September 26, 2010,
I.M. asks from Los Angeles, CA on September 15, 2010
Mean Inlaws Won't Visit Us to See Their Grandson
They've never liked me from day 1. They are very judgmental people who tend to look down on people. People like me who come from a broken family and have been divorced once before I married their son, I m trash in their eyes. They only socialize with rich folks like them and those who comes from a "good family". They call their son, my husband on his cell to avoid interacting with me. I've always been nice to them but over the years, they've always invalidated every thought I express, when I had a miscarriage they blamed me for losing the baby because they think "I worry too much". They pretty much blame me for everything they perceive is not right in their son's life. They ask how their grandson is doing through my husband but they never visit our house because they don't like me, my husband noticed of course but what can he do, he talked to his mom before and it only got worse. When I say "they" I really mean the mother in law, the father in law is like a puppet of his wife. He is terrified of her. My MIL has had a run in with all of the spouses of her children, none of them are "good enough" for their children. She also had fights with all of her in laws related to her husband. Anyway, I am fine with it that I don't see them it's probably the best because they have nothing but dislike for me. I just feel bad for my son that he is missing out on having "grandparents" in his life. My parents live far away so he sees them a few times a year, my in laws live an hour from us. The only time my son sees them is when there is a get together in one of my husband's sibling's house. I am not going to detail here all the mean treatments I"ve experienced from these two, esp. the MIL, there's a lot to share in that department, just wanted to vent about my son not having their grandparents there for him. I wish these people can put aside their dislike for me for the sake of their grandson. Or is my son better off not having these type of people in our lives? Your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.
3 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Thanks mamas for all your input. The good news is that my mean inlaws actually are moving far far away from us which is great, this means we will not see them anymore for sure. They are moving far away to be near one of their other son's home. That means she'll torture their son's wife, she has for years already. I feel bad for her. I truly agree with your responses that I am better off without people who treats me this way, people who feel this way about me in my life. And you are so right, my son does not need people who treat his mother like this. My son has me and my husband and my side of the family who loves him so much and SHOWS IT to him. It's their loss, what a loss for them, my son is such a beautiful person and they are missing out. Like Anne A. said her, there is nothing "grand" about these people. Thanks for pointing that out, Anne A.Thanks for all your input and time spent reading my vent.
L.C. answers from Dayton on September 15, 2010
It's hard when we feel rejected for our kids. My older kids's grandma (ex's mom) never came to a birthday party, called them one the phone, never had them over to spend the night and she lived 10 minutes from our house. She did none of the things grandma's do and none of the things my mom and dad did. It broke my heart for them and made me angry that she would choose to miss out on all the wonderful things about them.
Then I realized something about her. I don't like her, I.M. I don't like how she treats her kids, her husband or her daughters and sons -in-law. I don't like her values. I don't like her attitude. I don't like the fact that she holds her 23 damn dogs in higher regard than the actual humans in her life. If she were a stranger I would grab my kids' hands and run like the hounds of hell were after me. I would never be her friend.
I realized that I was so blessed not to have her in their lives. I don't have to continually fight the influence on my kids of someone I don't like or respect. She gave me the greatest gift when she just stayed away.
Count your blessings and fill their lives with all the people who love and respect you and them. You and they will be better off in the long run.
13 moms found this helpful
S.G. answers from Los Angeles on September 16, 2010
As you say, perhaps it is better off without them....
But, they are his grandparents. I once had a falling out with my mom and she didn't speak to me for 3 months. I wrote her a letter and told her that because of this grudge she was holding, she was the one missing out... on the grandparent relationship, on the milestones in my life, in the milestones of my kids life, etc. She got it. She came around. Maybe you could write them a nice note. Be nice. Say you understand they don't come around because they don't care for you, and that's ok. But that it makes you sad that your son is missing out on the grandparent experience. And ask them to think about how they'd like to be more involved. Do they just want an invitation to come over once in a while? Would they like to pick your son up and take him for ice cream? Would they like to have him over for the weekend? This way you've been nice. Extended the invitation. Opened the door. And now it's up to them.
Good luck :)
4 moms found this helpful
M.S. answers from San Francisco on September 15, 2010
I understand your situation~ I am sorry to say that I have a similar one. What I had to do is be thankful and grateful for the loving people in our lives and let them go....It is unhealthy for your son to be around people who are "toxic" that is what it sounds like to me-- anyone who doesn't respect you or care for you doesn't deserve a relationship with you or your family. Period. Family or not, respect is earned and they have done nothing but judge you and hurt you! Let them go and instead find loving, supportive extended family/friends to love on your kids. You are WAY better off without them. It doesn't make it easier to hear this, but in time it will be better. Good luck.
