25 answers

Merry Not So Christmas to Me.. Advice Please!!!

I know there's two sides to every story but I just know I'm not wrong in this situation. We go to my husbands grandmothers house for dinner. The Grandmother, mother in law and sister in law are smoking inside the house 5 feet away from my 6 in a half month old daughter. My husband says something to them and the grandmother says deal with it. They continue to smoke and so I leave. My husband has the nerve to tell me that I'm being rude to his family and not even saying bye to them. He didnt even leave with me. Oh and I forgot to mention... When we got there, there was dog poop on the floor and I stepped on it and the grandmother tells me to "watch where you f*cking step." My husband said nothing.. Didnt even come with me. Am I crazy or wrong or totally out of the line here? I'm dumbfounded right now. It was my daughters first christmas. I know divorce sucks but this is a constant thing with my husband not standing up for me. And now it's his daughter he can't even stick up for. This day just completely sucked and I can't stop crying. P.S. this is my second time meeting this woman and my first time at her house and I knew she smoked just not in the house. My husband told me if he saw it he would say something. I just don't see how I was rude with everything she said to me and how she acted.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Cheryl I have no reason to make this up. I came here to get advice so being that I want some guidance in this situation I'm giving the full story. She specifically said " watch where you effin step". I let it go and laughed. But I couldn't take it when they wouldn't quit smoking. I havent been married 8 years nor have I ever stated I was. And yes this is my second time meeting this woman because his grandma just came back into my mother in laws life. But one thing you are right about, all is not well in my world much less in this world if people honestly think its okay to be smoking and blowing out rat poison and toxics in the same room as my daughter. Like I also said I let the dog poop thing go with a laugh, hardly the attitude of a diva and quite mature in my opinion if somebody says something so rude

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I would have left, too, but I would have said my "goodbyes" first. Just because they're low class doesn't mean you have to be, too.

6 moms found this helpful

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I agree with Suzanne L. and Melissa J. I understand your reaction. I think I would've been upset at the in-laws too. However, you were rude. You should've calmly told them that you didn't want the baby around smoke. Was your husband polite when he said something to them and they responded with deal with it. sounds like both your husband and they were rude from the start. However, it's important to be polite even when others are rude. As a guest it's important to use good manners.

BTW: I've been in many homes with dog poop on the floor. I think Cheryl O. made some good comments but I had to laugh over the Grandma's are good housekeepers comment.

This probably would've ended differently If you'd taken your husband out of ear shot and told him in a calm voice that you wanted to leave with the baby. Then the two of you could've politely told them that you were leaving and why while thanking them for their hospitality.

When you stormed off you put your husband in a very tight spot. This is his family. He's used to their ways and probably didn't fully realize what was going on. You made it difficult for him to defend you and the baby.

If you want your husband to support you you need to work with him, talking ahead of time how to handle situations. And you need to talk with him calmly at the time while remaining polite. Do not make him choose between you and his family. That never works.

I suggest that you try to understand his side of this. Stop defending yourself or blaming him. Suggest that this didn't go well and brain storm about how the two of you can make it different next time.

I suggest you read about non-violent communication which is a way of talking so that everyone feels heard and gets their needs met. This situation was a no win for everyone involved. You and he could do things differently so that he doesn't have to defend you. The two of you could walk out together by planning in advance.


I also suggest that the two of you get counseling so that you can learn how to recognize each others needs and support each other. He didn't support you in this situation but you also didn't support him. If he's to go against his family he has to know that you're on his side. By leaving in anger you rejected him as well as his family. So unnecessary. Life doesn't have to be us against them. It can be what can we all do to get along?

12 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't have wanted my baby around smoke either and from 3 smokers it's even worse. I think if you knew it would be like this you should have talked it over first with your husband. Anyhow, I would have probably left too but I think you should have done it politely and with your husband with you. You need to do it kindly and then he wouldn't be able to say you were 'rude'. You need to have a talk with him before the next event or holiday and get this settled. Maybe it was the way you did it more than what you did.

9 moms found this helpful

Since you have been at her house before and didn't recognize that she smoked in the house, then maybe you shouldn't have overreacted.

Personally I will NEVER step foot in a smokers house. Smokers smell no matter where they smoke.

As for the dog poop, that's just disgusting. And her response was trashy. Didn't you know how he was raised before you married him?

You are married. Your husband did respond to them , but they weren't willing to budge. You have to give him some credit.

This is a good learning experience for both of you. Talk it out about your expectations. If you never want to go there again cause of the smoke and/or their disrespectful trash talk, then set some boundaries now. But this is NOT divorce worthy, it's communication worthy.

Sorry your Christmas was ruined.

9 moms found this helpful

I have zero tolerance about smoking.. I cannot stand it. Never have even when Everyone seemed to smoke.. Yes, I am that old.

Our daughter ended up in the hospital for 4 days after a weekend at my father and his second wife's home.. They smoked in their home.. We even told them we would stay at a hotel, but they insisted we stay.. we had flown in, no rental car, it was like a nightmare.

I think as moms, we turn into mama bears.. It may look and sound rude to others, but we know what we need to protect our children.. You do what you need to do, these people sound like a big ol mess.

Sounds like your husband is not quite a man.. He is afraid to stand up to his mom and grandmother.. He may change, he may not change.. You will need to decide if you can handle this..

8 moms found this helpful

Maybe it was rude, but after the comment from the grandmother, I wouldn't have said bye either. But don't take it personally, that's obviously just who they are; it is not about you.

7 moms found this helpful

I would have left, too, but I would have said my "goodbyes" first. Just because they're low class doesn't mean you have to be, too.

6 moms found this helpful

You were told to deal with it - and I think you dealt with it fairly fine.
I think I would have said "Well, it's been a great visit but we must be going" as I bundled up my baby and headed for the door.
Your husband could have stood up for you better or left with you or make apologies on your behalf but he'd rather gripe at you than make waves with the old folks.
It might have been a drama filled incident but I would not let that ruin your whole day.

6 moms found this helpful

I completely understand where you are coming from. Had a similiar situation. Not only did I not want that around my child, I have since experienced how just slight exposure can trigger her allergies and asthma (not even from being in the same room or there being a lot of smoke). We just can't allow it AT ALL.

Your hubby DID say something to them but they disregarded him. The real problem is that he was not prepared to take action and you were. Means you weren't on the same page. For example, before going the two of you should have had a game plan...he would say something but if that didn't work you would both pack up and say "I am so sorry, we just can't stay. Merry Christmas".

You could have said goodbye but you were by far not the rudest one there.

6 moms found this helpful

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