Looking to Teach My 10 Yr to Be a Leader

What I found, is that it is important for a child to have a sense of their own "identity" and uniqueness. Be that from their interests or the activities they participate in, and how they are at home.

My Dad and Mom raised me and my sister that way. Basically reinforcing OUR own ways of being... and not trying to be like everyone else, and teaching us about character. And they showed appreciation for our own unique characters. Therefore, we didn't try and just blindly follow others that were not good influences.

For me and my Hubby... from the time my daughter was very young, we always emphasized that she just be herself... not having to be like what she saw on TV or like other kids. BUT THE KEY thing as well... is that we taught her how to DISCERN between what is positive and what is not. That just because some other girls may dress a certain way or act a certain way, does NOT mean she has to too. My girl is only 6 years old, but she has such a sense of herself already...her own identity, and she does not try to copy-cat other girls that are more precocious or 'sassy' or more over the top. And, we let her explain to us how she feels. She is ABLE now, to judge others on her own, and "knows" instinctively who is not a good influence. And more importantly, she is 'proud' of herself no matter what.

The "American Girl" books are a good series. It deals with ALL kinds of topics of this age set. You can find it at any bookstore, or at www.amazon.com and you can read the reviews there. I even got some for my daughter.

And like anything else, they need to feel a real sense of identity. So that they then don't go and seek approval from outside influences that may be bad. AND, knowing HOW to analyze situations and people. Then, they can make the right decisions... and how it will impact them. Mostly, my own Parents taught us that by actually discussing everything with us... my late Dad for example, would even take us to his business meetings and let us sit and observe and he would 'explain' to us his own thinking and why he did certain things... and how HE decides who to be friends with or not, or who to do business with or not. Children... need to learn how to make decisions. BUT, it is taught to them... it is not always instinctual. So, they need to be shown how to make decisions.

Just try and keep open communication with her, especially at this age, it is VERY important. No matter what, for bad or good things... let her be and talk with you about anything. A child needs a 'rudder' to guide them, or their ship will just have no course to follow. And this rudder is the Parents and the child's own home. It's their 'base.'

Or as others said, have her get involved in a club or activity that interests her... something she can learn about.. something that she yearns for....something that she perhaps has a talent for... these all provides a positive thing for a pre-teen. It's good her school has a program to help kids.

All the best, just some thoughts,
Susan

C.,

Look for a 4-H program in your area. 4-H isn't just about pigs and chickens. It is a youth develop organization with a primary goal of teaching life skills. Critical thinking, decision making, leadership, public speaking, responsibility, health interpersonal relationships, teamwork, ect... It uses fun, interactive activities (everything from farm animals to rockets and robots) to teach these skills. It is a really good program and the kids benefit tremendously. It is also a FREE program. Much of what is taught is peer-taught so even kids who don't want to hear it from an adult get the message.

:-)T.

When my older daughter was at that stage in her life, middle school, boys, make up, and getting into trouble, we put her in dance class. We didn't so much care that it was dance school, but it gave her confidence that she could do something her self, that was healthy and that was influenced by someone positive and not the kid rebelling the most. Soon she dropped all the make up, desires to hang out with "those" girls, and she was now stretching and practicing the perfect spin (pieroette) in the living room.

Yo may want to give an activity a try. This will silently guide her into a better direction. If she doesn't want to read the book, she will just tell you she did and not do it.

I feel like you can not force your child to be a leader, but you can give them self esteem to make great choices! My daughter is 9.5, has always been a follower, but I had her join Girl Scouts just over a year ago and she has really changed alot! She was SHY! Within six months she tried out for a few school plays and then decided to join the community center girls basketball team! All things that she just never felt she could do until she joined Girls Scouts ~ they lessons and such that the teach at meetings and events is wonderful! I also have made a point to KNOW who her friends are and encourage her to spend her spare time with them ~ at home and at the friends house (build trust) and stear her clear of the 'friends' that I do NOT want her to follow. I know my daughter is going to be more of a follower then a leader, so I just make sure that she is keeping company and forming bonds with people that I want her to follow. To be honest she has brought home a few friends that I do not want her to follow and guiding her away is TRICKY! You dont want to tell her NOT to be friends with iffy people ~ makes that person MORE apealing, I just make sure we are too 'busy' the day that said child wants to play, then in a day or two invite one of the 'better' friends over, or out or something to re-enforce that bond. So far it has worked, at this younger age girls tend to stick with the ones that spend most of thier spare time with. Sorry this is long =] I have put so much thought into this with my own daughter that I get carried away! Good luck and if you want to talk just send me a message.

Try the American Girl Library Series. The most famous is The Care and Keeping of You, which my daughter and her girl friends pick up as a resource often. I got a lot of 28 books on e-bay and my daughter loves to read all of them. Really empowering and fun, and on their level. Also, I agree about getting her involved in activities such as Girl Scouts or Drama Productions.

