Looking for Parents of Introverts. Helping My Husband Understand Our 4 Year Old

I think you should have a meeting with his preschool teacher and brainstorm with her. Even as a introvert, he should be playing with more kids as he does see them several times a week. At this age, you can help give him tools to become more comfortable in a social setting...maybve a social skills class would help him? As for sports, I show my son videos online of different activities and that way he can decide if it is something for him. Not all kids like soccer. My son tried it and it was ok but he really liked baseball more. I think the key to parenting any child is understand who they are and loving them unconditionally. But this also means giving them opportunities to push themselves.

I have to add - your son does NOT have to be playing with more kids if he is content.

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. She's on Ted Talks and has a blog.

I will say, he's so lucky to have both influences in his life: being understood and being challenged.

My daughter is more introverted than I am and I always thought I was pretty extreme on the scale. Our energy is compatible, but I also push her out of the house to EXPERIENCE life. She becomes surprised by what she can do when she pushes herself or I give her that nudge.

That being said, if sports are a priority, karate, tennis, golf, etc are wonderful for introverts, but often they have no interest in group activities. And that is more than okay.

I'm sure your concern and my word of caution for your husband is shaming your son into thinking there is something wrong with his innate character and choices he makes. Disempowering him is the last thing he needs.

More than you asked: I will say I am a stickler for politeness. My daughter does not have to be friends with everyone, but a greeting, a smile, a response is required, even if it is simply to say "maybe we can play later..." There are skills/tools to be learned and the choice to use them WHILE honoring one's innate being.

Please order the book:

"Quiet, The Power of Introverts"

Keep trying to expose your son to group activities, but realize that his idea of "group activity" may be really different than your husband's. My son (4.5) is also quite reserved. I wouldn't necessarily say he's introverted, but he's definitely "slow to warm up".

We started with a small group swim lesson and the "toddler" story hour at our local library. Both groups had a max of 6 children and were quite structured and short (30 minutes). When he was feeling comfortable with that, we tried soccer but started with soccer camp in June. There were 5 children in his camp group (40 children overall, but again small group instruction to start). He learned about the sport and really enjoyed the sport itself, so when it was time to sign up for the "team" this fall he was excited!

Find something that is a group, but small and structured. He may enjoy a preschool music class or an art class or even a karate class. Try a few things out and go from there.

My husband and I are both quiet and reserved, so we know that it's tough to walk into a large group and join in. Walking into a smaller group with lots of adult support and direct instruction is MUCH easier!

My husband and I are both introverts, and are seeing similar traits in our almost-four-year-old son. My brother is an extrovert, and has never understood our introvert lifestyle - as one of the other posters noted, it is almost impossible for them to understand it Like my brother, your husband probably thinks your son cannot be happy or get the fullness out of life if he spends most of his time enjoying his own company or that of a select few. Hopefully, your husband will come to understand that this is the way your son works and is and that your son will continue to be content, as long as he is not made to think it's wrong to be an introvert.
There was a recent study published in Scientific American (I think) about introverts and their value to society (as well as how extroverts try - in vane - to change them). I recommend suggesting to your husband that he read it - it will give him more insight and, hopefully, comfort.
Best of luck!

If you know that your son is not very outgoing, then what about a sport like martial arts which is a lot about self vs others? Or horseback riding? Or cross country running? If he's only 4, he has PLENTY of time to figure that out and I'd just ask what he likes. He may like drama (many shy and introverted people like theatre) or he may like tennis or whatever. I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. Have you seen the "care and feeding of introverts" thing going around FB? Give that to your DH.

Is this more about your DH not understanding his child vs there really being anything amiss with DS? If so, then I would look for things where DS might enjoy it without being overtaxed and DH could share it with him - go to an interactive museum or the zoo or share card games or go hiking or camping together. Go to the pool at an off time when there are fewer people.

