this one and her older sister are from a previous marriage and that the toddler is from this one? Well, from your middle daughter's point of view, not only was she the youngest until recently but then a BABY came along, who could do no wrong. From a young girl's perspective that's awful! Then, if the divorce happened when she was a bit older... maybe there are hard feelings from that ordeal.

Look at the examples you set and the situations you put her in. She has to be able to trust you. So whatever punishments and drastic measures you decide to take, be sure to balance it with something else that will help her feel like you are close to her, care about what she is thinking and feeling, and love her. Just using force will only make her rebel harder or break her spirit. You have to be able to be firm and consistent, but supportive and earning her trust, too.

I do not have a teenage daughter, but the girl I work beside all day for the last 4 years does. She has gone through this exact same thing. I read your request out loud to her and she said, "Give her my e-mail address!!!" Her daughter has pulled alot of the same things and even worse. Her email ____@____.com would be a great person for you to talk to.

To protect yourself and to get all parties on the same page, I would advise you to contact DSS in your area and open a case with your daughter voluntarily. These agencies are accustomed to dealing with manipulative teens that unfortunately don't realize the damage that can be done. Perhaps if she has to answer to a juvenille officer with serious consequences, she'll come to realize she'd rather answer to you. It's a difficult time, my sons are very involved in our youth group at church and that seems to help a lot. Good luck and prayers to you and your family.
S.

so i take it you have never expiernced these kinds of problems w/ the 16yr old?

Wow, R., I am really sorry you're having these struggles with your daughter. It sounds like she is going down a slippery slope. Looking back over your email, you describe a girl who lies, steals, defies authority, and has no respect for her parents. Have you ever read any books by John Rosemond? I like his "no-nonsense" approach to raising children. I would suggest three things: taking her bedroom door off the hinges and putting it where she can't get it, installing an alarm system on your doors and windows (and not giving her the code!) and counseling. Remember too that you and your husband hold all the power because you are in control of the money and the car. You also don't have to tell her what or when her punishment will be. When she breaks a rule, be calm, and a week later when she wants money or a ride to the "big event" of the week, just say no! Raising teenage girls (I have two) is so hard. Basically, the less you say to her right now the better. Let her know what you expect of her and leave it at that. This is the time in her life when she is trying to separate from you and that's okay, it's natural. However, you have to keep her safe. I will hold your family in my thoughts.

Hello,Have you tried counceling? It could be her maturity level, or the wonderful teen years. A possible threat of boot camp for unruly kids might settle her down. Good luck.

Sounds like typical teenage rebellion to me. And this is just the beginning, i'm sorry to say. My suggestion is to have a sit down with your daughter, you and your husband, and to explain to her what is acceptable and what isn't, and discuss what punishments she will recieve when she breaks these new rules. Tell her that you are the parents and she is the child and she has to follow these rules whether she likes it or not. But also give her privileges, like going out with her boyfriend, when she follows the rules. If you can, or if you know someone who can, go and pick her up from school when it lets out; and if you have to, hire or have someone sit with her at home untill you or your husband comes home from work to make sure she stays in and does her homework/chores or whatever she is supposed to do once she arrives home. She's not gonna like it at all and she will most likely defy you for days or maybe even weeks. But if you stand your ground and enforce these rules, she will eventually conform to these new ways and then you may lax on the new rules. If not you can always threaten to send her to a convent in the Swiss Alps!! HA HA Just Kidding. But seriously, it will be hard at first, but it will all work itself out in the end. Good luck and God bless!

Hi R., I have a 16 yrs old also. Have you been discipling her before she turned 14, if not this is what leads up to her not respecting you. If your husband does not confirm his part in helping discipline her than you have an even bigger problem. R. how active in school is your daughter or in the community. We got my daughter out in the community into a program where children did not have the priviledge of parents and she became a big sister to one of the children. Your daughter needs to be held accountable to something. It sounds like she doesnt have enough responsibilities to keep her busy. My husband and I monitor her and her boyfriend, we sit down and talk to her about things she is going through now and when she gets older. We get in her head to see what is going on. At the age their hormones are going crazy and anything goes. We also have her in church programs and activities. If you dont go to church or have Christ somewhere in your home believe me God needs to be there. Having God in our lives, family, & home has helped us so much, because parents do not have all the answers. We either pray about a solution and talk to a Christian Counselor friend. The same way your daughter has a school counselor is the same way your family needs a family counselor and you and your husband need a marriage counselor. This will bring everyone together as a whole and not some pieces here and there. Everything I am telling you is what we have done for our family and now we have peace, more love and happiness in our home. My husband and I have 4 children with another one on the way. I hope this advice helps you R. and if you need to talk more feel free to email me @____@____.com