I don't know if you've read any of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books but there are ones for preteens, mom's & daughters, teens... and I've read the kid ones WITH my daughter and then talked about them with her. The books are full of short stories so you can read one or two at a time and take 15 minutes. But I usually ask her what she thinks or why the person in the story did something and not only is it good bonding time, but good discussion time. Maybe carve out time before bed when things are mello, and try to get her ear. Good Luck!

Hi, C.,

I think that it is a good idea to introduce your daughter to various activities but not force her to participate in them if she tries them and then tells you that she doesn't like them. As a former high school teacher and military officer, I believe that you can encourage someone to be a leader, but you can't force him or her to be one. I also believe that it's OK to be a follower if you are acting according to your own belief/value system. Showing her that you accept her own the whole the way she is now will go a long way in instilling positive, healthy traits in her. These traits, in turn, may make it possible for her to become a leader.

Good luck finding the book. I wish you and your daughter happy relationships.

Lynne E

Hi C.,

If you want only a book, I suggest you get her a copy of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" by Sean Covey.

In addition to that, I highly recommend finding a good Girl Scout troop for your daughter. The goals of Girl Scouting are to teach leadership and teamwork by developing independence and self-sufficiency, ethics, and community service. (They don't just sell cookies!) 64% percent of today’s women leaders in the United States (civic, corporate, political, etc.) were once Girl Scouts, which I think says quite a lot about the quality of the program.

As I said above, find a GOOD troop -- one where the leaders have taken the basic and age appropriate training, and where they are following the GS guidelines of progressively teaching the girls to self govern the troop. They should also be engaging the girls in badge work, which gives them an opportunity to explore new skills, but giving equal time to community service projects and special events. In the troop that I used to run, every girl also had an office with responsibilities, and these were rotated monthly, not by vote but by assignment. We also had an active outdoor program and took the girls camping and hiking quite a bit, again assigning the specific jobs and responsibilities. For example, by the time our scouts were 9 and 10 years old, it was their responsibility to set up camp (including the leaders' tents!) and to prepare, cook, and clean up meals. They were expected to pack for themselves before the trip, repack at the end of the trip, and we tried to encourage their moms to make them unpack and do their own laundry when they got home.

One of the advantages of enrolling your daughter in GS (besides very inexpensive dues!) is that it will put her into a different environment. She'll be associating with a different set of girls, who hopefully, with the leaders' guidance, will be a better influence on her.

For more information on Girl Scouting, go to:
http://www.girlscouts.org/who_we_are/facts/
Also, for a list of some successful women who were once girl scouts, go to http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art27223.asp

I wish you success with your daughter. You are right be concerned: middle school can be a vital turning point stage -- in one direction or the other.

R.

Girl Scouts. The girl scout program is "the Premier Leadership program for girls". At this age, girls are given opportunities to lead on all levels and within a small group environment to start. She will build self-confidence and be exposed to opportunities to lead and follow, to grow and to blossom, all in FUN ways. It will not be a chore to her and she will start to naturally exhibit these qualities in other areas of her life.

Speaking from a shy child & follower, I think anything that would help to promote her self-esteem as an individual. Before becoming a leader, one has to feel worthy & confident of themselves. I understand Leadership Programs do help with promoting that through responsibility & good citizenship.

Experiencing her success for self-worth and failures to learn to cope will help her growth in becoming a Positive Leader and a Positive Team Player. Good Luck.

Hi C.,
I would highly recommend counseling for your daughter.
I think she needs someone to talk to and understand
what she is going thru. The schools offer a program
called Juvenille Diversion. It really is a great program
to help young kids. I used it for my kids when I was
going thru a divorce. They are loving counselors who
really want the kids to succeed in school.
Get her help a.s.a.p.
S.

Does she have siblings? If she does and they are older, you might want to have them guide her by suggesting trying some activities that are fun and may help her through this time.

Also, have you talked to her? Ask her what you can do together to work on the trouble she's been getting into. Personally, when my Mom sat down and asked ME what I needed or how she could help me when I was a teen made me feel like she really cared about ME. At that age I got really into cheerleading and track...these gave me an outlet and put me on a routine/schedule that helped me organize the rest of my life. I couldn't participate unless my grades were good and I stayed out of trouble.

I would also work with the school and get info about the program they are enrolling her in and talk to her about it. Books and pamphlets are great, but talking about things can open SO many doors.

Good Luck.

i think Blubber by judy blume is the best book for this age and situation. it is about 5th grade girls who all gang up on one classmate, and by the end of the book, the tables are turned and one of the girls from the "in-crowd" ends up being picked on. it is realistic, and might be just what your daughter needs to help her see that if you pick on someone just to be cool, it could just as easily be you. if you are talking about someone behind their back, chances are you will be the subject of gossip too. i feel for you in this difficult time, because it is so important for our kids to make good choices about who they hang around with as they enter the teenage years especially. good luck and i hope she is willing to read Blubber. maybe even read it together?

I'm curious what kind of programs/sports she is or has done and if she has any siblings and their ages. Do you mind adding that to your request?
Thanks,
M.