My DH is an extrovert and I've lamented that I'm the only introvert in the house - but that's not 100% true. My SS and DD both will spend time alone and while it makes SD and DH kind of look at us like specimens in a petri dish when we do that, it's all a matter of recharging. Your DH may also find that once your son gets his feet wet, there's not stopping him. My DD is a cautious child but once she understood the parameters of preschool, she just dove in.

Remind your DH that there's nothing to "fix" other than finding ways to share things with his son in ways they can both enjoy.

I'm an introvert and I will say that if your hubby had taken me to the soccer game just to watch, I MAY have walked away wanting to play. That would have been MY decision.

The problem is that your hubby brought him there to try to encourage him to play. Your son does not want to be directed like that. He wants to play when he's comfortable with it; it may take two or three times or a whole season of watching before he'll want to join in. He needs to become comfortable with it and then, if he's a true introvert, he will want to practice on his own before showing up on the field.

Your hubby needs to back off and to approach your son differently. If he doesn't, he's going to sour him on anything and everything he tries to get your son to participate in.

Your son WILL find something that interests him and that he's good at - just give him time and DON'T try to force something down his throat. You will all suffer!

I'm in agreement with the other momma's that say your son should still be encouraged to participate more with other children. His anxiety and melt downs seems to be more than being introverted but he is only 4 and these things do take time.

I also agree that singular sports like tennis and marshall arts would serve him better. I would suggest those things for hubby to engage son in but it is important for him to also remember baby boy is only 4 and may need more time to just be.

I actually don't think your son is introverted. I think he is anxious, shy, and insecure. (At lest, from this little snippet provided. I could be 100% wrong.) There IS a difference between shy, and introverted. Get him into martial arts, or something similar. He needs to build confidence in himself, and his ability to be around peers.

An introvert myself, I think one way to explain it to your husband is this: for introverts, having that much forced interaction is upsetting, not enjoyable. You want your son to start a sport not when he's 'supposed to', but when you think it would be something he would enjoy. Socially, for some of us introverts, team sports with large groups aren't enjoyable. This requires the introvert to pay constant attention to other people and everything they are doing, reading them all the time. For introverts, tracking groups of others can be stressful. It may not feel 'safe' for them, because people are in each other's space during sports.

It's just plain unpleasant.

All of this said, our son is now five and a half and just now starting to express interest in martial arts. His cousins take karate lessons and we've walked by the local tae kwon do place a few times. As your son gets older, he's going to feel more comfortable socially and become interested in something. Not being interested at four is super typical in any case; I hope your husband takes heart in this. From my observation, it's really often the parent who signs their kid up or thinks they 'need' the classes or lessons. If the child enjoys it, chances are they will continue. Think of all that children need to learn in sports, too. Sportsmanship in and of itself is a huge personality trait that is real work to attain for many. It does sting to lose. Non-competitive sports would be the way to go at four. "Losing" seems like the stakes are too high, and that many people running around may just be too much for your little guy.

Take heart... you have years, an entire life in front of you for sports and other fun activities. Enjoy this time with your little guy in his comfort zone~ the more you respect it, the easier it will be for him to venture out of it. Your acceptance of his needs now will give him more security in the long run. Good luck to you... and please, tell your husband that your son is like many kids, not just introverted ones. I've worked with little ones for a long time... they are certainly their own creatures, in any case! :)

ETA: and Odd1 wrote:

More than you asked: I will say I am a stickler for politeness. My daughter does not have to be friends with everyone, but a greeting, a smile, a response is required, even if it is simply to say "maybe we can play later..." There are skills/tools to be learned and the choice to use them WHILE honoring one's innate being.

Beautiful expression of expectations! Thanks for writing that.