Many Blessings
TJ

I was a middle child who managed to be wild too. Of course back then the world wasn't as dangerous as it is now. I would suggest seeking professional counseling or a physiologist (do it right away). If your daughter has decided that social services is a good way to draw attention to your family and make life harder for everyone, then you need to be prepared and get her some serious help. She seems to think she's the boss and she's not until she's 18 and out. As a parent, sometimes it's hard to put out tough love, but sometimes you need to do whatever it takes to make it right. By making someone (counselor) else accountable for her behavior besides you, it may give you an opening to draw out what she is going through. Try a different approach like if you really want to live by your own rules, then may be a foster home will make her happier. My Aunt gave my cousin up because she couldn't control him and she didn't want to be responsible for whatever trouble he got into (note my cousin is married and father of three and a very responsible adult in society). The grass is not always greener somewhere else, but we have rules and if you can't live by them then tough love could be the only answer. I only have a nine and twelve year old, but they are both boys. I am not looking forward to the next couple years, but when my boys say "I'm going tell that you beat me." My answer is "Do you think you can find a better home where you get everything you ask for, a warm place to sleep, fed any food you ask for, your clothes cleaned and basically your entire life given to you on a platter. Or you could live in a foster home where there is NO LOVE because those people didn't want you and give birth to you. If you want respect for me, you need to respect me and yourself." So far, my boys understand that life isn't easy and they have rules to following. Hopefully, she won't be a runaway. It's always my biggest fear, but they always need to know you love them no matter what.

I would recommend reading anything that John Rosemond wrote. He has been a wonderful source for my family. He wrote a book called Teen Proofing. Try it! With summer fast approaching now is the time to implement a lot of the advice you have received because then she can't run to the school counselor. Really, try John Rosemond -- he is awesome when it comes to parenting. He has taught us a lot about how to handle certain situations.

I feel your pain. My daughter just turned 17 and I went through that with her a few years ago too. She's come out of it now, thankfully; so there is hope for you, too.

In your case, part of it sounds like your typical "middle child syndrome." Combine that with teenage girl hormones and the plain fact that she's just a teenager, and you've got one heck of a mess. Plus it sounds like your daughter has some issues going on.

I know some people are opposed to the idea of professional counseling, but believe me when I tell you it has done my daughter a world of good. In just the last two months, people have noticed how much better she is and how much she has changed. It has given her a much-needed opportunity to get issues she's been surpressing for many years finally off her chest. Perhaps a counselor could help your daughter as well.

No matter what actions you take with her, reassure her that you love her and you'll always be there for her.

Sounds a lot like my life just a few years ago. I have two daughters now 21 and almost 19 and a 6 year old son with my second husband. My younger daughter was more than a handful. Sometimes I didn't even want to enforce the discipline because of the hysteria and out-of-control emotion from this creature who used to be such a sweet, kind and loving little girl. My husband reminded me often that "some kids need a rail to bump up on." Basically they need to know that whenever they break the rules there are consequences. It was really a difficult time for me and many times I just wanted to give in and excuse her behavior by justifying that it really was not that big a deal. Making it even worse, I never had the support of her father who turned a blind eye to everything. By the way, she has no relationship with him at this point. So I was the sole disciplinarian. I can't tell you the number of times I grounded her, took her cell phone (which she said I couldn't because her father paid for it), tv, and the big one...keys to her (my) car. She screamed, cried, and yelled that she hated me, didn't want to live, etc. Let me say that I knew she was never serious about suicide, but she would say anything to get to me. I did have her in counseling a couple of different times and it helped a little. Your daughter may say she hates you, that's never true. Don't try to be her friend; she needs a mother. I told my daughter many times, "You don't like me? That's fine. I've got plenty of friends." She is now a freshman in college and has apologized and even admitted how out of control her behavior had been. I knew in my heart she would one day come around and be the sweet, caring, generous person she was born to be. My advice...stick to your guns, stay on top of her, don't believe everything she says, but ALWAYS tell her you love her.

I read over the advice given and it was all what I was going to say. You have some great words to implement into your home. Therapy is a wonderful idea. There is a reason she is acting this way, a therapist may help discover and resolve that. It takes a lot of time and work to babysit your child, but it is necessary. If you work or cannot do it for whatever reason, find someone who can do it and be strict about it. If she is borrowing her friends cell phones, contact their parents. Trust me, they are probably in the same boat as you and will be more than willing to help you out. John Rosemond is WONDERFUL! There is another book called, "Yes, Your teenager is Crazy." I don't remember who wrote it, but it totally opened my eyes about my teens and helped me to figure them out. Lastly, the stripping their room is an excellent idea. It really works, especially removing their door. Oh, one more thing...tell everyone you know and everyone she knows what is going on in your home. Her friends parents, teachers, school counsilors, family members. This way, if DCS is called you will have some back-up. Remember that DCS keeps a record of every visit to your house. They will know it's all bogus. Good Luck! you'll make it because you care enough to post a question here. Don't give up, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Some day she will grow up to be passionate about something and you will be greatful that she was so strong willed.

Tough love is on the menu. Definitely lay down the law. I am not sure exactly how DCS would see it...but I would take her door off the hinges. She can shower or change in the bathroom. If you find her using a phone that doesn't belong in the house...call that parent and explain to them that your daughter is being punished. I can say nail the windows and what not...but with fires that might be a bad thing. You can however get some window sensors that will go off if the windows are opened. Just hide them well. If she does indeed sneak out...tell her that the next time, you will call the cops and she can go sleep in juvie as a runaway. Do not let her run your house...my stepsister did any and everything she could to push my stepfather away...and it eventually worked. Also, get her in counceling. There has got to be something bigger going on behind her beautiful eyes that for some reason she does not trust you guys with. As for the friends and boyfriend...you can control where she goes and whom she is with. She will feel the sting if you take enough things away. Let her earn her phone, tv, friends, and door back. Teens do most of the time outgrow this, but they will never be responsible adults if someone doesn't show them the way.