3 moms found this helpful
J.S. answers from San Diego on September 16, 2010
No big deal. I say that with the most love and respect. My mother went through that with my grandma on my dad's side. My mother is 2 years older with a college degree and she wasn't good enough for her son because she is Filipino and he is white. When my brother's and I would be around her, she would only feed us crackers and water till my mom picked us up. She was awful to her for many many years and my mom always took it and had a smile on her face and respected her MIL. When my brothers and I figured out that she treated us different that our other grandma then we started not liking her. Honestly, your child won't miss out. I am now 27 years old and only see her once a year. I could care less. My son is 6 years old and half Mexican, a quarter White and a quarter Filipino and she has only seen him when we all get together around Christmas time. My daughter is 3 months old and she has never called me or asked about her. My brother has a 2 year old daughter and she has only seen her once.
I think that our lives would have better if we didn't experience racism from our own family, but it made us stronger. My mom is a great mom and I tell her that she shouldn't have gone through all of that for us because we found out ourselves that she wasn't a good person. We all saw that our full white cousins would get awesome presents around Christmas while we got a community gift like a DVD for all of us to share together. We were thankful, but always wondered why. My grandmother to this day only calls my Dad on his cell phone to avoid my Mom too.
Don't put yourself through any negative relationships with her nor push your kids on her. Your son will grow up healthy and happy without her. So, don't loose sleep about what he is missing out on with her because she is the one missing out on enjoying her grandson. My grand mother messed up big time cause she missed out on her grandchildren (my brothers and I) and now her 3 great-grandchildren (my 2 and bro's 1).
Good luck and rest assured, if she doesn't come around, then who cares. :)
2 moms found this helpful
R.S. answers from New York on September 15, 2010
Don't feel bad for your son. Not every child grows up being close to their grands...in the end what really matters is how secure the child feels in his own home, with mother and father. That is the most important relationship in a child's life. Your child won't know any better; he accepts things for what they are. He does not see his grandparents, so be it. He is not aware of what he could be missing out on, and that is a good thing for him. Feel sorry for your in-laws..because THEY, at least, are aware they are missing out on the daily miracles you witness in your child every day. They are the ones who will feel like something is missing or lacking in their lives, especially when your son is older and they come to realize that they have no real bond to their own grandchild. Unfortunately, they cannot get enough control of their emotions or judgement to view your presence in their lives in any other way except "bad;" that they cannot adapt to change is too bad, so sad, for THEM. NOT you, NOT your son. I would not even mention any of this before your son. Sure, if you are looking at pictures and he asks "who's that?" answer, and then leave it at that.
No use in stressing out over the decisions of old folks. They will do what they want to do. Leave them alone, and do your best to keep that drama out of your life as much as possible.
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A.A. answers from Chicago on September 24, 2010
Doesn't sound like these people are all that "grand" in my opinion. The only thing your son is missing out on is alot of drama and negative behavior, consider him and yourself lucky. I'm sure he has plenty of great relationships with others, I would just move on from this.
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V.B. answers from Philadelphia on September 24, 2010
I know exactly how you feel. My inlaws seemed to like me at first as much as in laws can like someone (however, my husband didn't have the best relationship with his parents in the first place, so I didn't expect them to love me) But as soon as I got pregnant with our son, his mother seemed to disregard the entire fact that I was pregnant at all and wouldn't talk to me. At family functions she would pay no attention to me and walk by me. I would offer to help her out with things and she would say no. She even had the guts to ask my husband why I decided to stop working at 6 months pregnant, when I had been in and out of the hospital from complications! She has done nothing so far for our son (even though she says she will, but doesn't deliver) - she didn't come to our baby shower, and said she'd only buy him things if my side of the family won't buy them first. They have never visited our home, and if my husband wants to see them, we have to go over to their house, even though they live no more than 45 minutes away. The MIL complained when we moved away (we used to live 10-15 minutes away from them) even though where we live now is the only place we can afford. She keeps telling my husband that she wants him to move back closer to her. Honestly, in your situation they are missing out and you should talk with your husband to see what he's willing to do about everything. Good luck!
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B.L. answers from Los Angeles on September 16, 2010
My heart goes out to you. In my life, my mother is like your MIL. My mom does not like my husband, and is constantly critical. She's been critical of all of our spouses (3 out of 4 of us are married). She doesn't talk to my brother's wife at all, and she gradually stopped talking to my husband as well.
What I can say as somebody coming from the other side, is there really isn't much you can do. This is a woman who is stuck on her position. She thinks she is right, and in her mind that's all that matters. She justifies her behavior through complex logic that makes no sense to anybody else.
It is tragic that your son will not know his grandparents, but note this is not your preference or even your choice. Your MIL is choosing to exclude herself. You know that old adage that you can't change anybody but yourself? That's the place you have to come to here. While it's hard to accept, there is nothing you can do except accept her behavior.
My parents have little interaction with their grandsons either. Recently we moved 2 hours from them, so now I think they will almost never see them. I've gotten tired of trying to keep fences mended and trying to keep the peace, so I have just accepted this.
I hope you can find a better solution. If you do, please do share. I have tried so much, but nothing ever works.
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