My son sounds the same. I don't know if I'd call it introverted either. I think he gets nervous in large group settings and has trouble focusing on the coach when the other kids are maybe horsing around (possibly a slight sensory issue as well). It's gotten better as he gets older. Some kids just aren't ready at 4 to be in large group settings. What has worked better with my son is small group swimming lessons (4 kids to 1 instructor), consistent Kindermusik teacher and class time and lots of play dates with just a few kids. My son is more nervous so we role play. I'll be him and he'll be the "new kid" and I'll talk about trying to find something in common (cars, bikes, legos). Sometimes kids just don't know how to interact and I know I forget that a lot when I'm dealing with my youngest and trying to make sure every one stays alive :-) Have you talked to his teachers about it? They may have some insight for you since they watch him in the classroom and on the playground. It's totally ok for him to play alone or have only one friend. I went through a period of time that I thought we were doomed for life because he didn't have a best friend but then I remembered I didn't meet my first best friend until I was 6. I don't remember any friends before that. Hang in there! Encourage him to push his comfort zone but don't get mad or disappointed when he pulls back!

Introverts are great! I have some of those myself. And I am one, too.

Reassure your husband that your son may enjoy sports one day. You're right - he could be reacting adversely to the crowds of people. Some children are much more comfortable in a small group than a big one (remember that when he's in a classroom situation.) Some sport-loving children turn out to like individual sports more than big-group ones. Your boy might eventually like taekwondo or equestrian training instead of soccer or basketball. Of course, he might like model-building or trombone even better.

If your husband can take your boy to watch a little playing, letting him know beforehand that he *won't* be expected to join in, just letting him tag along with dad and having no pressure put on him, something could happen. Maybe. I'm not promising. But I knew a family whose young son wouldn't play football; he sat and drew pictures of it while the other kids played. He's a commercial artist now.

That's part of the fun of having children - you never quite know what you're going to get.

I'm introverted too and this may help, it certainly helped me understand myself. And it's very light hearted.

http://sveidt.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introve...

My son is the same way. He, like I, shut down when pushed. We step back and give him time to process. I don't push sports anymore. He does other stuff and stop thinking he's not "normal" is all you need to do. He's happy and that's normal. Funny, he doesn't like getting in front of the class for projects but loves Music Camp. When I saw him on stage, he froze and I just smiled and looked away to let him adjust. Then he was fine again. Just ask him what he wants rather than force anything on him. I also sent him to camp at a farm and he loved the tomahawk and archery. Just don't push him but encourage and suggest things to do.

It sounds like your son has some anxiety mixed in with being introverted (I have 2 introverts, one who was selectively mute). You might want to try him on something that is one-one-one, such as Music lessons or tennis, or something to build self-esteem, like karate.

Just because he is introverted doesn't mean he won't do sports at some time. Four is really young and even though some kids are ok with it-just as many are not. So keep him out until he is 6 and try again. But don't keep putting him into it or you will make him never want to do it.

You probably know this yourself as an introvert but make sure your husband doesn't make a deal about shyness. If you call a kid shy-he will be shy.

Here is a book on introvert that has gotten a lot of buzz:

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talkin...

If you can try enrolling your son in a Montessori pre school or day care, I have seen and heard wonderful transformations of very shy and quiet kids on Montessori. They really help them to grow confidence and interact with other kids.

Check out the book Quiet:The power of Introverts in a world that can't stop talking by Susan Cain. Good luck. I have an introvert and an extrovert!

When I signed my son up for soccer at age 4 all he wanted to do was play on the playground on the other side of the field. He couldn't have cared less about the game, drills and running back and forth for half an hour. It was boring to him, and a waste of time and money for all of us. He also hated swim lessons, he just wanted to play (duh!)
A LOT of kids don't really enjoy sports and other organized activities until they are around 7/8. Even my youngest, who was/is VERY outgoing, didn't wan't to play on a team until second grade (as I'm typing this it sounds so ridiculous, like second grade is so OLD or something!)
Give your son some time, and don't label him one way or another. My son is a sophomore in college now, and is athletic and outgoing, with lots of friends. He was never really an introvert or an extrovert, but somewhere in between, which I personally would call nicely balanced :)