Good Morning C.,

2 places for your daughter:

1. Landmark Education
They have what is called the kids and teens forum. It's personal development for adults and kids. I have been involved with Landmark since 1997. and I have taken many personal development courses with them.

You can go online and learn more and they have seminars in Los Angeles area. Landmark Education.

2. I don't know your religious background but if you like authors like Louise Hay or Wayne Dyer you may want to try Agape International Spiritual Center. They do counseling on a sliding scale. Agape is not religious they are metaphysical. I have been involved with Agape since 2000. Very loving and supportive enviroment for any person of any age. Agapelive.com

Be Well.

N.

Girl Scouts. Sports. Cheerling. Dance. etc. keep her busy with activities she enjoys and things will go smoother. (I hope, thats what we are doing). Remember hormones are not fun and your entering that world if not already there. Also maybe a babysitting class, art, cooking, sometimes offered at ymca or city colleges. Good luck

Hi Conie, I read the responses, and girl scouts is a great idea. Also 4H is a great thing for kids to be involved in. Both of my kids are in 4H and they have learned alot about leadership, community and responsability. Plus it gets them around other good kids. Good luck...
Dana
www.scentsy.com/danacarey

My two older childer r all grown now and I am having to start all over. My baby will be turning 4 in a couple months.
I have always turned to books with Good Christian Values. With my two older children I relied alot on Dr. Dobson's books for help.

What about a leadership camp? I know that they have things like that... might be one you have to send her away to, but it could be worth it.

I don't know that a book is the answer, but it might be one in an arsenal of tools to help with this. Leaders, I believe, are born, not made, but you can help her to develop more self-confidence, which might be the heart of the problem here. Girl Scouts, as somebody suggested, would be good, and sports programs (check to see if there are any Upwards sports programs near you---you can check online) can really help to develop confidence. If she's not really good, consider a few private lessons to amp up her skills and keep her in the sports programs as long as possible. Make sure you attend all her games and give her lots of praise. Spend one on one time with her every single day, even if it's just chatting the two of you for 10 minutes. Take her out for a walk with you in the evening and chat about her day and your day. Take her out once a week for an outing with you---Starbucks, lunch, dinner, movie, etc. If Dad is in the picture---same thing. Dads have an amazing amount of power and they don't realize it. He also needs to open the conversation paths with her and spend some one on one time with her as well--you might consider one night a week is yours w/your daughter (every Monday, for instance), and he gets another one. Or perhaps he gets Saturday morning for Starbucks and donuts. You get the picture---when she realizes that she's valued and cherished, her confidence will blossom. (This is an awkward age and I'm sure she knows you love her---it's the time spent w/her that is the magic answer!) The Girl Scouts, sports, etc. will enhance that. Good luck!

maybe try the chicken soup books. she is young and most books like that are for teens. maybe try projects at home where she is in control of the outcome. try a reward system for her. give her a special treat if she has a good week at school without any trouble. good luck

C., One thing to remember is that there are some things you just cannot learn by yourself. Your daughter (all children) learn from the examples set by others. You say that you want her to learn something on her own without someone else telling her. She needs guidance right now. It is not just about being a leader; it is also about being independent and developing a decision-making process. She needs to develop her self-confidence and her self-esteem. This will allow her to think for herself and make good decisions for herself. These are things you can help her with, as will the class the school is enrolling her in. Go to the bookstore or library and look through some different books. Every child is different and in looking through several books, you might find one phrase that makes you think, "Oh, this is my daughter! This is what she needs!" and that will be the best book to begin with. Also, what reasons does she give you for getting into trouble recently? That might be a starting point for some great conversations with her. Peace, B.

C.,
Are you trying to live vicariously through your daughter. When you are not happy with her path in life, the message is, "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH."
Keep on this path of molding your daughter to your expectations and watch out during the next 5 years,
Good luck...

Hi C.,

Have you thought about getting your daughter into Girl Scouts (there are local troops all over and some are through the schools) or Adventure Guides (through the YMCA--those are parent-kid centered--moms can do it with boys or girls; dads with boys or girls too--it's a once-a-month commitment, I think)?

Those programs are all about teaching self-esteem, leadership, friendship, making good decisions, and having fun--and they attract other kids who are interested in those things.

As a former high school teacher, I can tell you that the happiest, healthiest, most emotionally-centered, and studious kids are those that have quality after-school activities and the "right" friends (which you find in quality after-school activities). Try different sports, karate, dance, art classes, piano, drama, religious youth groups, etc. There are all kinds of things offered relatively cheaply through community rec centers, too.

Good luck!
:-) D.

Everything below are good ideas, but you also have to look at your family life. Do you and your husband fight all the time, or are you divorced, does she have siblings, and do they set good examples for her, do you or your family have bad habits, like drinking a lot, swearing, etc. etc. the list goes on. Usually when kids get in trouble, it usually stems from their personal life. Are you religious at all? Church can be a great thing for her, especially in middle school, they have great youth groups. Good luck!